Title: World Without End
Pen Name: BringMeYourLove
Sense: Sound/Hearing
Genre: Romance/Angst
Characters: Edward/Bella (Bella POV)
Oh my love,
help me open my heart again,
tear it open let the rain fall in,
wash this hardness underneath my skin.
Oh my love, I know that in the dark there's a fear of letting go. And this feels like I'm letting go. It's hard to trust, Well I'm stepping out. I'm letting go, I'm letting go
let me hear your voice come through.
I want to know the love inside of you.
Make this dark heart believe in what is true.
I know that in my heart that I fear what I don't know.
And this feels like I'm letting go.
I'm letting go.
when your hearts been broken times before.
You pull the curtains and you lock the doors,
swear you'll never go out anymore.
I can't see,
there is no sound.
A seeming void becomes a solid ground,
A sight I lost becomes a faith I've found.
I'll let it go
"Feels Like Letting Go" by Matthew Perryman Jones
"What the hell, Bella?" Edward's voice yelled from the hallway outside of the kitchen. The rumble from the storm outside made his voice pale in comparison.
"What the hell? What the hell, Edward? How am I supposed to accept the fact that you came home with lipstick on your collar after a late night at the office!" I screeched back as I slammed the drawer, not finding what I was looking for in the disorganized mess. I ran my hand through my hair as the rain pelted the window, fighting to beat my face. I listened to my lungs inhaling and exhaling, hoping that, combined with the steady primitive tempo outside.
How could he just continue to lie to me? I saw the shirt; I saw the lip print. Who wouldn't want to have Rosalie's legs wrapped around them during some post work cram session? I slammed a few more drawers, becoming more and more frustrated as I realized what was happening. The man I love had sex with his gorgeous, model coworker.
"Bella," Edward's voice tried to soothe me as it floated from the doorway. I kept my back to him, knowing full well that if his voice made me quiver like this, abandon all convictions, that just looking at him would break my heart. "What are you so upset about? I told you that I didn't do anything! I didn't even wear that shirt, I just wore my undershirt while we worked. Rosalie smeared her lipstick on it when we ran out of napkins! I can't go over this again!" His voice was laced with contempt as he threw his hands up and leaned against the wall, pinching the bridge of his nose. The storm outside seemed to echo our shouts as the thunder rolled in, accentuating all of our words that hit home.
"Can you just, for one second, realize how ridiculous that sounds?" I finally turned to him, allowing the anger to swell around me in a flat, towering concerto. "I mean, fuck, who wouldn't want to be with Rosalie?"
"Me!" He screamed, "I don't want her! I love you! I'm sick of having to prove that to you every day! Its not like I'm freaking out when you have your best friend Jake over and I find you two all cozy on the couch, is it?" He started to circle me as I kept away from him. We danced to the music between us and the mixed tape blaring outside through the forest. I turned to reach into the cabinet to get the dishes so I could finish setting the table for dinner. The simplicity of going about a mundane activity kept me from running out the door right then and there.
"I grew up with Jacob, you know that! I never loved him you idiot!" The plates came down with more force than I thought they would, clambering noisily against the counter top. It echoed in the house as Edward and I seethed in our separate corners.
"Well someone should cue him into that fact because he worships the ground you walk on." Edward's voice was noticeably more quiet when compared to the noise from the slamming I was doing around the kitchen.
"To hell he does! Rosalie practically throws herself at you every day, and you're comparing my best friend to that, that, that home-wrecker!" I was seeing red at this point. Jacob was the only family I had left. Charlie was gone, Renee was across the country. Not like she ever really took an interest anyway. Jacob was all I had besides Edward and the rest of his family.
"I can't compare to him," he whispered, running his hand along his neck and rubbing at the back of his head awkwardly.
"So you just go after Rosalie, to prove a point to me?" I gaped like a grounded fish. "Because its coming through loud and clear, Edward."
"You're so wrong! I've never touched her! I've certainly never had sex with her," he finally narrowed his eyes and yelled back, matching my decibel level and that of the storm outside that rocked the house, soliciting more groans and cries from the floorboards. I don't know what happened, but in that moment, we became people I didn't recognize. The first plate exploded against the wall, about a foot away from Edward.
"How dare you!" I screamed, throwing another plate on the floor, causing shards to go flying in all directions as the weather boomed along with my anger. Edward jumped to the side, avoiding any direct contact with the shrapnel that was making its way around the house. "How dare you bring that up! I didn't even know you then! It was one time with him, and you fucking now it!" I screeched, throwing whatever I could get my hands on and banging cabinets in my anger-fueled wake.
