Can I close my eyes? I want to. But it hurts so bad. It hurts me here, deep inside my heart. Every time I see your arms around her I wish it were me. But it isn't, it never is, never was, never will be either. You look at her and I look at the trees. You smile at her and I smile at the ground. You kiss her and I walk away. Have you ever noticed me? I wonder.

I like my situation now. I've always been something of a masochist. I like pain, it gives me a way, a heaven all of my own, to vent my anger, my frustration, my sadness. Someone saw my arms today. One of the cuts was infected. The nurse dragged me to rehab. I don't know why they can't stay out of my life. I can't see any harm in my little pleasures. I hope they didn't inform you. You will hate me more. I know you will. And I'll still not care.

I bumped into some guy at rehab, I've been here for four hours and everybody here knows me, he had the same 'problem' I do. I told him I had no problem, and that he should mind his own business. He simply smiled and walked away. He had a smile that beat yours by a mile. I've decided that if I can't have you then maybe he'll have me. Not much chance there, but I've always been the moth flying into fire.

They took away all my blades, and all sharp objects in my room, if you can call your ward your room. Mom and dad were shocked when they found out. They never expected their darling daughter to do something so disgusting. I don't understand what's so disgusting about flowing blood. I've always found it a little fascinating. So much red liquid in such a tiny thing.

I always try to close my eyes, but they won't let me. You won't let me. I talked to Tyson over the phone an hour ago. He was disappointed with me. I told him I know. I always knew. He wanted to tell everybody, to tell you, but I don't want to see you. Tyson said he'd come over and visit. He never did, I hope he doesn't. I don't want my cousin to see me in this state.

The nurse was very nice, she talked to me about her baby boy. He's only a year old. She showed me a photo too. He is very cute. She asked me about myself. I told her that I love pain. She asked me why, and I didn't have an answer. I want to close my eyes, but she told me that a ship rides a calm ocean ad also a raging storm and still survives. Only I'm not a ship, nor am I riding the waves.

I ate my lunch, it was a nice lunch. Full of cheese and tomatoes. I felt nicer after that treat. I never eat cheese, not because I'll gain weight, but because she never does. But after that treat, I felt happier. Would you like me if I ate cheese more often? Somehow I doubt that it will make any difference to you at all. You only care about your beyblade, being the best and her. Not me. I know.

A shrink came in right after the nurse. She told me I was depressed because of suppressed emotions. If only she knew how right she was. I'll never tell her though. I'm allowed to leave in a month if I get better. If. Highly unlikely. So I told her that maybe she should make arrangements to keep me here for the rest of my life. She only laughed and hugged me. I hugged her back and cried into her shoulder. I never said a word, but I cried and cried, and she just held me. I think I feel lighter now. Maybe I should cry more often.

The day I met you, I didn't like you. The day you left, I fell in love with you. But I never took the chance. Jason, the guy I bumped into, came in again. He told me the shrink told him to come. He had black hair, it's short. And he looks like someone out of the movies. At least his smile does. When I told him that he told me, still with that dazzling smile that that's the worst compliment he's ever got. He doesn't like movies, just like me. They give him a headache, and movies give me a backache. We looked at each other and smiled. He said I look nice. When I told him that I look sick, he told me that I'd look gorgeous when I get better. I want to get better now. Only so that he can tell me that again.

I asked him if he had a story. He did. He started to cut himself because his parents got divorced and fought over who should take care of him. Neither of them wanted him. My heart went out to him. He's about four years older than I am. I asked him about his girlfriends. He said he didn't have any, he didn't feel anything for the girls around him. I asked him about boyfriends and he glared at me like hellfire. Luckily humans can't burn because of a glare.

I told him about you, and he said that I simply gotta let you go. You're not worth all this. I asked if he ever fell in love. He said no. And then I told him that it was worth it. He only shook his head and told me that cutting isn't the answer to all our problems. I asked him why he said that. He said maybe next time and walked away. But before he did I asked him to visit again. He told me he would.

