Jaded

By: angel74

Summary: AU. Harry is a very angry boy! He struggles to deal with the awful discovery that he was mistreated by the Dursleys, and what the implications of his nightmares may mean. This takes place during the summer after OotP.

Author's Note: This is a companion piece to my original story, What's Left Unsaid. I've tried to write it so that you don't have to read the first one, but I encourage you do so if you haven't already. This one takes place between chapters 7 and 8 of that story and should be considered an interlude, not a sequel. Usually an interlude by definition is a short break within a larger story, but this piece ended up surpassing my original intentions. It analyzes what happens to Harry in the month that followed Ron and Hermione's discovery about his life with the Dursleys, and before he is reunited with his friends once more. It will be written through both Harry and Remus's perspectives.

This story is honestly not my best effort having been written in such a short amount of time, but it does provide a back story to a lot of things that were left unsaid in the original. I have already completed the entire story, so you won't have to wait for updates. Yea! There are 32 chapters in all, one for each day that Harry is apart from his friends and they are titled as such. They will vary greatly in length, sometimes being pages long, other times only a paragraph long depending on the flow of the story. My intention is to update every day, coinciding with the day in the story. I know you all will appreciate it.

Disclaimer: This piece of fan fiction is for entertainment, and no profit is being made. I do not own Harry Potter or any other of J.K. Rowling's wonderful characters. I only wish to play with them for a while. I will give them back when I'm done.

Genre: angst, hurt/comfort

Pairing: There is no real pairing in this story. The original story was intended to be a possible trio romance fic, though it's all very innocent. Mainly it was Ron/Hermione, though if you squint and turn your head a bit you might see some H/R and H/Hr.

Rating: M (to be safe)

Warning: abuse and cutting (all non-graphic!)

Dedication: I am a big fan of Shadowarwen and this story was inspired by her fic Anger Management. If you haven't read it already, please check it out.

A/N: The first and last chapter of this story have a lot of the same dialogue as chapter 7 and 8 of What's Left Unsaid. So if it sounds familiar, than it is. I needed a way to transition between the two stories and this seemed to be the simplest way.

July 31, 1996

"If you ever lay a hand on this boy again, I will kill you myself," Remus growled, looking thoroughly menacing. "Do you understand?"

"I know your rules, you c-can't just-" Vernon began blubbering.

"Shut up! Get back into the house, now!" Remus yelled, it was all he could do to contain the rage he was feeling. It was as though the werewolf inside him was tearing to get out.

When it appeared as though Vernon wasn't going to comply, Remus used a spell that caused the large man to fly across the yard and blast through the back door, knocking over his wife, who had been nosily watching from the doorway. It was a good thing the neighbors weren't still watching.

"That was brilliant!" said Ron, laughing as the Dursleys painfully untangled themselves and ran in fear to some other part of the house.

Remus had thought so too, but then he remembered how Harry had been yanked about just moments ago and he wondered if he shouldn't have done more. He looked towards his friend son and saw that Harry and Hermione were standing together quietly.

"Are you alright, Harry?" Hermione asked.

Harry nodded, but said no more. He turned his back to them and walked away slightly, taking in shaky breaths.

"Hey, mate. You don't have to be embarrassed or anything. It's not your fault your uncle is a complete arse," Ron tried to say encouragingly.

Harry didn't respond and acted though he hadn't even heard. Hermione tried this time. "Everything will be okay, Harry. We'll take you back to the Burrow and you'll never have to come back here again."

"It'll never be okay," Harry said softly.

Ron made a move to go to his friend, but Remus stopped him by placing a hand on his shoulder. "Just leave him be, Ron," said Remus.

"But-" he began to protest.

"He's upset and dealing with a lot right now. Give him some time," Remus explained.

"He's right," said Hermione. "We shouldn't smother him right now."

"Fine, but shouldn't we be going?" Ron asked irritably.

Remus nodded. "Go to Number 7 Wisteria Walk. There you will find a lady by the name of Mrs. Figg. Tell her we need to use her fireplace. Use it to Floo back to the Burrow. Harry and I will be around shortly."

