I apologize for updating this fic in such small bits...but I guess it's better then no updates at all...please do not scream at me...and thank you for those wonderful reviews!

Author's notes:

I did some minor editing that I had previously overlooked…

WARNING! (ONLY FOR READERS ABOVE 18 OF AGE) This short story contains offensive materials. It explores the taboo incestuous relationship between siblings, and has very dark themes. Please do not read if you are uncomfortable with such issues. :

Summery: A love that could never be…but he will keep pushing until everything crash.

Quiet transition

Defining moment

Rapture in our eyes

Desire's path that leads

Our footsteps it calls

And lost a guiding hand

The pull and push

Run and stop

I follow you fall

You want I refuse

Molding against

Your intrinsic form

To join in ecstasy

Only to experience

A separation of pain

- Trial of Ash

I dreamt while awake dreaming of you and dreams of you I will still have, even unto death I go…– Trial of Ash

It's Never Over

Lust.

That word should be so forbidden and definitely not to be linked with a man he calls brother. But the man with red eyes and sun bronzed skin was all he could think of day and night, in and out.

He knows he is sick and he needs help.

He doesn't want it.

It feels good. It felt even better when he is touching himself with the thoughts of his hands on him. Fay smiled obdurately, he could not even muster the shame he should be feeling while harboring such iniquitous thoughts. How did he become so depraved? He is debased and worse than the animals in the wild where sexual activities are indeterminate in their world. He was so cursed with this affliction that he could not even think of falling in love with anyone else. Every time when sex occurs no matter who it is with, their faces, voices and the heat of their body will never be that of their own.

It will be always him.

It could only be him.

Why is it so hard to think of him only as his brother? He will never have to endure such unhappiness if he could keep his feelings under wraps, and feel only kinship instead of always being needy of skinship. It was a torture to keep dissociated with the wants of his body but everytime when he is aroused, the truth would hit him with sparkling clarity. His want for him will never abate, no matter how much he satiates himself in whichever ways, or, with how many people.

The attempts of sublimation towards his desires are an utter failure, the intuitive attraction of a blood tie had been completely twisted by his psyche, and he realized a long time ago that this demon within him is not one he is keen to fight against…

ooooooooo

Kurogane shifted his bottom on the cold cement floor and tsked aloud irritably. His brother had better get his ass home right this minute because he is sure he will freeze to a premature death if he sat here any longer. He cussed inwardly to himself because he would never be here if not for mother's prodding. He is sure that at an age of twenty – two, the skinny ass bastard could take care of himself well enough.

But on the other hand, it is also true that Fay hadn't been looking his finest ever since he moved out of the family home.

When had everything changed? They used to do everything and anything together. There used to be a time when Fay would look at him with utter adoration and admiration when he helped solved one of his problems, caused mostly by the insignificant insecurities of a small child. But as they grew older, subtle changes took place. He does not really know what it was, but friendly competition soon turned into bitter rivalry and then a full blown war that had both brothers at each others' throat. What was it were they fighting about again? Ahh…yes, chicks. He snorted as the memory of Fay hitting on his last girlfriend came to mind. He does not understand why fucking blondie had gone after every girl that he had dated only to tell him in the end that he was gay. What the hell was he thinking?

He turned his head around sharply as he heard the tumbling of a glass bottle and then a crush of metal tins before a familiar voice started cursing loudly, words slurred and sentences incomplete.

The dimwitted fairy was finally home.

oooooooooo

Fay squint his eyes and peered ahead into the darkness, wondering why the streetlamp was not working again before he realized that he had stupidly left his sunglasses on. He laughed and reached up to peel it off his face. It felt like it was stuck there, the sides clinging to his temples with cold clammy sweat. He wrapped his hand around the frame, took it off and threw it hard on the ground, forgetting that it is his favorite pair of Gucci in his drunkenness. There, discomfort say bye-bye, he thought, laughing again at how senseless that phrase sounds in his head.

He straightens himself as he reached into his bag, digging around trying to find the bunch of keys he had dumped inside before he left for work. In his fumbling, he failed to see the pile of rubbish bins infront of him. He crashed into them, a clumsy flailing of limbs and some very loud curses later, he was pulled out by a pair of strong hands, the familiar warmth singing his skin. Those hands and arms, they used to hug him with love, though it wasn't the kind of love that he sought for.

"You're pathetic." Kurogane said as he promptly let go of his brother when he thought he was able to stand properly again. The blonde tittered a little before stabilizing himself by clutching on to a muscular and well defined forearm.

"Am not…just out having fun…" Fay slurred his reply.

"Tell me if it's still fun when you wake with a hangover tomorrow morning?" Kurogane reprimanded without any real heat in his words, giving his brother a once over as well and frowning with minute disapproval at the clothes he was wearing. The too tight shirt that showed too much of his slender waist, and, the well sanded pair of vintage jeans that hung way too low on his hips, made Kurogane wondered if the tiny jacket draped over Fay's shoulder would provide any help in keeping the cold away. He could feel the tiny tremors of shivers from his brother's hand, presumably caused by the cold night air.

"Wat do ya care? Get lost!" Fay slurred again and leaned in toward Kurogane, catching the clean scent of aftershave, the familiar woody and spicy scent of Angel Schlesser Essential, his brother's favorite. He breathed in deep, brushing his forehead against the day old stubble on his Kurogane's chin, before he caught himself in the middle of the act and started to pull away.

"Mum asked me to check on you. Call her. She misses you." Kurogane said as he attempted to support his brother and take off his jacket as well.

"I'll…go away now…" Fay slurred some more as he shoved angrily at his brother, annoyed by the fact that Kurogane did not come of his own accord. But the strength of his shove unbalances him instead on his swaying feet and he found himself toppling over, landing hard on the granite tar ground on his behind, "ouch…" Fay mumbled dully as he let himself fall flat on his back, the world was spinning too fast and he didn't think he wants to get up anymore.

Kurogane sighed heavily and bent down to retrieve his brother's belongings which were strewn all over the place. He breathed out as he stood over his brother, looking at the stone drunk figure sprawled out in a undignified position in the middle of the road, and bent down to scoop him up in his arms.

"Pathetic." He mumbled to himself as he shook his head gently from side to side at his brother's antics, which strongly reminded him of an adolescent's behavior.

oooooooooo

Kurogane laid Fay on the bed cramped with dirty laundry gently before divesting the blonde of his clothes, and getting a wash cloth soaked with warm water to clean up his body. His brother reeked of smoke, alcohol and some other greasy smells he could not identify. He rubbed the wet cloth through fine flaxen hair, hoping that it would at least wipe off the odors a little. He noticed that Fay's hair was no longer as fine as it used to be, it was a little dry now from all the dying he has done. He never understands Fay's blonde obsession, but he had to agree that blonde hair does look better with blue eyes. He proceeded to clean up his face and body wiping off the remnants of cold sticky sweat, noting with dismay just exactly how skinny his brother has grown. He shifted, a tad uncomfortable at the sight of protruding hipbones and sharp points of shoulder blades. He felt an unexplainable guilt creep up to him and he knows that mom wouldn't like this at all.

"What have you been doing to yourself, baby brother?" Kurogane whispered as he brushed the soft strands of hair that fallen onto Fay's face away, Fay nuzzled into his palm easily, just like how he used to. Kurogane smiled and wondered if this is the kind of moments that he will get a glimpse of the brother he once knew.

He misses Fay so much. Their home had seemed so empty ever since the blonde moved away. Mom was upset of course but she is never the kind to clip the wings of her children. Dad reacted somehow differently, despite his anger he could also see relief etched into the deep lines of father's face. He could understand why dad was angry, but, relief? Although Fay had announced that he wanted to move out, he felt that he was the one who had driven Fay away, given his reaction when he was told in the face by the blonde himself that he was gay. But he meant nothing of what he had said that day. He was only hurt by the fact that Fay did not trust him enough to let him in on his life. He will never judge his brother like how others did, including his parents, especially dad.

"Kuro…" Fay murmured as his head tilted gently to the other side of the bed facing the wall, "Kuro..." Fay murmured again and shivered slightly.

Kurogane smile softly, pulled the blanket pooling at the foot of the bed and tucked it around his brother, watching the now peaceful features in sleep.

"I love you…Kuro…"

Kurogane still at those words, pursing his lips and frowning before his face broke into another gentle smile. He has not had an opportunity to apologize yet, but from those words, he surmised that baby brother does not hold much against him at all.

"I love you too, baby brother…" Kurogane said as he climbed onto the bed and curled up by behind Fay, falling into an easy slumber not too soon after.

oooooooooo

Fay woke up to a delicious warmth behind him. He knotted his brows perplexed and tried hard to remember if he had brought anyone back with him. But it didn't work because his head was thundering and pulsing with pain, and his mouth felt like it was stuffed full of cotton buds, and everything in his room looked too vivid at the moment. Oh, yes…a hangover…he groaned as he remembered that he was out of aspirins and painkillers.

"Hey…you…get out…" Fay mumbled as he nudged at the sleeping figure behind him with his elbows.

"Hey yourself...I took care of you last night, is this how you would repay me?' Kurogane teased as he sat up on the bed. He had woken up half an hour before baby brother did and would have left, but the temptation to see how Fay would be when waking up from such a bad night was too amusing to refuse. So he laid there on his side of the bed against the wall and waited patiently for Fay to wake up. The skinny figure tossed and turned restlessly even in deep sleep. Kurogane stretched out with his toes and rubbed his feet against his brother's calves, feeling the chill dissipate from his warmth. He noted absently that he should really get this apartment a warmer.

Fay shot up, scrambling out of bed as fast as he could, headache and what else completely forgotten when he heard that familiar velvety deep voice and the feel of his brother's feet against his skin.

"Fuck! What are you doing here?" Fay exclaimed loudly as he grabbed at the garment laying on the floor not bothering with how bad it actually smells and pulled it over his head, glad that he still had his briefs on and that he wasn't sporting morning wood.

"I prefer you drunk and out." Kurogane replied petulantly deliberately ignoring his brother's unreasonable behavior, unaware of exactly just how on edge he makes Fay feels everytime he is near, "you really aren't a morning person."

Fay stood and watched his brother throw the covers aside and swung his feet to the ground, almost naked saved for a pair of jeans that was hanging loose around his hips, rising with the innate grace of a feline from the bed, stretching his arms above his head yawning loudly at the same time. Fay swallowed hard at the vision of well defined muscles rippling beneath tanned skin at the movement. Such rare masculine beauty…so near but never his to touch and admire…

Kurogane arched an eyebrow as he caught his brother's admiring look, and flexed his biceps for the fun of it.

"Envious?" he asked as he sauntered past Fay in the tiny bedroom and headed for the washroom.

The bed warmed skin grazing past Fay's body in an innocently teasing manner had Fay biting his lips just to stay in control of his body's reaction. Fay immediately made a face in response to cover up for his slip, glad that Kurogane had not noticed anything amiss.

"Better clean yourself…you stink like hell." Kurogane muttered before turning into the bathroom.

The comment prompted Fay to sniff at himself and he vaguely remembered getting drunk at the club, then there was this annoying wimpy bastard who was trying to get under his pants and then he was walking home…did he fell at some point? He glanced at his knees and got his affirmation with the slight bruises showing.

"You carried me home?" he asked knowing how obvious that was with his brother in his bathroom as he walked out and sat on the corner of the armrest of the sofa, that position offered him a view into the bathroom. He continued to admire his brother's body knowing that his brother will not be able to tell what he was looking at from the mirror.

"Mmhumm…" came the muffled reply as Kurogane brushed his teeth.

Fay cringed inwardly and wondered if he had said anything incriminating during his bout of drunkenness, not that he was prone to shouting out his secrets when he was drunk but he can never be too careful. But from the way Kurogane was acting this morning, he didn't think he had let slipped anything.

"Could you not use my toothbrush? It's unhygienic." He grumbled.

"Ha! Says the guy who lives in a rubbish dump." Kurogane retorted playfully after he had rinsed his mouth, "and it's not as if there are extras lying around." He continued after rinsing out his month. He grabbed at the face towel hanging from the towel rack and turned to look at Fay with a 'don't mind me look' as he dangled the towel between his fingers before drying his face with it.

"Sorry, can't stay to talk. I need to rush…I'm late and Tomoyo's gonna burst." Kurogane continued as he walked back to the bed and retrieved the tee-shirt he was wearing yesterday, gave it a sniff and pulled it over his head.

