2 days after posting Ch. 1, I still don't own Bleach.

Bleach, Detergent, and the War Against Humanity Part 2

"412"

"413"

"414"

"415, come on! Is that all you've got, you weird half-hollows?" shouted Squad 11 Captain Kenpachi Zaraki.

In the 48 hours since I posted Ch. 1, he and Captain Ukitake have carved a bloody path closer and closer to the heart of Hueco Mundo…except that Hueco Mundo is a city of Hollows, so it doesn't technically have a heart…

"350, great job!"

"351, that's the spirit!"

"352, A+ for effort!"

Captain Ukitake took a path that was adjacent to Zaraki's, but far enough apart so that they wouldn't have to fight each other over who got the lion's share of fraccion along the way. While Zaraki would only count the number of fraccion he killed and occasionally shout out demanding more challenging opponents, Ukitake takes the bizarre cake in that he gave each fraccion an inspirational quip just after he killed them.

"353, good strategy!"

"354, way to be a team player!"

"355, excellent reflexes!"

After awhile the 2 captains' paths merged.

"AAAHHHHH!!!!! Please don't kill me!" shouted a fledgling fraccion.

"You're best bet for staying alive right now is to lead me to somebody stronger than the rabble who live out here." replied Captain Zaraki.

"B-b-but the Arrancar are all out on a mission, and Aizen sama left on important buisness…"

"Wrong answer."

"W-what? Hey, wait! Stop! No-AAAHHHHH!!!!!"

"Heh, 416." muttered Zaraki.

"Hey! Great negotiating skills, young one!" exclaimed Captain Ukitake, walking up.

"Captain Ukitake, did you know that these half-hollows call Aizen their master? This could only mean that he has betrayed Soul Society." said Zaraki.

Captain Ukitake stared blankly for a second.

"Um…well yes Kenpachi, he did…a long time ago. Don't you remember all the things he pulled back during Rukia's execution?"

"I thought that was all some kind of bad joke on his part. I figured he wanted to take time off and decided to leave with a big bang. I had no idea he was being serious."

"Unfortunately he was. Now he thinks of himself as some kind of incredibly powerful and intelligent villain who will become a god."

"Well that's just stupid. An anime villain successfully becoming a god?"

"You know, Kenpachi, Yamamoto did order us not to break the 4th wall while he was gone."

"And things the old man doesn't hear won't hurt him. If Bleach is a generally positive anime, with the 'good guys defeat bad guys' formula intact, then shouldn't he come up with a plot that…I don't know…might actually succeed?"

"Well, Kenpachi, I never thought about it. I guess you're right."

"I mean, everyone knows that ruling the world is the oldest bad guy cliché out there. If Aizen is so smart, then wouldn't his evil bad guy plans be a little more original?"

"Well, somebody had to step up and take that position. Aizen had to decide between being a bland, boring nice-guy captain or a laughably generic main villain. It must have been a hard choice for him, so maybe you shouldn't judge him so harshly."

"I guess I expect too much from the poor guy. At any rate, it appears that all the strong half-hollows are out on missions, so we're not going to run into any challenging opponents today. I suggest we head back for Soul Society for now."

"Good idea! I wonder how Shunsui is holding up? And to tell the truth, I really want to hear Mayuri's explanation why this show is called 'Bleach.' Let's return."

And so, having found enough entertainment from the 771 fraccion they had just brutally killed-oh, sorry, the 771 fraccion they had just purified in the basking rays of political correctness by means of zanpakuto, the two captains made their ways back home.

Meanwhile:

By sheer coincidence, Aizen sama's trio of not-very-evil villains were beginning their invasion of Soul Society.

By the way, sama is a Japanese honorific. It denotes high levels of respect for the one it is applied to. If you're a big follower of the manga, then you have probably seen it translated as 'Lord Aizen'."

Congratulations! You've learned one shred of semi-useful information while reading this fic!

"Lets go destroy the Soul King! And then I will become a god and rule the world, just like every anime villain before me!" declared Aizen.

"You know, Sosuke, if you look at the success rate of those previous anime villains becoming gods, it's pretty much 0%…" said Ichimaru.

"No! That's not true Gin, Kefka from Final Fantasy VI succeeded in becoming a god…for a while…"

"Well I really hate to nit-pick, but Final Fantasy doesn't technically count as anime…"

"Oh, here we go again, Gin! Here I have a brand new evil plan and do you support me with it? No! Instead you just start meaningless arguments and try to cloud the issue. Well, I see the signs. You just don't care about me any more, do you Gin?"

