Authors Note - HEY GUYS! SOO I'm pretty impressed with myself. Two updates in one week? not bad. Sure i skipped studying for my economics test and my Spanish oral but eh this was much more fun and way more worth it :) So I just had some idea's floating around so I thought I'd just get them down all in one chapter before I forgot them all (that happens to me a lot). So i think thats all i have to say. OOOO and we have a BIT of Emma's POV in this, because I wasn't sure how else to tell one scene, but it's a flashback, so there isn't a lot of opinion and stuff just like what happened and observations and whatnot. You'll see :) Anyways enjoy! And ill attempt to get next chapter out just as quick IF you guys all let me know what you think! THANKS! - Mary

Flickering Lights

Chapter Seven: Overdue Conversations

Have you ever felt that feeling of immense emotion where you've been holding something in for so long that when it finally comes out—no matter when that is—it's been so overanalyzed and inflated that everything just ends up either getting worse, or in an odd way actually making a situation better.

Lately that seems to be happening a lot.

It's almost as though feelings are held in for so long, that the longer they are held in for, the more intense this feeling will grow, no matter what the feeling. Anger heightens, guilt worsens, fear intensifies…love grows. Absense makes the heart grow fonder as they say—but really, it's more like absence makes the heart grow stronger. Absense or the lack of a presence doesn't always make you love them more, but whatever feelings you last had towards them often escalade in quantity.

That happened with Potter. It happened with the rest of the marauders. It happened with Emma and Sarah.

That will either work out in my favour or will work against me.

The way karma's going for me these days, I'm going to guess against.

But who knows?

"…and then you flick—"

"Swish," I intervened.

Harper nodded, "Yeah, that's what I said, swish. So you swish then jab—"

"Flick."

"You just said it was swish!""

"Kendall," I began with a frusterated sigh, closing my eyes and rubbing at my throbbing temples. "We've been over this. This is basic stuff, it's swish then flick."

Harper glared, "Well maybe if you were a better tutor I would know that!"

It had been two hours. Two very long hours. With Harper Kendall. At this point, killing myself wasn't extreme enough—I needed to suffer in agonizing pain; it would be better than this—I seriously wanted to cut off my ears or jab at my eardrums with a quill or something.

Because listening to Harper Kendall talk at all was torture, let alone about Charms.

"I don't have to do this you know. I'd much rather not, and—"

She let out a snort. "Right. Like I love spending my time with you. But you're the best in Charms at this whole bloody school so I have no choice!"

Did she just somewhat compliment me? What alternate reality did I wake up in this morning?

The only reason I knew it was still this reality was because Harper insisted that we sit in the most hidden part of the library, so no one could see her talking to me.

Thank Merlin she's paying me. Quite well too. "Fine," I began, taking a deep breath, my mind on the galleons that would son fill my pockets after this long day. "Let's try again then. Cheering Charms—"

"Fortunatus," Harper interrupted proudly, "Swish, swish, jab."

I smiled with relief. Finally something right. Well, it was a third year charm but still, it's progress! "Good," I said, before moving on, "Colour-Changing Charm."

I pulled out of my pocket a small piece of cloth. It was currently white. "Turn it Red."

"Uh…" Harper began. Fifth year charms were obviously a little more difficult. How this girl passed her OWL's I have no idea. I clearly recall having to change a rat orange during my OWL exam's last year.

"Well that one's easy to remember," a voice sounded, and I internally groaned. It had been a week since I'd seen him, after avoiding him like the plague. "It's simple," Potter began, pulling up a chair, "Just point your wand at the object, and say 'Mulo Colo' and then whatever colour you want it to turn."

"Potter, what are you doing here?" I asked exasperatedly. Honestly, his precense unnerved me. Ever since last week with Diggory, when things got a little too friendly for my liking—especially as neither of us were drunk that time— I've been trying my hardest to avoid him.

