Hi everyone, this was just meant to be a short one-shot in response to the fourth season episode sex and violence so naturally there are spoilers here. It turned out to be a bit longer than a short one-shot. Okay ALOT longer but oh well.
It's not a happy one guys and neither does it paint Sam in the most positive of light. But to be honest I wasn't a fan of Sam when I started writing this and having seen the rest of the season while writing this. I find I'm still not a Sam fan. This piece reflects that. It's also what I think should have been said after this. The ending well that took a bit longer to write and I'm kinda pleased with it let me know what you think.
Disclamier: I do not own Supernatural I only wish I did although if Dean was ever willing to be mine I'd have him in a heartbeat.
One last thing.. Song Someday belongs to Nickelback. Now on with the show...
Someday
Dean Winchester sat in his Impala silently, his brother was in the passenger seat but for once Dean had no wish to talk to his baby brother. His baby's speaker's belted out the familiar tunes of Metallica and Def Leppard which, he tapped out on the steering wheel as he drove. The music covering the awkward silence between himself and his brother. He knew Sam wanted to talk but every time he saw Sam start to talk he'd turned up the volume until the car was practically pulsing with the beats.
The music was familiar and comforting in a situation that was spiralling out of control. He mourned the time when their lives were black and white, complicated and never the normal Sammy had once wanted but to Dean his life had made sense. Now he accepted that his life had spiralled way past that. Now Sammy was Sam, a person he didn't know and couldn't begin to understand and Dean, well, he didn't know who he was anymore. Now he didn't have any idea where their lives where leading or what he was meant to do.
He could admit that he didn't know what the hell anymore. He had no idea when it had happened, if he had been in hell or if he had been looking and just hadn't seen, but him and his brother? They weren't even close to brothers anymore. The last case had just proved it. He didn't even know what they were anymore.
How the hell we wind up like this
He remembered the words he had uttered to the Sam just after the Siren and Bobby coming to the rescue.
"Of course me too.
We're good."
Dean almost laughed at the blatant lie. He and his brother were living in a dreamland if either of them thought this was okay. We're good? Currently Dean and Sam were about as far from good as was cosmically possible. Dean didn't know how it had come to this but it didn't change facts. Facts he'd tried to ignore for so long, and now things were getting out of control.
His hands closed around the steering wheel almost painfully as he remembered Sam's words. They had hurt. But they had been a wake-up call. They had been truthful in amongst the bullshit his brother sought to feed him these days.
He was pissed, pissed to a brand new level of pissed-offness that even he had never reached before and he couldn't bring himself to care. He had been under the spell of the siren just as Sam had; his words had been truthful so he knew Sam's had to have been. He mentally shook his head.
Never mind all of this it was just the Siren speaking. Just who in the hell did his brother hope to fool? Did Sam honestly think he had been born yesterday? From the way he was acting, obviously.
How the hell had they got to this point?
They had once been so different but then they had learned to be brothers. Now, well they were less like brothers now than they had been when Sam had walked out the door to college.
Why weren't we able
To see the signs we'd missed
And try and turn the tables
"You're too weak you're holding me back."
He remembered Sam's face as he'd said those words. He'd been so serious. And Dean knew he had been speaking the truth because Dean's own words had been truthful. Sam was keeping secrets, and Dean didn't trust him to have his back anymore.
He didn't know if Sam would even have his back anymore. And that was something that was almost too terrifying to contemplate, considering what they did.
It was like Dean had told him as they faced off with the Siren watching, he didn't know when it had happened, whether he was in hell or whether he had been staring right Sam when it happened but Sam wasn't his brother anymore.
Dean sometimes didn't know who the man was that had his brother's face but it wasn't Sammy. Perhaps Sammy had honestly been swept away and Sam stood in his place. He could almost see the black hole between himself and his brother and mourned the loss of when they were truly brothers but he had to admit that those times were over. And he could admit that he had no idea how they had come to this.
Had it been his fault? Had it been in Hell? Or had it happened while he was stood right next to his brother too anguished over the unspeakable things he'd done in hell to see his baby brother slipping away?
He didn't care what Sam said about him, Sam couldn't understand the unspeakable things he had done in Hell. It was why Dean fought so hard to keep Sam from slipping so far onto the dark road of No Going Back.
But Dean now could see that it was way too late for that now. He didn't know when it had happened but his brother had gone off the deep end. So determined to find Lillith to finish it he hadn't stopped to think of the consequences.
Dean wanted to blame Ruby's influence and damned if it had become more prominent since Dean had been gone. God knew Sam seemed to listen to her more than Dean now. Oh, how he hated her. But he couldn't help think that this wasn't all her fault. She couldn't force Sam to use his powers but she'd damned well made sure he knew how important it was. And without Dean to slap Sam upside the head… well it was a slippery slope once it started. He knew that all too well.
He did hate Ruby. Every word that came out of her mouth was bullshit. You couldn't retain humanity in Hell. One day he would kill her. The only good demon was a dead one.
