A/N:
Chalice: Oh, well, here's chapter five! And it's quite long too *grins*
Moni: About me being in this chapter, well, I LIED! Muahahahaha!
Chalice: The beginning of this chapter is taken directly from the chapter "Uruk Hai," we just altered it a bit ^_^ Oh, and yes, my pen name has changed, but in this story, I'll still be Chalice so…
Mika: And when did anyone start to care about that?
Moni: Oh shut up, both of you! Here's our new chapter:
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Legolas – Wet or Dry?
Mika lay in a dark and troubled dream: it seemed that she could hear her own small voice echoing in black tunnels, calling: Leggo, Leggo! But instead of Legolas, Gimli, in a blond wig grinned at her out of the shadows; he reached out his arms for her, as if wanting a hug. She backed away. Where was Chalice?
She woke. And soon realised that the waking world was no worse than the world of dreams. There were orcs all around. Mika looked around, wondering where Chalice had gone. She was nowhere to be seen. Then Mika looked down; her Legolas figure was gone!
But she soon forgot all about it, when she heard what the orcs were talking about.
"Legolas, wet or dry?" one of them said, grinning.
"Wet! All the way!" Mika yelled.
"Really?" one of the orcs turned towards her.
"Yes, who doesn't think so?"
"I do," came in a whisper from the smallest orc.
"Oh really, Pantiehôse?"
"Yeah…"
"You'll regret saying that!"
So the first orc chopped Pantiehôse's head off.
Mika tilted her head to one side, and said, ironically: "Oh, that's too bad…"
All the orcs turned away from Pantiehôse's remains, and looked at Mika.
"So you like Legolas wet, eh?"
"Yes, but I like him more with chocolate on!"
All the orcs came closer, with a wicked look on their faces. When they were close enough, they let out a cry in delight, and started talking all at once.
"That's the best idea ever!"
"Wanna join our club?"
"Do you know the secret Legolas handshake?"
Mika grinned. 'I'm so popular' she thought, pretty happy with herself. Then she did the secret Legolas handshake.
"Eh," said one orc, "is it true that you've met Legolas?"
"Yes! And I've spent time in his backpack too!"
All the orcs awed.
"If you give me my Leggo figure back, you'll be allowed to touch me."
She was bombarded by Legolas figures. Then all the orcs went over to touch her.
"Wait!" she held up a hand, "you'll have to set me lose too!"
"Um…" the orcs looked at each other, "ok."
Five minutes later, Mika was sitting in a circle, telling everyone about her adventures with Legolas.
"And there I was, by the campfire, and Legolas pulled up his-" she was interrupted by a moan. It was Chalice waking up.
"CHAL!" she yelled.
"Uh…Mika? How much did I drink last night?" Chalice was slightly confused.
"Nothing, how?"
"My head is killing me."
"Oh, well." Then she turned back to the orcs. "Where was I?"
"Legolas pulled up his…" one of the orcs said, excited.
"Um…ok. Legolas pulled up his new poetry," there was disappointed sounds from the orcs, "and read it to me; it was so lovely!"
"Mika? That was jinxes, and besides, why are you relating to something that weren't in the past chapters?" Chalice said.
"Because it happened between the pages!" Mika exclaimed, "it was when I came in on Legolas changing clothes!"
There was sighs among the orcs.
"Oh God…" Chalice sighed.
"Can't you shut her up?" Mika said.
Chalice was soon gagged and put in a box.
"What do we do with it?" one orc asked.
"Let's throw it at that cavetroll over there!"
"Nooo!" – came from the box.
"Yes throw her!" Mika yelled.
"You won't be getting anything for Christmas!" Chalice wailed. Then she was flung through the air.
"So? I'll get presents from all my cool orc friends!"
They all did the secret Legolas handshake, and sat down again.
"So," Mika said after a while, "who do you serve?"
"Sauruman."
"So it IS Sauruman?"
"Yes."
"Chal wouldn't agree."
"Chal is just now being eaten by a cave troll."
"Oh. Right. Anyone want a marshmallow?"
"Yay!"
"Um, this Sauruman, is he, like a big wizard or something?"
"Well, he looks like a hippie, have a cool staff, and likes looking in crystal balls…"
"That sounds like a wizard yes… Does he like breakdancing?"
"Yes."
"Then he IS a wizard."
For a while, Mika sat in her own thoughts, or, lalaland we might say, then she said to the orcs:
"Does he brew love potions?"
"I think so…"
"Oh, then I'd really like talking to him, where does he live?"
"Over there," one of the orcs waved his hand westward.
"I'll better be off then. Could I have your addresses?"