He, of course, acted perfectly normal for him, "Well, I saw you sitting here with Harper, and I thought she could use my help. I mean, it's quite difficult to deal with you all on your own you know Evans; like torture."

I wanted to wipe that smug smirk right off his face. How? I wasn't sure. I just really wanted too, even if it was with my fists.

Harper however, laughed. "Oh James, that's alright. Evans wasn't being too annoying. Rubbish tutor though," she said, and my jaw nearly dropped.

I'll give her bloody rubbish tutor. My arse. I did not spend two bloody hours with her for this bullshit. She was officially on the list of people I wanted to kick right now. The list was quite long by the way, with James Potter at the top followed closely by James Potter once again.

He smiled charmingly at her, "Let me help you then."

Now that I think about it, Potter was horrible at Charms. This could be potentially very interesting.

"Alright. Observe," Potter began, whipping out his wand, and pointing at the cloth, "Mulo Colo Red."

It turned Blue.

"Uhhh…" he said, scratching his head slightly puzzled. It didn't faze him for long though, "It can do that. I was just demonstrating that if you don't say the colour with enough emphasis it can often go wrong. Observe."

He pointed his wand once more at the now blue cloth, "Mulo Colo Red," he said much louder this time.

It turned orange.

Well, slightly closer. I let out a small laugh.

His head immediately snapped towards me, his face contorted in a mixture between frusteration, embarrassment, and anger. "Think your so smart Evans? Bet you couldn't do it either!"

I scoffed, "Right, because I can't master a simple fifth year charm. Or was it fourth?"

His eyes narrowed. "Do it then, if you think you're so smart!"

I chuckled. Pointing my wand at the cloth, I wordlessly changed it to red. "You forgot," I said to him, as his face turned a shade very similar to the cloth on the table, "The incantation is Muto Colo, not Mulo Colo."

He fumed. "You're such an arrogant bitch Evans," Whoa, that was definitely said with more antagonism than usual. "Just because you can do one little thing better than everyone else, you think it gives you the right to—"

"Just hang on one second Potter," I cut him off angrily, "I didn't do anything. If anything, Ijust helped you. Plus, like you're one to talk! You in transfiguration is unbearable because you're so full of yourself you think you can throw it in others' face when they may not quite match your skill level!"

"That is bullshit Evans, just like everything else you say," he said, and I honestly felt like this argument was transitioning to something completely different from just school subjects. "You're a liar and vindictive little bitch, and I wouldn't be surprised if—"

"Shut up! I don't care what you have to say!" My thoughts were getting all jumbled. My anger was mixing in with my confusion, and my past was mixing with my present, and so many issues were being expressed at once I wasn't all together sure what either of us was talking about at this point. "If you say one more stupid thing I'm going to kill you. Or myself. It's a toss up."

Potter was about to retaliate when the most unexpected thing of all happened.

"Would both of you just shut up!" Harper yelled. "Seriously," she said, lowering her tone, "why don't you two go work out your personal issues in a broomcloset, then come back and help me."

That shut us both up.

I was breathing heavily. I looked over and so was Potter. His face was red with anger, and mine felt warm. I knew that we'd both been holding—whatever that was—in for a long time. I met his eye, and I saw a twinkle of something odd reflected in his Hazel eyes. It was not my James—it wasn't even something I was familiar with. I had no idea what it was but it was puzzling.

It was Harper's comment that really freaked me out however.

Did she know?

Now is not the time Lily.

"Right," Potter said quiety, straightening himself out, "right," he said slightly louder, "sorry."

Then he was gone.

I let out a deep breath, and looked back up at Harper, "Okay, right. Back to Charms," I said with a shake of my head. "So colour changing. Muto Colo. Just a simple—"

"Oh my god," Harper all of a sudden interrupted, and my first thought was that Potter was back, with an axe or some other deadly instrument, ready to murder me. I glanced around frantically, but when I saw no Potter, I looked at her questioning. What could be worse then Potter with a deadly weapon? "You guys totally snogged didn't you?"

