AN: So I decided to skip the Esme point of view, as Edwards work just as well if not better… I hope you like this chapter, As always Edward is doing a lot of thinking, and he ends up skirting what he knows is coming, but he doesn't acknowledge such... what that means, you'll just have to read. And personally I thought I was going to fit Monday into this chapter… but it just didn't happen, doesn't mean Bella's not in this chapter, a little bit… (*cough* stalker *cough*)

Disclaimer: I no own Twilight. SM does.

It is Worth the Pain

EPOV

I had blasted the radio all the way home. I hadn't wanted to think about anything… hadn't thought about how I was going to deal with everyone… how I would explain my sudden absence after deciding that I could handle it… I didn't want to think about her, or the strange electric pulse that had been there during class… so I just didn't think at all. It was, and not surprisingly, difficult. But I just listened the music while singing along and solving differential equations while actually concentrating on the road and taking in the scenery. It kept me busy enough. I just didn't have a clue what was waiting for me at home.

The first thing I was met with was Esme's embrace, to which I returned briefly. I looked to Carlisle,

"I'm sorry." The relief my return brought him was clear,

"It's alright son, your back now." Every time I left unexpectedly, they'd always worry that I would have a repeat of my rebellion. I knew that would never happen, just the same, my leaving had scarred Esme and Carlisle, both in different ways for different reasons. I doubted their worry would ever truly abate.

The second thing I was met with was Bella, and suddenly I wasn't hugging Esme, I was holding on to her for support. God, the venom pooled and my mind became a haze. I couldn't concentrate on my families thoughts, it almost seemed like they were blocking me. What reason would they have for that though? Why was Bella here, I wanted her close, I wanted to brush her hair with my fingers, I wanted to brush my lips across her wrist, I wanted to hold her, I wanted to sink my teeth into her delicate neck, I wanted her close, I wanted… I wanted… The venom flow stilled and the haze disappeared slowly and my mind once again became my own, as Alice stepped away.

"Oops! I haven't changed yet" I looked at her incredulously.

We went shopping.

I looked at Carlisle, surely he couldn't be okay with this,

Alice has assured us that the human will not be a threat.

Not a threat, was he insane? Was I? Esme stepped back, smiling.

I'm glad your back. I nodded my head,

"You look like Hell Eddie." I bristled at the nickname, and glared at Emmett for it. He just laughed… Dude you sooooo need to get laid! before I could remove any limbs, Jasper came down the stairs bringing a calming wave with him… odd, I hadn't noticed that he wasn't here before.

Huh… Alice was right. She usually is.

"About what?" I asked, he smirked.

"Did I say that out loud?" I rolled my eyes. No he hadn't. Rosalie paid no attention to me, so I paid no attention to her, as per usual.

"Go take a shower and get changed Edward, we have a few things to talk over." I raised a questioning eyebrow at Alice, Just go change. She rolled her eyes.

I walked into my room, surprised that Esme hadn't berated me more, I deserved it… but all of their thoughts were rather… occupied. Everyone busied themselves with their normal activities as they waited for me. I laughed when I saw that Alice had set out clothes for me, though I really shouldn't have, that was normal. The shower was quick as always, however the neat pile of clothes was missing a shirt. Alice never, never, forgot something like that. Vampire's didn't forget things. I was about to ask her, when I realized she and Jasper were having a… moment. So I, albeit suspiciously, entered my closet.

Within the haze, I didn't hear the door shut behind me, I didn't register the fact that I was on my knees, I didn't think about my family, or how they were all in on this. The only thing I saw in front of my closed eyes, were those caring brown eyes that had asked my sister,

"Will he be alright?"

I could have stopped breathing, but I didn't. I could have yelled, I could have screamed, I could have gotten angry, but I didn't. Because I didn't want to hurt her, not again. I suffered in what I assumed was silence, it might not have been, I honestly wasn't paying attention. I was just focusing on the memory of her eyes, her beautiful, brown, incredibly deep, expressive eyes.

