The Incident
Author: Chaos Valkyrie
First Conceptualized: January 2009
Posted One Shot: July 23, 2009

Disclaimer: I do not own The Cat Returns. I do, however, belong to three felines who inspired this fic, given their obsession with the cat toy mentioned herein. This fic is dedicated to them – Michael, Izzy, and Jack.

Author's Note: This is crack. This has nothing to do with my other CR stories, however sorely I am tempted.

The Incident…

…Which Will Never Be Spoken of Again.

…Ever.

It was a warm summer day when Baron awoke to the sound of raucous laughter and slightly hysterical giggling. Outside the Bureau a glorious sunset was fading into a beautifully clear, star-speckled night, and he recognized the giggle as belonging to Haru, a former client and perhaps his favorite human acquaintance. He smiled, adjusting his hat as he reached for the door.

Had he known what would ensue once he set foot outside, he would've turned back around and turned back into a statue.

Under his desk.

For the next week or so.

Yes, another glorious sunset was fading beyond the completely oblivious trio occupying the courtyard. Baron's brow furrowed as they even ignored his light show. What on earth was going on?...

Shiny.

Baron blinked, tearing his eyes away from that…

'Earth to Baron. Pull yourself together…'

He shook his head rather violently as the red… shiny… disappeared under Muta. Or landed on top of Muta, he wasn't sure how…

Oh so shiny…

Toto seemed about to die from laughter. And Haru wasn't much better, judging by the gasping breaths as she waved her hand about.

"Hey Baron! See what we brought for… Muta…" she trailed off, noticing how fixed Baron's gaze was upon the innocent red dot racing across the ground.

Muta remained oblivious, too focused on stalking his prey to even reprimand the Bird-Brain.

Toto, by this point, had also noticed someone's fixation. Haru flicked her wrist in a tight circle, giggling uncontrollably as Muta chased the red dot about, only to stagger dizzily away a few moments later.

Baron's eyes never moved away from the shiny red prey.

Toto flew up to Haru's shoulder, a wing covering his beak as he whispered in her ear. Haru smirked, and the red dot flung itself across the courtyard, stopping expectantly at Baron's feet.

Baron twitched.

The dot spun in a small circle, then paused.

Baron twitched again.

'Must… retain… dignity! Are you a man or a cat?!'

'…Well, actually…'

The dot bounced again. Muta, by this point, had recovered his balance and hovered nearby, waiting for Baron to react. It is an unspoken rule of feline etiquette that one cat – no matter how sorely tempted – will not invade the personal territory of another cat being tempted by a laser pointer. Therefore, Muta was impatiently waiting for Baron to either step back from the shiny… or pounce himself.

Baron was too involved in his inner struggle to notice.

'Must not lose composure. Must not lose… shiny. Oh so shiny.'

Baron blinked, realizing that he had moved a half step forward towards the light without even realizing it. Damn it.

"Haru," Baron started, visibly struggling for words. She also noticed, as she ignored Toto's laughter from the ground at her feet, that Baron's eyes had not left the flashing light, and that his hands were gripping his cane awfully tightly.

"What is this," he finished in a rush, trying not to lose himself to the twisting light.

"A laser pointer," she replied, ghosting the light back and forth before him. It was entirely evil of her, and she supposed she should feel guilty…

But she didn't. Not really. This was way too much fun.

"Laser… pointer…" he echoed, and she could've sworn she heard a faint, "Shiny," fall from his lips. Muta's tail jerked back and forth rapidly as he followed the light's every move.

The cane crashed down in one fell swoop, a harsh bang shooting across the courtyard as it splintered into multiple pieces. Haru was so startled she released the tiny button, and the light disappeared, leaving behind a very stunned Haru, a startled Toto, and a dazed Baron.

"What…" he whispered, looking around for the light hazily before mortification set in. He dropped the now-useless handle, turned around and marched resolutely back into the Bureau, firmly shutting the doors and heading straight for his desk…

Haru and Toto looked at one another, unsure of what just happened.

Muta remained oblivious, his body quivering as he waited for the shiny to reappear.

The Bureau reopened for business one week later. By that point, Muta had lost approximately ten pounds, and Haru had received a formal letter forbidding her to even set foot within the Refuge if she had the "Shiny" in tow.

She bought Baron a new cane to make up for his loss of composure. He thanked her politely, and then hid under his desk – again – at the reminder.

And Muta was given the unanticipated bonus of Toto being unable to speak for a week, his throat too hoarse from all the entertainment.

End Notes: This plunny has been bugging me for awhile, but I couldn't write it when it first hit, due to the power-outages we had back in January, when this was conceived. Oh well, better late than never! I hope to get several more TCR stories out by the end of the year, so keep your eyes open!