Title: Making Dreams into Nightmares

Series: IDW

Pairing: Sunstreaker/Hot Rod

Rating: R to sorta NC-17

Spoilers: All Hail Megatron (Mainly issues 7 & 8)

Warnings: There is mostly angst and bitter sweetness in this part. This part will contain a death of a character… Unfortunately… T_T Curse you IDW…

Notes: This was originally to be a one-shot. It turned into three. Also, brackets [[ ]] stand for flashbacks. Single quotes are personal comms… this is only used once. Also… I originally wrote this to have a worse ending. But I was talked out of that. So… super angst was downsized to medium angst. –Sweatdrops-

Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers. And this story line belongs to IDW. For all their angst, I borrowed it to feed my own silly desires.

Summary: Sunstreaker can't have what he wants most and Hot Rod is honest to a fault with terrible luck on his side. And sometimes, that's all it takes to bring two people together. In an attempt to overlook what is hurting them on the inside, they find they are getting more than they bargained for.

Part III: Reality

"Of all the irritating… stubborn… Primus what am I going to do with him?!" Hot Rod stopped in the door to medbay listening to Ratchet while he hunched over his work station holding his helm in his hands.

"Ratchet?" Stepping in quietly, he gazed to the CR chamber and frowned to find it empty. Not that he expected to be told anything. No one would have told him. No one even knew about his attachment to Sunstreaker.

The medic straightened and looked over his shoulder. Laughing a bit nervously, Ratchet turned and moved across the room to where he stood. "Hello, Hot Rod. Any complications with the repairs?"

"No, sir. I was actually…" He trailed off before admitting his purpose. When he found Sunstreaker, what would he say? What could he say that would matter?

"I see. If you're looking for Sunstreaker…" Ratchet sighed heavily and looked off to the side. "I tried to get him to see Hunter. I know what he went through must have been the Pit incarnate… But… they went through so much together…"

Hot Rod stiffened at this and looked away. "Oh. Bet that didn't sit well with Hunter."

"I'm actually nervous to tell him. I know Sunstreaker is pretty stubborn… I just thought he'd at least try a little for Hunter. Instead he won't say anything. In fact he barely moves." Shaking his head sadly, Ratchet leaned back against his station tipping his head back. "I can't move mountains. All I can do is repair him. I don't… know how he'll make it out of this."

Lowering his head, Roddy felt those claws of pain clutching at his spark like an eclipse. How? How could he survive this? Slowly turning, he moved to leave the room. Ratchet called after him, but he just sent him a stale smile and went on. Wandering aimlessly down the halls, his form felt heavier with each footstep.

Simply letting go of his sense of direction, he let his body move of its own accord. That's how he always found Sunstreaker. After stellar cycles, a gravitational pull seemed to build between them. And right then, he felt his systems growing colder with each stride he made. Stopping in a darkened doorway, his head lifted for the first time to look in the room. Finding the shadowed form sitting in the dark, he stepped in. Sunstreaker was hunched forward, head bowed low toward his knees. For all the world, the warrior looked like he wasn't even online.

Moving closer with slow steps, he paused to close the door surrounded them both in a lightless tomb with only their optics giving off a glow. Stepping carefully toward the other, he saw the slight change in the lighting of his lover's optics as they switched to night vision mode. Stopping in front of the elder, he stared down at him in utter silence. Sunstreaker didn't move.

As the time ticked by, Roddy finally spoke softly wanting so desperately to revive Sunny out of the brokenness. "I wasn't fast enough…"

Sunstreaker's joints stiffened with a soft squeal before he slowly lifted his head. Pale aqua met Roddy's optics, and he felt his tank roll in sickened sadness for the emptiness he saw there.

"No matter… how hard I tried…" His vocalizer caught and cracked as he tried. Tried with all his might just to let his lover know how much it hurt. How much he wanted to take it all away to give his lover that reprieve. Shifting, he moved a hand to press it over his face. A low whine emitted from his vocalizer this time as he spoke. "I just couldn't get to you… I couldn't find you!"

Crying out sharply as hands suddenly pressed into his hips, Roddy pulled the hand from his face and looked into his lover's optics. The swirl of darkened shades in the pale light made him want to cry in despair. Sunstreaker simply tightened his fingers on his hips before speaking lowly. "Idiot. You should have stayed out of it."

"You fragger! How can you say that?!" Hot Rod felt himself rip out of Sunny's hands as the emotion erupted. "No! You aren't doing this to me! You can't just tell me to go away and leave me in pieces on the ground like you did last time!"

Sunstreaker sneered, his lips curling at the corners of his mouth baring his dental plating. "You dumb aft! You should have stayed out of it and you wouldn't have been in that mangled state to begin with! Stop thinking you can save the world! You stupid fragger! You're made of two parts emotion with only a half part intelligence to the other half common sense!" Hot Rod took a step back as the other roared at him balling his hands into fists so hard that metal squealed and bent. "Did it ever occur to you that I didn't want you… YOU of all people to see me like that?!"