I wish you'd unclench your fists
Unpack your suitcase
You couldn't retain humanity in hell. Dean had. But he hadn't been there that long and even after forty years he could feel it slipping. The things he'd seen in hell, the things he knew Ruby would have to do to be trusted to leave after betraying Lilith as she had, he knew she was lying. A lying manipulating bitch. Plain demon material. Once Sam would have believed Dean and seen what a slippery slope it was.
Now well, Sam just did what he wanted. To hell with everyone else. And Dean could see where it would lead even if Sam couldn't and it scared the shit out of him.
Lately there's been too much of this
Don't think it's too late for this
How the hell had it come to this? How had they ended up as this? Dean didn't know. He wanted to blame the four months he had spent in hell but he wasn't sure. He didn't understand how he hadn't seen his brother slipping away from him. How had Sam managed to wander so far into the dark Dean could only see Shadows of what his brother used to be?
How had he not seen the signs? But then what could he have done about it really? How could you help someone when help was far from what he wanted? Sam didn't want help. Sam didn't talk to him anymore. Sam didn't want to talk to Dean anymore. He had Ruby for all his needs now. Ruby was the one he confided in, the one he hunted with. Dean wasn't as stupid as Sam apparently thought him. He'd had suspicions he had just wanted to think the best of his brother has he always did.
Hearing Ruby's voice on the other side of that phone had simply been the evidence he hadn't really needed. Hadn't really wanted. He'd been quite happy to wander along ignoring the obvious and believing in his brother.
Now he knew he didn't have that option. Sam, well Sam was turning into something he didn't like and he didn't know what to do about it. Dean wanted to think that Sam wasn't so far from his help but everything he had seen over the last few months shook his conviction.
Why hadn't Sam stopped when the Angels had asked? Dean hadn't believed in them then, still wasn't sure he did now, his faith so shaky he felt like he was standing on cracked ice. But even he could see that if the Angels were warning against the use of Sam's powers there had to be something wrong.
Dean felt anger and disappointment burn in his chest. He was pissed. He was pissed at Sam for not being able to see where he was heading, at Castiel for being such a damn evasive bastard but most of all he was pissed at himself. This was not how things were meant to happen. He was meant to protect Sam. He was the big brother that was what he did, but now? Now he wasn't sure he was going to be able to do the one thing his dad had charged him with.
Sam had travelled so far into the dark Dean wasn't even sure he could follow. Where Sam was going was not somewhere Dean could follow though he wouldn't try. How could he get Sam to understand?
Nothings wrong as long as you know that
The anger and the resentment clawed its way up his throat and he felt like he would scream but he had never done any of those things and he would not start now. Dean had never been one to talk about things and Sam lying to him was not helping his conviction to start.
He thought back to what had happened when he had had that axe above Sam's head. Jesus fuck, he had been so angry. Sam had always been able to push every button going when it came to Dean he couldn't believe what he had almost done.
That, if nothing else he was sorry for. Although now he thought about it he wasn't sure he would have gone though with it. Oh threatened to fuck, but go through with it? Even now nearly three years later he could hear John's voice in his head. Protect Sammy Dean. You watch him now Dean. Watch your brother.
It was too ingrained in his genetic make up to change now. He was angry at Sam for telling him he was weak but he still didn't know if he had what it took to do what his dad had asked all those years ago.
Another lifetime ago. Things were so different now. They were so different now. He wanted to watch for his brother, protect him, keep him safe but he wondered if he was able to do him, he was. And Dean didn't know if he was strong enough to follow.
He absently rubbed his shoulder where Bobby had stabbed him and his chest where he knew he was going to be peppered with some truly spectacular bruising. He just hoped he'd got Sam as good.
Fuck knows Sam needed a good punch in the stomach to make him think about just what in the fuck he thinks he's doing. Dean knows Sam isn't listening to him, the angels or the side of right anymore. Only Ruby and her seductive whispers into the shadows… into the dark.
Dean wasn't the idiot his brother seemed to think him. He knew Sam was using his powers. He knew he was getting stronger, what worried him was he had no idea why or how he was getting stronger.
Someday I will
Someday somehow gonna make it alright
But not right now
Dean couldn't even bare to look at his brother now. He hadn't even glanced over at him but he knew his brother well enough to know when he wanted to talk. Whether he was looking at him or not. So the car continued to pulse and Dean maintained his silence. Damned if they were talking about this for Sam to make a mockery of it, like so many other things were a mockery these days.
Dean stopped at a motel and without asking Sam went and organised the rooms. He walked back towards his baby to see Sam following with the duffel bags. Dean raised an eyebrow but said nothing leading the way to the room. Once inside Dean said, "Having a shower. One of epic proportions." Where he then disappeared for a good forty minutes under the hot spray washing away the last hunt.
If this had been any other life Sam would have been banging the door down but Dean knew it was all different now. He wasn't even sure Sam would be there when he got back. He seemed to like sneaking out when he thought Dean wasn't looking. Fuck him then. Dean couldn't be arsed with his brother anyway.
