This fic, like most anything on fanfiction, is utter puerile nonsense. Do not take it seriously. Do not complain that the author got certain details wrong. Do not complain that the author spoiled something. Do not hallucinate and imagine that this fic is a giant, white whale. And certainly do not swear to a lifelong hatred and mission to kill said whale. That is all.

I don't own Bleach. Well, actually I do own bleach, but I don't own Bleach. Understand? Actually, to tell the truth, I don't own bleach either…

Bleach, Detergent, and the War Against Humanity Part 1

"Let us declare all out war on the human world!" ordered Captain Yamamoto, head of the 13 squad guards and temporary ruler of Soul Society.

Ever since the 46 members of Soul Society's governing body unanimously voted to all fake their deaths and join the dark side of the Force along with Captain Aizen, the old man had the authority to motion just about anything to be done. On schedule for today: the destruction of all sentient life in the world of the living.

"All squad captains are to ready their troops at the gate and prepare for battle!"

"So then, you mean that we captains will be on the front lines of battle?" asked Captain Zaraki eagerly.

"No. What I meant to say was prepare only your troops for battle. All captains are hereby ordered to remain at their posts to defend against any ryoka intruders…except for me, of course. My presence on the front lines is absolutely vital."

"That figures…" muttered Captain Zaraki.

Suddenly, the doors flew open.

"Captain Yamamoto! I have urgent news! The research my squad 12 has been performing for the last month has definitively revealed critical information. Finally…at last we have discovered the true reasons why the show is called 'Bleach.'"

"Silence, Captain Kurotsuchi! Until this battle is won, I will have no 4th wall breaking from any captains! Is that understood?"

"But Captain…"

"Enough of your foolishness! You are already a disgrace by showing up late to a captains' meeting! Do not make a mockery of any more rules when battle preparations are underway."

The squad 12 captain fell silent. After a long pause, Captain Soifon took the floor.

"Captain Yamamoto? I agree that fanfiction author was being very rude, but doesn't killing everything in the human world without exception seem like a slightly disproportionate response?"

Captain Yamamoto did not relent.

"No, I am far past tired of these fanfiction authors with their bad jokes, their self insertions, their perverted sexual fetishes, their bad grammar, their out of character portrayals, their crossovers, their dated pop culture references, and this concept called 'yaoi,' which I won't elaborate on. If the rest of the human world can stand idly by and let these 'authors' get away with these things and more, then they are equally as guilty and must be destroyed!"

"I still think this is a little extreme…" said Captain Soifon.

"I think the plan is perfect if you would just let us captains come along." said Captain Zaraki.

"I think you old fools need to stop this pointless bickering." said Captain Hitsugaya.

"I think that everyone is overlooking the fact that if we kill these fanfiction authors, their souls will come to Soul Society, where they will be even more of a problem." said Captain Unohana.

"I think that nobody is taking me seriously when I say that my research finding are far more important than a few fanfiction authors!" said Captain Kurotsuchi

"I think that I smell the plot heading this way, and I also think this captains meeting needs to end soon so that I can quickly go hide from it." said Captain Komamura.

"I think that everyone should go do what they want. If Captain Yamamoto wants to go attack the human world, we should let him. If I want to go back to the squad 8 barracks and catch just a few more hours of sleep, you should let me." said Captain Kyoraku.

"OMG WTF LOL I THINK TAHT DA WHIET HARED KID SHOULD GO ON A DAET WIT HARRY POTTER AND DRACULA SO TAHT I CAN DO A YAOI FIC!!!!1!!11!!!!1! OMG WTF ROFLMAO LOL!!!!!1!11!111!" said Captain DARKCRYNGANGALD3MONDRAGGON!1!!.

"Damn self inserting fanfiction author!" screamed Captain Hitsugaya, "And what's with the name 'Dark Crying Angel Demon Dragon?' that's just bad."

In a flash Captain Hitsugaya unsheathed his sword. Three seconds later, a mound of razor sharp ice shards lay where Captain DARKCRYNGANGALD3MONDRAGGON!1!! stood only moments before vanishing into thin air.

"Bastard wrote himself out just in time," said Captain Hitsugaya, "And he must have self inserted very quickly, because I didn't even notice him until he spoke. As of this moment, I officially support Captain Yamamoto's plan to take these losers down."

"I think that these fanfiction authors are creative young kids who write charming stories. They remind me of Rukia's drawings." said Captain Ukitake.

Now everyone had spoken except for Captain Kuchiki. All the captains stared at him, waiting for his opinion on the matter.