Roddy froze, the angry retort dying on his lips. The anger subsided fast causing his shoulders to slump forward in defeat. In a way, he was happy. Happy that Sunstreaker wasn't completely gone. "I couldn't let them keep doing that to you…"

"I don't want to talk about it." Sunny ground the words out through clenched plating as he turned his head away in anger. "I want it to never be mentioned again. I never want to be reminded of that Pit I was in!"

Shuddering from the wave of emotion, he wanted to laugh bitterly at the accuracy of Sunstreaker's description of himself. But then… without the emotion, he couldn't have found it in him to love Sunstreaker like he did. One sided or not, Roddy couldn't let him go. Stepping forward, he dropped to his knees with a loud clang between Sunny's legs searching out his optics. "Sunstreaker…"

"Don't look at me like that… I hate it when you look at me like that." The parting of Roddy's lips and the slight widening of his optics forced the yellow mech to wince after saying those words. Carefully, as though at any moment Roddy would break under his hands, he slid them over his face. "Please… stop. Keep screaming… just don't look at me like that…"

Roddy's systems hiccupped from the sadness ravaging his circuits and his spark with suffocating force. "I'm sorry…" Always the open book of emotion for his lover… even when he knew how much it hurt the elder. Drawing air through his intakes, he tried desperately to smooth out the torrent of pain in his face.

Sunny's fingers swept up the seams of his cheek and hovered beneath the optic that Scorponok had shattered. Lips parted as Sunny's face rippled with tension, tightening then softening as he reached out with the other hand to touch his spoiler where it had been twisted and mangled before. Hot Rod felt his spark flutter as his lover's fingers moved from under his optic to caress the corner of his jaw where it had been broken from its hinge. "Roddy…"

"Yes?" The gusty sound from his vocalizer barely made a full sound as he pulled away from the mesmerized state Sunny had plunged him into.

"I cut it… I completely cut him out." Sunny's brows angled inward and down as his optics narrowed and flickered in pain.

Hot Rod stared at him, mouth gaping in shock. "Wh-what?!"

"I lost myself… more and more. I wasn't me anymore…" Sunny's voice strained as he curled his fingers about Roddy's helm almost desperately. "I didn't want him to hurt… I couldn't let him feel me… not like that…"

Slowly, he lowered his head in those strong hands, and stared at the floor. The war in his processor felt like it was going to rip him in two. One side wanted to comfort his lover… wanted to hold him close for the complete loss of his twin. But the other hurt with all the icy darkness of despair knowing that he would always be second best. No matter if he ran to the rescue… no matter if he loved him with all his might. Sideswipe would always be first and foremost in Sunstreaker's processor.

Putting his processor into freeze frame, he moved to look at his lover with wide optics fighting with all his might to keep his emotions from his gaze. Reaching up with shaking hands, he barely touched Sunny's face. "You… did what you had to… I'm… sure he'd understand when he finds out… when he knows why…"

"I'm never going to tell him. And neither are you." Sunny's gaze hardened as he slid his hands to Roddy's shoulders shaking him softly. "Don't you EVER tell him."

Catching his hands on Sunny's forearms, the surprise in his optics didn't fade even when the other stopped shaking him. "Ok…"

"Good…" Letting Roddy go, Sunny leaned back against the wall dimming his optics. His joints seemed loose like a rag doll as he stared blankly at the ceiling. "So… when are you going to lecture me about that human?"

"I'm not going to." Hot Rod's voice left his vocalizer cold and hard without feeling causing the elder to lift his head and look at him curiously.

"Roddy?"

"Nothing. I'm never going to make you do something you don't want to do. That isn't how I work." Slowly, he shifted to rise to his feet. Between the sickening reminder of Sunny's love for his brother and that human… he wanted to get away. But when he tried to turn to walk away, Sunny's suddenly gripped his waist and pulled him close. His head tipped back as that beautiful visage pressed into his chest making his dermal plating tingle from the touch. "S-Sunny?"

"Just stop talking… Stay. Don't leave." Curling his arms tentatively about Roddy's waist, Sunstreaker pressed hard into his form making Roddy sigh from the demanding touches. "Don't say anything… just… don't leave."

Drawing air in sharply from the rush of feelings, he slowly nodded his head even though Sunstreaker couldn't see it. Hesitating a moment, he moved close and wrapped his arms about the other's helm and shoulders protectively. His optics dimmed as those yellow hands slid to the back of his knees and pulled him into Sunny's lap so he could straddle him.

Shifting, Sunstreaker pressed his face into Hot Rod's neck, his vents almost wheezing from the rush of air cycling through his systems. It broke his spark in ways unimaginable. Dipping his head down as Sunny moved to press his face into his shoulder; he kissed at the dark helm lovingly. A hand moved to brace Sunny's helm as Hot Rod offlined his optics. Maybe Sunny wouldn't ever love him back. But Roddy knew he would never stop loving him as long as his spark pulsed in his chest.

-+-

"But… sir?" Hot Rod's spark burned in his chest as he faced Optimus Prime who stood so rigidly before him just outside the bridge. "Am I not contributing to…"

"That's not the case, Hot Rod. Where you do go off on your own frequently, you are not in trouble."