"Why aren't you coming with us?" Hermione asked.

"Because Harry needs to get his things… and I don't think he wants you here when he does that," Remus explained, glancing in the direction of the house.

"But-" Ron began to protest again, apparently not liking the idea of leaving Harry.

"Do as I say," said Remus sternly. "And don't worry. I will keep Harry safe."

They both nodded in understanding, staring at Harry's small form standing apart from them a few feet away. "We'll see you in a bit, mate," Ron called to him, but got no response.

The pair walked away in silence and Remus turned his attention to Harry. The poor boy seemed so lost. From his numerous rounds on guard duty, Remus had long suspected that the Harry's family was not particularly kind to him, but he never once entertained the thought that they were actually abusing the boy. Sure they'd given Harry numerous chores and never seemed to have a kind word for him, but the evidence of outright abuse had been overwhelmingly shocking.

Remus had followed the trio to the park, curious as to why Ron and Hermione had chosen to visit their friend on his birthday when the Order had expressively forbidden it. Under a dillusionment charm, Remus had been able to watch their exchange without being noticed. He had been rather surprised at just how angry Harry had been with his friends for their unexpected visit and how he had practically ignored them during their picnic lunch. Remus would have thought the teen would have been relieved to see them, but instead was treating them like his worst enemy. Harry just seemed… so jaded. It was certainly a side of the boy he had never seen before.

Before he knew what was happening, Harry had attacked his best friend. Something had been said about a "cupboard" but Remus had missed it while he had studied the small boy. Ron wrestled Harry to the ground as best he could without injuring his friend. Remus had wanted to intervene, but curiosity won out and decided to observe a little longer to see Harry might reveal something to his friends that he had kept hidden from the Order. During the scuffle, Harry's sweatshirt and the green t-shirt underneath had ridden up his torso revealing bruises at various stages of healing.

Remus had gasped in horror and saw Ron then proceed to rip the sweatshirt off his friend's body completely before he could escape. Left only his green t-shirt, Harry was left vulnerable to their scrutiny. He was thin, so very thin. And along with the various bruises running up down his arms, there were a series of neat little cuts on the inside of both his wrists and forearms. Some looked raw and fresh, where as others had already begun to scab over. Realizing that he had nothing left to hide, Harry didn't even protest or fight back. He just stood there, shaking slightly, staring down at his own arms as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing either. All the fight seemed to have left him.

Remus knew then that he could not in good faith leave the boy in the Dursley's care any longer, and in the end convinced himself that going to Hogwarts was their best course of action. He had followed Harry back to his relatives, which had led to the exchange he had with Vernon in the back yard.

"Do you want to get your things or would you like to wait here?" Remus finally asked.

Harry seemed to mull this over for a moment and finally said, "It's probably easier if I got everything myself. I have a few things hidden away and it would take longer to explain than to get them."

Remus nodded and headed towards the back door with his wand out. He didn't want to be taken by surprise by Harry's uncle. Remus took a steadying breath, trying to keep his temper in check. He was so angry with the Dursleys that there was no telling what he might do. Harry meekly followed behind.

They found the three Dursleys huddled together in the living room. When they caught sight of them, Vernon stood up quickly, his face nearly purple with rage.

"Now see here! I won't stand for you freaks to be in my house-" he began to shout, but he was cut off by a simple silencing spell.

"Try to say anything more or move from that spot and you'll wish that you had never been born," Remus said in a low menacing voice, his eyes flashing with suppressed fury.

Vernon seemed to pale at this and nodded ever so subtlety to acknowledge that he understood. Petunia clasped onto Dudley even more tightly but didn't dare say anything else.

Harry led to Remus to a cupboard under the stairs and quietly explained that his school things had been confiscated from him at the beginning of summer. Remus performed a simple unlocking charm on the cupboard and found Harry's trunk inside. He quickly shrunk and pocketed it and was about to leave the small space when he saw a small cot at the back of the cupboard.

It seemed so unnatural and out of place. Something Ron had said earlier was starting to make sense. Without having to ask, Remus somehow knew that this was Harry had slept, at least at some point in his life. A deep sadness filled Remus' chest and he quietly stepped back into the hallway. He chanced a quick glance at Harry. His green eyes seemed to dim slightly and it was clear that he understood that Remus knew that this was once his room.