He was surprised however to find Sam still sat in almost the same position he had left him in. He kept his face blank and went about getting ready keeping his back to his brother. The silence was heavy now and Dean finally said, "I can hear you thinking Sam." He said quietly as he slipped into his jeans and did the belt. "Stop."
He heard the telltale huff from Sam's side of the room that told him Sam was pissed at him for giving orders. A huff that often ended with the simple statement of "You're a dick." Dean really didn't care if he was being a dick. This time he thought he deserved to be the pissy one for a change.
"Dean, come on man, we really need to talk." Sam offered at last. Dean almost snorted. Sam couldn't offer up a better opening than that? Sam was definitely losing his touch these days. He also knew from the way Sam had said it he wanted to talk about it. So that meant Dean had to deal with it. Hell with that. Not this time.
"No we don't." Dean said.
"Yeah we do." Sam countered. "We can't just let things stay like this, it's just not…" He trailed off. Dean still hadn't bothered to turn round rooting through his bag for a clean t-shirt.
"Damn it Dean! Would you just look at me a minute?"
Dean straightened stiffening slightly as he turned, t-shirt in hand, to glare at his brother. "I'm getting dressed Sam. You have a problem with me doing that now?"
Sam seemed to still a moment before he shook himself and dived right in, "Dude, we really need to talk about what happened back there. With the Siren. This repress and ignore thing just isn't working."
I know your wondering when
You're the only one that knows that
"Working fine for me." Dean said shortly. His words were slightly muffled as he pulled his t-shirt over his head. Before glaring at Sam again when he had the garment in place.
"Yeah, well, it's not for me," Sam returned the glare and continued, "Dean you've barely glanced at me since we left that place."
Dean put his arms across his chest and looked at his brother, "I'm looking at you right now." He was pretty pissed about having this conversation. This was not somewhere he wanted to revisit otherwise he might not be responsible for what he'd do or say.
"Yeah, you're looking like you want to kill me," Sam said. "Wouldn't be the first time today."
Dean couldn't help it he let out a sarcastic bark of a laugh. "Yeah. Of course. Of course I want to kill my little brother. Well at least then you wouldn't have to worry about me slowing you down." As soon as the words were out of his voice, he instantly regretted them, knowing too late that Sam was baiting him. He should have known Sam wouldn't leave well enough alone, sure enough he was looking like he already had something else to say.
"I knew you weren't okay with it!" Sam said throwing his hands up on the air. Dean almost snorted. Personally he would have thought that to Sam, who by his own admission was so much smarter than Dean, it would have been blindingly obvious Dean wasn't okay with it. Who was he to judge he was just the dumb brother apparently.
"Of course I'm not okay with it you fucking asshole," Dean snapped back. "Do you even realise how serious this is! You nearly killed me Sam!"
"And you had an axe over my head!" Sam snapped back.
"Yeah. And you thought I would use it on you. You want me to be okay with this?"
"No," Sam said. "But at least you're not pretending that everything's okay." "I wasn't the only one." Dean snapped. "What suddenly when I don't start talking to you after a case you think there's something wrong?"
"You said everything was fine." Sam said. "I knew it wasn't." Dean laughed then. "Well aren't you so smart Sam. Well, in case you hadn't noticed, everything is not okay." Dean glared at him. "Fine I admit it. Are you happy now? Can we stop talking about it?"
"No," Sam said and Dean sighed. "Look we have to talk about this Dean." "Why?" Dean demanded. "We don't talk about anything anymore and I'm happy not talking about it. Really. I am."
"Because you're walking around thinking that I hate you, that I think you're weak, and I don't." Sam said looking exasperated. Dean gave him a sceptical look. "Honestly, I don't. The Siren had it's sway over me and-"
"And yet you still manage to think you can bullshit me." Dean interrupted.
Someday I will
Someday somehow gonna make it alright
But not right now
Well, that stopped Sam cold. His face said it all, and despite everything Dean was still good at reading his brother. "What?"
Dean laughed, the cynical laugh that had Sam staring at him. Well fucking look Sam, he thought savagely. He didn't even think his brother realised how bad things were getting between them, because he couldn't see past this darkness Dean could see in him. But Dean had been in that Darkness.
He'd been in the place all that darkness lead too. And he was terrified that for Sam there would be no going back. He'd fought to keep Sam from going there and he was heading there anyway. And the absolute worst thing? Sam couldn't even see it.
"In case you hadn't noticed Sam," Dean said slowly "I was under the spell of the Siren too. I went under first. The siren works on repressed emotions and brought them to the surface. You think I don't know what it was doing? I fucking felt it too Sam."
"So?" Sam looked lost. Dean shook his head. And this was the amazingly brilliant hunter sat opposite him. God help the world. Actually, it would take more than that Dean knew; he just didn't know if he could be what he needed to be. But he knew he'd have to try. Even with the screams of the souls he'd tortured rattling round in his head, he'd have to try.
