A/N: Here we go. Another superb story brought by yours truly. And I wohn't be giving any spoilers for this one, because I'm making this all up as i go. On the fly. Off the dome. Freestyle. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, and i don't make any money from this writings. It is strictly for fun and practice.

Chapter One: Die Hard

Harry's brain, which was running a mile a second with arithmetical calculations and patterns of ancient runes, came to a screeching halt when he felt the desk shake. Several pages with formulas, graphs and runic solutions fell from the overcrowded wall against his desk. A sigh, which went unheard over the loud music from the room next to his, escaped his lips as he stood up and walked to the wall opposite of the one that was occupied with his soon to be breakthrough.

"Would you cut off that darned noise you call music." Harry Potter shouted as he banged his fists on the wall that separated his small mess of a room with Dudley's enormous bedroom. This was the third night in a row that he had to do this. Ever since he came back from his fifth year in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, he had to deal with Dudley's wailing new sound system, which was loud enough to be used at rock concerts. Dudley probably couldn't discern his banging from the noise of the music, so he had to go into Dudley's room and "intimidate" him. Again.

Sometime after his third year, Dudley had learned not to get Harry upset. Not because he was scared of Harry, but because Harry constantly carried on his wrist a small black snake with red markings on the back, small enough that when coiled around his wrist looked like one of those wristbands that basketball players wore. It was of a rare magical species which ancient Egyptians referred to as "death-worms", and it's poison could kill a human in three minutes, while basilisk venom killed in a minute and a half, and the snake was very convenient for covert assassinations, but this particular snake's main purpose was intimidating Dudley and Vernon. It found it quite funny seeing "the giants'" faces go white whenever it lifted its head and flicked its little red forked tongue out.

Harry sighed as he opened the door to the hallway, which his uncle Vernon didn't dare lock, for Harry had threatened to release his deadly snake through the crack under it and kill him and his family in their sleep if he ever found the door locked. When he got up in the mornings he usually found the door unlocked, but there was always a towel stuck in the opening under it. He got out in the hallway and walked down to the door of Dudley's room. He quickly opened the door and stepped in what seemed like a 90/10 mixture of the third circle of hell and the third circle of heaven.

Smoke everywhere, clogging his lungs, infernally loud death metal music, with a deep voice grunting like a chorus of pigs, an overwhelming smell of alcohol and marijuana, and in the middle of it all, Dudley's gang with all of their incredibly sexy girlfriends. A slim girl with black eyeshade, red lipstick and pale enough to be Voldemort's long lost daughter licked Dudley's ear as he gulped down a can of beer. All of the people in the room were drunk and stoned, bar Harry himself, who stayed one hundred percent sober and clean when he worked on his spell. He stood there for ten seconds, waiting for someone of the berks to notice him, before he finally lost his patience and walked to the big black stereo system and pressed the on/off button. The music blared for a second after he tapped the button, before it exponentially became quieter and quieter, before dying out completely with one last boom.

Glazed over eyes snapped at him as he stared at the group of delinquents before him, and eyes narrowed at him after their owners' intoxicated brains recognized him as "the Potter boy".

"Whachoo want, Potty?" came the irritated and irritating voice of Piers Polkiss, the slim rat-faced boy in Dudley's gang. When they were younger and enjoyed a game of Harry Hunting, Piers was the only one that could keep up with Harry for more than two minutes, but with the recent drug abuse the group underwent left him just as weak and stupid as the rest of them. The idiotic gang in their colorful shirts changed drastically while Harry was away for his fourth fifth year in Hogwarts. Nearly all of them had their tongues and faces pierced in one place or another, and all of them started dressing exclusively in black and listen to Death Metal music. Hell, since they were already the troublemakers in the neighborhood, they might as well complete the image.