"If I'm not in trouble, then why are you reassigning me?" Pain pulsed against his chest plates as he fought the urge to beg. Plead with the commander for the chance to stay here. Sunstreaker wasn't improving, but he knew he would be so much worse if he left him here alone… Here… with Sideswipe. "I want to be useful here."

"You can be useful to me elsewhere as well, Hot Rod. This was a request, and I would have thought you'd be honored by it." Prime's optics darkened as they narrowed. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

Hot Rod could hear the sound of his spark sinking. "No, sir. Who was requesting?"

"Kup. Springer is now under his command and they are building a new strike team. He wanted you along." The Autobot leader watched his soldier carefully, and Hot Rod knew that Prime knew of his omission. The piercing gaze of his commander made him want to just give up and spill all of his transgressions. "I was under the impression you and Springer were close."

"He's a good friend, sir. Yes… I'm honored Kup would request me specifically." His tone weakened as he nodded his head.

"You'll leave to make rendezvous tomorrow early. Prepare and rest." Hot Rod stood at attention and nodded his head at the short orders feeling something prickle at his senses. Prime gave a nod before turning and heading back into the bridge. When the door hissed upon closing, Hot Rod slowly turned his head to find the source of that sensation. Finding his optics locked with washed out aqua, his shoulders began to sink.

For the longest moment, they never broke the gaze until the sound of footsteps disrupted the silence. Sunstreaker shifted, one hand extending to him even though his face never changed from that blank neutrality. Regardless, he found himself slipping his hand into the stronger before being pulled down the hall. Grazing his optics over the broad back, he wanted to touch his lover and simply feel him, but he refrained. Sunstreaker became the picture of tightened repose ever since he'd woken in medbay… and only on occasion had he managed to work it out of the mech's joints when allowed to touch.

When motion stopped, he turned his head to see his lover opening the door to his quarters before pulling him inside. The hand around his released him and soon he felt a cold sense of bereft loneliness. Lowering his helm, he didn't know what to say. Each time they came into contact, he found he ran low on things to ask about.

Optics flared as he felt strong digits slip under his chin and easily lift his head until their gazes met once more. Sunstreaker's optics darkened a shade as the pad of his thumb slid over Roddy's jaw. "You're leaving again…"

"Yeah…" It should have been exciting. An invitation to work with Springer and Kup of all Cybertronians had been something he'd wanted all his life. But now, standing there in front of Sunstreaker, feeling the weight of that gaze, he didn't want to leave. "I don't…"

The feeling of lips pressed into his, enveloping and caressing in a kiss full of so much need and gentleness silenced him. Pliable metal melded together sensually before the blunt edge of dental plating pressed into his lower lips causing him to gasp. Deft yellow fingers slid around to the back of his neck and softly threaded into the wiring there causing his vents to hiss a sigh of warm air. For all the sweet tenderness he knew Sunstreaker capable of, this was different. This felt all encompassing and nearly timid of breaking him. This was desperation. Sunny released the kiss, and slowly trailed butterfly kisses along the corner of his lips before speaking softly. "I know…" Lips lingered against his cheek seam and sent shivers down Roddy's spinal unit before they swept against him as Sunny whispered, "Make me forget."

Barely spoken words ripped through him like fire burning at his optics and caused him to groan with so much pain in his vocalizer. Offlining his optics, he finally gave a small affirming nod. "Anything…"

Something must have gotten to the warrior as his lips slowly turned up against his cheek in a soft smile. "Anything…" Echoing Roddy's words, the younger felt like his world turning upside down as Sunny's lips pulled away and he felt his body being lifted. Tipping his head just enough to gaze at Sunstreaker under the edge of his helm, his lips parted in a soft gasp as he was set on the other's berth. Sunny leaned down and slid their noses together slowly, optics dimming when their lips caressed but didn't finish the kiss.

For a fleeting moment, as his arms remained curled about his lover's neck, he felt something so overwhelmingly amazing and yet spark breaking all at the same time. "Sunstreaker…" The yellow mech smiled just barely and had he been anyone else, it would have been missed. Love. Hot Rod couldn't call it anything else. He loved Sunstreaker so much… and as their lips met again in that slow processor numbing kiss, energon pooled in his optics but didn't fall.

Sunstreaker gave a small chuckle as he kissed up the young cavalier's cheek only to brush his lips over one of Roddy's optics. "Why?"

"For you…" He felt his body ache. "For me." What else could he say? To say more would ruin everything… because unrequited and still being close was better than being shoved away.

Sunstreaker's body gave a low tremor before he silently moved on to kiss at his other optic. "Always so dramatic…"

Hot Rod gave a small choked laugh before he found his lips claimed again while strong legs moved to cage his hips. His spark wrung tightly in his chest, he curled his arms about his lover holding onto him possessively. Hands slid over Hot Rod's body, slower than usual as though taking in every detail… as though… for the first time… saying goodbye.

