"What?!" I shouted. Loudly. Loud enough for two ensigns to rush into Sickbay from the hall and ask me what was wrong. "What's wrong?! What the fuck do you mean what's wrong?!"
They stared at me, stock still and wide eyed.

Spock's smooth voice broke the silence. "Nothing is out of the ordinary. You may return to your duties." He didn't quite seem to have the hang of lying, but they followed his orders anyway. He was Commander Spock, after all, and as far as they knew he was perfectly sane. It was obviously proof that they didn't know much. Spock was not sane. He was in absolutely no way right in the head. He needed a psychological exam. Yes, that's what he needed. Him and Jim and me and, just for good measure, every other damned person this ship.

Spock was slightly green. Apparently, I had embarrassed him by yelling. Well I had every damn right to embarrass him. He had absolutely no business asking a thing like that from a man like me! And by that I meant a sane man. One who wasn't suffering from any kind of mental illness.

"Dammit, Spock, what's wrong with you?" I sent him my best glare. It didn't seem to perturb him in the slightest. He looked almost confused by my anger.

"I merely requested your service as a doctor-"

"Well as of now, I'm not a doctor! I'm a very, very disturbed man. Deeply disturbed." I rubbed my temples, but it did nothing to abate my growing headache

"Leonard. I cannot continue a physical relationship with Jim until I can be positive that I am not hurting him."

"Look, I know that you think you're being logical about this, but you aren't. In fact, you're being damned ridiculous! I'm glad you want to protect Jim, trust me I spend plenty of time bandaging him up so he doesn't simply fall apart one day so I really do understand, but I refuse to 'observe your coitus,' as you so clinically put it." I was downright ranting and raving at this point. "Jim's my best friend and my captain. Do you really think I wanna see you… see him being…" I shivered and took a deep breath. "Goddammit, man! It would not be clinical! It would be awkward! I would die of awkwardness -"

"Leonard, you stated only one-point-four-two minutes ago that you are not a doctor. As such, I do not believe that you are qualified to diagnose anything as abstract as awkwardness to be deadly. I would not have considered you as being capable of the aforementioned diagnosis previous to your resignation, either." I stared at his blank expression, into the dark eyes that were just gleaming with amusement.

"Spock…" I started slowly in the voice I usually reserved for the times when Jim was being a particular ass.

//-//-//

"You're so mean, Bones." Jim took a seat beside me in the mess hall.

"I'm mean? Your little prank terrified me." I was mean? Did he realize the distress caused by having someone who is notorious for having no sense of humor approach you and request that you watch as he screws your best friend? No. Because I didn't sleep with goddamned half Vulcans.

"You didn't have to yell at Spock. He was practically crying when he came to my quarters last night. I had to comfort him," he stated with a small sniff to emphasize his point. "He was very hurt. I couldn't in good conscience send him back to his own room to sleep alone."

"Elaborate on 'practically crying.'" I tried to ignore my overly informative friend. I really, really didn't need to hear about him 'comforting' Spock all night. Why did the two of them feel like they need to describe such things in my presence? I wasn't sitting in my office all day thinking, 'hmm, I wonder how Kirk and Spock's sex life is going. I should approach them and ask for a detailed update. Oh wait! They're trying to save me the trouble by coming to me directly. Awww. What good friends.'

"Well, some may call it being slightly startled… but I know better. One of your tantrums is enough to make me wanna cry. And this one was particularly vicious."

"How did you… Goddammit."

"Yep. Ship-wide security cameras accessible in the captain's quarters." He grinned and smothered his French toast in maple syrup, beginning to laugh. "When you yelled at those ensigns… you're so cute when you swear," he teased.

"Goddammit, Jim. I'm going to strangle you."

"I would have to request that you did not." Spock sat down across from us. "It would result in your loss of life." He looked up at Jim expectantly and Jim's smile widened. I gaped at the two of them.

"Spock… you just made a joke," I stated in surprise.

"I was not joking, Leonard. If you harmed my captain your actions would not go unpunished."

"Your captain?" I asked with my eyebrows reaching for my hairline.

"Yes. My captain." Somehow, with absolutely no change or inflection in his tone, he managed to express a very clear possessiveness over Jim. Jim was grinning cheekily, as was to be expected, and Spock met his gaze with a smile visible in his brown eyes.

-

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THE END

Author's Note: Well, there it is.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed [i think i replied to all of them - but if i missed a few sorry and i do absolutely love every review i get]. Lemme know what you thought of this final chapter. Sorry it took so long! i've been distracted by various things and stopped writing for a few days.

Sooo yea~! I'll try to get write the chess story in the near future before you all forget about me and Mint Julep!! :) :)

=Sarah