Another story from ShonenYaoi! I've been thinking about this story for a while, but just recently got down to putting it in notes. So, now since my self-proclaimed 'vacation' is over, I'ma start typing again, hope you guys didn't miss me too much! Just kidding!

Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto, all characters associated with Naruto belong to Masashi Kishimoto! The story line is mine, but our blond uke, sadly, isn't mine.

Rating M: For cursing, violence, suggestive themes, and lemons in later chapters.

Pairings: SasuNaru, NejiNaru, ItaNaru, ( a lot of one-sided pairings a long the way as well.)

Summary: Naruto is a down on his luck comedian who just got his big break, but when he accidentally winds up at a brothel, and is bought for two million yen by the biggest yakuza, Uchiha Sasuke, he may be in for more than just a joke or two!

Contains boyXboy! If you don't like, then don't continue to read on or my yaoi imprinted words will rape your corneas!

Chapter one: Is this microphone on?

Is This Microphone On?

A cold breath formed into a small cloud and quickly vanished as the small blond huddled into himself to keep from freezing to death in the near freezing temperatures. His golden spikes nearly icicles at the ends and his tan cheeks, scarred with three thin lines, red and rosy looking from the cold wind nipping at them. He rubbed his exposed and red hands over his thinly layered arms in an attempt to create a bit of friction, thus resulting in warmth.

Gosh dammit, where is that bastard! Che, Kakashi…so like you to leave me here, basically a human popsicle, while you take your sweet time getting your ass over here. Heh, if he were any slower he would be inanimate…hehe…Augh, that was a horrible joke…

Hatake Kakashi was his manager. That's right, a man that was late enough you'd assume he was pregnant, was his manager. He, as in Uzuamki Naruto, was an up and coming comedian; or so he presumed. The fact that most of his jokes were over zealous and that he told them like he was a horrible voice actor for anime, didn't really make him much of a big hit with the crowds, but today was his big break. This was the day that his manager, Kakashi, would meet him at the location of his biggest gig yet and prep him to make sure he was ready. Naruto always seemed to get last minute jitters, and the fact that that man could easily do away with them really made him an excellent asset to the blond.

If only that guy could find his way here…

He had been waiting outside of the theatre for more than an hour. Glancing at his watch, the blond looked back up and bounced slightly on the balls of his feet with an anxious feeling churning in his stomach.

Firstly, there was no way for Kakashi to contact him unless it was on a payphone, because if you're down on your luck, the best thing to do is survive off of tic-tacs and not spend ridiculous money on a small telephone when a payphone is just a bit away and cost only fifty cents.

Secondly, being dressed in only a small fleece jacket and torn jeans doesn't exactly mean that you're 'warm'; Naruto has read before that hypothermia does kill, but only at an increasingly 'high' rate.

Lastly, the people are starting to pour in, and the looks that some of them are giving him are ones that could be mistaken for 'cannibalistic', and damn are they dressed in nice clothes and some even with a body guard or two.

Naruto took a step foreword, then backwards, and moved forward once again to get a better view of the road ahead, just hoping to see a silver buggy chugging it's way up the sidewalk. Yes, Kakashi was a terrible driver. Its hard to drive with only one eye while the other is being covered by a head-band with 'concentration!' written boldly and proudly across the grey material that seemed to match the man's spiky and gravity defying hair to a 'T'.

The blond felt an achingly painful stare on the side of his face, and couldn't help but turn his body in the direction of the stare. His head, soon following after his body, to knit his eyebrows together in disgruntlement.

The man's eyes seem to widen in an almost mock of surprise, but the way his features quickly changed to stoic it appeared real in a comical sense. The male was pale and the fluorescent light seemed to favor the color of his skin making it almost glow, while his raven locks seemed to contrast his skin tone, yet at the same time complementing it immensely. His eyes darker than coal and stern looking. He was, to be quite frank, immensely handsome, he must be the biggest heartthrob in Japan. He had a face that could match a Greek statue of a God. His hakama dark, matching his eyes and making his skin seem cold to touch, like he were some kind of ghost.

A sneer appeared on the pale face, causing the comedian's blood to boil. Naruto could care less about biting his tongue with someone he just met. If meeting someone new means staring the skin off of someone's face then looking at them like last months dinner, then to hell with being nice!

"What you lookin' at with all that ugly on your face?!" Naruto jeered at the taller man who seemed to be taken aback by his rude remark. Two people appeared from behind the unfamiliar man and cracked their knuckles distastefully at the blond.

Uh-oh. The blond thought as he ran inside and flung himself to the first door he saw, which took him back stage where it seemed like all the acts after him where prepping up. Naruto's eyes grew wide with perplexity. Was this how people got ready for their acts? He sure hoped not. Some where getting their nipples rubbed with Vaseline, while others where casually fixing a kitten collar around their necks.