Fay followed his brother into the bedroom and stood against the door of the cupboard, watching him prepare to leave and wondered why he would be so foolish as to wake Kurogane up so soon. It is such a rare occasion that they haven't started arguing yet. But then, most of the anger had disappeared after such long absences from each other's life. Actually he hadn't been that mad with Kurogane at all, even if the words he said hurt. But Fay knows that was a natural reaction caused by his 'surprise'.

"Hey…" Kurogane said as he stepped up to Fay and bent down a bit to look him better in the eyes, blues eyes so different from his own red ones. He used to think they were ugly when he was younger, until Mother had explained that it was a pigmentation disorder that caused his eyes to turn into such a unique shade. Still, he hadn't really accepted it till some chicks mentioned that it made him look intense and mysterious, "remember to give mum a call alright, and clean up this place for the love of god." he smiled good-naturally and patted Fay on the back before stepping out of the apartment.

Fay slide down against the door and cradled his face in the palm of his hands, and took a deep breath to clear his head.

For a moment, he wished that pair of eyes had been looking at him in a different way.

oooooooooo

Tomoyo waited for her boyfriend's explanation regarding his disappearance last night. She guessed as much on what might be going on. Miyaki had mentioned that she had sent her eldest son to his brother's place to send her regards, since Fay refused to pick up her calls again. The rest of the dancers brushed by them discreetly an quietly, not wanting to be involved in their domestic bickering.

"…"

"He got drunk last night and I stayed over to look after him." Kurogane said as he pulled up his tights and loose cotton shorts followed by an oversized white tank top. He dreads this kind of conversations because Tomoyo never did approved of his brother, seeing him as nothing better then an idler without ambitions or a drive for life.

She doesn't know him at all.

Tomoyo crossed her arms and tilted her upper body to peek past the curtains of the stage, watching the rest of the dancers stretch and attempt the maneuvers of some of the more difficult parts of the choreography. She tipped back again and reached out to finger a piece of lint on her boyfriend's head.

"I hate to tell you this but you should have realized by now that your brother has issues." She replied keeping her tone casual. She knows how much Kurogane hates it when people refer to his brother in anyway that sounds negative or offending. Still she noticed he couldn't keep himself from getting defensive.

"What…because he's gay?"

"Honey, that's not what I meant." She said gently trying to rein in her own temper. Despite the somewhat tumultuous relationship between the brothers, they stood firm in their loyalties to each other. She was clear on where Fay stands in her boyfriend's heart.

"Yeah...sorry." Kurogane said apologetically when he realized he was getting angry, "I know. I think he just needs some time…he doesn't really know what he wants in life yet."

Fay was living a lifestyle which tried very hard to show his independent, but if put into more accurate terms, one might say that he was putting on a farce, a paradox of solitude. Not to mention that he has a disturbing tendency to lash out at himself, since he was constantly in a self flagellation frame of mind.

Excuses, Tomoyo thought, He's always making excuses for him.

"He's offered a scholarship from Courtauld Institute in London! Courtauld! And he threw it all away…for what…those boys he fucked with? Why don't you tell me what he wants?"

Kurogane flinched visibly when he heard those words. He doesn't have any problems with his brother being gay but it was an entirely different thing to be reminded that he does sleep with other men. Somehow, the thought of someone else running their hands over Fay's skin sickens him greatly. He knows none of those men saw what his brother is. They were only in love with the shell and the pleasure of the flash of which his brother can provide but they weren't in love with him. He doubts there will be anyone who could truly see what his brother is or, who would be able to love him the way he…

No…it was not his business what his brother did with his private sex life. That was not within a brother's boundary to be concern about. He looked at Tomoyo, sure that his face was showing his displeasure at the way this conversation was going. He tried to think that she was just concern for him but the flippant way in which she said 'those boys he fucked with' got to him.

In a really bad way.

"Tomoyo, if you got to know him personally you would have never said that, that was an unfair statement. Very unfair."

Tomoyo's eyes shifted as she recognized the anger simmering under the calmness he was showing to her, knowing it was time for a conversation change because she was sure they were going to dive straight into a screaming match. Tomoyo took a deep breathe to calm herself down and nodded her head, she had no wish to air their private matters infront of the students.

"So is dinner still on tonight?"

"I'll see…" Kurogane replied as he ducked out from under the steel extensions of the fake stage and stalked towards the students, who were sitting outside waiting patiently for them to pick up where they left off the last lesson.

He didn't go to dinner with Tomoyo because he had no wish for a replay of their unpleasant conversation again, not for today at least. He had bought take away instead and was now outside his brother's dinghy apartment waiting for him to come home. At least he didn't have to wait as long as he did the last time.

Fay trotted up the staircase at exactly at eight fifty-five pm with a stranger, presumable a new boyfriend. He glared at the stranger, the man with white highlights on his head glared back. He didn't know why but he just dislikes the way that punk looks, what with his beady eyes and sloppy dress sense.

"Why are you here again?" Fay asked as he disengaged from Dean's arm, hoping his voice did not give away the surprise he was feeling within.

"I'm your brother, I can be here anytime I like." Kurogane replied with a steely edge lacing his voice, "infact, I will come every night just to make sure you don't mix with the wrong company."

"He's a good friend of mine…"

Dean narrowed his eyes at Kurogane and turned to Fay.

"I'd be going first, see you at the club first thing tomorrow evening right?" Dean said as he gave Fay a chaste peck on the lips and waved goodbye with two fingers without turning back.

"A Friend?" Kurogane said as he continued staring at the retreating back of Dean.

Fay snorted and pushed his brother aside so that he could unlock the door.

"Did mum ask you to come again?" Fay asked cautiously as he attempted a side way glance at his brother.

"I just wanted to bring you something. You look too ill for my liking." Kurogane replied as he let his free hand poke at Fay's waist and watched with amusement as he squirmed under the touch. It's always good to know some things never change.

"Oh…so you suddenly decided that you want to see your brother again?" Fay said voice full of sarcasm. But he was cheered irrepressibly within by the fact that his brother had came because he thought of him.

"Touché," Kurogane said in jest ignoring the jibe from his brother, "fine, I own you an apology for what I said that day. I'm very sorry and I didn't mean them."

"I wasn't that angry with you in the first place," Fay said as he peered into the paper bag his brother was holding in the cradle of his arms, the smell was making him salivate, "what did you get?"

"I've got some pasta, fish, dessert and some wine from your favorite restaurant, how does that sound for you?" Kurogane replied with a large grin.

"What's the occasion?" Fay asked with a frown wondering if he had forgotten any important dates.

"Can't I be happy that we having dinner together, and could you please let me in because it freezing out here?" Kurogane rushed as he pointed at the smoky breathes coming out of his mouth as he spoke.

Fay laughed as he swung the door opened and ushered his brother in.

"I see you clean up the place pretty well. Remarkable." Kurogane praised as he turned left and right to scrutinize the place.

"Well, I wouldn't want you to be nagging at me all the time." Fay said with a little pride visible in the manner of his answer as he took over the bag of food from his brother, placed it on the dining table before getting the dishes and cutleries from the tiny kitchen.

"I'm glad that we're talking again…I missed you a lot. We've missed you."

"It's only a couple of months, Kuro." Fay answered coolly desperately trying to quell the fluttering in his heart when he heard his brother say that he missed him.

Kurogane smiled and nodded his head.

"So it is."

oooooooooo

The brothers giggled and howled as the comedy played out on the television screen, their half-eaten dinner lying beside them on the floor, forgotten as they immersed themselves into the show. They were still wiping tears from their eyes when it ended.

"I haven't laughed so hard for a while." Kurogane said as he stood up to remove the dishes from the floor.

Fay smiled in reply and nodded his agreement too.

"It's a late don't you have to go?"

"Nah…I'm staying over tonight."

Fay stiffens as the thought of sharing the same bed with his brother made him feel uncomfortably hot.

"My bed's a rather tight squeeze…" Fay said haltingly.

Kurogane threw him a quizzical look.

"I slept well the other night." He said as he proceeded to divest himself of his tank top and jeans.

Fay looked away quickly and went to his bedroom to rummage for clothing that was big enough to suit him. He found a pair of shorts and tee shirt that a go-go boy, who was about the same build as Kurogane, had left behind. He threw it to Kurogane just as he walked into the bedroom; he muttered his thanks as he headed to the bathroom for a shower. By the time Kurogane came out of the bathroom, Fay was already curled up on one side of the bed, seemingly appearing to be asleep.

Kurogane went forward and nudged his brother.

"Hey…hey…"

"I'm not asleep." Fay deadpanned.

"Oh, that's great…then move over, I won't fit into that tiny space." Kurogane said pointedly as he looked at the less then ten inches of bed space his brother had so generously carved out for him.

"Don't you know how to take a hint?" Fay said as he pretended to look irritated, when all the while he was fervently praying for his brother to opt for the dingy sofa outside instead. He got more desperate when he saw that Kurogane was not wearing the tee shirt at all. He had forgotten in his nervousness that his brother always sleeps topless.

"Take it as payment to me for the dinner then…baby brother." Kurogane threw back as he bent and shove Fay roughly across the other side of the bed.

Fay couldn't stop the bubbling mass of laughter from bursting out at Kurogane's reaction, he slapped at his brother's arms in mock franticness still giggling at the same time.

"Did anyone tell you that fight like a woman?" Kurogane mocked even though he did feel the sting of those slaps. No matter how petite, baby brother is still a grown man after all.

"Well…Kuro-pii" Fay said as he deliberately let one of his wrists fall limp, and tuned his voice up an octave or so, "a proper queen would never raise his fists crudely without justifiable reasons." He continued with a mischievious wink of his sapphire eyes, and a very lady like swipe at the strands of hair that had fallen into his face.

Kurogane snorted and huffed as he shook his head and laid himself into a comfortable position on the bed but not before snatching an extra pillow from his brother, earning himself a very annoyed glare from Fay.

"I haven't heard you call me that for a long time now." He said.

"Yeah…you used to hate them…" Fay replied and Kurogane could hear the smile in his voice even though he wasn't looking at him.

"What were those names again?"

"You sure you wanna be reminded of them?" Fay asked in disbelief. He still remembered how mad Kurogane would get whenever he called him those silly mutations of his name. He laughed suddenly as a raging Kurogane with his kendo sword chasing after him around the house, popped up into his mind. He was so sure that his life would end that day. They would have continued the 'game' if not for their mother, who was screaming at the both of them when she discovered her favorite vase was smashed into smithereens on the living room floor.

"Not really…but it did remind me of happier times."

"Mmhumm…"

They left a long pause in between and Fay was about to dozed off to sleep when suddenly Kurogane spoke up.

"Why did you do that?"

Fay thought for a moment and frown wondering what could his brother be asking about.

"What?"

"Why did you hit on my girlfriends when you don't even like girls in the first place?"

Fay thought for a while trying to decide on the best way to answer the question, then he thought honesty might be the best way, just to figure out how his brother would react.

"I was jealous, insanely jealous. Everytime you got a girlfriend, they'll be all over you and you never had time for me when they were around."

"Is that it?" Kurogane asked and Fay tried not to let his disappointment get to him.

"Yeah."

Kurogane chuckled softly as he rubbed his knuckles into Fay's head.

"You don't have to because no matter what happens, you'll always be my baby brother. Alright?" Kurogane smiled and grinned, his pearly white teeth a strange silhouette against the dimness of the room.

"K…goodnight then" Fay replied and he watched his brother curled onto the other side to sleep more comfortably.

He kept awake watching his brother's back rise and fall as he breathed. When he was sure Kurogane's breath had even out and was fast asleep, he let his guard down. Fay raised a hesitant index and placed it gently against the spine of Kurogane, tracing the middle of that broad back ever so softly, feeling his impulsive heart beating with a hopeless kind of hope, feeling the curves and putting them into remembrance before withdrawing and shifting further away. Fay shut his eyes tightly. He was sure it was going to be a long restless night for him tonight.

Behind him, Kurogane's eyes were open as he stared into the darkness trying hard not to think about why his brother had caressed him like that, and why was that searing feeling still there long after Fay's fingers had disappeared.

oooooooooo

As it is, Fay realized he would be seeing his brother much more often than he would have expected. Kurogane soon settled into a comfortable routine, dropping by often at his place after rehearses or classes, stating that it was more convenient for him since his home was so close to the dance theatre. It got so frequent that Fay foolishly began to wonder if there were any problems cropping up with his latest girlfriend, Tomoyo, but Kurogane had assured him that it was not the case. He just wanted to catch up with him after the few months of absence. Fay just left it at that, unconcerned about anything as long as he got to see his brother again.