"It is as I've said. Do I need to repeat myself?" asked Captain Kuchiki indignantly.

"But you haven't said anything." came a chorus of voices from the other captains.

"I have no use for these uncivilized commoner brats who aspire to literary recognition." Captain Kuchiki finished.

Very well then," said Captain Yamamoto, "I have kept tally of those who support and those who do not support the plan to destroy the human world. I am very proud to announce that, by unanimous consent, the motion to destroy the human world has been decided upon. Let us continue preparations!"

And so the meeting was adjourned with the captains all just as fiercely and tragically divided as always. Without any coordination between captains whatsoever, they all headed back to their stations and ordered their squads to assemble outside, where a gate to the world of the living was being created. Because they wouldn't be coming along, the captains then returned to their usual devices for passing the time. Many thought that war against humanity was unethical and inhumane. Many more thought that it was about time something interesting happened in Soul Society. But nobody thought that, of all things, this would be their downfall:

Socks.

But that won't be important until later. For now, let's wind the clocks back a little and see what started all this:

So anyways, it is a clear and relevant fact that being a squad captain is easily the worst job in Soul Society, even worse than being assigned to Squad 4. Imagine: you are one of the 13 most powerful anime beings in all of existence, and your job is to sit around and guard a place that already has a force field, giant gates, and gate guardians surrounding it. At best, maybe once every two decades, your squad would be dispatched to destroy a particularly dangerous Hollow. But even then, protocol dictates that you must send a lieutenant or lower ranked officer before attacking it yourself (of course you can ignore protocol, but then you run the risk of never being sent after a Hollow ever again). You basically become a figurehead, without any great battles to fight or any grand adventures to go on. Your life is reduced to reading mundane reports, filling out paperwork, forcing your lieutenant to fill out paperwork, ordering lower members to clean the squad barracks, and generally stand around looking dignified or important.

No wonder Urahara, Tessai, Yoruichi, and (Isshin) Kurosaki all quit the position. No wonder Ikkaku Madarame is so reluctant to show off his ban-kai and be promoted to the position. Although she wasn't being considered for captain-hood, what with the generally dull atmosphere of Soul Society, it is also no wonder that Rukia Kuchiki ditched the place in favor of the human world.

Due to the extreme boredom, all the captains devised coping mechanisms for passing the time:

Squad 1 captain Yamamoto (Old guy) feels alive and liberated when relaxing naked at hot springs. Likewise, he also gets a thrill by streaking in public, especially during holidays or special occasions.

Squad 2 captain Soifon (the assassin who wears bright yellow) is a chronic kleptomaniac who gloriously steals random objects from the other captains.

Squad 4 captain Retsu Unohana (Medical chick) collaborates with Captain Ukitake in an effort to invent new diseases for him to be infected with. She also spends time praying that nobody will think to strangle her with her own hair.

Squad 6 captain Byakuya Kuchiki (royal pain in the ass) tends a garden behind his royal mansion, where he has a particular interest in growing razor sharp flowers. In the proud Kuchiki tradition, he also keeps an established monopoly on Soul Society's drug market, making sure that supply remains very low and prices remain very, very high. It is mostly because of their closely guarded secret drug recipes that the Kuchikis are considered royalty.

Squad 7 captain Sajin Komamura (Fox Face), aside from being a fashion designer interested specifically in helmets, has become an expert at hiding from the plot. As of yet, it still hasn't found him.

Squad 8 captain Shunsui Kyoraku (drunken bum) always had booze. And women. But where his heart truly lies is in quilting pink, flowery robes to wear over his captain's uniform. He is also Captain Kuchicki's biggest customer.

Squad 10 captain Toshiro Hitsugaya (kid captain) has his annual Dragonball Z cosplay events. Every year he comes as Trunks and every year he wins. Secretly he plays with toys, and will gladly kill any witnesses who see him doing this.

Squad 11 captain Kenpachi Zaraki (Jiraiya's voice) accidentally stumbled across a backdoor into Hueco Mundo. Once a week he sneaks over there and start mass killing sprees along it's outskirts. He is also an aspiring hair stylist

Squad 12 captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi (estranged researcher guy), aside from designing silly novelty hats, is Hitsuguya's main competition at cosplay events. He always dresses up perfectly as Kefka and gets rejected because Final Fantasy characters don't technically count at anime cosplay events. He also loves to screw with activists and ethical committees by cloning and using human test subjects. Because nothing is more fun than watching an outraged activist group pouting, not even getting a flaming review from someone who can't spell could compare.