"so," Dean said really irritated now, "I know what I was feeling and what you're feeding me now? It's bullshit. But all that shit you said back there? It's one hundred percent you, and we both know it. So don't pull the "It was the siren, I was possessed; it wasn't my fault" card with me because it's bullshit."
Sam, Dean knew had got really good at hiding his emotions from Dean over the last few months. But he could read the ones that crossed Sam's face now. Hurt, disappointment, anger and relief that finally Dean had given in. That they were talking about it like he wanted.
Pity that once again he hadn't thought of Dean wanted in all of this. Dean really hadn't wanted to do this. To revisit shit that was best left alone. But, it was always what Sam wanted. And Dean was the fool that always ended up giving him his way.
Dean once again found himself wishing for the past. Wishing for a time gone by. When they had learned to be brothers again. When they trusted each other. When they had each other's backs.
But knew that they were gone. Somehow one day he would make this all go away. He would make everything okay again. He had no idea when and really? It all depended on Sam and Sam's wiliness to get rid of the bitch that was leading him dark side. And of course Sam still thought she was good. Poor blinded idiot.
I hope that since were here anyway
We could say things we've always
Needed to say
"It wasn't me, really," Sam said, and then quickly held up his hand to stop Dean when he opened his mouth to protest. "No, Dean Man, listen. I thought that stuff, yeah, but we both know that I never would have said it. I would have never had said those things to you. And I sure as hell never wanted to kill you. You have to know that."
"Yeah, I do." Dean said and he could almost see sagging with relief and then Dean said, "Is that supposed to make it better? That you have those thoughts about me, that you think of me as the dumber, weaker, brother but just don't say it? Not exactly helping your case here Sam." He glared at Sam and watched eyes Sam's eyes widen as he thought of the way the words were worded.
"Okay, fine. Some of it was true. Yeah. I do hate how you can't seem to get past hell. I do hate how you don't seem to want to hunt like you did before. But I don't think you're pathetic and I certainly don't think you're weak. And I'd never hurt you."
Sam looked up then. "Damn it Dean, you were the one with the axe above my head." "That's true." Dean allowed. "But you know since you were almost certainly going to kill me it seemed like a good idea to have something. You're not going to hold me back anymore is a sizable threat when you're throwing me around Sam. I mean after all you are the better hunter. If I'd let you beat me you'd have certainly killed me."
"Again. You had the fucking axe over my head. You brought it down would have killed me if Bobby wasn't there."
Dean glared. "Again is it supposed to make me feel better that you can think I could actually hurt you?" He shook his head and glared again.
"Besides, I knew Bobby was there. I'd seen him coming I had enough thought left to think he'd help us. I needed to keep your eyes on me though because you wouldn't have had as much restraint as me. I saw that in your eyes when you pushed me down. I never would have hurt you Sam." Dean shook his head and turned away from his baby brother.
"Everything in me was screaming too. The pull of the Siren wanting me to hurt me was so strong but you're my brother. I've been protecting you, cleaning up your messes too long to bring down an axe on your head. I promised dad I'd save you. I'd protect you. But…" Dean shook his head again. "It doesn't matter anymore."
Dean watched as Sam threw his hands up in the air. The expression on his face was making Dean's blood boil. That expression was like the one he had on his face when they faced the Siren. Dean you don't understand. I'm better than you.
"It does!" Sam said exasperated. "You're walking around you thinking I want to hurt you and I don't." "Not when you're in control of yourself," Dean allowed still pissed they were even talking about this. "Not hurting me when you're in control of yourself and not wanting to hurt me are two different things, Sam. As a smarter hunter you should know that Sam. Or perhaps I'm not the dumb brother that doesn't know the difference."
Sam physically winced and Dean felt vindictive enough to know he'd scored a mark with the truth. "Dean, come on man, I don't want to hurt you. But that thing hit, and it was like I couldn't see past anything the siren wanted. I said those things but I… I didn't mean half of them…."
Dean shook his head. He couldn't stand to listen to anymore of this. This was complete bullshit and this was why Dean knew they were going to loose the battle coming before they had even begun because Sam couldn't even be arsed to tell the truth. Had changed so much that Sam thought Dean was going to buy the bullshit he was feeding him.
"A siren plays emotions Sam. It got to me because as sad as this makes me I wanted my little brother back. I will admit I'd have done anything it asked. I did want to give it the kind of devotion it was feeding off. But as soon as it asked me to hurt you, kill you I knew it couldn't. It started to clear my head. But I couldn't get rid of the anger." Dean took a deep breath.
"I was angry, I won't lie. I've wanted to knock some sense into you for weeks. But you? You're a whole different story. You wanted to get rid of me. I could see it in your eyes. If I hadn't got the better of you would have killed me. Are you getting this? Are you ready to accept this or are you just going to give me more bullshit reasoning about why the fuck you hate me as much as you do?"