"Sosuke…"

"No! Don't you 'Sosuke' me, Gin, your cutesy guilt trips won't work today! Either stand by your man or get lost!"

Tousen cut in before the sexual tension could get any thicker.

"I thought it was necessary to create a synthetic key by killing mass numbers of unimportant extras before we could ever hope to gain entry into the Soul King's dimension. How do you plan to get in now?"

"Well, after hours of deliberation, I decided we needed a back-up plan, in the event that the Arrancar failed to kill enough unimportant extras. Besides, even if we joined them on that mission, Yamamoto would probably show up and seal us in a fire prison, leaving us to stand around and do nothing, as usual. Well I say no. If we are ever to be seen as credible villains, then we must do more on our own."

"So then what's the plan? Why are we back in Soul Society?" asked Tousen. He was getting impatient, but no one could tell because he always speaks in a monotone voice that screams depressants.

"Why don't you tell him, Gin? Or do you even still remember the plan? Maybe if you can correctly tell Tousen what our plot is then I will believe you are still being faithful to me…uh, I mean to our evil goals." said Aizen.

"Don't involve me in your bickering, I'm supposed to be a complete pacifist. My character would be ruined otherwise." said Tousen.

"Well, it seems that Tousen has a soft side, Sosuke," said Ichimaru slyly, "Let's tease him together when we get back to Hueco Mundo."

"TELL ME THE GODDAMN PLAN ALREADY!!!!!" shouted Tousen.

Aizen and Ichimaru stared blankly at him.

"…I think it's time for someone to take their prescription stay-in-character pills…" said Aizen softly. Tousen took the hint and produced a capsule filled with strong depressants.

"…Right, sorry about that." said Tousen. He downed somewhere around four or five pills, and was back to his original monotone self.

"Well, you don't have to be so mean about it, I would have gotten around to telling you eventually…" sputtered Ichimaru, "but if you really must know so badly, the reason why we are here is, drum roll please…to politely ask our former fellow captains the location of Kisuke Urahara over a cup of tea!"

"Yes…wait, wait, no! Gin, that's not the plan! Where did you come up with that? We're here to torture the captains and force them to give us the location of Kisuke Urahara!" exclaimed Aizen.

"Well at least I got the general idea down…"

"Gin, we're the villains. We need to be seen doing evil things or else nobody will take us seriously."

"And why do we need to find Urahara?" Tousen cut in again.

"I figured that if anyone knew an easier way to get into the Soul King dimension, it would be him."

"And what about that latest intelligence report, Aizen? The one about Karakura Town being a fake? Don't you think we should take the opportunity to search for the real one, find it, and commence the destruction of all the unimportant extra characters?"

"No. Even if the real one is here in Soul Society, we'll just leave it be."

"Why?"

Aizen looked doubtfully at Tousen, as if he were overlooking something very obvious. But then he remembered that Tousen is blind, so the gesture didn't get through.

"Because it is out of character for me to actually do anything myself, Tousen. Haven't you figured that out yet?"

The three had a long pause before Ichimaru broke the silence.

"Hey, let's make a contest out of finding the captains!"

"Now that's a good idea, Gin! What do you have in mind?" asked Aizen.

"Let's have a race to see who can find a captain first! Last person to find a captain will be punished!"

"How will we be punished?" asked Tousen.

"They'll get a spanking courtesy of Gin Ichimaru!"

Tousen didn't need told twice…

"Hey, what's up with him?" asked Ichimaru.

"Well, he just ran off…Your contest must give him motivation. Good thinking, Gin."

"In that case, do I get any special favors for doing well?" asked Ichimaru slyly as he moved very very close to Aizen's face.

"Well if you'll notice, Tousen is probably going to win your contest. That leaves me to be punished by you."

"Aye-aye sir."

"But save that for later. For now, let's find those captains."

And so the two former captains strode into the distance, searching for their former colleagues. Little did they know they were about to take part in a confrontation neither man could expect…

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Author's Note:

Uh…yeah…something came up, so I won't be able to write the final chapter until the middle of next week. But I promise that it will be up by 11:59 Central Time Zone Wednesday July 15 Till then, reviews would be greatly appreciated. So join in next time, where Yamamoto's climactic war between anime and reality commences, Aizen's trio of wannabe evil villains confront their former comrades, and Captain Kurotsuchi finally explains why the show is called 'Bleach." Till then, cheers.