A blush tinted the tan face as a girl took off her top and exposed herself before sitting on a wooden square. Wonder what the hell she's doing…hope it has nothing to do with ping-pong balls…

Naruto looked at his watch, a little pissed that it was five minutes before his act and his manager still had as of yet to make an appearance. The blond walked up to a man dressed in a butler like tuxedo. He had a microphone in his hand and was waiting by an area that lead out to the main stage and was only kept from the publics' view by a red curtain. It was Naruto's guess that he was the host of this comedy theatre.

As soon as Naruto closed in on the man, he walked out onto the stage and bowed at everyone before pointing a finger at the blond; making a jester for the comedian to come towards him.

Welp, guess it's show time!

Naruto did a last few minute quirks and made his way out onto the stage in a slight jog, waving at everyone with a goofy grin on his face exposing white and naturally straight teeth.

Looking at the taller male, and snickering at his thin awkward mustache; Naruto took the microphone out of the older man's hand. The man tugged on his sleeve a couple of times before taking a step back and cupping his hands behind his back.

"Hey! What's up Tokyo!" Naruto yelled out to a very unresponsive crowd. A few of them looked at him in confusion while others simply tapped lightly at the arm rest of their seats.

"What? Y'all scared? C'mon I'm five foot four, can't be that cynical looking to you big guys." The blond took a chance to skim the audience with his sapphire eyes and realized that it was all males except for one, but she looked like Carrot Top, and does that honestly count as a woman?

"Um, anyways…Let's carry on," Moving across the stage with his head down, he stopped when he got to the edge and looked over at an open section that only occupied two males and one of them being a male with white hair and purple eyes. The other male was that raven bastard from earlier gazing at him with animalistic eyes, like he was getting ready for an attack. To Naruto, that meant tomatoes being thrown in his direction, "Well, I'm Uzumaki Naruto born in Sapporo, and I personally believe that Cher is Bigfoot."

A slight snicker caught Naruto's attention, and his eyes beamed, resulting in a face splitting smile. " Hey! See? That guy knows what I'm talking about!" He hollered, pointing a tan finger out at the crowd at any given person. "Well, I only believe that beca-"

"Five thousand." The blue eyes snapped over to an older looking gentleman who held up a card with a number unreadable to him at Naruto's distance.

"Um, odd, but okay. If you guys want to talk about numbers then, I'll tell you a story. So I was like 'It's over Nine-thousand!' And I totally broke my sc-"

"Seven-thousand." A raspy voice called out, making the already confused blond unsure of what to say next.

"Seems like a step backwards, but alright…" Feeling a bit hot, Naruto unzipped his jacket and disposed of the orange fleece on the side of the stage, revealing a tight blue short sleeved shirt that showed off his thin frame.

"Twenty-thousand." Another random voice hollered

"Thirty-thousand" The raspy voice once again bellowed.

"Fifty-thousand." A different male called out.

"Damn, what is up with you guys and numbers? Do you see an A.T.M. machine around here?" Asked Naruto, who felt like he was talking to himself more than the hundreds of people seated in the theatre.

"One hundred thousand." Called a deep silky voice from the only part of the theatre that was seemingly not crowded. Head by head, they turned in the direction of the voice, and all eyes that looked were met with a stoic face that held up a white card with the simple number '9' printed in black in the middle.

The crowd was silent for a moment before an older male, the same one with the raspy voice called out, "One hundred-fifty thousand!"

A couple of gasp erupted from the audience, and the blond on stage took a chance to look at the owner of the hoarse voice. He was rather old, had a prominent mole on the right side of his nose, and a jagged scar running down his right cheek. A sweat visibly ran down from the old man's forehead and gathered into a drop at the edge of his jaw line.

"Five hundred thousand." The deep voice coolly called.

"O-one million!" Called out the male with the mole with much panic in his voice.

Naruto blinked at the crowd; sure as hell that this wasn't his day and that all beings visible, invisible, tangible, and intangible hated him. His audience apparently had a bad case of Tourettes and A.D.D. When his eyes trailed up to the empty section that occupied that pale man, he noticed that white haired boy was gone.

Blue eyes skimmed the theatre only to find the purple eyed male with his hand on the shoulder of the older gentleman that bore the jagged scar on his cheek. The older male looked terrified as he stood up and was practically dragged along by the young white haired man.

"Two million." The raven in the back declared for the last time, not even bothering to hold up his card. His eyes followed the old man and his companion as they made their way out before snapping his glare back at the blond on the stage, who flinched noticeably before turning away from the heated stare.

"Is this microphone on? Testing one-two-three." Naruto's voice died out as the microphone was snatched from his possession and back into the butler looking male's hand.