I've been here for a few days now. Tyson came and visited. He cried for me. I cried along with him. Tyson's cool that way. He doesn't care who see's him cry. He knows that he isn't a wimp, but he also knows that he's human. He asked me to promise that I'd get out of here in a month. I said I'd try. He didn't leave until I said I would. He told me the guys asked about me, about where I was and why I wasn't there. He also told me that you didn't ask. But I find that I don't really care.

Jason came by again today. He asked me if I still wanted the answer to my question. I said I already got it. He simply smiled and patted my head. I scowled and he laughed and kissed my cheek. I blushed. I asked him if he liked me. He said he'd find out in a few days. I nodded and we ate our lunch together. He said he liked capsicums. I said I don't like them, but he still forced them down my throat. I think I like capsicums now. I asked him why he was here now that he's all better. He told me he wants to help people with this problem. I told him he'd help many people and save many lives. I think he felt touched by that because he hugged me.

The nurse told me some stories about her son. She comes by everyday to check my injuries. I laughed when she told me that she went everywhere around her house looking for her son when she had strapped him to her back. She only found him when her husband pointed him fast asleep on her back. I asked her to tell me some more funny stories. She said one a day. I still have twenty-five more days here. But I don't feel so bad. I may get used to this place. I told the nurse that she gave good advice. She looked at me with a confused expression, but I just smiled. I realize that I am in the middle of a storm now. A big storm. The only way to get out of it is if I ride the waves.

The shrink comes by every two days. I told her it's not necessary. She said she wanted to. She asked me about my dreams. I want to become a shrink now. She said it's tough. And I told her I don't care. I also told her about Tyson and the guys. Though I left you out of it. She didn't press me though. I think she wants me to tell her only when I trust her fully.

Mom and dad sent a letter and a large box of chocolates. They're abroad, in Europe. They're always going around the world. They were very apologetic that they could not be here. Mum's coming in a few days though. She's going to be with me till I get better. And after that she's going to stay for a year. Dad may visit sometimes. I love my parents, they're the nicest I could ever have. I don't deserve them though. The letter also told me that I'm going to get a baby brother or sister. I was so happy. But there's going to be a nineteen year gap between us. I have four other siblings too. The youngest is five. They are all boys though. I want a baby sister. She'll have four older brothers and one older sister. My siblings live with grandma and grandpa in a peaceful town near Osaka. I visit them every week, but now they're going to visit me.

Sean, my immediate younger brother, yelled at me over the phone when I told him. He's very protective of me. He's sixteen now and he says that he'll come and kill you. I told him not to be suicidal. He's going to miss school for five days till mom comes. They all are. I never told you about my brothers did I? Well Sean is sixteen and attends a private school in the town where he lives. He's into lacrosse. Ed or Edward is eleven and he also goes to the same school as Sean. Zack is seven and he's adorable. He is home schooled till he turns eleven. All of us are. It's a tradition in our family. My youngest brother, Bill, still sucks his thumb. He lives with mom most of the time, except when she's really busy.

Jason sneaked in after dinner and I told him everything about my family. He smiled ruefully and said he wished he had a family like mine. I said he'd find one somewhere along the road. He kissed me again. I kissed him back and we talked some more. Sometime during our talk Jason climbed in next to me on the bed and we drifted off to sleep. Luckily he woke up before the nurse came and said he'd come in sometime later. I've totally forgotten about you. Only in six days. I thought it'd take me my entire life to forget you. I'm happy though. I have no more reason to cut myself. Jason is there for me. And I promised him that I was there for him.

