Chapter 17: Glass Power

XxXxX

"My God. I can't believe it's happening. I mean, this is weird, even for us!" Ryuzaki said in surprise, squinting at a letter in her hands.

"Why, what happened?" they asked, though they were just relieved that she was so absorbed that the whip lay forgotten by her side. Abruptly, she folded the letter and tucked it into her pocket. "I have an announcement!" she cried. "Apparently all the rest of fandom is ever more sadistic than I am, because they've agreed with my decision for what to do in the fourth challenge!"

"Yeeeeeeee---aww, no," everyone groaned as they thought it was going to be good news but were sorely disappointed.

"Does this mean I can have my belt back?" Touji, who was holding his pants up on both hips, asked irritably.

"What? Yeah, whatever. I guess we're done with the whipping for now…" she said, tossing it down to him. "But everyone pay attention, because I think this is one of the most poignant and interesting ideas I've ever had for a challenge! It's so good it almost gives me goosebumps!"

"You say that every single time," Tezuka pointed out, while everyone else rolled his eyes. "Yet the challenges only ever get worse and worse."

"Well, I'm serious this time!" she snapped. "Do you want to know how good it is? It's so good that there's no way that anyone who doesn't have a good sense of humor couldn't not like it!"

There was silence for a few moments. There were so many negative particles in that sentence that nobody could really understand what it meant. However, that had been Ryuzaki's goal, so she continued.

"Really, it's going to be super fun. However, I've decided that this challenge is for people who have glasses."

"I have some," Ichiuma said, withdrawing two wine glasses from his backpack.

"People who wear glasses, moron," Shishido hissed, hitting him on the head while everyone else slapped their foreheads.

"Oh…" he replaced the glasses.

"Right. Well, as I was saying before Ichiuma lowered everyone's IQ," Ryuzaki continued, "this is a challenge offered solely to the people here who wear glasses."

"Why do you say 'offered' when it's obvious that everyone hates these challenges?" asked Momoshiro.

"Because you touch yourself," she said. "Now shut up. This is going to be one of the most super special awesome challenges ever. Those five of you who have glasses are lucky."

Oshitari raised his hand. "I only wear glasses for the smart-person effect," he said. "I don't actually need them and the lenses are just clear glass. Do I have to participate?"

She thought about it. "Yes."

"God damn it." he said.

"Wait, then why doesn't Touji have to participate?" Gakuto called from the sidelines, in defense of Oshitari.

"These are sunglasses, you douche. Take a good look." Touji said defensively, tapping his horrible bright green and blue sunglasses.

"Actually, the only reason I'm not making you compete is because whoever sold you those atrocities obviously robbed you," Ryuzaki said to Touji, grimacing. "Therefore, you've already been punished for them once."

"What!?" Touji asked flabbergasted. "What are you talking about?! These are the most badass sunglasses ever! Even Kamio said they were manly!"

"I was being sarcastic Touji..." Kamio muttered, looking shocked. "Man...this whole time you thought I actually liked them?"

"I'm so glad I wear contact lenses," Ryou said, observing of all this madness that he had just narrowly avoided as Touji and Kamio started arguing in the background.

"So all the people with glasses line up," Ryuzaki ordered. "And Echizen, too."

Echizen didn't even try to fight it this time. He was used to it.

The boys with eyeglasses rumbled and grumbled and eventually formed a sloppy line in front of Ryuzaki. It consisted of Tezuka, Inui, Yagyuu, Oshitari, Some Random Guy From St. Rudolph that no one had ever taken the time to learn the name of, and Echizen.

"Hmm, I somehow thought it would be more people," Ryuzaki said contemplatively, looking down the line of only six boys, one of whom didn't even have glasses. "I wonder if I should extend the category…"

"NO!" everyone bellowed, and surprisingly, she just shrugged. "Fine then. I am pleased to announce that you lucky four-eyed boys have the privilege to participate in…"

Dramatic pause.

"The Murder Challenge!"

Silence on the set. A breeze from the open door ruffles the hair of the boys. A tumbleweed rolls by.

Tezuka: …

Inui: …

Yagyuu: …

Oshitari: …

St. Rudolph: …

Echizen: …

After this silence had persisted for over a minute, Ryuzaki finally broke it.

"….haha, just kidding!" she said.

Another pause.

"You weren't kidding, were you?" Tezuka asked shrewdly.