"Going once, Going twice…," There was a silent pause in the theatre. "Sold! Sold to Mr. Uchiha Sasuke! Please come to the back to claim your prize and write your check!" Naruto suddenly felt himself being pushed to the side of the stage, and looked out at the crowd and realized no one was clapping.

Aw crap, this gig was a bust. Not even a single clap, let alone the standing ovation I was hoping for.

The blond wound up following the old man because he had no idea where he was suppose to go.

This was probably the worst gig of his life. He's been booed off of stages, things thrown at him, but never has he had such an unresponsive crowd that only wished to shout numbers at him. Naruto groaned in displeasure as he looked up at the ceiling, cursing his inability to make a crowd amused. His attention was finally caught when he felt something clamp around his neck.

"What the hell is this!?" Screamed Naruto, as he clawed at the leather material.

Ting-a-ling.

"Oh hell no! Uzumaki Naruto isn't into entertaining people this way!" He tore the collar off of his neck and tossed it to the floor, resulting in more noise from the bell that was on the choker.

"Put it on." A twitch came to the blue eyes, as he wiped his body around to come face to face with the pale man from earlier.

"Heh, my ass! You put it on! What the hell do I look like?!" Naruto yelled as he bent his arms and clenched his fist in anger.

"That's a stupid question," A slight frown imprinted itself on the pale lips, "Mine, of course."

"What? Is suppose to be some kind of pick-up line?! This is not Burger King, you can't have it your way. 'Sides I'm a male, go get yourself an ape, or someone of your own species." Naruto was just about to walk away when a strong hand planted itself on his shoulder and pulled him back. Blue eyes widen as he twisted his head to meet with very unpleasant ebony eyes and a deep scowl.

"Either you come with me, or I'll simply kill you." Stopping dead in his tracks, Naruto was quick to switch his walking direction with that kind of motivation.

"Well, I don't mind coming with you for a couple of minutes. Maybe for some tea?" He followed the taller male out from behind the back stage area, and before the Uchiha left with the blond he tossed the check at the butler who flailed his arms to grab the paper.

Once they got outside, Naruto looked around for the silver buggy, but to his dismay didn't see anything silver anywhere. It was just a bunch of black cars that varied in length. A long black car stopped in front of him, and Sasuke looked at the door before looking back at the young blond male.

"What?"

"Open the door."

"See here, I'm not going to be doi-"

"Sorry to keep you waiting boss." Both heads snapped to the white haired male making their way over to the car in a brisk jog. When he got to the car, that's when Naruto noticed the shark like teeth protruding out from between the lips. The purple eyed man opened the door and stood to the side as the Uchiha indolently stepped in. Naruto looked inside the car than back up at the male dressed in a purple shirt with buckles around his abdomen.

"Well? Before you." The shark like male said calmly, taking the time to smile at the blond, once again revealing sharpened teeth.

"Wait, I'm not going in there unless I know where I'm going!" Exclaimed the blond, as he stomped his foot and crossed his arms in the cold weather.

"Get in or I'll kill you." The two males heard an impatient voice call from inside of the car.

"Well, it is getting kind of chilly…" The small male laughed nervously as he stepped inside of the automobile and took the opposite row of seats from the Uchiha. After the white haired male joined them, they slowly began driving off.

"Suigetsu," The shark-like boy looked over at the Uchiha and titled his head in acknowledgment, " You have something on your cheek."

Suigetsu reached up with two fingers and felt around on his pale cheek before coming across a liquid on his face. Glancing at his fingers, a smirk came across his face as he wiped the red substance on the brown leather belt that was clinging onto his white pants.

"My bad boss, didn't mean to bring that with me." He apologized as he took his fingers and wiped the rest of the blood off his face.

"Ok, question," Naruto said, raising his hand like a school child, "Why are you calling this jerk 'Boss'? And why do you keep threatening to kill me? What are you some kind of yakuza?!" Adding a heartfelt laughter, the blond slapped at his knee and held his side with his other hand.

"You're kidding, right? You're just saying that because you hate to breathe, or are you just really stupid?" Asked Suigetsu, whose eyes were wide with disbelief. Meanwhile, a threatening smirk was on the pale face of the Uchiha. The laughter coming from the blond stopped, and a worried looked quickly replaced the happy expression he just had.

"Well, no, er…Explain this to me…" Naruto asked, hopelessly confused.

"This," Pointing at the raven next to him, Suigetsu grinned, "Is Uchiha Sasuke, the biggest souban in Japan. I don't think that after that last sentence that I honestly need to point out that if he says he'll kill you, that he'll do it. I believe that boss's humor here is quite cruel. He often mistakes violence for laughter."

"So…What's a yakuza dude doing in a comedy club?" Sasuke and Suigetsu looked at each other, both of them arching delicate eyebrows in a puzzled manner.