Mom came by yesterday. She's been here for about four days. She's already three months along. She says that if she had been there for me, then maybe I wouldn't be here. I told her that it wasn't her fault. She brought over some ice creams and we talked into the night eating ice cream out of the large tubs. I told her about you, Kai. And she said she understood, with a look in her eye that I knew she wasn't lying. Something like you must have happened to her too. After that I told her about Tyson and the gang. She laughed at him and praised him. Sometimes I think she feels Tyson is another of her children. Tyson's mom was my mom's younger sister. She died in a shoot out a few years after Tyson was born. Mom was always there for him, that's how we got so close.

She said she'd visit Tyson after she left here. I think she's set herself up at the dojo. Gramps always loves it when his daughter comes over. I think she's throwing a tantrum right now about how starved Tyson looks and how gramps should try to calm down lest he bursts a blood vessel. And she'd be fussing over Hiro's hair or his occupation or something. I wonder how long it'll be before they all start shouting.

Sean sneaked out of school to visit me. I told him off and he started pouting. I hate it when he does that. I always end up doing something that ensures trouble. He asked the nurse if he could take me to town for some shopping. She let us go. I know something's going to happen on this outing that's going to get me in massive trouble. I hate Tyson right now. He modeled Sean after himself. Arrogant punk.

We went shopping for games. Mom got him a Wii recently and he already has loads of games. I wonder what he needs a Wii for when he already had an Xbox, a playstation and what not. I think dad indulges him too much. At least he doesn't fail school. He also got himself a new beyblade. He has a bit beast. Just like every male in my family. He busted a whooping 10,000 yen on games. I'm in so so so much trouble.

But he was sweet enough to get me a new skirt. It's blue with an embroidered butterfly on the bottom left. I love it. He also got mom a new dress. I don't get what he's trying to do. I think he wants to get me killed. He told me about his current girlfriend. I think this is girlfriend number 10. He doesn't date anyone for more than three months. He says it's safer that way. The two stay friends even after breaking up. Sometimes I wonder if he'll ever fall in love.

He told me that his school lacrosse team is going to go abroad for tournaments. He's captain. We went to visit gramps and deposit the dress. Ray looked at me strangely, as did Max and Kenny and Daichi. Sean glared at you Kai. But you ignored him and me. He flipped you and dragged me into the house. The moment we stepped through the door we heard shouting. Sean and I laughed and ran to see the fight.

Mom was in the middle of the dojo shouting at Hiro, he looked a little ashamed but shouted right back. Mom shook her fist at him and he shut up. Tyson and gramps were on the floor grumbling. I guess they already got beaten. Mom never looses shouting matches. She has the most impressive set of lungs I've had the honor to come across. Mom said something about girlfriend and wife and kids. Hiro might have fainted if he was anyone else. I bet you're going to gloat over this Kai. Mom slapped Hiro upside the head and directed him to sit down next to gramps. I've never seen Hiro obey faster.

Mom was about to shout at us, but kept quiet when Sean handed the dress over to her. She might have cried when she saw the price. But I think she felt very touched and hugged all of us, especially Hiro. She really is pregnant. Gramps looked ready to cry. Hiro scowled at me. I guess he's a little angry that I didn't tell him too. He drove me back to the centre. Hiro said he'd take care of you for me. I kinda feel sorry for you. My brothers are after you. It's three against one. Anyway I don't really care.

It's been two weeks since I was in this centre. Mom kept visiting. Sean can't visit till the holidays start. Ed came by to visit me and mom. He was really angry with me when I explained to him what I had done to myself. He's so intelligent for an eleven year old. His teachers call him a genius. I think he is. Jason sleeps next to me whenever he can. It's about three in the morning and I can't sleep. Jason looks so adorable when he sleeps. I think I'm falling in love again.

I got up and walked over to the window in my room. The night sky looks beautiful this time of the year. It's so clear and all the stars are shining to their potential, and it just makes me feel so special that I can see this. I wonder if there are other planets with people in them with the same problems that earth has. That its inhabitants have. Well that's talk for later. I turned around to see Jason looking at me serenely. He asked me to go over to him. I complied, though I was a little slow. When I reached him he pulled me into a hug and he sat me on his lap. I'm blushing red right now. I looked straight into his beautiful dark brown eyes and smiled. He held my chin and pulled me in for a kiss. It was really nice and innocent and my heart stopped beating. He pulled back and smiled at me. This was the first time that we actually kissed. All the other times we've only kissed on the cheek, like friends.