"I want to be able to work in peace. Kindly keep the volume down. You don't want me to sick Jack on you." said Harry as he turned the volume knob of the system from 0 dB to -30 dB. Dudley face went ashen at the name Jack, and he gulped once. Piers however, didn't notice Dudley's predicament, and he rebutted Harry's threat with a smirk.

"Who is this Jack you will sick on me? Your hamster?" asked Polkiss before the room exploded in laughter. Everybody was laughing hysterically, bar Harry and Dudley, Harry because he thought that Polkiss' joke was lame, and Dudley, because he knew what Jack was.

"No. Jack is not a hamster. Jack eats hamsters." said Harry calmly after the laughter died down.

"Whachoo mean "Jack eats hamsters"? Is Jack a cat? Are you going to sick a cat on me? If it's black, bad luck just might kill me!" said Polkiss and the room exploded into laughter again at his lame ass joke.

"This is Jack." said Harry as he grabbed Piers leather vest with his right hand before lifting his left hand to his face. The small snake on his wrist lifted its head, flicked its tongue and barred its small and lethal fangs. A churning sound was heard as Piers Polkiss wet his pants right there and then, and Harry, satisfied with the intimidation, let go of the terrified boy. He went back to his room and continued with his calculations. As he went through the material, his mind stopped to rest, and he reminisced about the time he started learning Arithmancy and Ancient Runes.

~~~~~Flashback, 18 June 1994~~~~~

"Harry! Harry!" a voice came as Harry was sleeping. He bolted up, lost his balance and fell from his bed on the floor, with his legs entangled in the blanket.

"Wha..?" mumbled Harry as he looked around for the voice. He finally spotted the glowing mirror on his desk, so he untangled himself from the old blanket, got up and went to it.

"Mirror on. What is it Sirius?" asked Harry while scratching his head.

"Hey, pup. Got the place cleaned out. You can come over right now." said Sirius.

"Yes, but, how am I getting there?" asked Harry.

"Easy. I already sent an owl with an illegal portkey. All you have to do is touch the goblet and you're off at my place." said Sirius, the excitement evident in his voice.

"But, wouldn't an illegal portkey alert the authorities?" asked Harry confusedly.

"Harry, portkeys cannot be tracked unless they carry a tacking charm on them. That is why they are illegal to make and the license is hard to come by. If portkeys were so traceable, then Voldemort would have been stopped a long time ago, since his entire army uses portkeys to retreat." said Sirius in explanation, and Harry saw the logic in his words.

"Alright. When did you send the owl?" asked Harry after sitting down on his rackety chair.

"It will be there in a minute or three." answered Sirius. A short pause settled before Harry sighed.

"What is it Harry?" asked Sirius in a worried tone.

"Nothing. It's just that… I wish I could do magic outside of school." said Harry demurely.

"Well, that is one of the reasons I called you over." said Sirius with a roguish smile.

"What? What about the ministry?" asked Harry incredulously.

"Harry, Harry, Harry. You should know by now that the ministry is a bunch of incompetent bigots that care about nothing but their wages and blood purity. That is why they fought, or at least tried to fight, Voldemort on his first rise. If Voldemort was only about blood purity, he would have been their main poster boy, but since he wanted to take over and rule Britain, they declared him a terrorist. Not many know this, but the ministry only has the means to detect magic in households that are not warded or are lightly warded. Almost every pureblood house has top notch wards, and even if a pureblood house has light or no wards, the government assumes that it's the adult wizards and witches doing the magic, not their kids. They turn a blind eye to the ones like Malfoy that train their children during the summer, in order to prove that purebloods are more talented in magic than halfbloods and muggleborns." Sirius explained, and left Harry gobsmacked.

"So, does that mean I can do magic at your house?" asked an excited Harry.

"Yes. As I said, that is one of the reasons that I wanted you to come over at my place, which by the way, has top notch wards, since it is… the Noble and Ancient House of Black." Sirius said, spitting the last part as it was another name for the devil.

"That's great. But what am I going to do while at the Dursleys', since I can't practice magic here?" asked Harry demurely.

"Well, you cannot cast spells with your wand, but let's see… there is potions…" said Sirius and Harry immediately made a sour face. Sirius just laughed at him.

"Yeah, I would feel the same way if Snivellus was teaching me the subject. Now let's see… Arithmancy and Ancient Runes." said Sirius.

"But, I don't know anything Ancient Runes or Arithmancy." said Harry confusedly.

"Don't worry. You'll learn from beginner's books, and move to more advanced one. There's your portkey." said Sirius, and Harry turned around to see a brown indistinguishable owl stand on his window sill with a small silver goblet tied to its leg. He got up and snatched the goblet and both the owl and Harry Potter disappeared in a flash.