Sam shook his head then. He didn't say anything; it was like he couldn't say anything. Dean watched him his anger, now it had been let loose simmering below the surface.
Dean knew he needed to fix this but how could he fix it when his own idiot brother couldn't even face being truthful with him?
So we could end up staying
Now the story played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
"Good." Dean finally snarled. "Then you can shut the fuck up and listen to me for a change."
Dean watched as Sam's jaw dropped. Dean, now he thought about it was probably operating on a level of rage he hadn't in years. Dean hadn't felt anger like this since… well he couldn't remember but he was not about to loose control. He was in perfect control of himself even if his anger was white hot running through his veins he would not loose his control.
"The worst thing," Dean said when he finally spoke, in a conversational tone that still managed to betray just how pissed he was. "Is not that you think your smarter than I am. Never mind the fact that I manage to hunt just as well as you do I just have different ways of doing things or has it escaped your notice after all this time?"
Sam said nothing. His eyes were wide and he looked like he wanted to say something but he kept quiet. Dean knew that even if he'd tried he would have talked over the top of his brother. It was about time Sam listened to someone else other than the demon bitch he called a girlfriend.
"It's not you think you're stronger than I am, because honestly after all the shit you've been doing with Ruby and how much you're using your powers I'm not surprised. Having some extra power behind you has gotta help. I'll ignore the fact for months you've told me you'd given it up. But who am I to argue with the stronger hunter in the room. Although maybe the fact I still manage to get the job done when you need me to, seems to have been forgotten about now you're such an amazing hunter."
"It's not even that I can't trust you anymore, because honestly, I didn't trust you before. I haven't for months. I wasn't lying when I said those things before. We used to have each other's backs but now? No way I trust you to watch my back when you're too busy watching Ruby's to give a shit about me. You might think I'm blind but I know you're getting ready to take off. You're not sticking around for the long haul, searching for Lillith and taking a short cut that's bound to land us all in the shit."
Sam opened his mouth to speak and Dean held up his hand. Sam had his time now it was Dean's turn. Sam was the one that wanted to talk about this, well now he could deal with the consequences of starting it. Dean had warned him about it. But well, now Sam had started it Dean would finish and damn his brother if Sam didn't like what came from it.
"You don't give a damn about me or trying to help all the people we can you just want to kill shit and kill Lillith. Have you ever thought that going after her could do more harm than good? Have you ever thought ask why Ruby is so interested in her? Or is that the reason you didn't tell me because she told you not to tell me?" Dean shook his head. "You don't give a damn Sam and why the hell would I trust you when eventually you're gonna take off and it's just gonna be me hunting like it was when you fucked off to college wanting to be normal?"
"It's not even that you think I'm weak," Dean said although he had to admit that fucking stung. He'd have liked to have seen Sam last as long as he did. Although maybe now he'd accepted the power and the demon blood Sam would survive there with Ruby just fine. No. Dean would not go there.
Not now.
He couldn't.
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror
"That you think I'm a weak pathetic broken record," Dean continued recklessly. "Even though you can't even begin to imagine what I saw or did in the Pit. I made sure you would never have to know that. That you never thought to consider what hurting all those people would do to me when I made protecting people, saving people my life's work. Because I wanted to, because I made a difference and I made sure that others don't have to go through what we went through and hurting those souls goes against everything I ever wanted for myself. Because you never thought to ask me before condemning me as weak when I came back from hell."
Dean could feel the anger swelling inside him now. All the things he had wanted to say, all the things he had kept hidden inside him spilling out now Sam had been idiotic enough to force him to think about all the things he hadn't wanted to touch.
"The worst thing," Dean said, clenching his fists against the onslaught of emotion he'd let free.
Dean felt taller in his anger, taller as he advanced on Sam in an attempt to get him to understand and for once Sam wasn't looking cocky and self assured. He wasn't the Sam that had confronted him when the Siren's spell had taken hold.
This was Sammy peeping through. Dean's kid brother that used to hate it when Dean got angry and seemed to shrink back from Dean when all of Dean's rage was now directed at him.
Nothings wrong just as long as you know that
Someday I will
"Is what an absolute fucking hypocritical asshole you are." Dean's voice had dropped to an almost icy whisper now. "The way you go on. About how weak and pathetic I am? About how I'm holding you back? Do you even hear yourself? You don't even have the strength to stop using those fucking powers. I could understand if I thought you could control them but I know you can't. You don't have the strength to stop using them. I've seen you Sam, now you've let them out you can't stop. You could have once. But not now. You're like an addict waiting for his next fix. If that's not a weakness I don't know what is."
He watched as Sam winced. He was past caring it was time Sam listened. And if he had to break his brother before he saw sense then he would.
"Do you even see yourself? See the darkness in yourself? The only reason you're not dead is because Bobby and I are keeping other hunters off your trail. You've turned into the very thing you hate Sam. The very thing we hunt because the compassion and the morals you once had? They're gone. My brother's gone and I have no idea where he is anymore."
