Author's Notes: Apparently I'm not the only one who has missed Burns/Smithers fics, so even if I can't be helped I can help a fellow fan in need. Here's to non-superficial slash pairings!

Mr. Burns Takes the Tasks to the Extreme

If there was one word to describe Mr. Burns, it would probably be "magnificent." No one else in the world could order me around so blatantly, and obtain a positive response. One day, I was feeling very bold, so I decided to ask Mr. Burns what it would take for him to consider me.

"I consider you all the time, Smithers. You are a very good assistant," Mr. Burns said.

"No, sir," I mentioned, "I was referring to romantic attraction."

"Romantic attraction? Well it is a bit odd. I am fond of the fairer sex, you know?" Mr. Burns reminded, hurting me once again.

"Is there anything, anything at all I can do to make you like me?" I asked desperately.

"Okay," Mr. Burns said, "I'll give you the ultimate challenge."

"The-the ultimate challenge?" I asked. I was quite nervous to say the least. What was the ultimate challenge?

"First, you must have the mayor impeached!" he challenged. It was easy enough once I exposed his affair with Miss Springfield to the masses. The new mayor was elected, and it was Mr. Burns. Lisa Simpson tried to protest because of course it wasn't the mayor's fault he was impeached.

"Now, you must talk in Shakespearean English for my amusement!" he doth challenge me, so I followed through with my liege's orders, and he hath never since seen such an articulate display. Wherefore? I cannot fathom.

"Now you will play a rousing game of Whack-a-Mole with me!" he requested. So we did. He won by 15 points, because I went easy on him.

"I want a big shiny emerald!" he shouted. I went over to the Wiseguy's store. I purchased the most beautiful emerald he had on sale.

Then we sat in silence for 32 minutes, just because he wanted to see what it was like.

Then, just as contrast, we spent the next 32 minutes having a loud and rowdy money fight. I waited in anticipation for my next challenge.

"You will take over the school system," he said. So here's what I did. I paid the Superintendent to go to Luigi's Bistro. Once he was there, I took over his office, and requested all the teachers do as Mr. Burns said. And now all the students had to pay to go to school.

Then we sat watching TV for 32 minutes.

"Buy me a comic book!" he commissioned. So I visited Comic Book Guy and I asked if he remembered the time Kang kidnapped us.

"That never happened," he responded. "It's Discontinuity/"

I then bought Mr. Burns the best comic book ever—Radioactive Man & Fall Out Boy visit Malibu Stacy. He thought it was silly.

"Nurture me as if I were a baby!" he ordered. So I did everything I could. I fed him milk from a bottle, rocked him to sleep and sang to him. But in three hours he woke up crying.

"What is it, sir?" I asked.

"Go kill some bad guy!" he shouted.

I was frightened by this challenge, until he handed me the weapon.

"With this sword!" he shouted fiercely. I took the sword and went to kill the first bad guy in sight… it was the mayor again. I slew the horrible ex-mayor, and showed Mr. Burns.

"Now, let's celebrate by going to the beach!" So we did.

We then practiced our creepy evil laughs for 32 minutes.

"Now go call someone racist!" he shouted. I found Mr. Leonard and called him racist just to confuse the heck out of him.

"But I'm not racist!" Lenny shouted, "My best friend is black!"

"The fact that you care proves you're racist!" Mr. Burns chimed in. Making people feel bad was fun when Mr. Burns did it with me.

We then played darts for 32 minutes.

"You will now breathe fire!" he ordered. So I took an habanera pepper and put it on my tongue and I chewed until I started breathing fire. He was quite amused.

"Now you will obtain a pig from the yokels, and roast it for me," he requested. I did so in a matter of minutes because Cletus was asleep and Brandine was giving away free pigs while he was sleeping, because he really wouldn't notice the difference.

"Now!" Mr. Burns says, "You will let me try on your glasses."

"But I'm blind without them, sir…"

"But I want to see what it's like."

"If you say so," I complied. I took my glasses off and handed them to Mr. Burns. He looked so cute with them on. But alas, he got dizzy and I got my glasses back.

"Go tell Booberella you like her boobs with a straight face," Mr. Burns challenged. I could tell by the steepness of the difficulty curve that I was nearing the end. I couldn't back down.

I found Booberella and told her, "I like your boobs."

She smiled at me. I had to run away, afraid of what she might do to me if she took me seriously… maybe that was Mr. Burns' plan all along.

But he followed through, "Now, here is the final challenge. You must… make out with the mayor's widow."

"After I killed her husband?" I asked, "But… she won't let me."

"Of course she will!" Mr. Burns cried, "She hated that man."

I found Martha Quimby, incredibly stoic for someone whose husband had died earlier that day, and I asked her if she wanted to kiss me.

"Did you kill Joseph?" she asked.

"Yes," I said sheepishly. Without warning, her lips were on mine. I closed my eyes and imagined Mr. Burns kissing me.

Mr. Burns was watching the whole time, jaw agape at us. I parted lips with her and said, "Now, Mrs. Quimby, I'm sorry, but it won't work out between us."

"I know," said Mrs. Quimby, "Everyone in town knows you and Mr. Burns are more than just friends."

"But we aren't… not yet… the entire purpose of me making out with you was part of a challenge he set so that we could be more than friends."

"And," Mr. Burns said, "I am a man of my word. You've painstakingly gone through all my challenges, and so I suppose I owe you a relationship. But let me get a small taste first." Mr. Burns kissed me. This wasn't the CPR thing from the drug conflict; this wasn't the one-sided attempt from the apocalypse. This was real.

I made out with him for 32 minutes. Then we decided to take it further.

"Now, this is the first time I've ever done this," Mr. Burns said, "Be gentle."

"More like YOU be gentle!" I shouted.

Here we were, fighting over who got to be on the bottom. But we can all agree I should've been, right?

"I'm just unsure, Smithers," Mr. Burns told me, "Isn't the top position for the vibrant one?"

"It's for the dominant one—you know, the boss—you…"

"That's just a stereotype!" he loudly proclaimed. "I could enjoy it just as much as you…"

We fought over the bottom position for 32 minutes, but alas, the winner was never found, because we were walked in on by Lenny Leonard, who seemed unimpressed or surprised by the thought of the two of us doing the deed in Mr. Burns' office.

"Hey, guys! Carl says I'm not racist!"

Mr. Burns and I, in the buff, chased Lenny out of the office saying, "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY!"

"Fine!" he said, walking away, "Mr. Smithers, you're so cranky."

But I wouldn't be cranky for long. No I wouldn't be cranky for long.

Author's Note: 32 minutes is arbitrary. If someone knows anything it's "referencing", it's not. Especially if it's something I've never heard of. However, I would gladly take offered credit for it.

The challenges and the pre-slash "32 minutes" bits were inspired by a character card bucket I have in my room that has characters from the Simpsons and 10 other wonderful sources. There are over 530 characters in it.

Review to comment on the story, and if you liked it, your favorite one of the challenges, and whether you want Mr. Burns or Smithers to win the argument at the end.