-+-

"Hey Hot Rod…"

"Don't have time Hunter." Tone more snappish than usual, Hot Rod moved fast to throw his gear on the shuttle. He had to leave before he lost all nerve again. And Primus knew… he didn't want to talk to Hunter.

"Please! I need to tell you something!" The small human rushed after him looking utterly frustrated as he tried to make Hot Rod listen. Moving to a console, he did his routine check out for the ship's log and started marching for the shuttle for the last time.

"Go back to your humans, ok? I need to leave." Furrowing his brow, he was about to step on board when the next words froze him in place.

"Please! I need to tell you something about Sunstreaker… he's…"

"No!" Whirling around, more anger than necessary boiled up in his optics as he leaned down over the suddenly backing away human. "No. You don't have the right to talk to me about him. And whatever you know? Keep it to yourself. Keep it all to yourself…" The supreme rush of jealousy overtook him as he watched Hunter slump a little.

"Roddy…" Trying one last time, Hunter jumped when Hot Rod snapped once more.

"Don't call me that." Not waiting for another word, he moved into the shuttle and shut the door. Curling his hands into fists, he lowered his head before slowly collapsing to the floor. The feeling of Sunstreaker pressed into him, holding on so tightly still fresh in his processor as he hugged himself.

That night had been amazing. Bittersweet. And for the first time since they started their relationship… he was the one to leave before Sunstreaker woke up.

-+-

Silver fingers rapped against the table top just barely touching to keep the impact soft. Normally vibrant optics were darkened and barely showed any hint of luminous blue. Music played, filling the air from a small player fashioned after the ones he'd seen on earth. The only thing he'd taken from that Primus forsaken planet lie in that little player as it drowned out his thoughts with songs he'd collected there. Drowned out, or drowned him in his thoughts? He didn't want to answer that..

But I don't care what they say… I'm in love with you… They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth… My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing…

Furrowing his brow, his body slumped forward next to the player, his arms crossing on the table to pillow his forehead. When did he become such a masochist? Right… he'd always been one. Smiling in self deprecation, the cavalier let a long sigh from his vents. The common room was luckily empty so no one could see his bout of self-pity. Being in his own room though, left him hollow. Sleeping in a berth only served to make him an insomniac and play backs of memories he'd rather forget… such as Machination and the look in his lover's optics the day before he had to leave.

But nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace… And in this world of loneliness I see your face… Yet everyone around me thinks I'm going crazy, maybe… Maybe.

Rolling his head a little, he stared at the device and fought the urge to reach out and slam his fist down on top of it. Yes, definitely a masochist. Offlining his optics, he didn't hear the soft footsteps that blended in with the beat of the music.

"Hot Rod?" The soft accent to that voice pegged the scientist instantly. Lifting his head, he looked at the surprisingly blank expression. The only hint of emotion in Perceptor's face was the slight furrow of the one brow that was still visible. Sliding his gaze to the eyepiece, he recalled Springer mentioning the mission that had instigated the scientist to create it. Springer didn't like the change, and that fact stood out blatantly obvious with the tone he used to tell the story.

"Hey, Percy." Smiling softly, he pushed himself up and hit the kill switch on the player. "Sorry. You can sit, didn't mean to take over the common room."

Perceptor watched him quizzically before moving to sit across from him with a cube of energon set on the table. The scientist's dark fingers slid softly over the edges, optics focused on it with resolute determination. For a moment, Hot Rod felt like the other wanted to disappear into the back ground. The image was such a contrast to what he remembered of the Chief Science Officer. Perceptor was the type that would ask about everything and tell you more than you needed to know. The chatty Autobot was charming in his own right even though most stopped him and berated him for talking above them. Part of him missed that. Gaze once more drifting to the eyepiece; he recalled that Springer said that dynamic change in the scientist's personality came at the same time. It seemed this war was destroying even those that weren't on the frontlines.

"You've been in here… frequently." Perceptor's voice broke his reverie, and he tilted his head.

"Yeah… I guess." Lowering his gaze, he dimmed his optics again.

"I see." His companion silenced after those words, the soft scrape of delicate nimble fingertips against the cube was the only remaining sound.

"Hey Percy… you know… even though Wreckers are tough and all… you still need to be you, ya know? Kinda miss that…" Roddy never knew when to stay quiet… Perceptor was no exception. Besides, it kept the focus off of him and his strange habit of sleeping in the common room.

The sudden screech of fingertips against transparent aluminum forced him to lift his head. Watching the scientist, he felt his spark ache at how the other stared hard at the cube as though the contents could get him out of this situation. "Easy, Percy… I didn't mean to upset you.."

"No… it's fine. I'll keep that in mind." Easing his grip on the cube he'd not touched, he lifted a piercing gaze that caused Hot Rod to straighten. "The music… does it reflect you?"

"I… Uh…" His back was straight as a board now as he looked anywhere but at the scientist. Why did he have to be such an open book with his emotions?

"Does the object of your affections know? Or… is that why you've been recharging in here?" Why did Perceptor's finer accented speech… something he used to enjoy, have to cut so deep now?