He asked me what I was staring at, and I showed him. He looks so darn amazing with that enraptured expression on his face. Jason isn't like you at all. He can appreciate the small things, the small yet significant things that this world has given us, and I love that about him. Kai when you read this will you think of me as rude? As pointless? Or will you truly look into your heart and pull out what is already there, and look at things the way everybody else does? I hope you do the latter, because then I'd have achieved something.

When mom came by I told her about my kiss with Jason, she didn't seem all that disapproving that he slept in the same bed that I do. But she told me to go one step at a time. I asked mom to tell me what had happened with her to make her so understanding. She said that someday she'd tell me, but now was not the time, nor the place. She took me out for lunch today. Tyson and Hiro and gramps were also there. Though I was surprised to see grandma and grandpa with my brothers come trooping in. Gramps and grandpa clapped each other on the back and started talking about something. It really was nice to see them like this. They were good friends from the time they were four apparently. Though mom told me they had gotten into a fight when she and dad got together, which they promptly made up for that night by drinking half the bar away.

Grandma hugged me really tightly and was almost on the verge of crying. I told her everything, though not loud enough for everybody else to hear. Grandma ordered my favorite, roasted duck, and went about frowning at anyone who even tried to take a taste. It's really scary when grandma scowls. It's as if when she scowls, the universe rights itself from all the wrongs it did. Meaning my family. Hiro asked me who Jason was, when I told him, he said he'd be paying a visit to him. I kinda feel sorry for Jason, but I really can't stop Hiro. I think Sean wants to go too.

Tyson asked me to go with him to the garden for a minute. He wanted to tell me something, and when I went with him the bloody asshole made me pay for an entire cheesecake from the desert bar. My wallets empty now. Though he did tell me that you and the guys asked if I was leaving the team. He told me Hiro told them to mind their own beeswax and made them run fifteen rounds around the dojo. Though he did make you run 20. I smiled broadly and told him I kissed Jason. He told me Hiro would take care of the guy. It seems like I have four overprotective brothers. Three grandparents who want to pamper me. And two younger brothers who are way too cute to even exist. Though I am happy they do exist.

Tyson drove me back this time. He wanted to talk to me. He told me you broke up with her. I wonder why you did that. He also told me that you got another girl the next minute. Kai you've changed so much. It's not nice, this change. I liked you so much more when you were cold and caring only for your team. But now I don't think you're any of that. I don't know who you are anymore. Why have you become like this. It's really sad. Kai when I get back will you have had another girl than the one you have right now? My heart really breaks when I think about it. Please Kai, please become the old Kai I always knew and loved.

Jason told me today that he is leaving the country for further studies. He's going to America. I asked him not to go. But he told me he had to, it was his dream.

He pulled me into my room and locked the door and hugged me tightly. I am crying so hard now my tears are falling on my paper, blotting the ink. Jason told me that he truly loved me, that I was his first love. But he had to go. He had to go and fulfill his dream. I asked him if he was moving because of me. He told me he wouldn't have gone if he could. But he had been awarded a scholarship in Yale for psychology. He told me this was the best thing that had happened to him since ever. I asked him if he meant the scholarship or me. He looked into my eyes intensely and I knew it was me. I pulled him into a kiss, and we kissed till I couldn't do anything but cry anymore. I told him he had helped me so so much. He said I helped him more. I gave him love which he said had been in short supply with his family.