~~~~~End Flashback~~~~~

And that was how his love for spell crafting was born. He ate up the basic material within a week, and continued reading more and more advanced material, learning more and more runes and solving more and more arithmetical problems with each passing day. If Defense against the Dark Arts was is forte, then spell crafting was his gift. He started creating small useful spells, a quick shaving charm, a body freshening spell, and his most used masterpiece, a hair styling spell that managed to make his hair stand upright in small spikes, rather than looking like a dried up old mop that grew out his head.

Harry rubbed his taut and defined abs as he thought about all that Sirius had done for him, all that he had taught him and revealed to him, his brain favoring reminiscence over work as his hand automatically twirled the pen in it. He and Sirius decided that they needed to get in shape on their very first meeting in Grimmauld place, and with diet and exercise, Harry became wiry and strong, while Sirius regained his health from his twelve-year bid in Azkaban.

He first learned about Occlumency from Sirius, and Sirius guided him to be fairly proficient in the art, so proficient that Snivellus could see only what Harry wanted him to see, even when he used a wand and charged his way in. He understood that he had to appear weak in the eyes of Snape, because he knew that Snape was on the side of Voldemort. Harry really didn't know why Dumbledore trusted Snape, but he would never forgive the old man for trusting Snape with Harry's mind, something that Dumbledore didn't possess.

He guessed a long time ago that the old man was plotting something, and he obviously didn't trust Harry, or rather the apparent insecurity of Harry's mind to include him in his plots. Nevertheless, Harry more or less guessed Dumbledore's train of thoughts, and built plots of his own within the old man's plots, while still holding the appearance of an innocent little boy, or even later, an angsty teenager. He had dabbled in Legilimency, enough so that he could fully enter an undefended mind undetected, but he had to use his wand to batter any defenses the opponent had.

Sirius also thought him many spells, most of them on Auror level and some of them dark. Every spell Harry learned from the easy going Sirius seemed to get easier with every casting, so they checked his core, and they were both astonished when they had discovered just how big Harry's core was. Harry was astonished by its size, but he was not surprised. He had learned long ago that he would never be just a regular wizard, that his fame and all of his unusual and rare talents wouldn't go away, so he accepted anything that would help him in his fight against Voldemort.

Yes. Sirius was the first to tell him of the prophecy, back in the very first meeting they had in Grimmauld place. He didn't know the full prophecy, but he knew enough, and what he knew drove him to the decision to help Harry any way he could. The possibility that Harry was going to die was a very big and real one, so Sirius had made sure that Harry lived, that Harry experienced everything good in life before he went head to head against Voldemort.

The first thing Sirius introduced him to was a theme park in London. They had an excellent time, and Harry got to enjoy life as a child for the very first time, if you weren't counting the joyous rides on his broom. That was also the only time they did anything that normal kids do.

The next thing on Sirius' list was alcohol, Firewhiskey to be precise. They had drinking sessions at least once a week during every summer. While they were drinking, Sirius usually told tales of his days at Hogwarts, so he got to knew what his parents were really like, beyond what any of the professors at Hogwarts could tell him. Generally, his father had been a fun and charismatic prat, while his mother had been a studious and responsible stuck-up. He didn't like it, but they were humans after all, and that was the truth. He was just glad that he was a perfect mix of both his parents.