Someday somehow gonna make it alright
But not right now
Sam exploded. "You have no idea what it's like!" He yelled. "I've got demon blood in me Dean!" He yelled. "I'm a whole new level of freak!" "And that excuses you?" Dean yelled back, "You've had that shitty demon blood in you from being six months old. You've had powers since Jess died. I didn't see you going dark side then. It isn't the demon blood that's turned you this way! It's the choices you've made!"
Sam staggered for a moment and Dean paused for breath. "You were the one that wanted to do this Sam don't blame me when you don't like the outcome!" Dean said viciously. "You promised me you wouldn't use them but you are. And don't think I don't know how strong you are. What I don't get is what you're doing that's making you stronger." He pulled a hand through his hair. "Whatever it is you're making the wrong choice. The wrong one and you can't see it."
He stared at his brother then. "Demons are bad news Sam. Take it from someone who has seen them as they really are. If Ruby is here she wants something from you."
"She wants to help!" Sam yelled throwing his hands up in the air. "She wants to fuck with you!" Dean yelled back. "She once told me that she remembered being human. That's bullshit. You can't be in the Pit as long as she has and remember being human. It just isn't possible. She wants something from you. She's here for a reason and you are too wrapped up in her to see that."
Sam stared at Dean, "You don't know what you're talking about Dean. We're hunting down Lilith. I need to be strong enough. We kill her and we stop all this!" Dean threw his head back and laughed.
"And you honestly think Ruby wants to stop the end of the world? Why would she Sam? She has a vested interest in seeing this thing through. She's been in the Pit too long to want to help you."
"You don't know that Dean." Sam said throwing his hands up in the air. "She saved my life." "So that you would trust her beyond anyone else! And I'm fucking damned if it hasn't worked!" Dean pulled a hand through his hair. He looked at his brother his eyes still betraying how pissed he was.
"I'm starting to fucking think that was one of the reasons Lilith wanted me in the damn Pit out the way."
I know your wondering when
You're the only one that knows that
"I'm trying to do what I think is right here Dean." Sam snapped glaring at his brother. "Why the hell does everything have to be about you?!" Then his eyes widened and he put his hand over his mouth as though he couldn't quite believe what he'd said.
Dean couldn't quite believe it either, well he could. This was defiantly something the new Sam would think and now on the back of the Siren, say. Dean had just figured that there was enough to of the old Sam left to make him see sense.
Because now there might be no going back.
That was defiantly the wrong thing for Sam to say at this point.
How the hell we wind up like this
Why weren't we able to see the signs that we missed
Dean narrowed his eyes at his brother and he felt a surge of the rage he had managed to reign in and remain controlled at Sam's words. Just because he wasn't surprised didn't mean it didn't sting like a bitch.
When had he ever made a decision that was purely about him? Everything he had ever done was about Sam or his dad. And since when did doing the right thing include using powers given to you by a demon. Particularly if there was a high price to pay.
And Dean knew enough about Demons to know that there always was a prince. Always. No exceptions he just didn't want to think about the price Sam was paying. But it had to be bad to keep it from Dean.
"That Sam," Dean said furious, "was just the fucking wrong thing to say to me right now."
"Dean…" Sam said his eyes wide.
"What Sam?" Dean snapped. "You going to explain that comment away too? What was that then the after effects of being under the influence of a Siren? Don't even bother. I'm sick of your bullshit."
Try and turn the tables
Now the story plays out like this
"I didn't mean…" Sam started.
"No. just like you didn't mean all those things you said when the siren sang. I told you Sam I was under too. I meant all the things I said. I meant them because they're true. I don't know when it happened or where my brother's gone but the person looking at me? Right now?" Dean glared daggers. "You're not him. The Sam I used to know would not have thrown in his lot with Demons."
Sam exploded again. "Dean! You were gone. I had to keep fighting without you. Ruby was here and you… well you weren't. We've saved lives. Tell me why would she bother if she wanted something from me. If she was working for the demons."
Sam looked up through his hair and for a moment Dean could once again see the kid brother he knew peaking through. For him Dean almost stopped. But he wouldn't. Sam had wanted to talk about this, damn him to hell if he didn't like the consequences he was going to hear Dean out.
"Because," Dean said trying to control his anger and speaking like he would to a small child. "It's a way of keeping away suspicion. It's a way of keeping you from asking questions. It's a way to keep you in line you sorry son of a bitch. And Ruby has an end game. What's a few humans if it makes sure you trust her?"
Sam's eyes widened for a moment but then he shook his head. "You're wrong."
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror
Dean would have liked to think he was surprised at the way this was turning out, but honestly he wasn't. Sammy was gone and Sam stood in his place. But even Sam was someone he no longer recognised and he wasn't even sure he wanted to anymore.
He couldn't find the feelings of grief and remorse that had plagued him for months about the lack of trust between himself and his brother and loss at what once was. He'd spent too many months hating himself for what he had let happen.