Oh. That.

Definitely much worse.

The library used to be my place of sanctuary. Hogwarts students rarely stepped foot in the library, hence why whenever I had to meet with people for projects and whatnot they often wanted to meet there.

Now it seems to be becoming my personal hell.

Because for the second time that day, there I was, in the library, wanting to slowly torture myself.

"…and then we can investigate the history of the use of the Patronus, and it's effects, and Lily!"

"What?" I asked, snapping out of my thoughts.

Emma sighed impatiently. "Look, If you're not going to work on this project seriously, then that's fine, I'd rather not waste my time with you. I could do it myself if necessary—"

"That coming from the girl who skipped our last meeting…" I muttered, before continuing louder, "I am going to work seriously, I'm just…distracted."

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Get Potter off your mind and get to work."

I narrowed my eyes. "Why do you assume it's him that's distracting me."

She sighed exasperatedly, a slight bitter tone slipping into her voice, "Becausewith you it's always about him."

I shrugged it off, not wanting to get into this with Emma of all people. Potter was one of the reason's our friendship ended, so talking about him now was kind of a sore subject. "So like you were saying," I continued where she left off with the project, "We should start by researching the discovery of the spell, and how it's influenced the Magical community. Then—"

"You know," she began, and just by her tone of voice, I knew it had nothing to do with Defense Against the Dark Arts. And after my conversation this morning with Potter and Harper, I was seriouslynot in the mood for any of this shit now. "He always liked you more. It was always about you."

I closed my eyes and pinced the bridge of my nose. "Emma…" I said, "Can we not get into this now?"

Seriously. It's been like a year, and she wants to have this conversation now? In the middle of my like month of mental breakdowns and whatnot.

"If not now, then when?"

That ticked me off for some reason. "Hmm, I don't know Emma, how about a year ago?"

She snorted, "Yeah right. Last year we were so mad at one another we couldn't even be in the same room—"

"—and we're not too thrilled with each other now. So why bother?" I asked.

"Because," She began, getting more wound up, "I still care about you, you know. Sure, we're no longer friends, but those sorts of feelings don't diminish, just change in nature, you know?" I knew exactly what she was saying. "And I can clearly see there is something seriously wrong with you. I mean, Lily Evans not working on an important project? Something's wrong. I could see that for weeks now. And when something's wrong, it usually relates back to Potter in some way, and I feel like I'm partially responsible when it comes to that area, so—"

"Emma," I cut her off her rant. I couldn't believe some of the stuff she had just said—it just added to my confusion more. I was so sure that everyone at Hogwarts dispised my guts, but now, this changes things.

Not that I cared.

"Don't feel responsible for anything. If there's something wrong with me—Potter related or not—it's most likely my fault—"

"But it's not!" She nearly yelled out, causing us to receive a glare from Madam Pince. Her voice immediately quieted down. "I knew you liked him. I knew he liked you. But Merlin Lily, I was so jealous! It seemed like you always got everything you wanted and for once I just wanted something I wanted."

Oh dear lord. Are wereally back on this subject?

"Which was James," I stated very simply.

She nodded. "I saw how he was with you, how caring—I couldn't help but start liking him. I know we agreed to stay away from him, but—"

"It's okay Emma," I said, clearly seeing how worked up she was getting about this. Once again, for the second time, I was having a conversation way overdue—this evoked emotions which weren't exactly desired. "I was the one that went after him even when you two were dating…" I said, just realizing how guilty I actually was about it.

Stupid guilt.

She laughed hollowly, "Please Lily, I'm not dumb, at least give me a little more credit then that. That party was not the only indicator that you guys clearly were in love," I went to protest but she continued, "and don't deny it because you were. Probably still are—you two always were stubborn. But even when I knew that I shouldn't have been with him, I couldn't give him up, because I was selfish, and I suddenly had found a guy who was…good to me. Sure he didn't love me, but I figured, maybe if I gave him time…"

My head was spinning. "What? When?" Was all I managed to get out.