The pain in my throat was slowly dwindling… not dwindling so much as I was getting used to it. I already knew that it wasn't as bad as it had been the first few times, and after a while I realized, I can do this, and I would. I don't know how long it had been but when I had enough presence of mind to know that I had at least partially re-acclimated to Bella's scent, I realized Esme was here, holding me. She was softly humming a lullaby that her mother had sung to her as a child, and she in turn had sung to the child in her womb and for the short time the boy was alive after he was born.

When her son died, Esme had felt life was no longer worth living… from what I had gathered, she had been singing that lullaby shortly before she jumped off a cliff to end her life, humming her song of peaceful rest all the way to heaven. But she didn't die. Even with all of the pain she experienced throughout her change, the lullaby played on repeat within her mind, until her very last heart beat.

She had thought the pain was her punishment for running from her abusive husband, she hadn't expected another chance at life… a chance at a truly everlasting love. Even knowing the pain of having every bone in her body crushed, even knowing the pain of the transformation, even knowing the constant burn in her throat, even knowing that she can no longer have children, if given the choice… she would have gone through it again, if it meant that she could keep Carlisle forever.

Now whenever she found herself wishing for a second chance at being human, she would hum the tune out loud, reminding herself of her love for Carlisle, and his love for her. It reminded her that it didn't matter if she had a second chance, because this is where she would undoubtedly end up, the same place with the same… people.

I never meant to pry, but whenever she hummed that song, Jasper had noted that she generally went from being regretful, to being happy by the end of her lullaby, I had wondered what it meant, and after analyzing her thoughts I understood. The thing was, right now, her thoughts did not match the ones she normally had during this process…

…The Pain experience to spend time with your love is more than worth it. Edward is so strong, I'm so very proud of him, for not running away from this. I hope Alice isn't pushing him too far, I pray she isn't pushing Bella too fast…

Having her sing that to me, knowing the significance of it to her, and hearing her thoughts along with the underlying need to meet Bella… it made me nervous. Having been held by my mother, unable to move, and unable to hear anyone… it made me feel vulnerable and weak… They were not altogether unfamiliar feelings, humans had them all the time and Jasper had a hell of a time in school with it, either amplifying it to play with them or trying to ignore it… but having them myself, that was new. Most of the feelings I'd been feeling lately were new, and most of them were because of Bella.

Not understanding… It was something that I didn't like, something that I wanted to disappear so that I didn't have to deal with it. I didn't want to be confused, I hated feeling like this! I opened my eyes and sat up suddenly, breaking away from Esme's embrace and startling her.

Oh Edward. I saw how I looked in her eyes. I had to pull it together. No human girl was going to pull me apart at the seams. I had no reason to succumb to my nature and kill the girl, I had no reason to be intrigued by a silent mind, I would prove both to myself… any conviction, and every thought that I had come home with were forgone as a new plan formed in my mind… I would talk to the girl… the girl, not Bella, and I would prove to myself that I could be stronger than the monster, and I would prove that the girl, though her thoughts were silent, were no more intriguing than any other girl in existence.

I had managed a 180, after I had the time to think about it, when I wasn't desperate, and alone. Same ending, different path, either way, Bel… the girl would not die. I shook my head breaking out of my reverie and looked at Esme who was eyeing me curiously.

I looked above her, avoiding eye contact when I saw woman's clothing hanging inside my closet. Before I could ask, Alice's thoughts explained,

Sorry Edward. Not everything I bought fit into Bella's closet, so since your closet had room, I just figured I'd kill two birds with one stone. I growled at her, and she laughed. She was going to pay!

Hey look on the bright side, all of your clothes smell like her now, so you'll never be away from it, you will desensitize quicker, and you'll always have a part of her with you. Before I could growl at her again, I realized that thought was somewhat satisfying.

Oh, and if your wondering why they smell like her… it's because I had her try it all on, even though she didn't need to with me there. I groaned at the torture the poor girl had gone through because of my sister. I hope Alice hadn't scared her off…

Though I should… shouldn't I?