But now he realised there were many things he just couldn't change. His choices and mistakes were his own, as were Sam's the difference was Dean had seen where Sam's would take him and Dean knew once he did… well… there was no going back.
No going back.
Sam would be changed forever. Dean could see it. Would he be able to look at his brother once that happened? Would he be able to be the brother his father had always demanded he be? He wasn't sure and if he could help it, it wasn't something he wanted to become a reality.
But first Sam had to listen.
If he would ever listen.
Nothings wrong just as long as you know that
Someday I will
Dean shook his head. It didn't look like his brother was about to listen to him. But damn it if he was stupid enough to try and make him listen again. No matter what, Sam was still his brother and though Dean tried to be, he wasn't his dad. He couldn't turn his back on Sam. Not when Sam needed him the most.
Even if Sam didn't know it yet. But how did he get his idiotic brother to listen? His brother had never been good at listening and damned if Dean could see this ending the way it had when Sam had strode out the door and not come back. That night all those years ago when Sam had walked out the door and had stayed gone till Dean had hunted him down.
Though Dean tried to ignore it and had been trying to ignore it for weeks, he had the same feeling now as he had then. And that was the fear and the absolute certainty that Sam would leave.
Again.
God damn him, but he was sick of people leaving. Sick of being the one left behind. The one left to do the right thing. The one that picked up the pieces and kept moving forward. The one that had to make all the hardest decisions and the one that was forever trying to keep this family together.
And here he was trying to do it again even when his brother wanted nothing to do with him. When he would rather listen to the demon bitch.
Damn it, but he'd kill the bitch someday.
He guessed he was just a glutton for punishment. A guy who loved his brother just too damned much. Who he had given his life for and would willingly do so again just to see him safe.
Damn it he was such a fool.
He gave and gave and gave until some days he felt like he had nothing left and he still didn't know what to do. Especially now. He wanted to make everything alright. Someday, somehow he would, but not right now. Right now he didn't know how.
Someday somehow gonna make it alright
But not right now
Dean looked at his brother then and said, "If you honestly believe that then I feel sorry for you. And if you believe that then there really isn't anything else to say." Sam looked stricken.
"Dean…" He reached for Dean and pulled out the way.
Sam looked stricken as Dean moved further away from him and it took everything he had not to back down and let it go. He couldn't let this go. This had gone too far already. Dean had ignored it far too long and it might already be too late. The pain that thought gave him almost crippled him. Still he maintained his distance from Sam determined to see this thing through.
Whatever the consequences and wherever the end took them. They were here now. And whatever was said now would not be forgotten.
There was no turning back.
I know your wondering when
You're the only one that knows that
"What Sam?" Dean turned from where he had faced the window, his emotions in turmoil. What the hell had happened to them?
He was still angry. How could he not be? The anger burned below the surface but the need to scream and yell and make Sam see sense had burned itself out. He was resigned now. He'd said what he had to say and now….
Now it was up to Sam to choose what he wanted to do. Just as it had been those times before. Dean wasn't expecting much from that department but frankly? He was tired of this fight now. Even when he knew he was more than justified in his rant that had all but burned him out.
How the hell could he make this okay? He and his brother were practically on different sides. His idiot brother was just too wrapped up in the bitch of a demon to see it.
"I'm sorry." Sam said quietly.
Dean did a double take that certainly hadn't been what he was expecting and the look on Sam's face told him his face said so too. He watched as Sam winced and even though for once Sam's face seemed to be showing some emotion he still felt wary. Sammy, his brother would have said sorry to Dean but not the Sam that he had come to know in the months since his return from hell.
"Come again?" He asked.
Someday somehow gonna make it alright
But not right now
Sam winced. "You heard me." Sam said softly.
Dean pulled a hand through his hair. "No, see I'm not sure I did. See I could have sworn you said you were sorry."
"I did. I am." Sam said standing up and moving closer to Dean. Dean held his ground and glared at his baby brother.
"Yeah Sam? For what exactly?"
Sam's eyes went round. "For the stuff with the siren." Dean laughed. He couldn't help it. Even after he'd bothered to rant his brother still couldn't get it through his thick skull. And he was meant to be the smarter of the brothers. Jesus, what did that say about Dean?
"Why bother?" Dean said bitterly. "We're right back to where we started. Why be sorry for things you really meant?" "But I didn't…"
"You did." Dean cut him off sharply. "And as I've already said. "If this is how things are going to play out. If you're not going to listen to me, and start taking off with that demon bitch again then there is nothing else to say. Nothing."
Sam looked like he was about to argue and that was something Dean was not willing to deal with. He'd had enough of the argument now. He'd said what he needed to say and Sam had flat out ignored him. He wasn't listening. Well like all the other things that had led them to this point that was Sam's choice.
Dean just wished it could be different. Would he be ready to follow Sam down that dark road to pull him back again? He didn't know. He'd been there, he didn't know if he could do it again.
