The Interplanetary Guide to Defending Yourself Against Zombies and First Officers

Chapter One: Save Your Ammunition

As Kirk swung the steel-capped cane straight through the reanimated alien mayor of Rupert III's head and watched the body collapse, he turned to his first officer with a most serious expression. "That is why I like canes. And that's why carrying one around- even if my legs are perfectly strong, thank you- is logical."

Of course the Vulcanoid gave Jim a look that said "Why now? We're all being attacked by hoards of vicious undead." Or something to that effect. What he actually said was "I do not understand your reluctance to use a hand-phaser, Captain."

"What if I, you know, need it later?" Again the muffled sound of the cane crushing bone and decidedly dead flesh filled the air, and the captain laughed. "'sides, it's fun."

Spock took aim and fired a short blast of phaser fire at the skull of a man who had evidently once been a police officer, judging by his navy uniform, now tattered and rather dusty. "Fun, Captain?"

"Come on, don't tell me you've never wanted to hunt zombies. Have you never played a holo-game?" Kirk lashed out with the cane again. "Double-strike! Fuck yes! Can't touch this, you undead bastards!"

"The only simulations in which I have ever engaged were for the purposes of education, Captain. My only contact with the intersection of the entertainment industry and the human fascination with the 'undead' has been the Terran novel 'I Am Legend', a novel in which the 'undead' are sentient and, in many ways, more evolved than the human protagonist. Have you had any contact with Dr. McCoy, Ensign Sulu or Ensign Vermillion?"

"Negative, Mister Spock. Once we catch a break I'll drop them a line...uh, that means I'll call 'em up. Can you pick locks or at least try and open up that door over there? It might keep 'em at bay for awhile. How were they superior to humans, anyways? They were dead, right?"

"Affirmative, Captain, although in this instance I would much prefer that you utilize your hand-phaser seeing as I will be unable to back you up should your inclinations to use physical force be insufficient to subdue our pursuers."

"Naturally, Mister Spock. Couldn't have you getting hurt."

There was something not unlike a smile threatening to betray itself in the first officer's eyes. "It is hard to explain, Captain, but the 'zombies' had a sort of collective consciousness, or hive mind, so to speak. They were connected in a way that may be hard for humans to understand, but--" There was a sudden 'chink' as the doors gave way, and Spock dusted off his hands on the front of his uniform. "I have unlocked the doors, Captain."

"Excellent, Mister Spock."

The two immediately shoved the heavy wooden doors closed behind them. As Kirk kept the dozen or so of the...things outside from heavy-handing the door open, Spock, with his inhuman strength, barricaded the doors with a refrigerator unit located nearby and positioned it so as to hold the doors closed.

"Like bonded Vulcans," Spock finished.

"Can a Vulcan and a human not bond?" Jim looked around, guardedly gripping his cane like a sword. His knuckles were white as bone even under the blood and dirt. "This is, like, a grocery store, I think."

"My parents were obviously able to bond, as mentally, they were most compatible. I will not be able to bond with a human unless the human and I are most well-suited to each other. It would be easier were I a full-blooded Vulcan. However, given the...endangered nature of my species, it is unlikely that there will be a Vulcan willing to bond with a half-human. It does appear to contain much food, Captain." He frowned just barely as he pulled his tricorder out of a bag at his side. "According to my readings, there are fourteen enemies at the door and one located inside of this building."

"Dr. McCoy, do you read me?" Kirk opened a bag of chips with his free hand.

"Affirmative. Jim, Ensign Vermillion has been killed and we are in a bad position. But-- shit--" There was a silent moment, but then the comm crackled again. "Sulu's good at this, goddamn. Not useless like some people. Anyways, Scotty says he'll be able to beam us up in ten minutes, so we'll make it- you're still in range of whatever it is that's fucking with the transporter, but it's starting to clear up according to him."

"Excellent. Stay safe. Kirk out." The captain then frowned. "Wait, one in this building?"

Spock had started to rummage through the glass containers against the wall and pulled out a bottle of something-or-other. "Affirmative, Captain."

"Weird." He raised his voice. "Zombie cleanup on aisle two! Come get your head smashed in, you creepy sonuva-"

"It's moving, Captain. Please stay aware."

"Oh, hey! They have energy drinks!" Spock fired his phaser once, aiming behind the captain, and there was the now-familiar sound of a body hitting the floor. "That's interesting, though. Do they not want, like, the bloodline messed up?"

The Vulcanoid managed to sit down and lean against a magazine rack whilst still looking dignified. His look was almost contemplative, and he gave Kirk an oddly direct glance, then returned to his typical lack-of-expression-expression. "It's not so much that as that I am likely to be infertile, given that I am a hybrid. Although it was also thought improbable I would survive the gestation period, so it may very well be that there are simply things yet to be discovered about human-Vulcan hybrids."

"You can be tested for that, though, right?" Kirk slumped beside his first officer audibly with his drink and bag of chips, the latter of which he offered to Spock.

Again, Spock managed the impossible. He ate the excessively salty junk food gracefully. Kirk had to look away as his science officer sucked the flavoring off of his fingers. "Theoretically, yes. However, I have yet to have done so, although at some point I must. I acknowledge that."

"What's stopped you in the past?"

"I regret to say that I have experienced mild anxiety regarding the potential results of such a test. If I am capable of producing children, I would be expected to take a mate and raise the child on New Vulcan. I could not reason myself out of such an action- that which I owe my species is too significant of a burden to ignore. I believe myself, however, to be most effectively utilized within the context of this outfit, and would not be able to work productively on New Vulcan. Yet if it is revealed that I am in fact infertile, there will be truly nothing I can do for my species. It is as close to an emotional dilemma as I have ever experienced, and therefore I have found myself frozen in indecision."

Kirk was silent for a moment and his first officer cast him a sideways glance. The blue-white neon light of the displays gave the captain a corpse-like appearance. The blunt sound of something throwing itself against the doors made them both start.

"That sucks, I guess." Jim's gaze now lingered on the doorway. "But I'm sure I could pull some strings and get you a laboratory there if you have to go to New Vulcan and stay there. And there's tons you can do for New Vulcan- on the Enterprise, you're practically already an Ambassador. Every single government or people we come in contact with gets a positive impression of the Vulcans, which will pay off in terms of your people gaining allies. It's never been so important for them to be supported as it is now, I'm sure you know that."

He turned to Spock only to see the Vulcan looking at him with a strange play of emotions- well, hints of emotions- flickering across his face like static electricity. Finally self-control seemed to win out and with a voice seeped in gratitude, the Vulcan said, "Thank you, Jim."

The human grinned widely and then leaned back against the magazine rack, sighing. "I'm fucking tired, man."

"Understandable. We have been on this planet for six hours and fleeing for the majority of that time. It would be advisable for you to attempt to rest. I would not be opposed to guarding the various points of entrance. I will, naturally, awake you should a situation arise."

"Thanks, Spock. Here's the communicator- and, oh, my phaser. I'd appreciate it if you'd check up on Bones in a few- I'll try and sleep." Kirk fumbled awkwardly for the gun at his waist before handing it over to his companion.

Not but a few minutes later the young man was sprawled out in between two aisles of garishly colored junk food, his cane held loosely in one hand, and, having escaped the neon lights, his skin was warm and bruised in the dark. The Vulcan had to tear his gaze away as his captain slept.