Tonight was no different when he came home from the club to find his brother waiting for him again, with his girlfriend in tow. He fidgeted as the three of them stood by the doorway. Kurogane anxious to see if Tomoyo had forgiven his brother for trying to hit on her, Fay was wondering what was her business to be here and Tomoyo had actually knew this whole thing was going to be this awkward.

"I just came by to say hi…I mean Kurogane said that you were doing pretty fine nowadays…"

"Yeah, I am…thanks for the concern."

"Aren't you going to invite us in?" Kurogane prompted, irked by his brother's constant lack of visitors etiquette.

"Sorry…I'm always forgetting my manners."

"You don't say." Kurogane retorted as Fay shot him a 'don't start with me' look.

Tomoyo smiled despite herself as she saw the easy interaction between the brothers. It was hard to maintain on friendly terms with siblings, which was something she never did managed with her own and somewhere deep inside her, it also sparked a certain amount of enviousness and jealousy.

Fay stepped aside as he let the couple into his humble abode first, though he really wished that Tomoyo would find some excuse to get lost so he could have his brother to himself. He sighed loudly when he caught himself having such inappropriate thoughts about his brother yet again…

"What's wrong?" Kurogane turned to ask.

"Erm…nothing, I was worrying if she's ok with the mess. I didn't exactly have the time to clean up."

"Sorry for the surprise."

"Don't be. It's not too much of one for me." Fay replied as he focused his eyes on Tomoyo, who like every other woman he knew, was already starting to snoop around the limited space of the apartment

Kurogane rolled his eyes and threw his head back a little.

"I thought you like her from the way you were treating her the last time you've met her." Kurogane queried with a curious smile.

"Play pretend?" Fay said with raised eyebrows and an overtly innocent smile.

"Pfft!"

All in all, the evening ended up fine with the three of them having pieces of light conversations and Tomoyo laughing with the enlightening anecdotes of her boyfriend's illustrious childhood. She had not expected her boyfriend to be such a prude when he was younger because he definitely wasn't now. She wondered briefly if it was because of Fay. They were such complete opposites, more different then day and night,

While Kurogane gave one the impression that he was of a silent, brooding, dark and mysterious nature, his real personality couldn't be further from that image. He was the elder brother with the sunny and playful disposition. And while Fay gave the impression of a bubbly and easygoing persona, his real self was much darker in reality. And Tomoyo thought that those bright blues eyes that always looked so guarded, seems to hold a plethora of secrets that the world was just itching to know.

Fay watched as Kurogane and Tomoyo kissed goodbye at the front door, it was a sight that made him extremely queasy but for some reasons he couldn't pull his eyes away. He wondered how it would feel like if it was him who was being held by those arms and being kissed right now. He felt the familiar tightening in his chest and realized that no matter how much his brother wished it to be, he could never give them his blessings and no matter how he or Tomoyo tried, they can never really be friends.

His narrow heart which was so deeply entrenched with love for his brother would never allow that.

Like a specter out of the past, he suddenly remembered the younger him who used to look on in secret behind hidden doors when his brother brings any of his girlfriends around. He remembers too the first time he saw someone French kissing, the way his brother enjoyed the girl in his arms and the sensual way their lips moved around each other's. How the sight of it turned his stomach and made him want to heave, and all of a sudden he found himself hating that girl for no reason. Primarily it was also because he couldn't understand why his brother should be so affectionate with someone else.

It was around that period that he found out exactly why and what had caused that strange curdling feeling when those strangers' lips touched his brother's. He realized he didn't want anyone to be kissing him…anyone else but him. As more memories materialized, he was reminded and more of that fruitless love he held for his brother. Irritated, he stepped back into the apartment closing the door with a loud slam, not bothering about how it would look like to Tomoyo and Kurogane.

The love birds were shocked into breaking the kiss when the door slammed. Tomoyo gave Kurogane an exasperated look and he shrugged and shook his head.

"I don't think I can ever understand him." Tomoyo said in a tone somewhat similar to resignation.

"It's not for you to worry anyway, go home and give me a call later ok?" Kurogane replied with a casual shrug of his shoulders as he pushed her in the butt in the direction of the staircase.

Tomoyo laughed as she waved goodbye and disappeared down the stairwell.

"What's wrong again baby brother?" he sighed as he opened the door.

Fay greeted him with a cold stare on the sofa. His helplessness in the situation with his brother fueling this blind anger he was feeling right now. He felt he had to hurt someone, to vent that frustration out. He knew he should have stopped Kurogane from coming back into his life then, he had been doing so well before he came back full of apologies and trying to make the relationship better once again. He doesn't want it. He didn't need the confusion or the constant ache that torments him every moment he was near Kurogane.

"Why are always coming here?" he asked immediately when Kurogane poked his head into the door. His tone carried with it the aggravation of a heart's disappointment.

Kurogane caught the tone but since he has no clue as to what might be bothering Fay, he did not place much concern towards it.

"I'm not in your way and besides I told you that I wanted to make up for what I said to you the last time."

"I'm not a kid anymore…I'm twenty-two years old and I can very well take care of myself." Fay leaned back onto the sofa and crossed his arms infront of him, the gesture seemingly a reinforcement of his need to guard himself.

"Take care of yourself…? Look at you, you're barely eating right and your friends, that is if they can be called friends, and your job keeps you practically on a diet of alcohol and cigarettes. Do you call that taking care of yourself?' Kurogane answered getting a bit flustered over the fact that he had no idea what this was about in the first place.

"Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough? I can take care of myself, which part of that sentence do you not understand!" Fay said almost yelling by now and his features were pulled tight together trying to hold himself back from erupting.

Kurogane was thoroughly agitated too by now.

"You think I like it? I can't choose who I have as a brother!" He yelled back before catching himself too late. The scathing and tactless words were out of his mouth before he could stop it.

Fay's eyes widen in shock and anger.

"Is that it then…huh?" Fay asked, his voice getting higher by the minute, "You can't choose who you have as a brother? Why are you such a hypocrite! Why the hell do you still come here every day acting like you are some kind of…you know what? I don't need this from you! I don't need this at all?" Fay was almost shouting by now as he grabbed his brother's jacket and threw it deliberately hard in his face and tried to shove his hulking frame out of his door at the same time.

"Come on…I'm sorry? We were just having a great time, where did all this anger come from?" Kurogane exclaimed as he put his heels down and stood in his place stubbornly, not wanting to leave until he found out what the hell had triggered his brother's temper.

Fay drew back then, pissed and a little miffed that he couldn't get his brother to budge even an inch out the door.

"You really don't know what you do to me, do you?" Fay shouted tears streaming down his face by now as he turned and stomped back into his bedroom, slamming the door shut again.

Kurogane slapped his palms on his face and carded them through his hair before giving it a firm tug. He really doesn't understand the way his brother's mind work.

"Why do you gay people have to be so sensitive?" he shouted at the door.

From within, he could hear what he presumed to be his brother's alarm clock hitting the thick wood of the door.

oooooooooo

It was a few days later before Fay was willing to accept that he had over reacted the other day. Other then the fact that he had started to detest coming home to an empty apartment. With his heart full of apprehension and guilt he found himself at the main entrance of the theatre where his brother worked at. He had realized with dismay that within the few short weeks, he had gotten used to his brother babying habits again, and he did missed having someone to talk to and goof around with.

He waited for well after half an hour as he watched streams and groups of visitors and students exit the building before he caught sight of a familiar crown of jet black hair heading towards him.

"Hey, baby brother…" Kurogane called out with a fair amount of affection and surprise lacing his tone. He wasn't expecting to see blondie so soon after that day and the thought of his brother waiting for him at the entrance of the theater made him feel unreasonably guilty, never mind the fact that it wasn't him that had started the argument in the first place.

Fay shivered in pleasure at the way his brother had addressed him and hoped that reaction hasn't been obvious to him.

"Don't call me that in public. It's embarrassing." He blurted out rudely once Kurogane was within earshot.

"Oh…I thought you were here because you own me an apology?" Kurogane teased lightly, a light hearted method of reprimand he had found to be more effective then a serious lecture on someone of his brother's character. It always worked wonderfully in getting his message across and it was no different this time.

"You know I was never articulate in expressing my emotions."

"I know, baby brother. I know that very well."

"Still for all it's worth…I'm sorry." Fay muttered reluctantly.

"Apology accepted. So are you heading off for work right now?"

"No, I'm meeting Dean, I'm off tonight."

"Is he a boyfriend, that punk ass looking boy?"

Fay sniggered as if laughing to a private joke.

"Dean's only good for a fuck, nothing serious." Fay stated as a matter of fact as he thought about his insipid and twisted relationship with Dean. The only reason that they were together was because they were able to satisfy each other's sexual gratifications and that was all to it. Although there had been a time when attraction existed, but it fizzled out quickly enough when Dean realized that his heart was already circumscribed by his sinful desires towards his brother.

Kurogane tensed visibly at that remark and turned green in the gills for a moment. The expression was not unnoted by Fay and even though he knew it wasn't for the reasons his heart wished it to be, he indulged himself in what little happiness he could derived by thinking that his brother was jealous about the thing he had going with Dean.

"Don't you ever think of getting someone stable to take care of you?" Kurogane asked his tone serious and heavy. His crimson eyes softening with unspoken tenderness, and Fay found his pulse quickening again.

How beautiful life would be if this man was never born to be his brother.

"Why would I if I have you to do that for me…" Fay answered his voice almost drowned out by the din a passing group of students were making.

Kurogane frowned at that answer, he couldn't help but feel that there was a whole world of implications behind those words and whatever it was, it left him feeling very unsettled.

"Silly…I'm your brother, and one day I'm going to get married and have my own family. I can't be there for you all the time and dad and mum will be too old to handle the type of stress you'll be giving them."

"I guess I'll have to be figuring that out by myself." Fay said as he looked into the distance where the crowns of the oak trees in the park ahead were swaying gently in the wind.

That was part of a future he wasn't keen to think about at all.

oooooooooo

Dean let his lips travel slowly up the length of that graceful neck, enjoying the soft puffs of air the blonde was exerting and the gentle pulse beneath cool ivory skin. His hands were wrapped snugly on slim hips and he rocked the blonde sitting astride him in a smooth rhythm, feeling his own breath catch whenever the blonde clenched around him.

But something was off tonight, the blonde was very distracted. Sex with him was always wild and frantic…almost to a point of desperation. Dean liked it that way because it meant he could be wild with him and not be worried about hurting the blonde in any ways. Tonight the blonde appeared like he wasn't even there in person. That annoyed him.

"A hand job would be so much better then what we're doing now." He said in a clipped tone.

"Then why don't you call your favorite service guy instead?" Fay answered dispassionately.

Dean took a deep breath not wanting to lose his patience that early in the night and because he wanted to get off at least once before the night ends. Also, he was too tired to go cruising for a new target.

"Was it something that he said?" Dean questioned knowing that there was only one person who could drive Fay to such levels of distraction.

Fay grimaced inwardly. He hadn't thought that his brother's causal remark would have affected him like that and he hadn't expected Dean to latch on to it.

"Do you want to do this or not?" Fay replied defensively as warm blue eyes suddenly harden into an icy gaze, his barriers up in a flash.

Dean narrowed his eyes and pushed Fay off him, hissing as he felt himself slide out of that tight opening.

"Damn it Fay! You know he's bad for you!" Dean said through clenched teeth, his green eyes throwing sharp looks of accusations at the blond, pissed that his evening was screwed. He really didn't feel like dealing with Fay's emotional baggage tonight.

"Either you stop talking about this or I'm leaving.

Dean leaned over and grabbed Fay's wrist.

"Ok…! Let's forget it…come on, you can't leave me hanging like that." Dean said pleadingly with eyes still raking hungrily up and down Fay's body.

Fay glared at him and pulled his hand out of Dean's grip roughly.

"Too bad but I don't feel like being used tonight!" he said coldly as he picked up his clothes, dressed himself and stormed out of the room without as much as a goodbye. The sticky warmth between his legs now a disgusting reminder of how far he has fallen again, and the empty unfulfilled ache buoying at the depths of his groin leaves him feeling more acutely the aggravations of his heart's disappointment.

oooooooooo

Kurogane was asleep on the sofa by the time Fay came through the door, the television was only showing static: the DVD that he was watching had ended long ago. Fay took off his shoes and switched off the television and player before switching off the lamp on the side table. Moonlight flooded the small living room and the transparent yellowed rays from the moon illuminated his sight. Fay knelt infront of his brother with a tender smile on his face and brought his fingers up, softly caressing the spiky jet black hair, his eyes gazing longingly at those pair of sensual lips and then slowly down the rest of his unclothed torso.