"I don't know it!" he accused, slamming doors behind him as we carried our verbal match into the living room. "How am I supposed to feel when you two are together? He's your everything, and I'm just the boyfriend who is trying to love you, even when you call yourself damaged goods! How am I supposed to feel when you run to him with all of your 'dark' and 'sad' problems?" The lights in the room flickered as the storm raged outside, imitating our sparring match.
"How am I supposed to feel when you have lipstick on your collar? How am I supposed to trust you to tell you things?" I countered, already hating where the conversation was going. I can't believe he was bringing that up! He knew when he met me that I had issues; I was dark and twisty, but that just come with the territory of growing up with an alcoholic father and deadbeat mother. I had every right to be dark and fucking twisty. Edward, on the other hand, didn't have a dark or twisted bone in his body. He didn't get it.
"I guess we have more questions than answers, huh?" he muttered sarcastically, glaring out the window into the evil symphony that provided the soundtrack to our downfall.
"I only have one question," I countered, "Did you fuck her?" Edward laughed. It wasn't the laugh that I loved. No, this one was slow, almost sardonic and taunting.
"No, Bella, I didn't," he stated, no longer pleading with me to believe him. "Are you ever going to give him up?" I paused, feeling every fiber of my body become charged and then empty again. The dull thud of my pulse created a distorted cacophony with the billowing torrents of rain that pounded the frail house. The noise echoed in my mind, distorting every coherent thought I wanted to complete. Edward looked at me, eagerly almost. Tears were straining my vision as I stood, backed against he front door. Edward's form was silhouetted against the light from the kitchen.
"There's nothing to give up, he's a friend," I spit back, sick of Edward's accusations. I didn't have lipstick on my collar.
"Friend my ass!" Edward said, straining to keep his voice steady and below a yell.
"I can't do this," I muttered, slipping on my shoes and wrenching open the squeaky front door.
"You can never do this! I run after you all the fucking time! Why can't I rescue you?" Edward yelled after me. The howling wind and moaning rain met me face first as I barreled towards my truck in the driveway. The rain and tears made it increasingly hard for me to get my key in the door, but I fought through. Edward's yelling from the front porch was muffled by the summer storm. The wind threw the open gate against the railing, forcing a manufactured clap to coincide with the natural cadence of the thunder.
"I don't need rescued. I got the message Edward," I fumbled with my keys, "I'm damaged beyond repair, I have a best friend who you claim I'm clearly in love with, even though you own my heart, and then, the fucking cherry on top, the man I love fucks a model. Now, said man who I'm in love with wants in on my dark twisted little world in which I can barely function most days for myself because right about now, I don't even know which way is up. Let's just throw in for fun my obvious daddy issues, a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, a mother who probably doesn't care if I lived or died tomorrow, the fact that the dirt over my father's grave isn't even cold yet, and the ringer, as if I didn't sound like enough of a catch, I lack any trust to stay in a committed relationship to the first person in my life that all I want to do is trust him!" The last few items on my list came out as a whisper in the escalating storm and climate.
"Bella, no. Let's talk!" I heard him shout from the front porch. My engine revving to life smothered anymore words he tried to rope me in with. I caught a glimpse of his form, standing ankle deep in the puddles forming in the front yard as he tried to stop me. I gunned my truck as fast as it could go, feeling incredibly guilty and the wheezing and puffing that was coming from under the hood. After a few blocks though, I was able to slow down, secure in the fact that he wasn't following me.
He wasn't following me.
As the rain beat against the window as the wipers squealed in protest, sloshing rain in every direction. I made loops around town for hours, trying my damnedest not to think about anything, especially the fact that Edward might not be waiting at home for me.
I was fucked up.
It was almost like a fact that everyone should know by now, especially Edward. I tried to include him, but how could I reveal how truly messed up I was, when all I wanted was for him to be happy? When I was with him, I was happy. I had baggage, but with him, it didn't seem as overwhelming. The hours ticked by as song after terrible eighties song preached through my stereo. The peaceful rain slowed to nothing as the skies cleared. By the time I gathered enough courage to see if Edward was still at home, the sky left no clue that it was once a turbulent wrecking force. I killed the blaring speakers as I pulled into the driveway next to Edward's car.
I needed quiet.