"No…"

If Perceptor had meant to answer, nothing came as the hiss of hydraulics barely noticeable caused Roddy to look at his companion. Only, Perceptor wasn't looking at him. Turning his body, he caught sight of the pristine white armor of their newest recruit. Drift always moved in a way that he never heard him coming. In fact… now that he thought about it, Drift was never far from where ever the scientist was.

Drift nodded to both of them before moving to the energon dispenser to get his ration. For a moment, Hot Rod wanted to get up and simply hug him for causing Perceptor to focus his attention elsewhere. With that solemn silence the scientist seemed to hide in, came much more perception into the actions of others around him. It made his plating crawl in a way.

"Drift…" The simple sound of the swordsman's name from Perceptor's vocalizer caused him to stare a moment. Where it only represented a greeting… the change in tone held so much more. Watching, Drift smile in that serene way in return, Hot Rod furrowed his brow and went back to staring at the table. Sometimes, he just didn't want to be involved or try to figure anything out. But as he dimmed his optics, the soft accented tone caused his optics to brighten and his spark to clutch painfully. "You should tell him, Hot Rod. Or… you'll find regret hurts far more."

-+-

Lines pumped fuel furiously, rushing as fast as the pulse of his spark in his chest. Since the moment Cliffjumper and Ironhide brought him to Prime's unit… the surge of excitement hadn't stopped. Smiling to himself as he ran his transformation process, he stretched in gratitude to Kup's suggestion for a short break. Glancing about the crowd of mechs, he searched out the optics of his lover. Finding hues of aqua, he felt the air ripped from his ventilation system.

You should tell him, Hot Rod. Or… you'll find regret hurts far more.

Those words replayed through his mind for cycle upon cycle apart from his lover. He never could bring himself to comm. his lover. The idea just didn't set well with him. If Sunstreaker was going to turn him down, he slaggin' well better do it in person.

Pulling in a long gust of the stale Cybertron air, he tipped his head a little to the side. In their time together, they'd developed little gestures to talk without ever speaking in public. And right now, he wanted Sunstreaker to follow him. The warrior stared at him a long moment, the hardened lines of his face deepening as he tightened his jaw. For a moment, he thought Sunny wouldn't agree… but the yellow mech gave the faintest nod.

Instantly turning on his heel, he moved for a dilapidated building that still seemed to have all four walls mostly standing. None of the bots even noticed that he was wandering off or that after a long moment, Sunstreaker turned to follow. His body was so in tune to everything the other did even after an earth year apart.

Slipping inside and retreating to the shadows at the back of the building, he turned to watch the door. Trepidation grew in his chest causing his spark to pulse hard and nearly twist in a manner that made his tank want to purge what little contents he had left in it. No matter how resolute he was to get it out… it seemed now it only made him want to run away. Shaking his head, he demanded his body to stay calm. He'd never run before, and he wouldn't run now. Straightening, he turned his head to look at the approaching form of his lover only to feel his spark sink.

Not far behind him, was none other than his lover's twin. Sideswipe was following in his wake like a magnet resolutely. Roddy felt his shoulder's sink in defeat and slowly be moved to hop over a break in the wall and sink down behind it dimming his optics. Lowering his forehead against his knees, his arms moved to hug his legs just tight enough where he formed a ball, but he didn't make a sound. So much for finally finding the nerve to tell him…

"We need to talk." He could hear the almost identical shuffle of feet behind him as they came to a halt. Sideswipe broke the silence first only to be cut off by the irritated voice of his lover.

"Is that what we need? Because I think we need you to stop following me around." Hot Rod could hear the sneer in Sunstreaker's voice. The absolute grating of sound from his vocalizer sent a chill up Roddy's spine even when Sideswipe hurried to interrupt his brother.

"I just want you to listen-"

"Leave me alone Sideswipe." Hot Rod found himself halting all air flow in his systems, praying to Primus that the red warrior would listen… but it seemed Primus never did listen to him anyway.

"I've been trying to find the right time. I want to talk to-" The pleading sound in Sideswipe's voice caused his spark to stutter over a pulse. In all his time with Sunstreaker, the only thing other than Hunter that he'd learned to fear was Sideswipe when it came to his lover. And right about now… he wished he wasn't there to hear any of this. Because ignorance was bliss...

Quiely shifting, he moved his hands to press over his audios while neatly bending his body even more until his head nearly wedged between his knees. Little bits and pieces of their conversation bled through by vibration on metal as his processor screamed for air to ventilate overheating systems. He should turn off his audios… but his aching spark was torn between wanting to turn them off and listen.

"What they did to you… I can't imagine what it was like." As that one line hit him, Hot Rod had to fight himself not to choke on the sweeping desire to purge. Sideswipe didn't have a clue to the pain… he'd not seen it… not felt the agony pouring off of Sunstreaker even when he stood so tall sharing his mind and body with that human. As Sideswipe tried to reason out how it must have felt, Hot Rod tried to drown him out. And just when he was about to turn his audios off, he felt the anger rippling from his lover as he cut him off.