The sublime beauty of the night in the city was lost to Fay as he wondered if he will ever shake off this feeling that imprisons his heart, and stop experiencing this myriad of ferocious wants. Why is he so stubbornly obsessed about his brother? Was it his preoccupation with narcissism that had him so deeply embroiled with the tendrils of forbidden love, or was he as sick as what Dean thought him to be?

Fay wants him so much that it hurts to the marrow of his bones and the yearning for the taste of Kurogane's essence forever leaving his tongue desiccated, unable to taste the other offerings of life's glory. And as he savor the sight of his brother laying on the sofa, so open and exposed to his starving eyes, he felt the temptation of the serpent's tongue licking at his loins, it's sinful whispering providing various images of delectable peccadillo that he and his brother was partaking in.

It was too much for him to bear and he felt himself panting for the need to be rid of the burning flames that were being stoked into a raging furnace without any control over his own will. He tried to regulate his breathing as he reached down, past the waistline of his jeans popping off the metal buttons then under his briefs and sigh with ecstatic relief as he felt the hot velvet texture of himself. He wrapped his fingers firmly around his shaft and reached up with his index finger to smear the dewdrops of precum leaking out of the slit, using it to lubricate and smooth the process of this lewd self fulfilling act.

He turned his gaze upwards from his brother's well defined torso and focused on those sharp masculine features, swallowing hard as he tried not to moan his pleasure as his hand formed a quick and urgent rhythm up and down his shaft. But this wasn't enough for him, the emptiness was still there. He paused for a moment as he reached down with both hands and pulled his jeans and briefs off before hastily stuffing three fingers into his mouth, licking them slick. He needs to fill up the emptiness, to feel as if it was his brother in him.

His need was so strong that he ignored the fact that Kurogane might wake up at any moment to catch him in the act. He was too far gone to care about that minor detail.

Fay shifted so that he was kneeling on the thinly carpeted floor instead, the position making his own entry easier. He reached down with those slick fingers and started a gentle kneading around his entrance, it was only for a while before he brutally shoved his middle finger in, gasping in pleasure and bucking his hips at the slow burn it was giving him and then quickly he started to work the other two fingers in. He was breathing heavily now and as his fingers found his prostate he resumed the urgent pulls on his cock. The pleasure from both ends were intensive and he moved his hand faster on his shaft and pressed onto his prostate firmly, looking at his brother's face at the same time. He was having problems holding back his moans now and his mouth had gone slack from the overwhelming pleasure he was feeling at the moment, and he knows he needs to come now.

He gave himself a few more hard tugs ending with slight twists at the end of his cock, feeling the familiar tightening of his groin and the gathering heat that was fighting for release, and then the image of his brother awake and watching him performing this degrading act finally pushed him over the edge. He bucked and trembling violently as white hot release washed over him, and it was all he could do to stifle his scream of pleasure by biting on his lips as he slump down against the edge of the sofa, his hands wet and sticky with his own come.

He leaned there waiting for his breathing to resume some form of normalcy as tears well up in his eyes. He wondered if this is all there is to his life in future, nothing but to hide underneath this cover of weak normalcy.

oooooooooo

Kurogane startled spilling his coffee as Fay walked out of the bathroom with a rather loud bang of the door; he averted his eyes to avoid looking at his brother. He was still feeling greatly disturbed and harassed by the images he saw last night, or, probably dreamt about. It was just as worse, whichever the case.

"Morning…mmm…did you leave enough for me?" Fay asked as he picked up his favorite mug from the glass stand. His hair was still dripping wet and the water droplets flowing down his torso was leaving dark water stains at the waist line of his jeans.

Kurogane plucked at the towel that was hanging from Fay's left shoulder and threw it over his head.

"An adult and you still can't even dry yourself properly." He said as he put his coffee down and started rubbing down his brother's hair, patting the end of those soft blonde strands and then a soft massage on his scalp to soak up the excess water.

Fay smiled discreetly as he luxuriated in the soothing motions of his brother's fingers, Kurogane's eyes couldn't help as they travel down the path where the water droplets had gone. Was it truly a dream or should he fault the lucidity of his eyes in the dark, when he was still heavily influence by the drowsy consciousness of sleep? What was this thing he was feeling then…the image of his brother throwing his head back in completion has been stuck in his mind ever since he woke up this morning.

This was all wrong…it must be his worries regarding his brother's promiscuous sex life being transformed into a more sinister message by his mind in sleep.

Nothing more.

"I was thinking that you could go home this afternoon since I don't have any classes…" Kurogane said in need of something to distract him.

"No." Fay replied with resolution.

"You've avoided them long enough."

"Don't talk as if you don't know how stubborn Dad is." Fay replied still not recovered yet from the words his father had said to him.

"You're still his son you know."

"Yeah, just not the one that he feels proud of."

"You know the old man. He's always harsh on the surface but he's just a big old softie at heart."

"Didn't you hear what he said that day? Were you even paying attention?"

"What did you expect him to say then? Any parent would react this way when told that their kid is gay!"

Fay huffed as he walked to the living room and slunk down on it.

"Come on baby brother…you forgave me, so why not Dad?"

Fay closed his eyes and leaned his head on the sofa, a barely heard sigh escaping his lips.

"Alright, we'll go after lunch."

Kurogane was just about to say something in reply when the door bell rang. He strode across the room and opened the door. A courier man was standing infront with a huge package infront of him.

"Delivery for Mr. Fay McCann?"

"It's for you baby brother." He called out. He could hear Fay stumbling up from behind and the sounds of a lazy saunter.

Fay peered over Kurogane's shoulder noting the dashing good looks of the courier man, their eyes met and Fay gave a shy smile.

"I would need your signature before I can hand this over, Mr. McCann."

Fay stepped out from behind his brother, his body enjoying the proximity which traces his veins with dark desire, eyes still locked with the guy as he took the pen from his fingers letting them brushed by deliberately.

Kurogane arched an eyebrow observing the subtle exchanges.

Fay was just about to return the pen when the courier guy winked at Fay and nodded his chin towards Kurogane. Fay gave a sly smile in return and shook his head, the guy nodded in understanding and left.

"Do you guys automatically flirt with anything that's male?" Kurogane asked.

"Us guys…?" Fay asked with a puzzled expression.

"I mean…you know what I mean." Kurogane said a little bashfully sounding very unsure of himself. It was a silly question but the truth is he never knew how to relate to his brother ever since he confessed that he was gay. He knows how to treat him as his little brother but he couldn't talk to him regarding his personal life and that left him feeling somewhat bereft.

"Oh…" Fay exclaimed softly in understanding, "I guess it is an inherent mechanism…?" Fay answered coyly with a blink.

oooooooooo

"I told you I don't want to see him…why do you have to make me do this!" Fay yelled across the apartment at his brother. The anger that was simmering since he left his parents' home was bubbling over now into an uncontrollable rage. Yet, somehow Kurogane didn't feel that was the main reason why Fay got so mad.

"I didn't expect…"

"You don't expect! You don't expect shit because everything has always gone your way!" Fay shouted cutting him off in the middle of the sentence.

"Hey! Don't say that! You don't know how hard I've worked to get the things I wanted!" Kurogane yelled back as he pointed his index finger viciously towards Fay.

"Why does every conversation u-turns back to you!" Fay cried out.

"You're the one who pointed it in my direction!" Kurogane yelled again as he drew his hand back and slam it on the wooden counter nearest to him, highly frustrated that they were getting into another argument again.

"I don't care! I just want you to shut up!" Fay yelled back his voice trembling by now.

Kurogane opened his mouth to retaliate but decided against it because he could see how badly their conversation has careened off the track, so he clammed up and sat down on the sofa instead. His gesture of submission seemed to placate Fay a little. He watched his brother paced angrily across the tiny space as he picked at his hands and strike out at the random objects laying about. Slowly, Fay started running out of steam.

"Come on, baby brother," Kurogane called out as he stood and went to stand behind his brother, "you know staring and knocking your head on the pillar doesn't help with anything."

Fay let out an exasperated sigh as he pushed himself off the wall and turned to face his brother. Kurogane gave him a reassuring pat as he drew Fay into a light hug, knowing that he would need what little comfort he could get. In many ways, Fay and Dad shared the same characteristics. For one, both of them are extremely stubborn and once they have set their hearts or decision on something, nothing much will change their perception.

"I really hate you sometimes." Fay said as he lay his head on his brother's shoulder, the hostility he was feeling was starting to disappear rapidly changing into something else when his brother stepped up to him.

"Oh…not even an apology now?" Kurogane said as he patted his brother's head, noting how sad those blues eyes still were. Dad was always the one encouraging them to be open-minded and see things with a similar perspective because there will always be two sides to a coin. So he was reasonably baffled as to why he was so adamant in his denial that his youngest son was gay

"Why should I? You screwed up a perfectly beautiful day for me." Fay replied

"Why do you have to be so complex to understand?"

"Because my brain's half woman?" Fay jested.

"Is that a prerequisite of being gay?" Kurogane joked back.

Fay snorted and before he could stop himself, he let burst a round of amused laughter. Kurogane looked back with nearly the same amount of befuddlement shown on his face.

"I hate it when you laugh as if there's a private joke in your head."

Fay chuckled softly as he tried not to inhale to scent of his brother but he couldn't stop from rubbing his forehead on his collarbone, feeling the hard edge of it pushing into his skin like a sort of branding tool. How would it be like to wake up nuzzled against all this muscular strength, all this warmth around him? The pain and jealousy was drowning him again when he reminded himself to cease his wishful thinking. That would be Tomoyo's life, not his.

"Don't be kind to me. I can't take it." Fay said with an empty echo to his voice as he leaned forward and pressed himself against Kurogane's chest, his arms hanging limply by his sides.

"You're my baby brother…who should I be good to if not you?" Kurogane replied as he continued stroking his brother's head unconsciously.

"What if I…I never…?" Fay whispered brokenly as he gripped on to the lapels of Kurogane's jacket, fearful that if he said it out, Kurogane might turn and run…and he won't ever come back when he finds out just what a debauched pervert his brother is. But Fay knows better then to voice this dangerous desire out, so he shut himself up instead.

"What if…what?" Kurogane asked as he gently pushed Fay off his shoulder and prompted his brother to look at him. Fay's sudden seriousness and refusal to meet him eye to eye agitated him for a reason he can't tell, "hey…what if what baby brother?"

Kurogane watched as Fay blinked slowly and lifted his head up. But he wasn't prepared for the look that he saw in his brother's eyes and in between his haze to escape that realization and the lame hasty excuse made up; he found that whatever he thought he might have seen wasn't as scary as it should be.

Still waters do indeed run deep, it may not be in tune with his brother's tumultuous nature but he had misread a lot of what has been lingering underneath the surface. Had he really understood or seen the fact that his baby brother had grown and was no longer the puny little brat he once used to be?

Fay watched helplessly as his brother ran off. Without words his deepest secret has been thrown into the open daylights of the world, and apart from the numbness in his mind, there was nothing else much that he could think of right now.

oooooooooo

Kurogane looked out of the window of the speeding bus, watching the horizontal lines of the neon lights of the city speeding past his peripheral vision. The lost women and men who worship the night were thronging the streets looking for their next stop during the hours between dusk to dawn, searching for that elusive high and the excitement that the dark provides. He had been on the buses traveling from one end of the town to the next, since he ran out this morning from his brother's home. There was nowhere he could go to avoid what his eyes had seen and what his heart had understood.

How could he been blind all this time? He fervently wished that he had misinterpreted what his brother's eyes were telling him, that he was wrong? There was nothing eventful that would lead to such a dispensation of his brother's emotions. But there were no mistakes and he could not have been further away from the truth if he were to say that he had not seen any of this coming. He caught those gazes before it was just that he hadn't managed to catch on to the depth of what they meant.

Did it mean what he had seen that night was true? To say that he was shock and stun would equate to saying that it was an overstatement, he was strangely lacking in scandalized mentality. Catching his brother in the act of masturbation…he would have thought it to be a highly embarrassing incident one would have encounter with a sibling in any family, but to know that it was because of him? What does it make him to be when he felt…?

No…this was all wrong.

It is his brother that he is talking about. He should not be…should not be what? How was he to tell himself on what to make of all this when his mind have no clear directions, when his emotions were running wild?

The bus came to a jerky stop.

He had reached his destination but during and till the end of his transit, he realized he still hasn't found a reasonable conclusion to what lies between his brother and him.