Squad 13 captain Jushiro Ukitake (sick guy) caught on to Captain Zaraki's frequent disappearances and learned of the backdoor into Hueco Mundo. He gladly keeps the secret so that he too may cross over and go on murderous rampages every few days. For cover he always leaves a gigai at home and instructs it to either feign sickness or assist Captain Unohana with inventing new diseases. In order to get through the rest of the week, he needs constant supplies of stimulants to appear bright and cheery in public. Therefore he is Captain Kuchiki's second biggest customer.

And this leaves Captain Sosuke Aizen (suspiciously nice captain), Captain Kaname Tousen (suspiciously non-violent captain), and Captain Gin Ichimaru (the Botox casualty). Without any way to cope with all the boredom of Soul Society, they promptly snapped and allied themselves with Hollows. After all, if they tried hard enough, wouldn't they become credible villains who were relevant to the plot?

Maybe?

Possibly?

Okay, you win. Those three are about as evil as gummi bears. But maybe someday…

A bigger threat to Soul Society came in the form of fanfiction authors. The way they could just appear in Soul Society by means of self-insertion was an unparalleled security risk to all Shinigami, especially the more popular ones. Even worse, some lazy fanfiction authors wouldn't even bother to self insert, but instead created godly powerful original characters with unbalanced hormones who would go around trying to sleep with various characters (again, the more popular the character, the shorter end of the stick they received). But the day things had gone too far was the day a fanfiction author appeared before Captain Yamamoto and tried to do a comedy sketch. Here are a few of the things he said:

"You're so bald I can see what's on your mind."

"You're so bald you must get brainwashed every time you take a shower."

"This Halloween, you should pour molasses over your bald head and shove a wooden stick up your butt and then you'll be dressed up as a caramel apple!"

These poorly timed bald jokes were the final straw. Outraged by the kid's insolence, Captain Yamamoto decided on a plan that would teach these brats a lesson: the complete and utter destruction of the human world.

Having all the squads assemble in one place without any coordinated effort on the captains' part was a complete disaster. It took hours for some squads to find the right place, being as how Soul Society's streets were designed by an autistic three-year-old with a passion for mazes. Another great problem was the lack of proper footwear among the squads. Because everyone wore socks, the smooth stone streets of Soul Society proved extremely slippery, causing several minor injuries.

"You know, I think that socks just might be the downfall of us all…" said one officer to another.

"Oh yeah? Well, you're nobody, so we don't care what you think." the other replied.

As usual, all the captains aside from Yamamoto were left to pass the time as they saw fit.

Captain Soifon's pile of loot grew ever so big.

Captain Unohana continued to create new strains of bacteria for Captain Ukitake, even though half of her microscopes were missing.

Captain Kuchiki went on a snobby, aristocratic rant of superiority when he returned to his garden and found several of his favorite flowers were picked.

Captain Komamura just barely got out of the captains meeting in time to escape the plot, but in his rush, his helmet went mysteriously missing.

Captain Kyoraku fainted from stress after returning to the Squad 8 barracks only to learn that someone had stole his sake.

Captain Hitsugaya washed the shirt to his Trunks costume. He couldn't find the pants anywhere.

Captain Zaraki and Captain Ukitake disappeared through their little backdoor to Hueco Mundo, both eagerly planning an extended rampage today-being as how there was practically nobody around to notice their disappearance. Zaraki was late because he couldn't find his bells anywhere.

Captain Kurotsuchi was too estranged to notice that his silly hat was missing. He really wanted to tell someone the true reasons why the show is called 'Bleach.' But alas, there was to be no 4th wall breaking until Captain Yamamoto returned. Even still, this piece of information was so incredible that Kurotsuchi wasn't sure he could keep it to himself for very long…

After all the squads found their ways to the gate and were decently organized, Captain Yamamoto opened it and gave the order.

"ATTACK!!!!" he bellowed.

And thus began the war which Yamamoto himself had quite accurately titled, 'The War Against Humanity.'

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Author's Note:

This was originally a oneshot idea, but I unfortunately fed it too many steroids, and it grew into the massive hulking beast that it is today. I will hopefully post Ch. 2 tomorrow (it is currently about 40% complete). My plan is to complete this fic by Friday to coincide with the release of the latest volume of the Bleach manga. So please review and bask in the knowledge that next chapter, Aizen, Ichimaru, and Tousen show up to complicate things even further. Dun-dun-DUN!!!