"Edward, are you alright?" I looked at Esme and nodded my head,

"Yeah, I'm fine." I got up and went to grab a shirt from my hanging stockpile…

Three more to the right brother. Men… they have no sense of fashion… then again neither do some women. She laughed out loud as a picture of B… the girl flashed through her mind. If she had gone shopping on her own, it would not have ended well.

"Do I get to hear the joke, Darlin?"

"Just thinking that the world has one less badly dressed person walking around in it. It makes me happy."

You were so happy when you met me, and when we claimed each other… you were even happier. Then we found the Cullens… I didn't think anyone could be happier than you were then… I was wrong. When I meet Bella, I must thank her.

When… not if?

My shirt was buttoned up as Esme, who's mind had been surprisingly silent, gave one last appraising look,

I'm sorry we sent you in here without telling you, but Alice said you wouldn't react well, not that you've been reacting well to anything as of late. She smiled patiently at me, I grimaced. Alice sent Emmett and Rosalie for a quick hunt, when they get back we will have our family meeting. Until then, Carlisle is in his study.

I couldn't keep the cringe off of my face. I hadn't been avoiding him per say, but… it had been a long time since I had to rely on him for advice, for help, for anything really. I was his oldest, and was fairly self sustaining. Complete in myself in a family of three couples. We talked often, debated, discussed, reviewed, revised… sometimes we just talked. He was the closest thing I had to a father now, and above all, though Alice and I were certainly close, Carlisle was still my best friend. The man I could rely on, the one who would always understand… the thing was, I didn't know if he could understand if I didn't? If I couldn't articulate how I was feeling, how then was he to help me, how was I to go to him, uncertain and unsure of myself?

"Come in," he said, before I had the chance to knock on the door. I opened and closed the door behind me leaning against it as Carlisle looked out the massive window looking out into the trees and the river. His mind twirling with thoughts of me, how I had grown… from an adolescent teenager to a private old man. I chuckled.

"I'm not that bad… am I?" He turned to face me, his face patient and withholding a grimace as he showed me my actions… not just since the mall incident, but before that even. Holed up in my room, choosing to be alone until someone came and dragged me out. School forced me out, and sometimes I'd go for a drive, and a lot of times I'd go running when I couldn't stand my room anymore, but all of this was often done alone. I could not meet his gaze.

"Talk to me Edward." He was pleading with me, how long had it been since we had truly last talked?

"How long?"

"Three years." Had it really been that long since I had come to him to vent? I checked my own memories… Just over three years.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shut you out." And I hadn't… time just seemed to pass me by, as it all to often did.

"I know." I know, but you have to know that what you are dealing with, you do not have to face alone Edward, we are a family, and no matter what you seem to think sometimes, you do not stand on your own… What is it that troubles you son?

How could I look at him and tell him that I do not know? How do I tell him that I ran away because of uncertainty? I walked forward crossing the study to look out at the forest, counting the leaves on each tree, as I formulated what I was going to say…

"Edward?" Stop thinking about it, just say what you feel, start where your confusion begins.

So I let down my mental blockade, and let him in, as I should have done in the first place. Sometimes just venting thing out to Carlisle I would reach my own answer, sometimes all I needed was an ear, to listen to me, and a hand to guide me… that was Carlisle.

"… It's hard to tell the difference between who I am and what I am, sometimes. No time has that difference ever been more noticeable than when I saved that little girl in the parking lot. We were no where near her, we were upwind, I wouldn't have caught her scent, I have no reason why I should have gone after her, why I should have once again played judge and jury, I don't know why Alice had been having visions of her, I don't know anything when it comes to her… and then she just shows up and screws with my head again. It's like I don't matter, the only thing that matters is this girl who has made me ruin sixty years of denial, and I don't know why I let her… I won't let her do it again, I don't care, she means nothing, she is nothing, her silent mind is still silent, her blood still smells too sweet… but she won't ruin me again." I stated in finality.