The next thing Sirius introduced him to was sex. Not, the usual birds and bees responsibility bullshit parents fed young teenagers, hoping that they wouldn't become grandparents too soon. It was actual sex. After he had turned fourteen, Sirius deemed him ready to start his "sex training", and once a week they would dress as muggles and go to one of the brothels in London. With a different girl each time and an impervious charm on his nether regions to prevent the leaking fluids from the hooker seep through his skin, thus preventing any and all infections, allowed him to experience sex thoroughly on every level one could imagine. He didn't like it at first, since most of the hookers didn't like what they did, but they were forced by their respective pimps, but Sirius explained to him that he couldn't live with the knowledge that his godson was going to die being a frustrated virgin. That shut up Harry nicely, and let him enjoy the sex. Besides, judging by the sounds his partners usually emitted, the hookers liked what he did very much.

Since Sirius taught him "The Art of Sex" as he referred to their whoring, he explained to him that he couldn't go about his whole life whoring, so he started teaching him flirting and wooing. If sex was an art, flirting and wooing was a whole science, with several branches to it. Harry had to cover the basics in several lessons before they started practicing. Harry and Sirius would go clubbing, meeting girls from different ages, and at the beginning, Sirius usually left with a girl on his hand, while Harry's hands were firmly placed in his pockets.

Slowly, night by night, they together analyzed Harry's conversations, which they recorded with a device called G.T.E., or girl-talk eavesdropper, something Sirius created by modifying one of Frank Longbottom's remembrals in his fourth year at Hogwarts in order to inconspicuously eavesdrop on the slumber parties the girls organized in their dorm, trying to figure out what girls liked and disliked. Sirius pointed out the mistakes Harry made with girls, and after two weeks of clubbing and failures and no sex (since Sirius thought that lack of sex would motivate Harry properly, they stopped visiting brothels), Harry finally left a club and got into a taxi with his hand around a sixteen year old girl's waist, which he promptly took to Sirius' flat in London (they had to relocate because Grimmauld place was under the Fidelius Charm, and the Order moved in right after Harry announced the return of Voldemort in the end of his fourth year), and then to heaven.