"There's more upstairs in my room," Harry said almost inaudibly, leading the way.

Remus followed him to a small room and couldn't help but notice the numerous locks and the cat flap at the bottom of the door. He was fairly certain that the Dursleys weren't the type to keep pets and wondered what it had been used for. He watched as Harry quickly threw clothes and a few meager belongings into a small duffle bag. He then reached under the bed and uprooted one of the floorboards and grabbed a photo album, his wand, and what appeared to be James's old invisibility cloak. When Harry finished, Remus shrank all but the wand and added them to the other things in his pocket.

"Where are we going?" Harry asked, releasing Hedwig from her cage. She jumped out onto his arm and hooted happily.

"Hogwarts," Remus replied, reaching for the amulet that hung around his neck.

"Go to Hogwarts, Hedwig," Harry told his beloved pet. "Is that a portkey?" he then asked, pointing to the necklace.

Remus nodded, knowing Harry's dislike of this form of travel. All the Order members were required to carry them when on guard duty. "Sorry, but it's the safest way to get there."

"I thought we were going to Floo at Mrs. Figg's," said Harry.

"Sorry, but I couldn't tell your friends about the portkey."

"Why?"

"If anyone found out the Order carried them they could be compromised and your safety would be put at risk."

"Oh."

"Ready to go?"

Harry nodded and stepped forward, placing one finger on the small device that Remus was holding out to him. He then tapped it with his wand to activate it, "Portus."

They dizzily arrived in the Hogwarts infirmary, a predetermined location. All the Order members had agreed that should the portkey be activated in an emergency that it may be important to seek medical attention as soon as possible. All agreed the infirmary would be safer than St. Mungo's.

Against Harry's protest Remus quickly fire called Dumbledore and the school nurse, alerting them of their presence in the hospital ward. When she arrived, Madam Pomfrey tactfully ran her diagnostic scans. Remus helplessly watched as the teenager suffered under Dumbledore and the school nurse's scrutiny. A few house elves soon appeared and Remus handed them Harry's things so that they could be delivered to his room.

When scans were done, the nurse administered Harry a variety of potions, some to counteract his malnutrition and others to heal the various cuts and bruises he had incurred. Remus couldn't help but notice the despondent look on Harry's face, especially when the boy noticed the self-inflicted wounds on his wrist has disappeared as well.

Madam Pomfrey went about her duties quietly and seemed almost reticent about Harry's care, which worried Remus slightly. He made a mental note to inquire if there wasn't something more going on with Harry that they were not aware of.

When the nurse did all she could do, Remus and Dumbledore pulled up a chair beside the bed Harry was sitting on. "Why did you never say anything?" Dumbledore asked.

Harry shrugged, refusing to meet he old wizard's piercing blue gaze.

"If we had known…" his voice trailed off, not needing to state the obvious. "It appears that I have failed once more to notice something right under my nose. And for that, I am sorry, Harry."

"Whatever," said Harry indifferently.

Dumbledore sighed. "Do you wish to stay at the Burrow with your friends?" he asked.

Harry shook his head and brought his knees up to his chest, looking quite uncomfortable with the prospect.

"May I ask why, my boy?" the old wizard inquired, looking quite surprised.

Harry shrugged his shoulders in reply still not willing to say anything more.

"Can he stay at Hogwarts?" Remus asked.

"That would be acceptable, but I'm afraid that he will need guardian while he is here."

Harry scoffed at the notion but didn't say anything about it.

"I'll do it," Remus said quickly, knowing that after what he had seen he wouldn't be able to leave Harry's side anyway.

Dumbledore nodded and by the twinkle in his eye Remus knew this was what the man had planned all along. "I'll have the house elves set you up in the Gryffindor Tower."

Remus nodded and the two gentlemen turned back towards Harry, who was clearly trying to avoid their gaze. "I will need to grab some things from Grimmauld Place if I'm going to be staying here. And I should probably say something to Hermione and Ron. They're expecting you to stay with them at the Burrow… What should I tell them?" he asked. Remus wasn't sure if Harry was even listening to him. "Harry?"