But then straight on the heels of that thought came another. No matter how angry he got he wasn't his father. He would not force Sam out the door without telling him he could come back. Yeah, he was definitely a glutton for punishment.
"Dean, come on man, this is getting us nowhere…" Sam said trying to get closer to Dean and failing.
"No. it's not. Which is just proving my point." Dean crossed his arms across his chest.
"I am telling you the truth now Sam. I'm not sorry for all the things I said when I was under the Siren spell. Or any of the things I've said since. You needed to hear them. It's up to you what you do with what I've said. It's another choice for you to make. Another decision. Just don't tell me later that you did this because you have demon blood inside of you."
"Dean… I can't go back to how things were before. I'm different. I'm sorry I said those things. But you have to understand that I need Ruby to help me do what needs to be done." He looked down and when he looked back up again his gaze was firm.
"I won't apologise for that."
"Well I guess that's the end of that then." Dean said standing up and looking around the room.
Dean picked up his jacket and turned to leave. "I can't sit here with you and pretend everything is okay when it's not. I'll be back later. If you're here great. If you choose to go hunting with Ruby well I won't stop you. Like I said that's your decision to make."
With that he picked up his jacket and walked out the door.
I know your wondering when
You're the only one that knows that
Dean hadn't gone far. In fact he hadn't even pulled all the way out of the lot. He was waiting to see if he knew his brother as well as he thought he did. If he was right in the next twenty minutes Sam would come out of the motel and be picked up by Ruby and they would go hunting.
It amazed Dean that while Sam had changed he could still read his brother better than his brother could read him. Oh there were moments when he could swear he was transparent to his brother but this was not one of those times.
Sam was too wrapped up in his own problems to think about Dean. And if Dean knew Sam, and he did, he was about to make another decision he would live to regret. He watched from a dark corner of the lot as a none descript car pulled outside the motel. Dean had been sure it was Ruby in the front seat but he wasn't sure.
But almost as soon as the car pulled up Sam walked out the front door and got into the passenger seat. Dean gritted his teeth. He'd suspected this would happen but seeing the proof almost felt like he had been sucker punched.
So even after all he'd said Sam had taken no notice. Why was he surprised? He gritted his teeth against the pain. The words Sam had said when the siren had had them under its spell haunted him.
You're holding me back… you won't hold me back anymore…
The fact that Sam had left with Ruby told Dean more than anything Sam could have said. Well, at least he knew where he stood now. Sure, it hurt but damn, Dean was used to hurting. Used to picking up the pieces and moving on. Why should this time be any different?
I know you're wondering when
Dean waited till Sam and Ruby had left and then left the motel going in a different direction. He needed to think, and the only place he would do that was behind the wheel of his beloved car.
He drove down the lonely roads the music blasting at ear splitting level to block out all the doubts and the pain. He knew what was coming couldn't be good. The Seals were breaking faster than the angels could stop them.
The time when Dean and Sam needed to be fighting together as a unit was the time when they couldn't be more apart. It made Dean ache. He stood his head feeling pathetic for missing his baby brother.
Sam didn't seem to be having that problem. But Dean wasn't Sam or his dad and deep down he knew that was the problem. Sam and their dad were way too alike for their own good. The road Sam was on now could only lead to harm.
Dean knew he needed to be able to reach Sam and stop him from doing something stupid. But first he needed to make sure he was ready to go where he needed to go to do it.
Snarling he pulled his car sharply off the road and slammed the door as he got out the car. He sat on the car hood looking at the sky. Why was everything so difficult? Why did it have to be him?
But he knew why. Because no one else would. Because although his life hadn't been great, in fact there had been times when it was down right cruel, he couldn't stop what he was doing. It was part of him now.
And he was too dedicated to making sure no one else suffered as he had suffered. And if that meant he had to make sure his dumb ass baby brother didn't go down into the Pit where there was no coming back. Then he'd do it.
Dean sighed. One day, Someday, soon he'd make all this right again. One day he'd know how to make it alright he just wished he wasn't so unsure. He shook his head to clear it. There wasn't anything he could do about it right now.
Right now all he could concentrate on was the one thing he was sure of. Hunting. Hunting was simple compared to the broken bridges that needed mending with his brother.
He got back in the car and set his resolve. One day. One day this would all be a memory. Someday he'd fix this though he honestly wondered when. He put his car into gear and headed back to the motel.
One day he would make this alright though he wondered when. That was a problem for another night. Right now he needed to get ready for the fight he knew was coming. With or without his brother.
A question he'd only know the answer to when Sam made his choice. He just prayed that both he and his brother made the right choices when that time came.
Or he knew there would be no going back and they'd be separated for good. "Please Sammy…" He whispered as he headed back to the motel to wait for his brother, "Please do the right thing for me…"
But Dean knew no one but Sam would make that choice and he had to be prepared for whichever he chose knowing that he'd protect his brother anyway. He had to be strong enough.
One day he would make this better. He swore to himself that he would. Whatever it took. He had too.
One day. Someday.
Soon.
I know you're wondering when