He said that when he came back, he was sure he was coming back, if I was still single and he was single too that we'd get married. He said I was a person he'd love to marry. I told him he was a person that I truly loved. And after that he told me he'd have to go make arrangements for his stay there, and everything else. I told him he could use my parents place in America. They have pads all over the world, as their work takes them everywhere. But he declined and told me this was something he had to do on his own. I nodded in resignation. He told me to move on. We'd never be able to pull off a long distance relationship, and both of us needed to move on from each other. I smiled at him and told him I'd come to the airport to drop him off. He was really happy when I told him that.

I also told him he'd just been saved from a visit from my brothers. He said he was glad. He asked me if I could go out with him tomorrow. I most certainly said yes, and I'm going to be spending the entire day with him tomorrow. Helping him pack and look for a place to stay and helping him in everyway possible. He is leaving on Thursday. Today's Monday. After some more time talking and making out, Jason said he really had to go. After he left I called Hiro.

Hiro was really angry with Jason, but after I told him I was ok with it, and we hadn't become really serious, he calmed down and hugged me. We played a few games of monopoly. I say few because Hiro cheats and always manages to make me loose. I don't know how that is possible, but it is with Hiro. He said he'd be happy to take me to the airport on Thursday, and after that the desert shop. I love mudslides, and apple pie. Hiro kissed me goodnight on my forehead and left.

The next day was really a wonderful day. Jason and me went to a park and had breakfast at a small Chinese food cart. Then we went to play mini golf, which may inform you I won. Jason can't aim to save his life. He hit the ball once and it moved all of a two inches. He really had hit the ground. No smacked it. He sat frowning at the ball and gave up two hours later. We went on the roller coaster and screamed ourselves hoarse, even though we didn't need to. After that we grabbed some lunch and went to see a movie, where honestly telling you, we only made out. We got the seat at the end in a corner. And the theatre was not very full. We made out for most of the movie, and when everybody started leaving I realized I was sitting on him instead of on my seat. And we had missed most of the movie with our talking and me crying and him kissing my tears away. Oops.

After that we went bowling, which both of us were pretty good at. Though he won in the end when he said something so damn funny that my swing landed the ball three lanes away from mine. Everyone in the alley were looking at me grinning, as I had jumped lanes to retrieve my ball. The management threatened to throw me out if I did something like that again, but they were also laughing.

We went to the video games centre and played the DDR and god Jason is amazing at it. He really knows how to move his hips. We really danced till we had a crowd. One girl actually came up to us and asked us to teach her. We were so bewildered that all we could do was blink, but Jason recovered soon and pulled the little girl up and started teaching her how to move and when. We left half an hour later, with her parents thanking us a lot. I asked him about packing, and he told me he had hired professionals. They were his friends so it was cool to be out.

It was about seven now, and he asked me if I wanted to eat. I simply dragged him to the food court and pigged out. I had pasta, and fries and a large coke. I also had a few dangos. Jason stated thankfully that he didn't have to feed me. I told him I was nothing, and that he should see Tyson or better yet, Hiro. Hiro is a secret glutton. He eats a little when in front of people, but later he pigs out so much, it's almost double that of Tyson. Jason just shook his head. He had a pizza, a plate of sushi and garlic bread. I told him he eats too little. He only shook his head at me.

He said that he had one more place he really wanted to go to. I really sincerely expressed my desire not to go into the bloody haunted house. He grinned like a Cheshire cat who had just eaten all of the cream. I had no choice but to go inside. It was a group thing, but we ended up splitting up the first chance we got.

As soon as we went down a corridor a bloody hand caught hold of my ankle. I think I scared the hand away with my scream. Jason only laughed at me. I glowered at him. He shut up and wrapped his hand around me. Five seconds later – actually it was five minutes – we came out into a grave yard. It had skeletons all over, and zombies started walking towards us. We ran. We came out into a mirrored maze and all the mirrors showed us in horrid horrid shapes and we saw a zombie following us. We ran out of the maze, I don't know how Jason did it, but we came out in one piece. I stomped Jason's foot in repayment, but he only laughed. He drove me back to the centre and he ended up sleeping next to me. I was glad though I had spent an entire day with Jason, and entire fun filled, amazing make out session, and fun bowling game, and a horrible haunted house, and I slept soundly.