"Um, kid, that wasn't a comedy club," Naruto's head cocked to the side in slight bewilderment as his eyes narrowed into tiny slits at the shark like male, "That was a brothel…"

"A whaaat!?" Shrieked the blond as his jaw dropped down to his ankles, his eyes as big as saucers, and his hands gripping at his face in horror.

"I bought you regardless of whether you where there to prostitute or do some comedy act."

"Oh no no no…I'm a comedian, not some gangster's play thing." Naruto said, waging his finger at the yakuza leader, whilst still attempting to regain back some, if not all, of his composure.

Sasuke reached up an cracked his neck with a quick jerk while using his hand to massage away any pain. He looked up at the blond through stoic eyes. "Oh really? How do you plan on paying back that two million yen that I spent on you?"

"I-I'll do anything besides be your ass buddy, pal! Look, I'm good at cleaning, I can organize stuff; hell, I'll pick your nose for a quarter an hour!" Naruto begged as he nervously reached up to tug and twirl at one of the golden spikes on top of his head.

The car came to a stop, and the staring contest between Sasuke and Naruto quickly came to an end as the blond jerked his head to the side nervously.

I'm gonna die…I'm gonna die…I'd rather die than become some ass slave to a yakuza…Oh hell! Either way I'ma diiiiieeee!

"We're here Uchiha-sama." The door opened and revealed a short man dressed in tuxedo, who turned to the side and bowed as Sasuke got out, followed by Suigetsu. Sasuke turned around and looked back into the car in agitation.

"Get your ass out here, now." Naruto scrambled up off the leather seats and dove for the cold embracing outside.

"So, verdict, dude?" Asked the blond as he sheepishly kicked at a pebble on the ground, trying to look cute, as a way to influence the man to succumb to his wish.

Suigetsu looked at his boss, who turned away from the two and began walking towards his huge mansion.

"Starting tomorrow, you'll be my secretary, my maid, my cook, my accountant, my butler, hell you'll even be my plumber. I hope you're experienced in many fields, for if you shall fail at any given task…I'm pretty sure you know what I'll be after."

Naruto dug into his wallet, and opened it up with a frown deeply imprinted on his delicate features. "Um, dude, I only have two dollars and a bunch of pennies. So, even if this is what you're going to be after, it's not going to be much." Suigetsu took the chance to slap the blond in the back of his head, and push him forward so he was closer to the raven.

"No not your money, I could simply kill you and get an offer off of your organs," The blond sucked at his tongue, trying desperately to swallow, but only managed to make a slight whimpering sound, "What I want is-Well, you'll find out sooner or later."

The shark-like man ran up and opened the door, letting the Uchiha walk in as well as the blond, growling at him as he passed. Naruto looked around and felt like he was stuck in a medieval house that let the children go nuts with the black and red paint.

"Che, dude, where do you go shopping at? Death, Bats, and Beyond the Grave?" Asked Naruto, as he looked out at the dark living room that was decorated in black and red furniture and ornaments. Ha, I'm so writing that one down.

"Stop calling the boss 'dude'!" Cried Suigetsu, who once again slapped the blond across the back of his head.

"Gee, sorry, what the hell should I call him then?" Rubbing at the back of his head, Naruto didn't notice the raven walking out of the room.

"Sasuke-sama, Uchiha-sama, at least Sasuke-san. Don't be so informal with him, what the hell is wrong with you?" The white haired man crossed his arms and looked down the long hallway that his boss just disappeared in.

"Oh, pft, like hell I'd ever add sama to anyone's name," Naruto looked around before saying in a quite whisper, "He's going to get Sasuke and that's it…"

The taller male shrugged and smirked at the blond, "Sure, you're funeral."

"Oookay..Well, where do I sleep? It's not in a coffin, right?"

"Whatever, just find yourself a nice comfortable couch." Suigetsu said as he walked down the hallway, after his boss.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A grey haired man stood outside of the comedy club, blowing inside of his cupped hands in an attempt to keep them warm. The show was over and Kakashi had to take the blonde's place and dance for a thirty minutes in front of a crowd that'd think a pie to the face was hilarious.

Stupid Naruto, where are you?

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A souban is the head of a yakuza clan.

And Death, Bats, and Beyond the Grave is suppose to be making fun of Bed, Baths, and Beyond. Thank for if you actually got it the first time reading it!

I also made him from Sapporo 'cause that's known as the birth place of miso ramen!

Next chapter: Don't let your school life interfere with your mob life.

Welp, I'ma try and update as often as I can! Since I'm done vacationing, I'ma be typing a when the sun goes down.

Please read and review! I'd like to know if this story is going into a right direction!

~ShonenYaoi