"No! You don't get to do this! This has nothing to do with any of this. This has nothing to do with now. I told you—I told all of you—I never wanted to talk about that again. I told you. What they did… don't ever bring this up again. Ever!" The sheer pain, the agony that ripped through him with each word, sent Hot Rod's spark reeling. Burning sadness shot from his chest into his optics and he felt the gathering of energon as it sheen over the light blue glass.

All of the pain he felt coiled up in his chest so tightly, forced him to roll as quickly as he could to his side and purge the contents of his tank onto the floor. Staring blankly at the sickly deep hues of partially processed energon, he offlined his optics and hugged himself about his chest. The memories of that place… of seeing the mangled head of his lover caused him to shake, and had he not overrode his vocalizer he would have given a groan as he tried to fight back the wave of sickness.

In one fell swoop, the realization ran through him like a systemic virus. Things weren't ever going to be like they were. Pushing up from the ground, his limbs shook from the drain of energy that rolled through his systems. Sunstreaker was gone. All chances of telling him how he felt were gone.

Sideswipe effectively shot him down without even trying.

-+-

When the waves of nausea passed, he'd drug himself up onto his feet only to sit near the scientist gone sniper. Picking at rubble on the perch, he softly flicked them off the edge and watched them trickle to the ground then tumble over the ground. Everything inside felt emptied out and lost. It felt like the atmosphere was closing in on him and crushing the ventilation system. Tipping his head to look at his foot, he tried to shake off a pebble that had landed on it idly.

"You're fidgeting."

Turning his head, he looked at the normally silent sniper and allowed his optic ridges to rise a bit. He attempted a smile, but the look on Perceptor's stoic face told him he wasn't buying it. "Maybe I'm bored?"

"Your energy field is weak and fluctuating. That is not boredom." Perceptor barely glanced at him a moment longer before looking out over the horizon again.

Laughing just barely, he shook his head. Perceptor could read him like a book and it slightly unnerved him. Just a little… because he'd caught the other in a similar daze to his own when he'd look for just a bare glimpse of the scout now out there in danger. Time made him like Drift, and he'd stood up for him because of that. And besides, any mech that could save Perceptor from death and continue to urge the other to live… couldn't be a bad guy. "Hey Percy… is it ever too late?"

"Part of me says yes. But the part of me that remembers that I am still standing here… says no." Roddy listened to the soft accented words before smirking at the fact that it was the longest sentence he'd heard in a while. "Hot Rod… considering the circumstances…"

Whatever Perceptor had meant to say was lost as a tall figure stopped in front of them. Lifting his head to look up at the formidable figure, shadows outlined handsome features even as the deep frown caused ripples of tension through the lines of his face. Sunstreaker looked like his spark had been ripped out and stepped on by a gestalt. For a long moment they stared at each other and it was making Hot Rod's spark quiver in his chest as he tried to say something, anything to the distraught looking mech.

"Come with me." Sunstreaker spoke flatly to Hot Rod, then looked up to Perceptor who only glanced long enough at him to nod and return to his duty.

Rising to his feet quickly, he waited for Sunny to turn and start walking off in a direction away from the others. The other said nothing, but the tension and the slow slump of his shoulders caused Hot Rod to want to reach out and touch him. His hand rose slowly even as the cold despair of before clawed at his spark. When had Sunstreaker stopped walking? The silver appendage was pressed softly to the back of the other's forearm, trembling as though afraid of his lover's reaction.

What was only astroseconds felt like an eternity before yellow fingers reached back and slid over that hand. Before his processor could put words together, Sunny turned and pulled him hard into his arms. Pressing his face into the curve of Roddy's neck, he cycled air heavily against Hot Rod's neck.

Slowly reaching up, Roddy slid the hand not captured against his lover along the back of his helm. Softly tracing the curves of the helm, he tipped his head to softly kiss along the helm vent and the edges of his lover's helm. Words evaded him so he simply spoke with his actions as his hand came to rest on the back of Sunny's neck to rub through the wires lovingly.

"You wanted to talk…" Sunstreaker's voice prompted him to talk as he finally moved his head and started kissing along his neck with feather lightness. "Your energry field is…"

"I know… Perceptor already pointed that out." Smiling a little, he pulled back and moved so that their foreheads were pressed together. "I don't know if now is a good time to…"

"Now is the only time, Hot Rod… don't you get it?" Sunny narrowed his optics a little then sighed as his expression seemed to darken in sadness. "Please…"

"Please? That's not easy for you to say." Sighing softly, he moved the hand from Sunny's neck to caress his cheek. "I guess circumstances as they are… later may not come, huh?"

"Che… way to go captain obvious." Snorting a little, he finally nuzzled his nose against Roddy's and brushed their lips together. "Make me think of something else."

"I… I don't know…" Roddy hedged as the desire to say it came, but he felt the fear flare in his chest choking back his confidence.

"Spit it out. Seriously, Roddy… sometimes you're an idiot. You'll crash yourself on a planet with a meteor shower, but you won't tell me whatever you're thinking." Staring at him sharply, he started to pull away. "Forget it."