Emma smiled a sad smile, and began telling me about it, "It was about two weeks before the party when I first saw it…

"…you okay Lily?" murmured the quiet silky voice of James Potter.

Lily shivered, "so tired James," she whispered, her voice barely audible, but I heard her.

"C'mere," James mumbled. I was hesitant to turn around, afraid to look at the two, but I did.

What I saw was so surprising, I nearly needed to sit from the mere strength of it.

James sat on the Gryffindor common room couch, by the fire, holding Lily in his arms. He held her with unimaginable warmth and tenderness, and I watched as she wrapped her arms around his torso and rested her head in the crook of his neck.

She was so tired—that was obvious—that I wasn't sure I she was doing this because she was delirious or because she was just a traitor of a best friend.

"Lily?" James asked softly, rubbing her back with the tips of his fingers and she sighed, embracing the warmth of James into her skin. I felt as though I was watching a interrupting a private moment, and I shouldn't be watching. "Do you want to go to bed?"

"No," she replied, and she shivered a little, and I wasn't sure if a lack of warmth or from his touch. "I'm not sleepy, just tired James," but her tone said otherwise, growing into a soft lazy voice.

"Lily I need to know," After a few moments of silence, "Do you like me Lily?"

"Of course I do James," she said, burroughing her nose into his neck even more, "You're a great friend."

I was shocked at the sudden question, and the way he asked it so nonchalantly. But her answer clearly did not please him, as he repeated, this time his tone boardering on patience, "Don't play with my Lily, you know what I'm asking."

Lily waved her hand as to shake off the question, looking up at him with her big green eyes, and I saw James visibly soften, "Please James," She said, "You know my answer."

Her eyes began slowly slipping shut after this, "Okay then," James said, not pressing it further. He cautiously pressed his lips to her hair, and pulled her to her, "Let's get you to bed, love."

They looked like such a couple—much more than James and I did. Like they were in love.

I was speechless. I barely remember that at all. That was the the day our midterms ended, and I'd stayed up the entire week studying, barely getting any sleep.

Emma clearly sensed my lack of memory. "I didn't blame you for this of course. You were barely conscious. I just…guess it was where things began to go wrong, so I thought It would be best to tell you."

I nodded, still unable to say anything. From Emma's descriptions—Merlin even I would have thought we were in love.

Thoughts and memories suddenly started flying through my brain. Every small detail—my brain started to analyze it. I needed it to stop. The more I did the more confused I got and the more it added to this stupid mess called my life.

"Emma…"

"I understand if you can never forgive me, and I know things can't go back to the way things were, but—"

"Forgive you?" I sputtered out once my brain comprehended what she was saying. After all this, she was apologizing to me? After everything? Of course we still didn't get into the other whole reason for our fighting, but that was okay…I was still too stuck on the fact she was apologizing to think of that. "Are you crazy? I should be asking you for forgiveness! I was a horrible friend and a total slag!"

We were silent for what seemed like forever. Neither of us knew what to say. No real forgivenesses were made, but it was progress.

"So," Emma eventually began slowly, "I saw Sarah the other day…"

I grinned. "…What a slag eh?"

Emma mimicked my smiling expression, "I know! Did you see her with Jeremy Holtz last week?"

I had to laugh. Just as I was about to continue, I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Lily Evans?" A little first year boy asked. "Professor Dumbledore wants to see you in his office."

Oh shit.

Diggory.

I'm not in trouble. I will not lose my Prefect position over this. I will not be in trouble. There are no witnesses—except Potter. God damn Potter probably ratted me out.

My walk from the Library to Dumbledore's office was a long one. Emma offered to come with me but honestly, we were still kind of awkward, and I needed time to think about it all.