The torrential downpour that had started earlier in the day still showed no signs of stopping.

oooooooooo

"I don't know what he saw Dean, I'm afraid he knows." Fay said his voice muffled against Dean's chest.

It has been more then a week and his brother seemed to have completely disappeared from the face of the earth, if he wasn't, he was doing a very good job avoiding him. Fay had tried not to appear desperate as he stood waiting for his brother at the theatre the other day; Tomoyo came out alone with no sight of Kurogane. Apparently, he had taken up some obscure offer of an audition from a dance company in Miami and he won't be back for the next two weeks. Tomoyo had looked taken aback when he said didn't know about it. He knew it would be pointless to make any excuses for it because Tomoyo might see right through it all. He tried calling Kurogane's mobile when he was home later. It was switched off, as it has been for the past few days.

Dean said nothing as he stroked Fay's head, oddly disappointed that the blonde wasn't that way because of him. He knows better of course. It's almost funny, the way they are.

"You know I can't always be here for you." Dean spoke into Fay's hair, breathing in his scent at the same time.

Fay doesn't answer. He gave a bitter laugh when he realized that Dean and his brother had said the same things to him. He doesn't ever answer questions that Dean asks. He only pressed closer to him and slide up, gently nibbling Dean's jawline, and then his bottom lip. He is being selfish but he needs this. He doesn't love it but he can't bear the hollow emptiness either.

Dean plays along as always. He had loved Fay once and maybe he still does, but there were some things in life that one can never have and one can always choose how to live with or, without it. Dean learned that it was easier to get accustomed to Fay's needs as and when he needs it. It hurts less then not seeing him at all, and it wasn't hard to play the bastard at times. He was young and he still has many years left to play, and two can always play the game.

oooooooooo

Kurogane stepped into the quiet apartment, still feeling tired from the long journey back home. He intended to stay for the full two weeks in Miami. Admittingly he wasn't too attracted to the offer from the dance company though he loves the weather there. It was more of an escape that conveniently presented itself, thrown onto his lap and he took it without second thoughts. He had planned to stay the fortnight but the whirlwind in his mind made it too hard for him to concentrate on anything else. His audition had not gone well. Small as that company may be, the repercussions of his performance is not to be overlooked.

As he lugged his luggage along behind, he wondered what he should say to his brother. There was a high possibility for him to treat this as a silly misunderstand and best be forgotten by both. It definitely left them options and space to retreat. Nobody wants to deal with honesty of that sort.

He reached into the deep pocket of his jacket searching for the keys to his brother's apartment. He reminded himself that he should actually be going home first, just so Mum knows that he is alright. But for now, Fay comes first. The number of messages informing him of the number of calls he missed told him that the matter can't be put off any longer. He was starting to feel that his nerves will fail him the moment he faces his brother, judging from the way his heart is pounding and the amount of cold sweat pouring out from his pores. He inserted the key into the lock and was somehow surprised to find it unlocked. Fay was never this careless.

He looked in the direction of the bedroom, certain that he had heard some rustling from within. He was hoping that his brother might be asleep, and then he might be able to better gather his nerves and talk about it the next morning. No such luck for him it seems.

He saw from the seam of the door which was carelessly left ajar, a soft stream of light. Whispering voices informed him that his brother wasn't alone. A foreboding feeling came over him and his instincts told him to turn around, get out. But he was enticed by what seemed to be the sounds of labored breathing and soft smacking of skin against skin. He supposed on hindsight that should have alerted him to what the occupants were doing in the room. He knew he should walk away then but his curiosity got the better of him. He padded discreetly towards the door and peered within.

He was sure his immediately reaction should be mortification, and justified sibling anger to see his brother with another man, but as he looked at the pale expense of flushed ivory skin glowing pink with a light sheen of perspiration, Fay's mouth opened slack with pleasure, those soft erotic moans and the way Fay was undulating against Dean's golden tanned body, he felt a strange unexplainable stirring instead. The sight of Fay so ravished and debauched sent waves of possessiveness and jealousy through him, unable to comprehend and accept what his body is feeling; he fled the apartment letting the door slam in his haste to get away. His luggage left behind in his haste to escape.

Dean held Fay by the hips in suspended motion as they heard the door slammed shut. Fay didn't need anyone to tell him that it was his brother who had returned from Miami.

Kurogane didn't think of returning to his parents place that night, so he opted for Tomoyo's instead. There was a sudden primal need springing from deep within him and he found himself thirsty…hungry…and he knows it isn't for food or water, but for something more base and physical.

Tomoyo did not question his suddenly being there, she took it that he had missed her during the trip. With a smile that made him go on a severe guilt trip, she welcomes him home in her arms. He inhaled the soft scent of white musk and her favorite shampoo; the scent of it grounds him a little but did nothing else to quench that terrible need within. When he took Tomoyo that night it was devoid of the gentleness normally doled out in their love making, it was frantic and rough as he pinned her against the mattress, and when he came, it was not Tomoyo's voice that he heard or her face that he saw. It was images of sun blue skies and the muffled moans of his brother's in the throes of his climax.

As he lay awake in the middle of the night, he realized fervently avoiding a problem does not necessary mean the problem will go away on its own. Instead the doubts and unanswered questions only intensify whatever that was left lingering there, only becoming more vivid and the varying degrees of details haunt him like everything else that was banal in life. He soon started questioning himself. If that look meant nothing, was there something wrong with him then? He could not help obsessing over it. He stayed awake in the darkness, counting the minutes as he listened to Tomoyo's light even breathing while she slept. The thoughts of to talk, or, not kept bouncing back and forth in his head.

The issue had been avoided enough. He was mature enough to be talking about it instead of running like a child. It was only a look that he might have misinterpreted after all. It meant nothing, he thought as he desperately tried to convince himself. Nothing at all, not even with those moments when Fay would say something and he would feel like they meant more then the words themselves represented. So yes, he would talk to Fay about it and get rid of this absurd awkwardness once and for all.

Everyone should know that in a single minute a step in the wrong direction could undo someone's whole life. Yet at that moment, Kurogane had no idea that this decision could trigger the catalyst of destruction in the lives of his whole family.

oooooooooo

Fay was just about to step out of his apartment when the door opened and his brother stepped in. They both stood at the door wordless and still, intentions unclear. The tension in the room was palpable, unable to elide.

"Did I offend you or something? You've been really weird nowadays." Fay asked breaking the silence first. He walked into the apartment stopped and leaned on the wall and distracted himself by pushing the mug on the counter opposite him while waiting for his brother's reply, his heart pounding in his throat. It is always easier to play the part of the ignorant, just to study how the other player maneuvers the ball in his court so as to better plan his next move.

Kurogane held his brother's eyes, trying not to slump like a jellyfish beached. He had an extreme dislike as to the way his brother's mind works. Games of words comes easily to him, whether put across crudely or intellectually phrased sarcasm, he could out maneuver the person having the conversation with him and use it against one self, successfully deflecting what he does not want to answer. One would have to grasp the way Fay thinks in order to play his games. And right now, Kurogane was not in the mood for games. He had acted against his own principles to be here. He wants clarity of this thing that lies between them, right now, straight up.

"I thought you could be more honest then me."

He threw the ball right back into Fay's court. If Fay is to yield, the only way will be to force him into a corner and let him claw his way out.

"About?" Fay swung the racket his way again.

Kurogane tensed and clenched his teeth. He tires easily of these petty mind games his brother enjoys setting up. He took a step forward his insides are starting to twist like a tornado, closer.

"The way you look at me that day…I saw something…I want to know what that look means."

"Did you think I was taking drugs?" Fay scripted the careful reply. He knows his brother hates the way he answers with another question. He listened to the shuffling of his brother's feet and watched him take off his jacket as he turned and leaned against the kitchen cabinet, head looking down at his dark brown boots. Fay wondered what he's thinking about right now. He really should have been more careful that day, but emotions were always tricky and almost impossible to tame. There's point in feeling regretful now. He probably didn't even realize he had looked at Kurogane that way.

Kurogane looked up suddenly with an expression that says that he couldn't be more relief if his brother had taken drugs or, if he was really walking along the lines of certain dangerous feelings.

"Did you?" he whispered like he was daring Fay to break his hopeful reverie.

That answer took a while for Fay to recover from. He shuttered his feelings and schooled his face into the one he normally wore and smiled. Denial had always been the drug of choice; it is the ultimate escape from things one has no desire to face; it is a drug one cannot fight against.

"Will you feel better if I did?" Fay asked with his eyes closed, not wanting to see the reaction of his brother. He waited for a few seconds before the felt the invasion of his private space and the scent of his brother's perfume teasing his nose, the warmth of a hand placed on his arm prompted him to open his eyes.

"We should really talk about this." Kurogane said as he removed his hand and leaned against the counter, ignoring the discomfort of the edge of the wooden panel digging into his lower back. His eyes staring at the crown of pale flaxen hair before wandering down to the familiar face of his brother's, noting somewhat irrelevantly that the dull yellow light did nothing to flaw the gentle feminine features of his brother, only served to add contrast and textures to it enhancing every nuance of his minute expressions, warm misty blue eyes darken into pale icy blue instead.

Fay remained standing in the same place unmoving. This is where he needs to decide if things are going to end, or, is it going to continue as it has for the past twenty plus years. He looked at his brother again. He thought about his career, his life, their parents and his girlfriend. Kurogane has it all and everything was going well for him, there was no reason for him to screw up this future that his brother was entitled to. He could do it easily to anyone but not to Kurogane.

"There's nothing to talk about. I do this quite often with my friends, take a pill, have a puff, down a shot. It's really quite enjoyable actually." Fay said with a steady voice and a sardonic smile. And then as if to further affirm of his dangerous and extremely unhealthy habits, he pulled out the packet of cigarettes that Dean had left with him and lighted up a stick, blowing the smoke at his brother's face deliberately.

Kurogane narrowed his eyes and gave Fay a doubtful look. He could tell it was an obviously empty lie. Then he felt the irrational anger surging through him again and he can't understand it. Why does it matter whether Fay was lying or not? Shouldn't it be better if this answer was the truth instead?

"Don't lie to me. I was with you the whole morning and I didn't see you do anything."

"I don't always do everything in front of you." Fay snarled angered by their wretched and pointless speculation of this whole thing. If only Kurogane wasn't such a perceptive person, he might have the chance to get himself off the hook. Now, he couldn't even find himself a decent excuse to deny his heart's desire.

"I saw you that night too, when you came home after meeting with Dean." Kurogane said. It was scaring him on how out of control this whole outburst had become and it is getting harder not to question himself on his actual intentions now. Why is he so desperate to force an answer out from Fay? Without his conscious summoning, the fuzzy images in his brain begin to sharpen into focus, the way his brother mouthed his name when he came filled Kurogane with a nameless want that made him feel utterly dirty, and then the look on Dean's face as Fay rocked against him, that blind rage and jealousy he felt then when he saw it. As he replayed them again and again in that split second, he came to a horrifying realization.

How was it that he has never seen it?

Fay drew in a sharp breath at that, feeling the burn of shame searing through his body. This was not something he could talk himself out of.

"Why do you so badly want to know?" Fay asked

"Because I'm…" Kurogane stuttered feeling utterly flummoxed as his thoughts progressively got cloudier.

Fay's eyes flickered to Kurogane's and for a fleeting moment, the brothers experienced a flush of desire thrilling through their bodies, a quick rush of liquid fire streaking through their groin but, it was gone much to fast for them to register it as a honest respond of their mindset.

"This is getting too confusing…" Kurogane muttered to himself.

This is going to be a pointless game of guess, Fay thought, with the ball bouncing back and forth with none of them getting any closer to knowing what they want. He didn't want to deal with this any longer; he could feel the fast enlarging crack of his emotions shattering to smithereens beneath his skin. He is running short on stamina. He had been swimming far too long against the raging currants of white water of which is that river that runs in the depths of his heart, the secret had long became a burden too immense for him to bear, and if he held on to it any longer he is going to sink beneath it all. He had to let go, it is now or never. If it has to be ended, it will be him who will pen the full-stop of this story.

Fay leaned forward and kissed Kurogane. It was not a kiss of passion. It was not a kiss that sparked the shift of the universe beneath their feet. It was a kiss that bespoke of the sadness and the wrongness of it all and the onslaught of nostalgia. It was a kiss that told of a period of their life which will never return, because Fay had chosen to step across the boundaries of what society would deem unacceptable and greatly immoral.