"I love you."

Sunny froze half way in the process of unweaving himself from Hot Rod. His optics nearly bled all of the aqua out as they brightened. After a long moment of fear causing his tank to surge and churn again, Hot Rod felt his optics stinging again. This had been a mistake. The courage and desire… what were they all for?

"I know."

"What?" Roddy's optics flared this time in surprise before they darkened and narrowed as the fear bled into anger. "Really?"

"No." Sunstreaker smirked a little in response to the anger and looked away silently. "Not really." His brow furrowed and his jaw tightened while Hot Rod watched him. Roddy could almost hear the thoughts in that processor as he seemed to let it sink in. Finally he turned to look at Hot Rod with a piercing gaze. "Why?"

"What do you mean, why?! I don't think love has a rhyme or a reason." Glaring a little, he finally sighed as Sunstreaker's expression seemed to darken as though he were completely withdrawing from the outburst. "Sunny… In all my life… you're the only one that drives my spark crazy. If it would make you believe me, I'll march out there and tell all of them, reputation and military status be damned."

As those words hung in the stagnant air, he saw a soft curl of his lover's lips in a bare hint of a smile. Sunstreaker stepped closer and slowly slid his hands over Roddy's cheeks as he leaned down to lightly touch their lips together in an almost kiss. "Don't. That's not necessary. And before you jumped to any stupid conclusions as you're prone to… it's not because I am ashamed of you." Lifting an optic ridge, he let out a warm sigh through his lips letting the heat slide over Roddy's face. "I want to tell you to forget it. Because I'm no good. I'm broken."

The cold words made him shiver, but he didn't back down. "Slagger. You're neither of those things."

"You more than anyone… know the truth."

"But I love you anyway…" Hot Rod's shoulder's sank at this and he slowly tipped his head down dimming his optics. Half rejection hurt just as much as full rejection. Attempting to move away, defeat loomed imminent before him and he didn't want Sunstreaker to see him when he broke down again.

"Yeah… sucks doesn't it?" Yellow hands gripped his shoulders and pulled him back against the yellow chestplate. Metal creaked and gave soft whines as Sunny hugged him close. His plating all but quivered as lips slid over his audio. "You've always had me. I only wish I weren't a selfish aft and held onto you when I should have shoved you away in the beginning when I started realizing you meant more to me."

"What?" Roddy's head shot up and he stared in surprise into the carefully constrained expression on the warrior's face.

"I should have pushed you away when I realized I loved you. Because I'm going to hurt you." Lips found Roddy's forehead and kissed the elaborate helm before Sunstreaker moved back. Thumbs slid down over his lover's cheeks before he let go. "But I'll be damned if I let it go unsaid at least once. Cause you're the stupid type of slagger that will be wreckless and broken if you never knew. You're such a masochist."

He couldn't help the small small as he swung to softly punch his lover in the shoulder. "Aft."

"You picked me. It's your own fault." Smirking a little, Sunstreaker rocked back and slowly looked Roddy over. The intense gaze was making him feel like butterflies were fluttering in his chest. Giving him a quizzical look, Sunny's voice was soft in answering. "Hate me."

"What?" His optics flared a little at the soft words and the complete turn in the feelings they finally voiced. "I can't hate you…"

"You have to." Darkened aqua optics met his own sending a chill down his spinal unit. "Just forget it for now." Letting out a gusty sigh through his vents, Sunstreaker leaned in and kissed his lips. Roddy returned it softly and smiled just a little as his lover pulled away. The warrior took a step back before slowly pushing past him barely whispering one last statement as he slid by. "I hope you forgive me someday."

Furrowing his brow, he pressed a hand to his chest while turning to watch his lover walk away. The mix of anxiety and happiness making him feel sick again. Why did everything make him so confused when it came to his lover? Like… a carousel. Sighing, he turned fully and fell into step behind the yellow mech watching him with softened optics. And this time, he didn't care if anyone caught him staring.

-+-

Running. Always running for their lives in order to survive. Maybe surviving remained their only function after all they'd gone through. Speeding down the eroded streets, he kept pace with the fleeing group even though his tank protested in earnest. At some point he'd managed to drag himself out of hiding and rejoin the others only to be told to move out.

Fuel pump racing, it caused his processor to ache. Focusing on anything but Kup's words turned out to be too much for him to handle right then. Running on empty but finding the strength to survive. Internally he smirked. That was the Autobot way.

In the torrent, all he heard was the sharp cry of the scientist gone sniper as he took a hit. Wheels swerved only to have Springer chastise him. "Keep moving!" How did Springer always sound so together?

Screeching to a halt as they reached the base, he transformed and hopped onto Roadbuster to help them get Perceptor inside. Lifting the light frame, he hopped from the larger bot ushering him inside to Ratchet. Setting him down just inside, Ratchet knelt on the other. "Dart…"

The medic's brow furrowed as he began to scan his vitals. Soon nimble red fingertips plucked the dart from the slender neck. "Will he be all right?"