"You blame her for your confusion then?" He asked, his mind full of nothing more than pure curiosity.

"Yes."

"Why?" The question echoed in his thoughts…

"Because she's confusing." my eyes narrowed what was he getting at?

"Are you sure its not your own reactions to her that is confusing you."

"No, why would you think that." My hesitation was slight but it was noticeable. He smiled.

Is it just her blood that you are pulled to? I began growling at his suggestion. Don't become defensive Edward, I am only trying to help.

"I don't know, that's the problem." I sighed angrily. She was an enigma that attracted my mind and my senses to her… I did know that, I didn't like it, I didn't want it, I didn't understand it, I didn't want to deal with it!

"Well," what do you plan on doing? Do you have a plan? Tomorrow will be…

"Tomorrow?"

"Yes, you were in your room all of Saturday."

"A Day?"

Yes, though you were only struggling with the scent for a few hours. I could not keep the confused look off of my features. With time, answers will come for you Edward, I'm sure.

"Now do you have some idea of how you are going to approach this?" Alice knocked at the door then. May I come in?

"Come in Alice." She smiled brightly at me, then turned to face Carlisle.

"Now to answer the question that Mr. Confused has been avoiding, he's going to talk to her to prove to himself that he can overcome his nature and that her mind is like every other human girls." I rolled my eyes at her as she nodded at herself as if pulling them from a memory, though only a soundless vision of the Girl and I talking in Biology was running through her mind. Carlisle grinned at her, almost like he was in on something that she knew about… but they had made no mental note of, or any attempt to hide anything… "And Rose and Emmett will be back soon, and everyone is alright with it, but just for grins let's have a family meeting anyway. I smiled and moved to ruffled her hair, but she ducked well before I reached her,

"Ah! No touching the hair!" Carlisle chuckled, as we heard the door slam downstairs and I saw Esme's mental cringe at Emmett's lack of care for our home.

"Honey, we're home!" I shook my head in amusement as Carlisle motioned for us to go down stairs.

And so the silent sufferer has emerged from his human scented hole in the wall. I glared at him to keep from laughing at his reference to my closet, it was a good thing Alice couldn't read minds or Emmett would have been burned a very long time ago. We all took our seats, everyone asking the same basic questions. What happened? and What are you going to do now?

"Edward," Carlisle sat, down with the rest of us, as I stood… a formality Carlisle liked to keep, the person whom things concerned stood as they spoke. It kept things from turning into a fight, it kept things civil.

"I know," Everyone smirked at that statement before I could get any further, "Right, anyway her scent mixed with not knowing what she was thinking or what she was going to do next didn't mix with each other well. I acted quite rudely to her and I wouldn't be half surprised if she wanted nothing to do with us," Alice coughed then raised her hand.

Let me smooth things over for you with Rosalie, with her on board, your actions won't cause a fight. I nodded to her the question clear on my face… what actions? I sat as Alice stood.

"I know," Once again with the smirking, only this time I was included and Alice was not, "I know that, you all don't quite understand why I want to be friends with her, or where the vision of her and I being friends came from. I don't entirely know either, all I know is that I've been having visions of her ever since shortly after she was born. I don't know what this means, all I know is that she will likely need us at some point, for what… it's still very fuzzy, the further time goes on, the clearer it gets, but at this point we should all try to not to make her mad at us, as she does know what we are,"

Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie all though of a meeting they had held as soon as Carlisle had gotten home on Tuesday after I had left… she had told them that she was well aware of what we are and that I had more difficulty with her blood than the rest of them. Alice had also assured them that the girl posed no threat, and that she had no intentions of revealing who we are. That still didn't sit well with Rosalie and Jasper, but if Alice was sure of her friendship, Jasper would not begrudge her that, particularly because of how happy she had been in the past week,

"That being said, Edward, you need to get back on her good side, don't fight as if you do, she might accidentally use the wrong words in her anger, tipping the other humans off to either our difference or her insanity, as the would see it. We don't want that to happen, agreed?" She looked at everyone, they all nodded, agreeing. She sat and Carlisle looked to me, to see if I had anything to add, I shook my head no, and he stood.