"Yeah, sure. Have you got some paper?"
"No, but you can write it on my back."
"Ok"
One of the orcs took up a "Legolas owns me" pen, and started writing his address on Mika's back:
Mr. Tittheâd Vomìt Ôn'Abòttle, Really Dirtyplace 5a, Pit 3, 911 Isengard.
10 minutes, and 8 orc addresses later, Mika was on her way.
*
'This is the worst trip ever!" Chalice thought. The troll had now carried her for over two hours, and there was nothing happening.
"Hey!" she yelled up at the troll, "aren't you supposed to eat me?"
"Urr…no."
"Then why are you carrying me?"
"My wife is eating you, later."
"Oh," it was hard not to sound disappointed.
Another two hours went by, and Chalice decided it was time to do something.
"Hey, look! It's Britney Spears!" she yelled.
"Really?" the troll whipped his head from one side to another. This, of course, made him dizzy. So he dropped the box.
Chalice took advantage of the situation, and leaped off.
Then she ran blindly into the dark woods, crashing into different trees, screaming; "Whopsey!" And "oops! I'm sorry!" every time she hit a tree.
This of course made all the people she passed by concern about her insanity.
Finally she hit a rock and fell, giving her enough time to see the bearded man bending over her before she passed out.
When she woke up, she was lying besides a campfire. On the other side an old man was sitting on the other side smoking something Chalice thought was weed.
"What'cha smoking?" she asked casually.
"Old Toby's"
"Oh," she sounded disappointed.
The old man watched her for a while, then he asked: "Who are you?"
"Ahem," Chalice said, "I'm an 21th century girl, lost in Middle Earth at the time of the War of the Ring." She sounded pretty darn proud.
"Oh really?" he coughed, "another one. Now what's your story?"
"Well, I met the Fellowship in Lòrien, together with my friend Moni, and my not so big friend anymore, Mika. We got drunk, and afterwards, we hid in the Fellowship's backpacks. Then orcs captured Mika and me. Where Moni went off to, I don't know, but I think she's with Frodo."
"Frodo? Why would she want to go with him?"
"She has an unhealthy obsession with Sting."
"Thank the Valar that it wasn't his feet."
"His feet?" Chalice was confused, "why?"
"Every girl that ends up here has an obsession with his feet."
"Huh? I thought it was Legolas!"
"That's what they say."
"I don't say that!"
"No, you're too obsessed with money, power and pictures of Gimli's underwear riding on cows."
"What the hell?"
"I'm all knowing!"
"No you're not! I am not obsessed with Gimli's underwear!"
"If you say so…"
"Who are you, by the way?"
"I have many names, but you might know me as Gandalf."
"Gandy!"
"No, no. Gandalf!"
"Yes, Gandy."
"Whatever."
*
Three days passed by, and Mika finally reached Isengard. For some reason, no one stopped her, so she went up to Orthanc, and knocked on the doors.
"Who's there?" a voice said from behind them.
"Um…Mika."
The door opened, and a person with long, white hair and glasses looked out.
"Mika?"
"Granny?"
"Darling! Come in!"
"How are you granny Sauruman?"
"Oh, I'm fine." he (?) smiled.
"I didn't know you were a wizard!"
"Few know."
They both got seated in nice, flowery chairs, and Saruman poured Mika some tea.
"Does this – Does this mean I'm a wizard to?" Mika said.
"Only half, your father is a hobbit."
"How on earth did that happen?!"
"I don't want to know…"
"Hey! Does this mean I can have a staff, a wig, and a pointy hat and can do all sorts of cool stuff?"
"Yes."
"Can I brew love potions?"
"Yes."
"Can I…breakdance?"
"Yes…"
"Wohoo!"
"Can you teach me?"
"Yes, what do you want to learn?"
"How to make Uruk Hai's?"
"Ok, come on," he/she waved Mika into a lab. There, on the shelves, were a bunch of small building kits. One of them was clearly labelled: "Lego-set."
"Oooo," Mika goggled at the set, then she – carefully, so to not destroy anything – grabbed the set, so that all the other kits fell down.
Saruman turned back towards Mika. She quickly hid the Lego-set behind her back.
"Do you smell that?" Saruman asked.
Mika sniffed the air. There was indeed something strange there.
"Yes…"
"My cookies!" Saruman squealed, and ran out of the room.
An evil glare appeared on Mika's face, she ran over and locked the door. Then she, slowly but steadily, started building her very own Legolas.
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Disclaimer: Same as before….
Oh, and the 'Sauruman' – thingie, well, that is supposed to be that way. It's how Mika pronounce Saruman ^_^