"That's your answer…" Fay whispered his voice cold and defeated and the tears came, "Leave…and don't come here anymore…your luggage is behind the door." Fay said as he extracted the keys of his apartment from his brother's hand and retreated back into his bedroom.

"Fay…" Kurogane said as he grabbed at Fay's arm.

"Leave…you should have never come looking for me in the first place, Kurogane."

oooooooooo

"Is there something bothering you today? You kept falling behind throughout the whole rehearse." Tomoyo asked worry etched into fine lines on her normally smooth forehead. It didn't take much to see that Kurogane's dance was performed on auto-pilot. His eyes were focused on some far-away thoughts and had only kept looking at the empty seats at the front of the stage.

Kurogane bent to stretch his tired muscles and to loosen the invisible tensions wounded tight around his body and shook his head.

"Nothing, I'm just feeling a bit worn out." He replied. It was not a lie, only a half truth. He really hadn't gotten any rest at all. He had spent more then half the night sitting up in his own room after he returned from Fay's place, feeling hysteria welling within him, agonized, desperate and caught up in every sort of confusion. Despite the confrontational truth being laid bare for him, he still felt as if he needed an answer to all this. It was as if he was stuck on an immovable land of fog and he was doomed to be stuck in that muck forever.

The remnant of Fay's kiss was still very protuberant in his mind, its will fierce in its dominance over his own, subjugating it to the sinful desires that were starting to bud from his heart. It was a burden he found unbearable and his responsibility to withhold and tame it was tremendously crushing, it is impossible to even try to delude himself that everything that had happened actually did not. How did it come to be that a kiss became a marker of one's end instead of a representation of good hopes and pure budding love?

That kiss had made him doubt his whole life in general, awakening and killing something within him at the same time. That silver of acceptance towards his brother's intimate touch had undermined every perception he had held since he was young, what was forbidding is starting to turn into the source that was fanning his unutterable desire. Was he only trying to find relief for the internal tension he had been feeling for the past couple of weeks? His mind could come up with no better logic or excuses. Nothing went through his thoughts apart from the remembrance of the graze of a shy tongue on his and a hint of tobacco on it.

oooooooooo

"Do you want to go home early today? I can take over the rest of your classes." Tomoyo offered as she noted not for the first time that day the dark shades under his eyes. She wished he could tell her what was wrong; she needed him to assuage her worries. She couldn't pinpoint what was it exactly but he had been terribly distracted ever since he headed off to Miami. Sometimes the wall between them weren't as oblivious as she thought it to be, there were times when she felt like she didn't know him as well as she thought. Perhaps it was normal; they were only together for six months. She has no claim on him at this stage and definitely no closer to getting under his skin.

Ever since they were together, she found herself fraught with insecurities regarding their relationship. Although Kurogane has all the attributes of a perfect boyfriend, their chemistry were often lacking the presence of those fiery sparks that speak of an ardent love. Then there were those relationships he used to have. It didn't take much for her to notice that none of them lasted for more then two years.

She questioned him once when they were still friends regarding his ex-girlfriends, on why none of the relationships lasted. He said that he loved them all but he never felt right with them, that there was never any passion, only affection, and affection can be felt with everyone and anyone, but passion was different. He wanted someone to define passion in his life. Tomoyo wondered if he found it in her. She never asked.

oooooooooo

Fay lay curled up at the foot of his bed, the half empty bottle of vodka dangled precariously in his loose grip. He had lost track of how long he had been laying here. It does not matter. He was in no rush to break away from this rhapsody of nothingness. Life in limbo was considered a luxury for him right now. It lessens the somber pang of loneliness that haunts his caged heart. Fay wished that it wasn't so. He wished that his heart could become an instrument again, to be just another organ that pumps the vitality of blood through his being, instead of this…this scale that gauges the hierarchy of his emotions and sentiments. He didn't want to be aware of the indelible imprint of pain felt by every of his nerve endings.

He wanted to shake away this love he had for his brother, but it had gained too much permanence in the composition of his life. He was weak, unlike Kurogane who stood out in his life like a beacon of light, a pillar of strength. He did not know how to pull himself out of this, so he chose an easy way out. A life of self destruction was easy to lead. He only had to let go of himself to achieve it. It was only bad because he felt guilty everytime he gives in to his weakness and, during those times he wished his brother was as weak as he is.

The haze of numb euphoria caused by the alcohol was fading away, he took another few swigs from the bottle and registered the burning sensation that slide down his throat like liquid fire. Reality will be kept away at arms length. He didn't want to fall right now. As he continued to stare at the walls of his tiny room, he wondered how long could he be cooped in here without being discovered? He supposed it was fairly easy. It wasn't like he had many friends who will miss his presence. The exception being Dean, he guessed. Then again, it may be beneficial for Dean if he were to disappear from his life. Fay was certain that his sickness had pervaded Dean, and it was starting to twist him up too.

He didn't know why but this moroseness tickles him. He was reminded of a reoccurring dream he used to have, morbid but funny at the same time. He dreamt that he was trapped in a hospital room, walking along the perimeters of the wall, then without reasons he would find himself in bed and he would be stabbing himself in the ear repeatedly. He could hear the sharp point of the knife hitting his skull, he could feel the pain of the cut, he could feel the warmth of his ever flowing blood but the monitor doesn't stop beating and he doesn't ever died from it. It was senseless, so much like the most of his life.

Fay starting laughing, it wasn't the initial reaction he wanted because right now he would rather cry. But there was no one who will pity him, or, to lend him a shoulder to cry on, so he reckons that he should not feel any more miserable than he is right now. So he laughed instead. But the sound of his laughter was bitter and hollow and as it echoed through the rooms of his apartment, it only served to make his misery more pronounced.

That was when the tears came, when reality approached with its loathed arms wide opened for him. Reality slapped the truth in his face and told him that he was all alone, that he was paying for the sin of loving his own blood. Reality told him that his brother was not here and will never be because he had cursed the bond broken and Kurogane has left him for good. It shoved the ugly truth into the core of him. That no matter how beautiful his dreams are he will never attain them. That he owns nothing. And just before he falls asleep, Fay muses if one could be drowned to death by their own tears.

oooooooooo

Kurogane thanked the locksmith as he packed his bag to leave and as soon as the locksmith left, he pushed opened the door without any preamble. In his heart, he fervently prayed that Fay would be fine and had done nothing foolish. It had only been three days, already the apartment smelled. Especially grating on his senses was the lingering fumes of alcohol and the residue odor of vomit.

His gut tells him he shouldn't be here but there was too much left hanging from his brother's last spoken words, and that coming here would abolish every single rule that have been ingrained into him since childhood. The familiar bonds of family has been remolded ever since his unspeakable desires sprung up. As much as he knows this is wrong, it was also something radical. That brought him a kind of terrifying relief and excitement to know that he had the ability to let go of those superficial morals and indulge in being weak. Because nobody needs to know about this and nobody will know about this.

This was the transgression of the inviolable. There was no mistaking what he was courting once he is back here in his brother's apartment. Despite knowing that this desire will only lead them to a path of madness and sooner or later, they will lose themselves, he could not fight the claws of desire anymore then Fay could. The fact that he wanted it subconsciously did not come as a surprise. Rather then feeling confined, he found it liberating. It made him see why none of his relationships lasted and why making love with the women he presumed to have loved had always felt empty. It explained to him that unidentified discomfort everytime he thought of his brother with another man, and his unexplainable need to want Fay in every moment in his life. It explained so many things that he had not thought possible before.

"Fay!" he called out as he walked towards the bedroom when he didn't see Fay anywhere in the kitchen or living room, "Fay!" Kurogane called out when he saw his brother sprawled out unconscious on the bed. He counted the bottles of various types of alcohol thrown haphazardly around the floor; guilt assaulted him as he kicked the bottles aside. He sat down beside Fay and let out a huge sigh. He could not have possibly seen a bigger mess than this.

"You're one big complication in my life…baby brother." Kurogane whispered as he carded his fingers through blonde hair dampen by sweat. He looked around the apartment again and thought he might clean up the place before Fay wakes up, till then, they may be able to sort themselves out of this tangle, unwanted or, not.

oooooooooo

Fay woke up disoriented and groggy, his vision bleary and senses extremely dull. It was good at least he still felt numb, albeit the pain that was striking every nerve around his head. He stumbled up from his bed when the urge to answer nature's call could no longer be delayed. Fay was sure that continuous alcohol consummation and the avoidance of food was the worst possible combination of all. Did he even make it out of bed once during these couple of days? He must have, the bed still look decent enough, he noted irrelevantly. Then he wondered why he hadn't died from alcohol toxic yet. As he hovered by the bed trying to regain his sense of vertical balance, he caught a whiff of a familiar scent. How could someone's perfume still linger around after so long, or, was he missing it so much that his mind had conjured it up just to sooth his longing? He found his answer soon enough when he saw his brother standing in the middle of the kitchen as he was heading for the bathroom.

He leaned against the wall quietly observing the graceful and calm movements of his brother, the subtle shift of those broad shoulders as he reached above the counters for the dried spices and the contemplative expression glimpsed from his side profile. Those deep set eyes and strong masculine jaw line accentuated with a set of sensual lips, which often breaks out in that hypnotizing smile that never fails to steal his breath away everytime. This was a scene that had appeared numerous times in his dreams. The domesticated bliss of him and his brother living together without a care in the world had always been only a dream…was he in one now?

Kurogane halted everything he was doing when he sensed that prickling sensation of someone watching him. He dropped the last cinnamon stick into the pot of tea he had just made and turned to see Fay teetering by the side of the wall. Those cerulean eyes watched him without focus or guarded wariness; he realized Fay might still be a little delirious. He didn't say a word as he moved and carried Fay into the bathroom. He was glad of the silent allowance his brother gave because silence is the only coherent truth that exists for them right now. Everything else are just pointless and infuriating analysis and cataloging of the autonomous shadows of their disillusioned mind, to make clear of everything now would only be a mean of spreading their misery around.

As they stood facing each other in the bathroom, Fay let his brother divest him of his clothing, let himself be lead under the languid hot water of the shower and feel the dislocated movements of Kurogane's hands on him, lathering soap and shampoo. He felt no shame from his brother's gaze lingering on his nakedness and the gentle caresses upon his most intimate places, perhaps of their blood bond and the love he has for Kurogane, the union of their skin ceased to be a crass experience. Strangely, no matter how warm those hands felt, Fay was adamant in believing he was still in one of his dreams. It was impossible for this to be happening; he must be in another dimension; another dream induced by the toxic effects of a hangover.

Kurogane looked into the glassy eyes of his brother as the fabrics fall away, feeling his breath catch as the expense of the ivory pale skin was exposed to him. The element that haunts and unhinges him in all the decadent dreams he had of his brother for the past few days, and here he is standing infront of him, feeling him beneath his fingers, touching him with reverence as if he was touching Christ's feet himself. It is strange how sensations never leave you no matter how low you got. He savored the slippery sleekness of well soaped skin and bony shoulder blades as he ran his hand across the slender body infront of him, this careful and tender treatment he realized, had only been bestowed upon his brother and none others. That knowing brought the sweetest sadness and ache to his heart which he could not bear, and he leaned forward under the spray of the water and drew Fay into his arms, forgetting the clothes that he still had on in his need to feel and justify the truth of their bonds.

As Fay felt those strong arms enveloped him, he knew that he was no longer in the whirlpools of his dreams. In the prolix confusion, he focused on the arms encircled around his torso and waist, the inertia of his profound blindness was ripped away immediately. He had been telling himself so many self-effacing things that he had lost the ability to understand the language of reality. He didn't see that his brother had always held the same amount of love for him and that no matter how twisted that love is Kurogane will always find a way to reach him, to make sure things fall in place and ensure that their bonds will never end, like the moonlight that precedes one's shadows at night, Kurogane will always be one step behind waiting to catch him when he falls. How could he deny Kurogane of the love he has for him?

"Why?" Fay whispered brokenly as his hand moved to cover the arms circled around him, "Why did you come back? I told you not to."

Kurogane didn't answer but tighten his grip around Fay, pressing his cheek upon the damp hair, shaking his head at the same time. What more could he say? He can only look back so many times to come to this decision. He could not find reasons, only the yearning to bring them both to the place they want to belong to. So he pressed his index finger upon Fay's lips, shushing him, a gesture of plead to allow the silence between them to continue so they would have enough time to build another world around themselves and leave reality behind. If they were to ascertain what lies between them, it will have to be within their own walls of isolation, without the sounds of nothing but their own breathing and heartbeats. He would not allow ignominious feelings to root themselves in the purity of their emotions.