The room was still dark, and the only noises I could hear were the creaks and groans of the old house and Edward's steady breathing. He was still here, sleeping peacefully on the most uncomfortable couch in the world. In the pale moonlight I saw him again. It was like rediscovering your favorite book, or finally finding an old picture of a memory that had long since been filled away. Hell, it was even so much better than remembering a sweet dream well into the afternoon of the next day. But this wasn't a dream, and Edward was real; I could touch him, I could hear him breathing, I smelled his musky scent, strong and much like the forest around the house. I was an absolute idiot for giving this up. Nothing in the world felt right until I was in his arms. I pulled the blanket up a little higher on him, smiling to myself as he sighed contently and continued to sleep, a child-like peacefulness washed across his face. I ran my hand along his hair, pushing it off of his face. He mewed in contentment, almost as if a few hours prior we hadn't been throwing dishes and slamming doors.
Slowly, I snuck out the back door and sat on the old bench on the porch. The evening summer storm had long since passed, and now, in the waning night, I could see the stars I craved so much. A half-moon sat above the mountains in the distance, and save for the rustle of tree branches, there was no noises. A million thoughts ran through my head as I tried to comprehend the situation I was now thrust into. Like waves crashing on the shore in an unending thundering bellow, my thoughts created a white noise in my mind.
I shook my head to try to make the thoughts disappear, but ever second I was bombarded with more and more questions. They crashed against the corners of my mind like the plates earlier, each echoing dangerously and continuing to play a dastardly melody. Here I was, standing in the middle of a giant crossroads that spread out in a million different directions in front of me, and I honestly had no idea which one I should choose. I was alone, sitting on the edge of the precipice of my life, teetering on the edge. I could go quietly into the night, or I could fight. The only problem being, I have no idea what the fuck I want anymore. Edward ruined that the moment he stepped into my life. Hell, he ruined that the moment we locked eyes.
Edward. I love him. I felt my chest hurt slightly under the pressure that was building at the admission I had been running from for the past few months. That would be unfair to everyone, mostly Edward. How can I figure out what I want from Edward, for us in a relationship, if I don't even know what I want from my own life, from myself? The realization screamed at me.
I have no idea who I am.
I watched the sky become grey, and the trees become daunting silhouettes against the brightening sky. The birds began to sing their sweet songs as the wind whipped branches and leaves in accompanying harmonies like my own private symphony. I watched as thinly stretched clouds became illuminated pink and purple against a pale golden pink background. The mountains stifled the full force of the sun as it hid from bringing another day just yet. The crack of the rays echoed against the billowing walls that were forming.
I just need a sign, something, anything to show me which path I should take.
The forest continued on in its normal way, never hearing my silent plea. The wind continued to breathe slightly as clouds marched across the sky, stifling the sun that was begging to break through. Dark clouds hid the golden sunrise as they sailed over the high mountains like the sun couldn't manage to do. The trumpeting of the arriving hordes of storm rumbled from behind the mountain, where I knew the ocean was smashing against the shore, beating along to the approaching battle cry.
Please, give me something, I just need to know what I should do. Is it too much to ask for a poke in the right direction?
Tears silently streamed down my cheeks as every ounce of me begged for anything to fix me, for there to be one clear moment in which I could decide what I really wanted. Tears ran to my knees as I buried my face in them and hugged them closer to my chest. Thunder clattered against the forest walls as the birds seized their sweet songs and the wind flushed amongst the branches as they played their song louder now. Lightning illuminated the clouds in time with the thunder, until suddenly all was silent again. The silence was as deafening in contrast to the claps that had broken the sky not a minute earlier. I looked around, searching for something, but everything was still. There was no more whistling of the gust through the branches, no more singing chirps, no more clambering shutters or unhooked gates. It was is if I was suddenly stuck in time, everything else around me was frozen, and I was stuck, forever stuck. The record had run out and the needle was circling the empty notes of the ended music. It was the quiet pause of a perfect vinyl being flipped over and waiting for the B side to start.
Then, tiny drums started to play around me, in beat with the beating in my head and chest. The beats built into an overwhelming crescendo as the rain ran through the woods up to my porch. A clean smell filled the air as leaves dipped and ducked under heavy raindrops. Rain smeared the landscape in front of me, until the colors of the forest ran together in a blur of greens and browns.
"I thought you ran away," a familiar voice oozed from the doorway as I nearly jumped out of my skin. I looked over at Edward, leaning against the doorjamb, in all of his grinning glory. I felt my heart sink and melt all at once; it started to dance along with primal beats that surrounded us.