"What!" the boy asked, his head whipping around and his green eyes blazing.

"What do you want me to tell them?" Remus calmly asked again.

"That I'm staying here," Harry said firmly.

"Do you want them to come visit?"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because I don't, okay!" Harry said hotly, turning away from him once more.

"Will you at least write them? I'm sure they are worried."

Harry shook his head adamantly.

"I realize you might be angry with them for finding out like that, but-"

"I don't want to talk about it!"

Remus sighed not knowing what else to say to the young man who was clearly hell bent on staying angry with them all.

"Can I go now?" Harry then asked irritably.

Dumbledore nodded and Harry scooted his thin frame off the hospital bed. Still clad in a t-shirt and baggy jeans, Harry grabbed his hooded sweatshirt from the side table and quickly put it on. He then shoved his thumbs through the holes he had cut out the seam of each sleeve so that slightly soiled cuffs covered most of his hands. He even threw the hood over his head for good measure. Sufficiently covered once more by his protective "armor," he trudged toward the hallway in search of his tower.

Remus watched the boy with a heavy heart, not knowing how he was going to get through to the angry teenager. When Harry was out of sight, Madam Pomfrey quietly stepped forward and handed Dumbledore the piece of parchment that she had used during her triage.

"I think you need to see this," she said softly.

Both men glanced over the contents, blanching at the list of past injuries. It was much worse than they had all assumed and it was all Remus could do to keep it together. Tears prickled his eyes and he blinked rapidly to prevent them from falling. Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore looked quite distraught as well. Knowing that she was no longer needed, the nurse excused herself and left the two men alone.

"Headmaster…"

"Call me Albus, please."

"Alright, Albus," said Remus, feeling awkward about addressing his elder in such a way. "After seeing Poppy's chart on Harry, I feel that he may need help… help that I don't think we're capable of giving him."

"I've already thought of that," the wizard began looking quite worried. "I have a friend at St. Mungo's who I think may be able to help." When he saw the worried look in Remus's eyes, he added, "Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be discreet."

The last thing Harry needed was someone to blab his story to the media. He clearly didn't want anyone to know what was happening to him at the Dursleys and he certainly wouldn't want to read about it in the Daily Prophet.

"What about the Dursleys?" Remus asked, knowing that it was sometimes difficult to bring Muggles up on wizarding criminal charges.

"I don't know how to deal with them yet. I suppose a lot will depend on Harry," he said. "When he's ready we'll need to discuss filing criminal charges."

Remus was thoughtful for a few moments and finally added, "I'd like to petition the Ministry for permanent guardianship of Harry."

"You do realize how difficult that may be given your werewolf heritage," the headmaster began.

Remus nodded. It had been the reason he had not sought guardianship of the boy when he was a child. He had wrongly assumed like so many others that Harry had been left in adequate care. And after Sirius had returned and expressed his joy over being Harry's godfather, Remus had had no reason to pursue the issue. But his friend was gone now and it was clear that Harry needed a support system. Remus, who had no family of his own, was only too happy to try and give the teen a loving home.

"Then I will see what I can do."

Remus thanked the headmaster and turned towards the fireplace. He was quite exhausted, but he still had two former students he needed to pay a visit to. It was the least he could do for them after they had discovered what had happened to their small friend. It was going to be a difficult conversation to say the least.

* * *

Harry found his way to the Tower and discovered his trunk already lying at the foot of his bed. He desperately needed a shower so he grabbed his pajamas and made his way to the adjoining bathroom. There he went about his normal routine, as though school was still in session, trying to forget about this awful day. He took a long, hot shower and then brushed his teeth and got ready for bed.

He then found his way back to the circular room he normally shared with four other boys. With their things missing because of the summer holiday, Harry got the first real sense of how very alone he was here. Everyone else was enjoying the time off from school with their families, while he was stuck here. At any other time of the year, Hogwarts had felt like his "home." It was only now that he realized that it wasn't because of this place, it was the people in it. With everyone missing it was just a large empty castle.