Fay coming awake from the invigorating steam of heat, nodded his head seemingly appearing to understand what his brother needs right now. What they need right now. His ravenous heart wanted so much more, more then what he knows Kurogane will be able to give. But he will take what he can for now because he wasn't sure if there would be anything left for him after this. When their desires are sated, gratification gained, and the haze of lust had left their minds. Will he be able to let go of Kurogane should he chose to leave? Will Kurogane still stand steadfastly behind, or, will he only love him from afar?

The thought of being unloved tires him out, there might still be a funeral march and a lamentation of this love that has yet to be sung for nothing is concrete in this life he is in.

ooooooooo

Kurogane pulled off the wet tee-shirt and the heavy jeans that were clinging to his skin like the pads of a lizard's feet before wrapping himself around the waist in the towel Fay passed him. He watched his brother dry himself and noted the irregularities of his body, the faint scar by the side of his left hip caught his attention the most. He still remembered how that scar came about. He stepped forward and grazed his finger along the length of it, feeling the tensing of the muscles beneath wet skin. Fay closed his eyes and bowed his head, the sensation of the touch though not sexual, still manages to unreel him. He leaned forward and pressed his cheek against the flap of Fay's ears, feeling the feather light brushes of his half dried hair and Fay's hand came up to cup his own hand over the scar.

"Do you really want this, Kuro?" Fay's whisper echoed in the bathroom, the only other sound that accompanied it was the dripping of the water from the shower head, "do you know how afraid I'm of you…because you still don't seem to understand what you can do to me…"

Kurogane hesitated in his answer. He may be much more aware of how he feels towards Fay but he wasn't sure if he had the courage to put it into words. So he replied by means of action. He tilted Fay's head upwards and leaned down as he embraced Fay from the back. His brother's small and slender frame made it easy for him to imagine that he was embracing a woman instead.

Fay's heart wished he was naïve enough to read his brother's refusal to answer for something else, but he wasn't. He knows very well that this was not a confession of love, nor was it a return of his undying affection. This is a brother returning a brother's love. It is Kurogane's way of bridging that gap which now exists between them. He wasn't willing to let go of this bond yet, so he could only try to feel what Fay was feeling instead. So instead of feeling the joy of having tasted a lover's lips, Fay felt the exquisite pain of the betrayal of his own mind and body as he gave in to his emotions to fulfill his brother's expectations. From the start, he could only resign himself be the taker in their relationship because the door of his heart will never close for his brother.

Kurogane sighed breathily as he felt Fay's lips against his and the gentle puffs of air fanning across his skin. He grasped the soft strands of hair in his fingers and pulled taut the bunch of hair in his grip. Fay hardly flinched from the rough handling, only letting a soft gasp escape him.

"Baby brother." He whispered as he pressed his lips against Fay's, looking into misty blue eyes the whole time. This time the kiss initiated by him grounded the reality, the want and the need in his brother's eyes. The emotions felt as he absorbed the magnitude of his brother's feelings rocked him to the core and he deepens the kiss, grazing his tongue across Fay's bottom lip seeking entrance. The gentle caressing of his tongue draw the softest moan from Fay, but that single articulated expression compounded so much of what Fay felt and the intensity of that moment was soon flowing over and around him, and all the wrongness of it disappeared as he tasted what love could have been, what passion really is.

Fay moaned again as he felt Kurogane's tongue swipe across his lip and he nuzzled into his face breathing in the scent that always reminds him of the sun and the faraway dreams of childhood. Fay pressed his nose against a moist warm cheek, feeling the stubble of a day's growth poke at his skin. It was almost too much for him, the feel of this only person who could make him feel truly alive. Greedily, Fay parted his lips whimpering when their tongues meet, mouths sliding sensually against each others, letting his brother dominate him and his senses traced the searing path on his skin where Kurogane's other hand had traveled, down his neck, chest, and abdomen. The hand halted directly above the apex between his thighs teasingly near his already straining cock, dripping heavily with pre-cum. He moaned again as his whole body started to lose control, his legs weren't going to hold him for long. He trembled violently as he leaned against his brother for much needed support. Fay whimpered as he let the sensations washed over him. Vaguely in the back of his mind, he knew no one else will be able to satisfy him now that he has known Kurogane's touch.

"Fay…baby…baby…" Kurogane breathed out huskily. Fay's earnest reactions weaken his will. He felt it caved in and like a piece of sand paper, Fay's insistence and emotions was soon rubbing him raw. He groaned a low guttural sound as he released the last of his restraints and he could no longer feel his feet on the ground as he let himself fall.

Everything that is transcending now is so wrong…so wrongfully right…

"Kuro…" Fay said softly, "Take me…now," Fay continued as his fingers trailed down the sides of Kurogane's face, tears trailing down his own face as he let the emotions of his admission wash over him, liberate him from that prison he was locked in all these years, "ease me …release me." His fingers shaking as they reached behind and attempted to loosen the towel wrapped around his brother's waist but they were stilled by Kurogane's hand and his choked whisper of a yes.

In the latent silence that followed after Fay's proclamations, Kurogane could only feel a high exultation dispersed through his blood, turning it thick and heavy, making it difficult for him to breathe properly. He groaned in surrender as he turned Fay around and picked him up by his thighs, feeling them warp around him. Fay's naked form against him made him felt as if every other sensation he has felt before was incredibly ephemeral, unlike this. This bridging of their actuality, tangible matter a firm presence made entirely of passion…life in his hands. For once, he finally felt his realities brought together. Passion that moves him in and out, this was what he had been looking for all his life…Just this simple connection of their skin unraveled Kurogane; he brought a hand up behind Fay's head and pulled him into another kiss again. This time it was demanding, fierce and singing of a concordance between their souls strangely disharmonized yet still in tune.

Fay moaned deeply as he felt the waking of his brother's senses. He lost himself in the kiss, arching against the hard chest infront of him, and floated away from the illusions he had attached himself to all these years. He felt himself rising, the water that he had been threading all his life slowly draining away, leaving only a hard ground for him to stand. The planes of existence have shifted and murmuring to him that his future is no longer terminable. He is reborn as a lover conceived in sin, born to luxuriate in the pleasures of plebeian carnality. The quiet ripples of sensation from every spot that Kurogane laid his lips on gave him a high that nothing could compare to in this world, every single thing he did to him was beauty personified. It rendered him speechless and left him breathless.

Kurogane let his lips travel from his brother's lips down across his smooth jawline, the area of skin underneath Fay's ear and down the graceful arch of his ivory neck, listening to Fay's hitched breathing. Every movement caused Fay to press more urgently against him, the rolling of Fay's hips against his, made him want to take Fay right now against the wall, his own erection, so tight, it was painful.

"Not here…" Kurogane whispered as he stumbled out of the bathroom toward the bedroom, trying hard to balance both of them in his lust induced haze. He made it just in time to stop the frantic frotting that Fay had started in the bathroom. He let Fay slide down his body, feeling the slight curves bumping along his body, all sharpness and softness at once. Kurogane clenched his jaws hard together, feeling that streaking blaze of pleasure running through him, to not forget the knowledge that those hands and lips belongs to someone whose blood and flash were the same as that which was running through the veins in his body. It felt so impossibly good…everything was so intense and Fay's body felt so right against his…had he done it out of guilt, did it feel like this because they were brothers?

Fay closed his eyes as he let himself fall back on the bed, drawing himself into a fetal position inviting his brother without words to spoon behind him. The soft rustling of the towel falling with nary an audible sound, the soft press on his bed followed by his brother's warmth securing him with its presence, it is real. This is real, at this moment when Kurogane's hands are exploring him, Tomoyo does not exist, his parents were not his and his brother is not his brother. They were strangers and Kurogane is just another man he met and falls in love with. It is real when Kurogane's face loomed over his as he passed him the bottle of lube and he turns over to look him in the eyes, it is real when Kurogane took it without hesitation spreading his thighs with fingers massaging at his entrance, whispering incoherent sentences that sounds guilty yet helpless to do anything about it.

When they joined, their union spoke of a revelation of their souls. The fortuitous events that brought their destinies colliding together, twines and untwines molding their souls and bodies together like a sculptor blowing glass, puff by puff, their hearts fused in the heat of their ardor, their names engraved on their skin like the press of a feathered quill pen against raw skin by their lips.

Fay gasped and rocked with his brother, his thighs wrapped tight around Kurogane's waist and toes curled up in the shocking intensity and pleasure. The slow even rhythm Kurogane kept pushed like the languid tide on the beach, keeping him hovering on the brink, his body arched and twitched with the effort on holding back his release. Above him Kurogane strained to keep himself from getting lost in the pleasure, tried to focus on his brother's needs instead, his growling groans and hard breathing were the only indication on how hard it is for him to rein it in. But Fay does not want it to end this way. This was the way how Kurogane would make love to Tomoyo. He wants it to be different.

"Don't be careful with me." Fay whispered before he wiped at the sweat at his brother's forehead and pulled him down as he kissed him deeply. He rumbled from within his chest as Kurogane heaved himself up and pulled Fay along without losing their connection, letting Fay straddle his thighs, resting them against the headboard of the bed. Kurogane let out a long groan as he felt himself slide in deeper into his brother's body, and he broke their kiss to bite sharply into Fay's shoulder. That movement and change of position seemed a bit too much for Kurogane. His cock throbbed achingly with the heat and tightness surrounding it. He let out a long drawn moan of deep satisfaction as he gripped Fay's hips with both hands, pulled out to the tip and gave one hard trust back to the hilt, feeling his cock brushing past something that made Fay gasped and knock the back of his head against the wall from the pleasure and the force of it.

The arch of the ivory neck and the press of his brother's pale torso against him, the resemblance so liken to the perfect sculptures of Bernini's replicating the sensations of ecstasy, was such an erotic display of a male body it undid something in him. He continued his forceful rhythm and listened to their panting breathes, the frantic slapping sound of their bodies meeting and the strains of their bodies striving toward that inevitable release. As Fay guided his hand to his shaft leading him in a rhythm that matches his trusts, he heard Fay hiss as his hand wrapped around the velvet hard flesh. Kurogane grunted as he felt that familiar tightening of his groin and the muscles on his thighs quiver as he fought to wait for Fay to come with him, it wasn't seconds before Fay muttered fervently, incoherently as his whole body tensed and trembled. Their release came to them in combined broken cries of passion. Fay clenching hard around Kurogane's shaft throbbing hard as they lose control, bucking and arching against each other, feeling acutely the orgasm that drove the nail of completion of the sin of blood.

They didn't move for a long while as they let their bodies calm, leaning against each other. As the sweat on their body starts to dry and reality starts seeping through, Kurogane pulled out of Fay with a barely heard sorry. Fay let him move away, watched him shuffle to the other side of the bed as he suffered the lost of his brother's warmth again. He allowed his brother the time to get lost in his thoughts as he shifted and lay on the bed, letting the soles of his feet brush lightly against Kurogane's thighs. Kurogane only looked at him with questioning eyes and a heavy blanket of pain. There was nothing to be said for what they had just done. They knew what they had felt, the mistake they had chosen to step into with eyes wide open. Fay closed his eyes and prepared his weary heart for whatever that might come next because already, he could feel the regrets creeping up the dark shadow of his brother's silhouette.

Kurogane watched as Fay rest in his fake slumber, there were so many things he wanted to say, so many questions he has yet to ask, but some things were just too complex to explain. Although he felt the regrets clamoring into his soul, he has no wish to elucidate the memories of what had happened and how he felt about that single act of damnation. But the pleasure that was left tingling at his loins is not so easily forgotten, the feeling of his brother under his skin is not something that would fade…and the aversion he felt towards the act has long worn off.

There were mistakes that one should never make and then there were some mistakes one must never make. This unalterable mistake was one of such and the percussions were only beginning to undulate underneath the currents of sexual tension, self doubts and the fragile ties of family bonds. In the eye of the storm before everything blows over, he contemplated the paths that they would have to walk after.

Could he really tell himself that it means nothing now as he looked at the broken wings of an angel that lay fallen by his feet, could he ever fly away with the dreams still dreamt by his mind in the middle of the night; did he still see the world as he did when he was young? When did the love between them changed so drastically when he hadn't yet felt that he had crossed the line? No matter which end one chooses, the questions will never end, even when he is stripped to his bones, bared to the world.

oooooooooo

Kurogane marveled at the vast differences between a woman's and a man's body and how the body experiences pleasure. Nowadays, his body no longer yearns for the same things he used to desire. Everytime his hands run over smooth plump breasts, they transformed in his mind into a flat torso and instead of Tomoyo's dark hazel eyes he saw his brother's instead. Sometimes, he had to bite his lips hard so as not to cry out the wrong name when he comes. He thinks about how sick it is to be fucking his girlfriend only to be thinking of his brother just so he could get off. And he knows exactly how devastating this is if anyone learns about their sad state of affairs. But he couldn't stop himself from wanting his brother.