"No, not really." She shook her head. "But I was kind of hoping you guys would be more enthusiastic!"

"…about a murdering challenge?" Inui's voice was level, but if one listened carefully, there was a hint of panic in it. Actually, the only person who didn't seem at all nervous was Oshitari, who looked pleasantly surprised by the announcement of the challenge.

"Coach Ryuzaki, this is immoral," the guy from St. Rudolph said. "We cannot have a murdering challenge! I understand that you hate us, but this crosses the line!"

"Who is this guy?" Ryuzaki asked in bewilderment, gesturing at the guy who had spoken. She looked over at the rest of Cauliflower questioningly.

"Beats me," said Yukimura, shrugging.

"I've been on your team since day one!" the kid shouted. "My name is Nomura!" he looked frantically at Yuuta. "You know me!"

But Yuuta just shrugged as well. "Doesn't ring a bell."

"I've been on the St. Rudolph tennis team for three years!" he screamed.

"Well, I don't know who he is, but I'm going to call him Rudolph," said Ryuzaki plainly, shrugging. "And apparently he's competing since he has glasses."

Nomura looked close to tears, but they moved on since there were other people with more valid concerns at the moment.

"How is this legal?" Inui asked. "This is a foul and unnatural challenge!"

"Oh, don't worry about that; we're going to make it fun," said Ryuzaki said hurriedly.

"How can you possibly make murder fun?" Tezuka asked. "It's a terrible thing! Not to mention thoroughly illegal!"

"Actually, I find murder mildly funny as it is," said Oshitari, earning him several curious looks.

"Oh, will you all quit freaking out?" Ryuzaki exclaimed. "It's not like you're going to be killing people you care about!"

"Oh, well THAT makes it SO much better!" everyone screamed.

"I refuse to compete," said Inui flatly. He took a step back.

"Oh, really?" Ryuzaki asked. "Well, fine then. In that case, I officially announce the Japanese Middle School Tennis Champions to be Rikk—"

"NO!" Inui shouted. "How can you do this? You can't hold the championship over our heads to force us to compete in a murdering challenge!"

"Will you at least let me explain it before you get your panties all in a twist?" Ryuzaki snapped. "Now listen to me. This is not conventional murder. Your……targets, as we'll call them, are going to be things that people have been trying to get rid of for ages anyway. So it's more like you're doing the world a favor."

Contemplative moment.

"…things?" said Oshitari asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"…trying to get rid of for ages?" Yagyuu added.

"…carrot sticks?" asked Echizen, since he hadn't had a line yet.

"Yes," said Ryuzaki. "This is one of the most interesting challenges because it's only half a crime. The other half is great good deed to humanity and all of mankind!"

"Humanity and mankind mean the same thing," Yanagi said.

Ryuzaki shot him a glare, but Echizen saved the day by raising his hand.

"Can you be more specific? What kind of things are we supposed to murder?"

"Here." She pulled a black top hat out of nowhere, as this was her nature. "In this hat, there are several folded slips of paper naming some of the most annoying animated characters or creatures ever to existed that everyone wishes would just disappear. You'll each choose one of them at random, and then you have to try to kill your person. Got that?"

"Wait a minute…question." Yagyuu interrupted, as something occurred to him. "How are we supposed to kill them if they're animated characters? I mean, they don't technically exist, do they?"

"Well, that's why it's a challenge!" Ryuzaki said brightly. "Come on, otherwise it would be too easy!"

Everyone exchanged confused looks. The instructions made no sense.

"Now come up here to select your person!"

Everyone sighed, but they knew that there was no point arguing, so with a certain level of trepidation, they all stepped forward and one by one, took slips of paper out of the bag.

"I think this might be the most bloodthirsty challenge we've had yet," Yukimura said in a tone of polite interest as he watched from the sidelines. "I do wish I could have competed."

Sanada looked at him. "Yukimura, sometimes you scare me," he said frankly.

"Then I'm doing my job." He smiled.

"And just for the record, that's the first and last time anyone will EVER say he wishes he could have competed in a challege!" Marui added in response to the way Ryuzaki had looked around in interest at hearing Yukimura's words.

The camera stayed on Marui for a moment too long. He looked around nervously. "Oh great, did I just foreshadow at something?"

Back at the ranch, the people with glasses had finished picking their papers.

"Can I ask why you delegated this challenge to people with glasses?" Eiji asked. "I mean, aren't people with glasses usually nerds and therefore less likely to behave riskily by murdering someone?"