Harry knew he probably needed to sleep, but he was just too wide awake to climb into bed just now. Instead he found his way to the window and curled up on the large ledge. He looked across the grounds as it began to darken in the fading light. Firelight could be seen in Hagrid's cabin and Harry made a mental note that he should probably pay the half-giant a visit. Then he realized that would bring up a lot of questions he didn't feel like answering and thought better of it.

He sat there for a few hours, his knees pulled up to his chest so that he could wrap his arms around them. He rested his chin on his knee and watched as dark thunderclouds rolled in. Large heavy drops of rain began to pelt the window as the heavens opened up. A downpour quickly ensued, and Harry couldn't help but wonder if the weather was somehow tied to his stormy mood.

He knew he should be grateful that someone had finally thought enough of him to get him away from the Dursleys, but he just felt angry instead. He had long ago resolved himself to the fact that life with the Dursleys was a difficult one. He had accepted his fate, knowing that despite the grief his so called family gave him he was protected from Voldemort there. He didn't quite understand how his blood ties to his aunt reinforced the wards surrounding Privet Drive, but if it would protect him than so be it. He would do whatever was necessary, even if it meant putting up with his uncle, so that he could stay alive long enough to defeat Voldemort.

After what happened at the Department of Mysteries this year, Harry had made some important decisions. Although he always expected his fate to be tied to Voldemort, the prophecy had made it abundantly clear that "neither could live while the other survives." He decided that he needed to begin training to win the war, on his own if necessary, and that he needed to cut all ties to the ones that he loved. He couldn't bear it if he lost anyone else because of his foolishness.

The guilt over losing Sirius had clawed at Harry's chest all summer. Sometimes it felt as though a beast were trying to rip his chest apart in order to reach his heart. This was bad enough. He couldn't imagine how he would feel if something were to happen to Ron or Hermione. He knew he had to end his friendship with them, even if it meant breaking the hearts of the best friends a guy good have. It was better to keep them away instead, and he had intended to give them the cold shoulder once school resumed in the fall. He knew it wouldn't be easy and they would suspect something more was going on, but that was a risk he was willing to take.

But his plans had swiftly changed in one afternoon. If only Hermione and Ron had kept their nose out of his business than none of this would have happened. He was furious with them to say the least. He knew they were well intentioned, but he couldn't help but hate them for outing his deeply kept secret.

He hadn't wanted anyone to find out, especially not them. Ron and Hermione were the only ones that he had ever felt like he could himself with. They were his rock, his constant. And now all of that would change. They would pity him and want to know things that he just didn't feel like sharing. They would stop loving him for who he was and only see him as some poor pathetic kid that couldn't even defend himself against his own family. It was almost enough to send him running for something sharp.

But the more he contemplated the situation the more he realized that maybe this would work to his advantage. Now he had a legitimate reason to push his friends away, even if it did break his heart to do so.

Thinking about all of this, about what he needed to do, Harry grew more and more despondent. He had never felt so alone or so afraid of the unknown. He sat there for a long while just shivering, though it wasn't only from the cold.

Later that night there was a knock on the door. When Harry didn't respond, Remus poked his head into the room.

"Harry?" he called, seeing him curled up on the window ledge.

Without even lifting his head, Harry dejectedly muttered, "Leave me alone."

"Harry-"

"Leave me alone!"

Remus hesitated as if he wanted to say more, but then simply said, "Good night, Harry." He quietly shut the door, leaving Harry to his pain.

Lightning suddenly filled the room with a violent streak of white light. A roll of thunder quickly followed. Harry then heard an odd keening noise, and it took a brief moment to realize that he had begun to sob. Wrapping his arms around his head he finally allowed himself to release the pent up grief he had been carrying around all summer.

He cried for the loss of his godfather, for Cedric, and for his parents. He cried for Dumbledore keeping him in the dark all year. He cried for the stupid mistake he had made that caused his friends to be attacked by Death Eaters. He cried for the injustice of it all.

But mostly he cried for himself.

"Happy Birthday to me…"

A/N: That was a very angsty beginning. Would you expect anything less from me? Let me know what you think.