The next day I didn't even get to see Jason but my shrink came in and told me that I'd be able to get out early next week. But I'd have to meet her at least once a month. I asked her if I really had improved, she told me all my injuries had been healed, and disinfected. And I had become much more cheerful, and happy. I thanked her a lot and hugged her. I asked her to stay though, and I told her about you, Kai, and I also told her about Jason. She said that she was proud of the way I had healed from all of that. She also told me Jason is going to be an amazing shrink. She said he had healing power like no other. I completely agreed with her. She left though after that, but before she did, she told me that relationships only exist to make a person stronger or weaker. She told me that I had to choose what a relationship was going to be to me. Was it going to be a thing where I was a puppet, gave myself to the other person without a care for myself, or was it going to be a relationship where we both supported each other, where we both sacrificed and gained. And she left. I have to choose now. And I'm pretty sure what I want.

It's been a month since I got out of rehab, I went to the airport the day after my conversation with Ms. Lee, the shrink. Jason was waiting for me. He told me his mother had had a change of heart and had given him an inheritance that his grandfather had left for him. I was really happy for him.

That day when I went to the airport was one of the saddest days ever. Jason's mother actually came and wished him good luck for his school and stuff. Then he simply forgave her without any more ado. I was really touched and cried into Hiro's shoulder. Jason came up to me and pulled me to a remote corner of the airport and gave me a box. He told me not to say it's too much. He said he wanted me to have it. It was a pink sapphire butterfly pendant on a thin silver chain.

He told me his grandmother had left it with him to give to whomever he deemed worthy of it. I was really touched and allowed him to put it on me. He told me that I was the only person he would want to give it too. Not even his wife would deserve this. I hit him really hard and told him to shut up. I gave him a watch from Rolex. I told him I bought it yesterday and it didn't have the same value as his gift did. He told me even if I had given him a rag I picked up from the street he'd treasure it. I really slapped him this time. Not hard though. He chuckled and kissed me, before leaving me there and walking into the plane. That was the last I saw of him, his back stiff with determination and resolve. I slid down to my knees seeing him go.

Hiro bought me a mudslide and an apple pie which both of ate while he consoled me. I showed him the necklace Jason had given me, and he told me to treasure it. And tell my kids the story of this guy. I laughed at him, but I got a distinct impression that he was really serious. I think I will do that. I wonder now though who I am going to marry. Will I marry for the sake of my parents company, or will I marry for love. Hiro told me that he's going to become a board member of my parents company.

All of us are going to have something to do with the company. I think I'll go into the finance of the company same as my mom. Dad is the president of the company. He's planning on giving the CEO position to Hiro, but the stupid shit doesn't want it. He says that's much more work than a board member. Hiro let me drive us to the dojo where grandpa had also taken up residence. I went up to Tyson who was doing push-ups. He didn't see me, and fell down suddenly when I smashed my leg into his back. Mom threw a boot at me for that. I didn't dodge, and I now have a large lump on my head. Tyson as expected laughed.

Kenny and Max came up to me and asked me where I've been. I told them I had had some problems and was sorting my life out. They left it at that. Ray was in the kitchen preparing their snacks, I helped him out by holding onto Daichi who was trying to lick up all the jam. We started talking like old times, and he didn't treat me any different. He told me that this was the last tournament for most of them. Daichi would continue competing, but he and Kai and Tyson and Max were going to drop out of them. Daichi told me that he'd only play another two tournaments, and he'd throw in the towel too.

I was really surprised and saddened. Ray told me that he'd be going back to China and get married. He said he'd come back here and settle down. When I asked him about Max, Ray told me that Max is going back to America after this tournament, and take over his father's shop. I pointed out that Mr. Tate's shop is in Japan, and then he told me that he really didn't know Max's plan all that well, but he knew that Max was going to take over his father's shop.