"Just a neural net toxin… It was only enough to push him into stasis." The doctor never looked up as he worked. For some reason, it only made him feel more useless than he already did.

"What the frag are they doing?!" Lifting his head at the shout, he pegged the voice to Cliffjumper. With Perceptor down, he wondered what Kup would do… Rising to his feet, he jogged out gazing at his leader only to see his scowl pointed to the bridge. Following that gaze, his spark plummeted within his chest. Ironhide stood on the bridge tugging at the golden frame of Sunstreaker.

Flicking his gaze up further to the swarm, they gushed toward those figures with neck breaking speed. His legs set into motion before his processor could even fully comprehend what was going on. Though, before he could even set foot on the bridge, a strong hand grabbed his forearm sharply.

"No."

His upper body turned to see his best friend digging his fingers into the red armor of his arm. "Let go, Springer!"

"You're not going out there." Narrowed optics dimmed as his grip threatened to break through his plating.

Gritting his dental plating, he ripped about yanking at the grip only to feel seams give but Springer wouldn't release. Frantically he move to try and pry the silver fingers off of him as he looked back just in time to see Ironhide collapsing and Sunstreaker bending over. "Springer!"

A quick glance to the former Wrecker commander revealed a bowed head, hiding steely optics just under the ridge of his helm. His spark clutched in his chest as he squeezed at Springer's hands. Burning pricks in his optics blurred his vision as his vocalizer cracked. No… not now. Not when he'd just gotten the other to admit! "Please!"

Springer's head turned away, looking off to the side and away from his friend and the scene that quickly became dire. His knees began to quake even as Drift dragged Ironhide onto his back and sped away. Staring in abject horror, the blue hue faded from bright optics as shadowed figures covered the brilliant golden frame. "Please…"

'I'm sorry…'

The soft, quiet tone of his lover's voice broke through the shock, but before he could even realize the private comm. had been opened, the flare from Sunstreaker's blaster flashed in his optics. It was a mere prelude to the fiery explosion that followed engulfing everything. Debris crumbled down into the trench, fiery chunks of metal and unidentifiable pieces of the slain lit the darkened pit as they descended. His head lowered and watched as feeling began to fade in his legs.

All that he could feel was the sharp choking pain in his chest as his knees gave out. Strong hands braced his waist as Springer relented the grasp on Roddy's punctured arm. Had Springer not grabbed him, he would have fallen to his knees. The murmur of sound behind him caused his hands to coil into fists at his side, but he couldn't hear their words.

Whatever they had to say… didn't matter.

Sunstreaker was gone.

Sunstreaker wasn't coming back.

His body swayed and fell back into the broad chest of the Wrecker crew's former leader as he continued to stare at the black emptiness where the bridge once was. Dark… cold… emptiness.

"But why…?"

Hands tightened on his hips reminding him of where he stood. Optics darkened as Springer finally said something after denying him the right to go after his lover. "He probably had a good reason."

"Shut up! You have no right! You have no idea what he was like!" Ripping away from the green mech, he whirled about to glare at him as momentum caused his footing to falter. "How could you?!"

"How could I not?" Lowering his head, Hot Rod couldn't see the look on the normally hardened expression. But the small sound to a normally strong tone caused the anger to melt away back into his despair. Lifting a hand to his chest, he pressed at it trying to hold something in that felt like it was running away.

Vocalizer cracking, he dizzily swayed backward narrowly catching his fall on a piece of debris. Even still his processor spun the vertigo and helplessness eating away at logical thought as he pulled his other arm up to hug himself. "He's gone…"

Springer's steps could be heard as he moved closer; the normally solid stride seemed to falter. Finally he turned and sat down next to Hot Rod. It morbidly amused him how the other so easily played off not noticing the quaking… How could he be so calm?

"Roddy… Are you ready to let them all know how you felt about him?" Springer carefully chose his words as he leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. "I don't know… if you're ready for that…"

Hot Rod lowered his helm staring at the dirty metal beneath his feet. Everything was spinning and had he anything left in his tank… he would have purged it all out. Not moments before he'd been ready to tell the world… but now? "No…" They didn't deserve to know. They had no right to know about something so precious to him… and he couldn't bear the questions. He couldn't bear not having any answers… Why? You fragging, glitch! Why?! WHY? How could you say you love me, then do this?!

Ducking his head down, he curled his hands over his helm trying to drown out his internal screams. Springer moved uneasily and he knew the other grappled with his own personality as he looked for something to say. "Seeing him of all mechs here… guess it was like a dream…"

"A dream…" The sound of his voice was off key as his mind wrapped around the concept. His chest began to burn furiously and soon crawled its way up into his throat. He only laughed. Disembodied and detached, the hysterical chuckle sounded nothing like him… when did he turn out this way?

"Roddy?"

Still chuckling to himself, his arms hugged about his chest. A twisted smile pulled at his lips almost causing a sneer of bitterness as his optics darkened to a midnight hue. "All my dreams… turn into nightmares…"

You're so melodramatic…

-End-