"Thought about it," I muttered as I sat my head back down and watched the rain slow and the forest come back into focus. The drums slowed to a quit tapping noice. I heard Edward laugh slightly as he walked over to the bench and sat down next to me. A small creak seemed out of place amongst the calm, low hum of the percussion. He didn't try to put his arm around me, or sit too close, which I appreciated more than any other act he could have done. Instead, he mimicked me and pulled his legs up and rested his chin on his knees. I looked out of the corner of my eye to see a far off look in his eyes, as if he was thinking about everything that had just bombarded my mind. The dull, unwavering throb of the world continued around us as Edward's twinkling laughter floated about and drifted into the harmony. Our breathing became a constant base for the accompanying music.
"I don't know what to say," he whispered, almost to himself, as his shoulders relaxed. The thunder burst louder, reverberating in my chest as if it was getting closer to us, and the rain picked up once again. It collected in stray puddles around the yard, and I heard it whooshing out of the gutter, and clinking against the windows.
"Me neither," I admitted to the world. Lightning streaked across the dark clouds and lit up others, as if pulsating to the music of the wind and rain. We sat in silence as the storm raged around us, neither wanting to say the wrong things, and both afraid of saying what we both wanted to confess. Our silence just magnified the record that was playing for us in the trees.
"I want to fix this because I never stopped loving you, and I can't stop loving you. There is no one else," Edward finally said, forcing each measured word out slowly, as if confessing his deepest sin to the priest. I heard each word dripping with passion.
"I want to fix this too," I finally managed to utter. Edward turned his head to look at me, leaning his cheek on his knees now. I turned also as lightning again lit up the day and illuminated his features. His eyes were burning and diving deep within me, trying to see what I was thinking about, screaming for me to listen to every word he couldn't say. I gazed into those beautiful green gems, seeing down to his soul once again. "But we have a lot to figure out," I whispered as I turned back to the symphony before my porch. As if on cue, thunder emphasized my words and echoed in the silent woods. The wind picked up as a gust burst forth, throwing leaves and branches around and howling through every crevice. The leaves and branches hissed about angrily, as if scolding me for my words.
"You're right," he answered as he let his knees drop and his feet hit the floor with a resounding thump. I closed my eyes at the thud it made and tried not to cry, holding back sobs and stifling the tears I wanted to let lose. I couldn't cry now, I wouldn't do that in front of him. The rain came forth, as if everything before had been a prelude to the downpour that was ensuing now. Between my tears and the rain, the forest was gone, smudged into oblivion. The only reason I knew it was still there was from the melody that seemed to accompany the steady trickle of water. The day was almost as dark as the night once again. I tried to steady my breathing as Edward shifted and turned his body towards mine. "But I love you." He ran his hand against my cheek as I held my breath once again, letting everything else breathe for me.
"Edward, last night, I don't know what came over me," I let my gaze drop to the floor as I studied the cracks, trying to avoid the burning that was rising in every extremity of my body as I lied to him. Thunder cracked in a beautiful solo as the storm was at its most violent, destroying every piece of silence.
"I'm not giving up," he whispered as he leaned closer to me, finally wrapping his arms around me. I felt my heart beating faster, as the tempo of the rain increased and the thunder rumbled, continually receding into nothing more than a low growl. He lifted my cheek, and I was forced to stare back into those eyes. He searched my face more, as if trying to tell me how much he loved me with just one look. Slowly, his lips moved closer to mine. The thunder was louder how, trumpeting in my ears, and lightning flashed repeatedly as the rain turned into a monsoon, almost beating the thunder in volume. If my heart hadn't been beating against my rib cage, rattling my bones, I wouldn't have noticed how well it accompanied the song. My breathing stopped as I felt his warm breath on my lips. His soft lips brushed mine as his thumb traced along my cheek and his hand cupped my face. The thunder cracked at its loudest for an instant, and then stopped as silence strangled it. The only sound left was the rain. I couldn't fight it anymore. His lips danced with mine once again. All too soon, he pulled away and gazed at me intently.
"I won't leave you," he whispered as he stood up. "But we're really going to have to go buy some new dishes." His chuckle unnerved me in the worst kind of way. His laugh was the calm after the storm.
Edward's armed around me proved that everything was going to be alright. The rain slowed to nothing more than a drizzle as the worst of the storm passed over. I watched as the day lightened as the sun poked through the trailing clouds every now and then. I finally found a way to move again after a few minutes, and thought it best to start my day. I stood and walked to the railing, gazing out as far as I could into the forest. A familiar song started again, reassuringly as the leaves were accompanied by the melodies of the birds and light rain drops. The low whistle of the wind as it danced among the branches flooded the air as the world started to stir again.
I felt a smile fade across my face as I gazed up over the mountains, finding a sliver of a rainbow forming.