The morning after was quite hilarious, and Harry had a fond smile as he remembered.

~~~~~Flashback, 27 June 1995~~~~~

Harry was awoken as the door to his darkened room opened. His bleary eyes followed the dark figure as it walked to the windows and pulled the shutters up.

"Rise and shine sleepyheads. It's the dawn of a new day… more like… It's the afternoon of a new day." said Sirius in an awfully cheerful voice.

"Urgh. S- Sam! I'm going to kill you one of these days." said Harry as his eyes adjusted to the light, and he saw Sirius in nothing but a pair of boxers, grinning down at him from one of the chairs on the room. Harry remembered that they were not alone in the room, and he almost slipped, but remembered in the last second that he was supposed to call Sirius by the name of Sam, because the "Wanted: Sirius Black" posters were still all over London, and the name Sirius wasn't common at all. They couldn't take the risk, even though now Sirius looked completely different, with his hair short and his mustache and beard shaved cleanly.

"Aaaaaah! Who are you? I'm warning you, my boyfriend is going to kick your ass!" screamed Mandy, the girl he picked up the night before as she pulled the sheets tightly to her chest while accidentally pulling them off Harry. Harry sighed as his morning erection speared toward the ceiling, Mandy's eyes glued to it with drool coming out of her mouth, while Sirius' smirk grew wider as he saw Mandy's drooling face.

"Do you always have this effect on them, kiddo?" asked Sirius as Harry stood up and pulled on his boxers.

"Do you always barge in a room like this? And don't call me kiddo." warned Harry in a dangerous voice.

"Yes, and no can't do. Kiddo, kiddo, kiddo, kiddo, kiddo, kiddo, k-umph!" Sirius was interrupted as Harry's wallet smacked him over the mouth.

"Sheesh. Okay, okay! I get the picture. I'm out!" he said before he got up and left.

"Who the hell was that?" asked Mandy with her eyes wide.

"That, was my sensational, one and only godfather." said Harry as he pulled on his pants.

"Does he have a screw loose or something? Why was he acting like a child? Is he like that all the time?" asked Mandy.

"Yeah. He's almost always like that." said Harry.

"Yes, but why?" asked Mandy insistently.

"It's a long story. Let's just say that he had a severe emotional trauma that made him appreciate life and all the good things that come with it. Can I call you a cab?" said Harry shortly.

"Why? Can't I stay with you?" asked Mandy, sensing what was coming.

"You can't. We, that is, my godfather and I, have some important business to tend to." said Harry as he put on his t-shirt.

"So, this was just a one night stand?" asked Mandy incredulously. She was a cheerleader of her high school football team, and one of the top five sexiest girls in her high school. Every guy she ever met wanted to be her boyfriend, and Harry here used her for a one night stand? It didn't make much sense.

"You could say that. I thought you knew what you were getting yourself into last night." said Harry as he walked over to the chair Sirius sat in and looked for his wallet. He found it and placed it in the back pocket of his jeans.

"What about… us… and all the things you said last night?" asked Mandy incuriously. She still couldn't believe she was ditched. There is always a first for anything.

"Look. You didn't and don't want a relationship with me, at least not one based on love. You saw me spend a load of cash on drinks last night, looking cool, and figured out a way to boost your popularity. I'm sorry your underhanded plans didn't work out on me. I know your friends watched you leave with a rich hottie, and you get at least several popularity points for that, but this is obviously not a romantic relationship. Now get dressed while I call you cab." said Harry as he picked up the phone and called a cab to his location.

After Mandy left the flat, Sirius entered the room with a wicked grin on his face. Harry raised his palm towards him and received a high five.

"Ten on the in and ten on the out. Sexy points eight and a half, total points- twenty eight point five. I would call it beginners luck, but since I trained you, I'd say you're great because you had a great teacher." said Sirius with a cocky grin.

"Oh, I don't know. Perhaps the student outdid the teacher?" asked Harry with an equally cocky grin. Sirius smacked him upside the head for that one.

"Don't get cocky, young apprentice. My total average is twenty nine. In fact, I have a straight ten sleeping in by bedroom right now." said Sirius. At Harry's narrowed eyes, Sirius rolled his eyes and grabbed Harry's elbow before he dragged him over to his room. On the bed, covered in white sheets slept a girl- no, a woman, with blonde hair. Her makeup was smudged all over the face and she was snoring lightly.

"This is you strait ten?" asked Harry in and incredulous whisper. Sirius just smirked before he pulled the sheet off her gently.

"Notice the completely flat stomach and medium to large firm breasts. The nipples are perfectly proportional to the breast size, and the belly button is vertically elongated. The skin is creamy and smooth, indicating that she takes great care of it and had never gained weight. The behind is smooth, round and firm, and has no signs of cellulite, indicating that she either jogs in the mornings or she plays tennis somewhere." said Sirius in a 'mad scientist' whisper, making him sound creepy in the scantly lit room.

"Hn. So she must work out." said Harry.

"A little bit. Not on our level though. Our regime either makes you or brakes you. We're in a league of our own, kid." said Sirius.

"Would you stop calling me kid?" asked Harry, right before he threw a punch at Sirius' face. Sirius shook his head, spit out some blood from the cut lip he just received, looked at him with a long and serious look that was not really suiting his face, and… smiled.

"Alright Harry. You're all grown up now." said Sirius with a nod.