"Yeah, that's why it's funny," said Ryuzaki crossly. "It's irony, see?"

"You're kidding. You do irony?" they asked in surprise.

"Of course! You didn't think I just pick the groups of delegates at random, did you? I always think about irony and symbolism and all that crap! Good Lord, there might even be a little alliteration…" she trailed off thoughtfully and saw that everyone was looking at her expectantly. "Well, what are you waiting for? Open your papers!"

They took deep breaths and after exchanging nervous looks, opened their slips of paper. Looks of surprise, confusion, and disbelief crossed all of their faces. In that order, too.

"…well, what did you get?" Ryuzaki barked impatiently. "You are to announce your targets now."

"….the Cheetos Cheetah," said Tezuka blankly, staring at his paper.

"Oh, good, I hate that guy," said Ryuzaki cheerfully. "He's always talking about how cheesy everything is, but he's the cheesy bastard! Now we'll never have to hear his stupid commercials again. How about you, Rudolph? What'd you get?"

"The energizer bunny," Nomura said darkly. He was still pissed off that nobody remembered him.

"Now what did he ever do?" they all wondered aloud, Ryuuzaki included.

"What do you mean? You wrote these!" Ichirou shouted, flailing his arms.

"Quiet. What about the rest of you?" asked Ryuuzaki.

"Ronald McDonald," said Oshitari.

"Awwwww…." whined Kirihara, who had suddenly regained consciousness, from the background, "I love Happy Meals!"

"Nope, Ronald's got to go," Jackal agreed, nodding sagely. "The guy's got more sex offenses than every other pedophile in the U.S. combined."

No one asked how Jackal knew this.

"May I ask how the hell I'm supposed to kill the Tiger from Frosted Flakes?" asked Inui calmly, pushing his glasses up his nose.

"You think you've got it bad?" Yagyuu looked pissed. "I got the Microsoft Paperclip!"

There was silence. "Who's that?" Momoshiro finally asked what everyone was wondering.

"You know!" exclaimed Ryuzaki vehemently. "The annoying paperclip that no one likes because it's always telling you what to do when you're working on a Microsoft document! It checks your grammar, spelling, diction, formatting, and offers suggestions to improve your writing."

"…"

"…..and yet we want to kill it." Yagyuu said, just to clarify.

"Yes. It's annoying," said Ryuzaki definitively. "Never shuts up."

Yagyuu shook his head silently, and Ryuzaki took that as a sign of acceptance, so she moved on.

"Well, I trust that now everyone sees how bothersome these animated victims are, we can't deny that they deserve to die," Ryuzaki said. "Meaning that this challenge is legitimate. You all have your victims and you have one week to kill them."

"Only?" asked Tezuka sourly.

"It should be plenty!" she exclaimed. "These things take planning, but you don't want to over-think it. This challenge is very open in terms of format; you can get the job done however you want as long as it is finished. At the end you will be scored by how well planned and neatly the job was done."

She paused for breath.

"And…I think that's it. Are there any questions? Comments? Problems?"

"Can we have our teammates help us like last time?" Oshitari asked.

She thought about it. "Yeah…I suppose that's acceptable. And since it's such a touch challenge, I'll even let people on the same team share helpers. Anything other questions?"Then she suddenly realized something. "Echizen, you haven't spoken this whole time! You didn't even tell us your victim; is there a problem?"

"…yes," said Echizen, looking up from where he had been eerily silent for the last five minutes, staring at his piece of paper with a blank look on his face, "Yeah, I've got a goddamn problem!"

"Well, what is it?" she asked impatiently.

Echizen flashed his slip of paper at her. "I got myself!"

There was dead silence.

Then as if on cue, everyone burst into wild laughter. However, Ryuzaki remained serious.

"I already explained the rules of this challenge," she said simply to Echizen, "you are required to carry out the task I have given you."

"But how can I kill myself?!" he shouted.

"You'll find lots of answers to that question if you look hard enough," said Ryuzaki calmly. "Now, if no one else has any questions that don't suck, I'd like to dismiss you all for the day."

"Yippee!" everyone cried, starting to scatter immediately. Even the people who had been assigned to the fourth challenge didn't seem to upset, because at least they had a week before they had to seriously worry about it.

Echizen just stayed behind, gaping wordlessly at his paper.

ooo

a/n

Oh, how we all detest the Microsoft Paperclip.