But all I could really think of was my impending doom.

Can you get expelled for hexing a student?

What If he was being a creep? There has to be some sort of acception to the rule if the hexee was being a creep right?

Oh Merlin I was so screwed.

I mean seriously, if it hadn't been for Potter, It would have been a perfectly harmless hex—easily reversible. So technically if I get in trouble Potter should be blamed too—he was the whole reason for concern. Plus, it's not like I go around hexing people every day—I was just having a very bad week. It's not my fault if—

Oomffh.

"Excuse me," I said a little too harshly to whatever figure I had just bumped into. As I straightened my robes, I looked up to meet the eyes of James Potter. Of course.

Karma seriously has it out for me.

I guess it's true what they say. Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear.

And was it just me, or were things super awkward?

By the uncomfortable way he messed up his hair just now, I'd say it's definitely not just me.

"Sorry Evans," he muttered, "Wasn't paying attention. Late for detention."

"Detention again?" My stupid brain was unable to stop my mouth from speaking. Crap, now he's going to know that I was listening to his conversation the other day. His expression was puzzled, but before he could question, "Gotta go," and I spead off towards Dumbledore's office.

"Ms. Evans," Dumbledoor began as I finally reached his office. "Please take a seat."

I nervously sat near his huge desk filled with hundreds of unidentifiable contraptions, my fingers tapping nervously on my crossed leg, my eyes cast down. "So," he began, "I've called you in here today to discuss some rather…upsetting beaviour I've seen at Hogwarts over the last few months."

Gulp.

Do you think they accept witches to reform school?

"We will of course, be inflicting much more harsh punishments, to instill the idea that what they are doing is no joke, and that students could be hurt by certain actions…"

Here it comes.

"…detention, suspensions, expulsions...these are dark times Ms. Evans and if we don't instill these idea's now, who knows what could happen when students enter the real world and the war."

I seriously think he wants me to suffer. My fingers tapped away even faster.

"With that being said, as a prefect, It would be…prudent for you to put forth any names of individuals who may contribute to such rule breaking…"

Tap. Tap. Tap.

"Do I make myself clear Ms. Evans?"

I mumbled something along the lines of an acknowledgement.

His eyebrows crinkled in concern, "Is everything alright Ms. Evans?"

Great. He must have realized that I'm acting like a complete nervous fool and am a raving lunatic. Does that encourage expulsion? Or maybe I can blame my crime on my insanity?

I couldn't hold it in any longer, "Diggory!" I yelled out, before clamping my hands over my mouth.

"Ah yes," he said, walking around and finally taking a seat at his desk, "poor Mr. Diggory. Of course the culprit has been caught and sufficiently punished—he will be serving quite a lot of detention over the next few weeks. These are sort's of situations that we must be alerted too Ms. Evans, and as a potential future head girl, I'm glad you realize this."

I swear my jaw dropped.

Head girl? Culprit caught? Sufficiently punished?

So I'm not expelled?

"Head girl?" Was the only one I managed to say.

Dumbledoor let out a small smile, "Yes, congradulations. That's why I wanted to call you here today. As an official candidate for head girl next year, I wanted you to be aware of how seriously we take these sort's of situations."

Putting aside my great relief and happiness, something else entered my mind.

Then who was the supposed 'culprit'?

That was when it hit me.

"…Of course the culprit has been caught and sufficiently punished—he will be serving quite a lot of detention over the next few weeks…"

"…gotta get to detention."

"Detention again Prongs?"

"You know it Padfoot..."

"Sorry Evans," he muttered, "Wasn't paying attention. Late for detention."

"Detention again?"

"…detention, suspensions, expulsions..."

Potter.

Stupid git.

He took all the blame.

A/N - SOOO what do you guys think? I was just on a roll and I had some ideas so i thought HEY how amazing would it be if i could update twice in one week? Hope you guys enjoyed it! I love hearing from you!