~~~~~End Flashback~~~~~

He remembered his training vividly, perhaps because he endured much pain during it. Sometimes they would lock themselves in the apartment and would lift weights until exhaustion. Their motto was "As long as you have the strength to stay conscious, you have the strength to lift one more time", so they literally did that. They would lift and lift and lift, over and over and over again, and their arms would start shaking from strain, and they would keep lifting. The first week was a nightmare. Their muscles were inflamed so bad they couldn't move an inch, so they dragged themselves to their bedrooms and dropped on their beds, sleeping and regaining their strength. After they felt normal again, they went back in the training room and continued abusing their bodies.

But lifting wasn't everything. They also did lots of running. Usually Sirius would make an illegal portkey twenty miles away from the entrance of the city, and they would then run the way back. They increased the distance for a mile every week. By the time Harry was fifteen, he could jog for three hours straight before collapsing. He brushed his hand across his abs again. He had concentrated on his waist and on his arms when training and they were so hard he felt that a bullet would just bounce off them.

"Harry! Harry, are you there?" came the familiar voice of Sirius. Harry looked around, before he got up from his chair and opened his trunk. The enchanted mirror laid there with Sirius' face in it.

"I'm here Sirius." answered Harry with a small smile.

"Gee. Aren't you happy to see me alive?" asked Sirius in a mock offended tone.

"Cut it off, bozo. I knew it wasn't you in the Department of Mysteries." said Harry with a grin.

"And how would you know that?" asked Sirius with a raised eyebrow.

"You were the one that taught me that there wasn't any time for mocking and taunting during a duel, and yet you mock Bellatrix every chance you get? I don't think so. So, who died in your place?" asked Harry curiously.

"Kreacher. Yep, found out he sold me out to Bella and Cissy and I gave him one last order. Stuffed him with polijuice, gave him one of my wands, taught him a few spells, ordered him to act like I was acting when I was fourteen and then ordered him to go and just die instead of I. Wow, it even rhymes. I might just write a poem about it." he said, before he disappeared through the mirror. He came back minutes later with a skull, probably from one of the severed elf heads that were placed in Grimmauld's hallways, one that had decomposed to a skull. He raised the skull and faced it in an overly dramatic way, as if he was acting out Hamlet, and started reciting.

"A treacherous creature's demise,
with a crazed look in its eyes
falling back softly in the embrace of death
still mumbling curses under its breath.

Don't shed tears over its end
because this creature was already bent,
and I don't say that in its defense,
to be my doom it did its best.

It sold my secrets to my enemy,
it was a true and epic treachery,
but I found out, and instead of cry,
I sent it in my place to die.

How do you like it?" asked Sirius with the happiest grin Harry had ever seen on his face. Harry clapped a bit before he responded.

"I like it. Well, now I know why you never trusted the little bugger. And Hermione was always like 'Oh, he's just misunderstood. He is old and weak; you can't take it against him'. God I hate it when she get's defensive of someone who doesn't even deserve it. But the way you handled the situation, I have two words Sirius. Fucking genius." said Harry with a wicked grin on his face.

"Yeah. Speaking of genius Harry, what is the situation on the spell?" asked Sirius with an eager look in his eyes.

"Almost done Sirius. I added a small failsafe, you know, in order not to create a black hole and suck up the whole planet. The added features are finished, and now I'm in the process of adding a few stronger failsafes and reviewing the total material before we finally test it. My calculations say it will be finished within the week." said Harry in a flat tone that held the hint of excitement in it.

"Within the week? That is… What? Four days? Man, you've been busy at the Dursleys." said Sirius in astonishment. The base took Harry a whole summer to construct, and now he did the failsafes in just two weeks.

"You have no idea. Been working on it day and night. Haven't slept in three days." said Harry, and Sirius noticed the tiredness in his words.

"Shit, kid. You overdid it this time. You are taking a break. I'm sending you a portkey right now." said Sirius before his face disappeared from the mirror. He had a habit of hanging up on Harry before Harry could even protest any decision he made, but Harry got used to it fast. Not half an hour later, an owl flew through his window, carrying a portkey that would take Harry to… well, only Sirius knew that.