It has been two months since he first succumbed and the need had only turned stronger. He was addicted to this dangerous liaison. He was starting to find it hard to live without the taste of tobacco and vodka tinted kisses, as much as he hates it. He couldn't sleep without having the scent of his brother's semen and the lingering odor of sex on him. He could no longer look his parents in the eyes when he lies to them on the days he chose to come home. All he wants to do is to dance, but it is no longer the same dance he craves. This dark passion that Fay had ignited in him inspired only a dance drenched with the nectar of sex; a dance that requires no choreography because its steps have been set before men has any knowledge about time. This dance only brings to him a single-minded goal of seeking release; the explosive results of their unspeakable passion.

Today once again, he found himself back in his brother's apartment unable to fight against his will. As he reached out to pull Fay into his arms, he felt the two halves of him at war again, loathing and loving at the same time, disgusted yet titillated at the vulgar way they devoured each other. He tried so hard to figure out what was wrong with him and where were his moral sensibilities? But he would be disingenuous if he denied the fact that a man's body does attract him in certain ways, although he had never expected that hidden desire to spring upon his brother. As he dissects the man that he realized he is becoming, the more contemptuous he gets towards everything that he is. His quest for passion had thoroughly contaminated him, and that lust he felt for his brother had broken him, brought him to his knees and humiliated him by its willful transgression. Before, he could stand proud with dignity…now he only let himself be led by the chains of degradation. But in all his desperateness to redeem himself, Kurogane could not churn up the hate needed to free himself from the vice that is Fay.

Because whatever he thought about and felt would always melt away the minute Fay touches him. He would be reduced to molten wax ready to be plied in whichever ways his brother deems fit to. Although physically he dominates Fay, his emotional centre can never be swayed by anyone but his baby brother.

oooooooooo

Fay searched his brother's eyes for answers to his own questions as their sweat slicked bodies grind together urgent in their need to attain that mind shattering climax, their low quiet moans and panting breathes echoed through the small bedroom. The onslaught of his release made him delirious with pleasure and he spewed a litany of his brother's name, punctuated with soft whimpers and the occasional soft cries as white hot pleasure course through him, his fingers leaving half crescent marks on biceps, much more toned and well defined then his as his hips moved desperately with the furious trusts of his brother. The questions that burden him forgotten temporarily as clouds of whiteness and smoky rainbow tinted puffs burst in the confines of his mind, and then he was coming hard again.

Kurogane looked down at his brother through hooded eyes, feeling the malleable body mold against him in perfection, burning in the heat of their combined passion. He gave a low moan as he felt the pant up lust bubbling from the centre of him, sweat dripping down from his forehead to his neck before landing on ivory skin pinned beneath him. The tight grip of velvet muscles around his cock clamped around him in a power vise of slick slippery heat. He tightens his grip with his right hand on the sharp lean curves of his brother's hip to better angle his trusts, and then he felt the tension coming loose and before the heady ecstasy overcomes him, he whispered into Fay's ear feeling his lithe body still trembling from its own release, words that professed his satisfaction.

Fay's body shook with recognition through the haze of pleasure at the voice that had grunted him his bliss, and he shudder with a strangled throaty moan as he felt his brother's seed spreading its warmth within him at the same time. The intense maelstrom of their climax left both of them spent, boneless and well sated. Kurogane pulled out gently feeling his brother shiver slightly from it, and lay beside Fay stroking his hair lazily; both not bothered about the sticky wetness on their bodies.

"I love you, baby brother." Kurogane said softly, his chest still rising and falling in an unsteady rhythm.

Fay didn't react as much as he wanted to scream to the whole world on the love he held for Kurogane, because his concession was bittersweet knowing that his brother's warmth still had to be shared with someone else. But the separation of emotions when Kurogane said those words brought him back to the state of his inner anguish, he needed to know what his brother truly felt because he sees in those crimson eyes the same torment he had suffered before…and probably more so now.

He wondered if there was any point in eluding the fact that this is not going to last between them. This happiness of getting to love his brother, how long will it be his? His heart suffers the contradiction of love every moment they are together. One day, his brother would say the words and he is just waiting for the day when it happens. Life seems to be a waste sometimes when all you do is to spend it waiting, everything and every step is one long wait. He didn't believe in fairytales. He shouldn't have much difficulty waiting for this to end. It is so ironic when he had been waiting his whole life for this to happen, and now he is waiting for it to end when it had only barely begun. He had wanted someone to be his, someone to be the one who will take care of him, it was so simple and the only thing he wanted was this and him. Why couldn't he have it?

If he had accepted Dean's offer of affection, would it have been better? He might probably never love Dean back, but at least he would get to experience how it felt to be love by someone. Dean might be a bastard at times but it didn't escape Fay's notice that he had not had anyone else ever since they met. He had not told Dean about the developments between him and his brother. It wasn't necessary to. Although he disallow Dean any entrance into his current life, only meeting the green eye man at the club where they worked together, they still maintained their sexual relations. Why? He doesn't have an answer but he felt that the gratitude of Dean's strange devotion to him can only be repaid through such acts.

Fay knows the relationship was not only beyond the limits of morality and controversy; it had entered into the realm of bizarre. He had always thought things will change if he had his brother but nothing had. Kurogane still had a girlfriend, he still kept at his wild partying lifestyle and his dubious excuse for a job and they were no nearer to being free from the burdens of their hearts. The only thing that he had managed to change was that he managed to get everyone to end up as twisted as he is. They were all thrown into living a life of deception to themselves, creating a strange sexual dependency on each other and an unhealthy addiction for carnal pleasure. All these caused another question to surface in his mind…did he really understand what he wants from love?

"Do I deserve you, Kuro?" Fay asked not daring to look into those crimson eyes, afraid to see more then he had the courage to know. Kurogane took a deep breath as he felt the weigh of the question knowing that any answer would be a double edge sword. He only left a great pause hanging in the air. Some people say that silence is also a form of communication and in the silence, those bits of realities become.

ooooooooo

"I won't be joining you guys tonight." Kurogane announced to her once she stepped into the dressing room.

Tomoyo looked at him through his reflection on the mirror, framed with yellowish warm light bulbs and wondered what will be his excuse tonight again. He seemed to be in a hurry to leave as he tore out of his costume and rubbed roughly at the make-up on his skin.

"It's a celebratory party for the opening of the performance. You can't…not be there."

"I'm sorry but I promised my broth…" he explained impatiently.

"Stop using Fay as an excuse!" Tomoyo burst out, "I don't know what's going on but you're just not with me for the past couple of weeks! If you've met someone else why don't you be open about it? It's not like I wasn't expecting it!"

Kurogane slowly put down the piece of wet tissue in his hand, a sudden relief flooded through him when he realized Tomoyo is no where near discovering about his illicit affair.

"There's no one else, Tomoyo. Don't be imaging things on your own." He said quietly. The lie that just came out was just one of the many that he had said ever since it started, but the bitter taste of it was just as strong.

"Then why don't you invite Fay along instead?" Tomoyo demanded with a look that seems to dare him to contradict her qualms.

"I can't…he can't. He starts work in less then three hours and he needs his rest."

"Then why are you going over?"

"Why can't you have some trust in me? My mobile is on. You can call me anytime." Kurogane says brusquely hoping that this conversation would die away as soon as possible. It is impossibly uncomfortable to have Tomoyo clinging on so tightly to her instinct and grilling him about her suspicions.

Tomoyo crossed her arms infront of her and took a step back out the door, a subtle sign of retreat. She didn't want to push him, least he broke up with her there and then. He could deny all he wanted but a woman's intuition is also seldom wrong.

"Could you come after you have finished whatever you need to do with Fay then?" she conceded, "You know those guys won't end the night till they are piss drunk."

Kurogane sighed knowing that this is the least that he could do to ease her doubts and nodded as he walked towards her, pulling her into an apologetic hug without words. He ran his fingers up and down her forearm, all the while thinking about how what to say to Fay next because he had promised to stay the night.

Tomoyo relaxed uneasily into the embrace wondering when this ocean had appeared between them, she could still feel the dependency of her heart upon his. No matter what had changed between them, she still wants to be part of his life. She hoped he still believed that she will be there for him but she could no longer believe if he will be there for her. Perhaps she should give up because their love was too young to hurt any deeper then it should. Everytime when she thought that she had gotten near enough to Kurogane, he would turn distant. Despite all their physical intimacy, it was as if they never stepped past the borders of friendship and the initial attraction they had for each other.

Now even as she suffered the touch of his absent minded caresses, she thought about how love steals away the most precious parts of you. They often say love makes one feels complete, whole, but that wasn't how she felt at all. Every bit of happiness she gained, she was afraid of losing it. Every step taken with him had only proved that the ground they walked on together was shakier then before and her heart was always bound by tension, waiting for something to happen. Where was the security, where were the pieces of the puzzle that would complete her? She was still waiting for him to give them to her.

ooooooooo

The man in the theatre dances to a fast rhythm. The piano piece blaring from the speakers had already lost its harmonious melody and to his ears, all he hears is a distorted wail of a mute's anguish. His knees already weak like jelly and threatening to give was forced relentlessly to move, just so the exhaustion could make him forget the guilt so deeply entrenched within. His mind was cloudy as it lost all its concentration, spinning just as fast as his turns. It shows in his hurried movements. His limbs were throwing themselves out in angry strokes, their stretches short and jerky. Distraction, he thought, all he needs is another distraction because whatever lies between him and his brother was supposed to be another abstraction.

Everything is wrong; all the things that have been upright in his life had turned upside down. Three months down the road, the fights were only ever increasing with both of them. The frustrations of leading a double life is starting to tear him apart and he could only blame himself for this situation. He is the deceitful betrayal with ulterior motives, when both of them had been honest with their intentions from the start. He is caught up in between, not knowing which fork in the road would be his best choice, and his selfish heart was reluctant to give up either of them. He needed her for the hope she gave for his future, he needed him for his need to feel alive. Both are essential, both are part of him, his left and right hand, heart and blood.

But he had to ask himself….if he had to ask something out of life, what would he ask for? Would his priority be the superficial needs of daily life, or, something infinitely more profound? Will it be love or to just simply know what the true context of contentment?

He wanted to not do anything at all and stay there still like a statue hoping that everything bad would vanish but he could feel the burden of strain that time has placed on him, and in its hand was the inescapable rock of truth. He cannot pretend that it was oblivious, but to run away and be the coward was just as difficult and as selfish an act to perform. Because in the end everyone will be hurt one way or another, the monumental stake that was being gambled on his one decision was more then he could imagine.

Even if everything had ended could he truly forget? How does he forget about another who once shared the most intimate knowledge of his body? They were flash and blood and inextricably linked for better or worse, could he bear to cut away this blood tie? These doubts and questions kept creeping upon him like the hazy figure of a ghost from the corner of his eyes, refusing to disappear.

But the more he tried to forget, the more Fay tugged on his memories, like a weight that was hooked to his being, pulling it down with devastating passion and unbidden lust. He had always search for that elusive definition of passion. He found it but was it worth it to let everything fall apart? He had given in to this impulse and in their little world that was built within the walls of that tiny apartment; he failed to see the consequences that their actions had caused. Yet, he could not bring himself to hurt Tomoyo. He doesn't love her enough to do it.

When love couldn't give you a deadline and when you are at a breaking point, how far would you still go? He knows everything has to end when he realized the fondness in his heart has long gone cold, and had turned into feelings of heaviness of dread. What hurts the most was that they were so close, and to know what could have been and that they will have to walk away from it all. He loves Fay…so much…so much. He had spent his whole life looking out for him and Fay had been the only person who understands him the most, inside out. And because he loves his baby brother more than life itself, he could not bring them full circle down the path of destruction. He had sin enough by giving in his desires; he had used his brother's body by taking advantage of his feelings. Since Kurogane could not give him a future, he would give Fay his present. The best thing to right everything was to let go and return his brother the freedom that he never had. He no longer wants to see his brother's heart hanging from a thread; waiting for something he can never have…he could never give.

Everyone carries their own sins; the only difference is how one deals with it to appease their conscience.