I asked him about you Kai, and he told me that you were definitely going back to Russia and continue your studies. I said that was a pity. Daichi told me that he'd finish both tournaments alone and then he'd work in BBA. I said I was proud of him and he said thank you and that it meant a lot to him. I was surprised, I didn't know Daichi held my opinion that high. He said mine and Tyson's opinion were the most important to him. And immediately after that he ran away with the jam bottle. Ray sighed and took another bottle. I helped him out.

I am leaving Japan for a few weeks, mom's sending me to help dad. She made arrangements for my studies and exams and all that. Mom told me that she had also experienced something like I had with you and Jason, except that in her case the Jason of her time turned out to be my dad who stuck with her. I know the tournaments in a few more days, but I'll be there to watch each and everyone of you. Dad went crazy when I told him everything. But at least dad didn't want to go to America to blow Jason's head off. Hiro had half a mind to do just that that day.

I haven't spoken to you or seen either of you guys for these two months. I'm sorry I'll be back in Japan this Sunday. Hope to see you all well.

Thanks for reading this Kai.

Love you

Your friend Hilary….

Normal POV

Kai was out back playing basket ball all by himself. He stopped when he sensed someone watching him. He turned around to see that it was Hilary. He grunted and threw the ball into the hoop once more before walking up to her. He looked at her and pulled her into a sitting position next to him. He pulled out the thick bundle of papers from his large pocket on the knee. It was all creased and showed signs of being read a lot of times.

"I didn't know." He said simply placing the letter in between them. Hilary nodded and touched the letter softly.

"You didn't need to know. But it helped me move on from both of you" she replied taking her eyes off the letter and focusing instead on the pond.

"…..You helped me too Hilary. I am thankful for that." He told her a few minutes later.

"I don't know how I did that Kai, but if I did then I am glad." Hilary stated without much emotion, but then smiled at him warmly. Kai stared straight ahead of him and started whistling a tune he had always played to himself when he was in need to comfort.

"Do well in the tournament this time Kai. Maybe you'll be the champion. That'll be cool huh? If you do then you'll be going out in style….." Hilary whispered to him.

"Hilary, when you told me I had changed for the worse, I changed myself back to how I was, at least as much as I could……. I don't jump girls on my whim and fancy anymore….. that's enough style for me. I don't care if I win or not…. But this year the BladeBreakers are planning something special……………" he said suddenly sitting straighter and looking at her. Hilary turned to face him and he continued "Hil, maybe in the future we will see each other again…… and if we do, I'll tell you something I've never told anybody. In the future maybe our paths will cross again, and then we'll take up this friendship again. But till then I've gotta say good bye. We'll see each other during the tournaments, but I won't be able to say a proper goodbye….." he said standing up and looking at her sincerely.

"……………………..So this is it?" seeing Kai nod she stood up too and took his hands in her own "Then, I hope we meet in the future Kai. We'll be friends then alright? Maybe, then you'll tell me what you've never told anyone, maybe then you'll have had gathered both the courage and the trust to tell someone……………… if this is good bye till we meet again, then give me a hug Kai" Hilary said her voice breaking with the effort to hold in her tears. Kai pulled her into a hug and they held each other tightly before breaking away and walking in the opposite directions. They did not look back even once.

From the shadows, Keiko, looked at the disappearing shape of her daughter and the young man she had given her heart to. She sighed and leaned into the tree trunk, before jumping of the branch she was sitting on and walking in.

"It's always there, I never really fades……." she said into the quit night air before she shut the door.

Thinking-about-it: This is a story I wrote over a few days when I was feeling particularly depressed. It's a dedication to this guy who I really like, but I don't have the courage to confess. I will never tell him, and I felt this would help me. And it really did.

I feel that love is something that's one of the strangest emotions in this world, and I hope to understand it one day, until I do….. this is my perception of a one sided love.