"Alright, Alice, be careful with Bella, remember that she doesn't have the advantage of foresight, and this is all still new to her." She nodded, "And Edward, smooth things over with her, show that you mean no ill will towards her." I nodded, knowing that it wasn't so much for her as it was for me, to prove that she was just another human. "Does anyone have anything else they would like to add?"

I hope this turns out all right.

The pain is worth it, it always is.

Alice is so happy.

I can't wait for school!

I wonder if this Bell would be up for some pranks?

Hmm… I need to repaint my nails.

They were normal thoughts for each of my family members, but everything felt… off. Everything was feeling, off, lately. Maybe it was just me?

"Alright, meeting adjourned." The sun was already setting, each pair already beginning to think of what would come in the night… we all stood, I was going to go to my room to listen to music,

"Edward, I know you've gorged, but find some small game tonight, it will make it easier, if only a little."

"Alright Alice." I left them to their nightly activities, and found a small deer to quench the burn that had been left by wearing clothes with the smell of Be… the girl, on them.

I almost hadn't registered it throughout talking to Carlisle, and the family meeting… and I had been in pain for only a few hours of the day I had spent drowned in… Bella's scent, it really wouldn't work as I talked to her, to call her, "the girl" I'd have to call her Bella, so why fight how my brain was thinking of her… by name?

I hadn't really been paying attention to where I had been running after the deer. Generally when that happened, I just ended up in my meadow, or back at the house… so you can imagine my surprise when I ended up on the edge of the Swan's lawn.

"What the hell are you doing Edward?" I whispered to myself. Vampires didn't do things like this absentmindedly. They had the equivalent of autopilot, but this is not where my "autopilot" lead to. So why was I here?

I was about to turn around, but something held me in place for a few extra seconds… enough to hear her,

"Alice, no more clothes!" I couldn't help the laugh that left my lips as relief washed over me… Relief caused by hearing her voice. I heard the rustling of sheets and a sigh, and then deep steady breathing. So she talked in her sleep then? That was worth further investigation, her voice came from the room right next to the tree, I could easily jump up and… What?

No it was not worth further investigation, she was sleeping, in her house! I couldn't just break and enter out a curiosity that shouldn't be there. Yes they were unfiltered thoughts that escaped her lips, but… they were not mine to hear. Her mind wasn't for me to hear so there was no point to me hearing her dream, no point to going into her room, no point to being so fascinated with her…

Is it just her blood that you are pulled to? Carlisle had asked me… No, the scent was just the cover of a good book, one you never wanted to put down, a story you never wanted to end…

"It's too green." I turned and I ran back home, and as I ran, I could have sworn I heard my name roll from her lips. If she had, it was probably a nightmare, and if it wasn't… it was probably just my imagination, just wishful thinking… hoping that she didn't hate me, hoping that the pulse that caused her pain would not appear again, hoping that the need to touch her would not overcome all of my sensibility, hoping that above all, the wall between me and reality would not fall, because if it did… questions would be pointless when the answer was right in front of me… and I doubted that the inevitable answer was something I could deal with…

I had seen this happen before, when the way you think begins to change; when your mind begins to ponder the interest in another. Carlisle and Rose had experienced, and to a degree, so had Esme and Emmett. I had been ignoring my own mind, but the others hadn't.

I know Esme knew something instinctually, and Alice knew something… she had seen something, something that she had confided in Carlisle and more than likely Jasper. They had told me nothing because it was a path that was walked by two, and two alone, to reach the final destination…

But Bella was human, that was something I could never take away from her. She would never understand it, she deserved so much more; so this obsession had to end here. I would do as my family asked, I'd talk to Bella. But I would not fall, I could not fall, not for her... anyone but her.

AH: Heehee… read and review,

Monday and… Tuesday (aka "The Van" day) are next ! No worries, it's in Bella's POV, I need a break from Edwards brain, you know?