I got this really hilarious email the other day from this chick who wrote this super long letter about me "ruining P&F with homos and sick fantasies". Not necessarily word for word, but that's pretty much how the whole message went.

Guys.

It's just a fucking cartoon and I just write.

The characters are not real. They are not being harmed. They do not exist. There is also no way we, the fans, can determine a FICTIONAL. CHARACTER'S canon sexuality. It's just pixels and drawings and words. It's not serious business. Same goes for fanfiction. It's just FICTION. Holy shit, I cannot stress this enough. I write fanfiction for fun and do it because I get bored very easily. Fanfiction is just a hobby of mine to write stupid shit for my own satisfaction. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not here to satisfy you.

SO THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU REVIEWERS AND OUR LITTLE FRIEND WHO LIKES TO BITCH ABOUT CARTOONS BEING RUINED BY FANS OMG

ENJOY YOUR GAY FICTIONAL SEX

--

Peter had presented himself to be a happy-go-lucky "human" on the outside when he returned to D.E.I. headquarters, but on the inside there lurked a dark side to his newly formed appearance. If there was one major thing he knew humans desired more than jewelery, love or gold, it was to never age and die.

Most people dream for immortality, he knew that much. They wonder the ever repeated question that has many different answers, "What will I see and experience if I were immortal?"

Immortality. Definition: the ability to never die, to live forever until the end of days and time, to be able to have an infinite list on the multiple things they wished to be as child growing up. They could be that veterenarian or that fireman or that kid who spends the rest of his life packing groceries and asking, "Paper or plastic?"- whatever it is they wished they could do, they were allowed to because the possibilities were unlimited.

However, immortality does not exist. Such a wish is real only in fiction and the Bible and many other pieces of literature, be it religious or not.

But despite not existing, this was how Peter felt after being transformed unwillingly. His life span had extended from his usual twenty-five to thirty years dramatically up to seventy or even one hundred years. He didn't want to live for so long. He just wanted to complete his purpose in life and die. It wasn't too much to ask, was it?

Peter had felt immortal and it was not a pleasing feeling.

A horrible memory came back to him in his slumber, the time where he ran into the dark, cold alley, naked and in shock. He felt hideous and deformed. He didn't want to become like one of them. He could have killed himself right then and there with whatever he had found in the nearest dumpster after tearing off his fingernails from scratching violently at the building's brick wall he was in between. However, suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary solution, he remembered being told, and he stared with soulless eyes at his bloody hands. His fingers throbbed and ached in pain, the nails on his middle and ring fingers dangling off the nub.

Peter glanced to his side and saw a pair of curtains thrown aside next to the pile of trash lining the brick walls. He ripped off the remaining nails hanging off his fingers and slowly walked over and grabbed one curtain off of its rod. It was dirty and smelled of vomit and dust, it was so horrible. Peter wrapped one of the filthy damp cloths around him like a blanket and began walking out of the alleyway.

It was a cloudy day at the time, and at that precise moment when he trudged down the sidewalks of Seattle, the rain poured down on him. He was almost back to the Agency's base, just a few more liquor stores, prostitutes, and homeless folk to pass by and he would be home free. Free, free, free. The falling water mixed with the blood on his hands but Peter didn't notice or even feel the pain anymore.

'Funny,' Peter thought and gripped the curtain tighter, 'I had no idea that freedom smelled like wet copper.'

With a jolt, his eyes flashed open, a soft gasp releasing from his mouth and he fell on his back. "Oww!" Peter rubbed the back of his head tenderly and slowly opened his eyes. He was facing the ceiling and remembered falling asleep in the middle of the lobby on the cold tile floor. This irritated him because he had a tendency to fall asleep at the most random of moments, especially in the middle of conversations.

"Oh," he realized, "that's right! Where's Agent P and Doofenshmirtz at?" He looked at his surroundings, and only found silence accompanying him. Not a soul in sight, and then he remembered, "The lab!"

--

The ex-panda, being in a hurry and thus being unwise, ran up over ten floors of stairs so once he was at his destination, his legs gave out under him and he collapsed on the floor, exhausted and sweating. "Guh! Almost... there...!" He forced himself to stand up and dragged himself all the way to the end of the hall. The poor fellow's legs shook badly. He had never ran so much without stopping, especially on flights of stairs.

Peter collapsed once again, but he managed to catch himself by holding on the doorknob that led to the lab. "G-Got it-!" He turned the knob and as the door swung open, Peter fell through and into the big room. His face met the floor and his entire body went lip, the only sound coming from him to tell if he was alive was his heavy breathing and a cry of, "MADE IT."

Before he barged in, Doofenshmirtz and Perry were at the same table, both wearing goggles, looking at various glasses with pencils and papers in hand, writing down what looked like notes of some sort. Both men stared at Peter without saying a word, unsure what to make of his sudden outburst. Perry spoke up, "Er, Peter? Are you... alright there? Need some help?"

Peter didn't look up and instead merely waved his hand in a "no thanks" manner. Perry sighed and returned back to whatever it was he was doing. They had been working on the formula for a few hours now, and as usual, they had been failing over and over again.

Neither of them spoke of the incident in the bathroom.

They calmly spoke to each other back and forth, asked for assistance, and made sure their formulas were correct (for lack of a better word) as if nothing had gone down or happened. They acted like high school lab partners and that was that. "So, what are you guys up to in 'ere?" Peter asked, lifting himself off the floor. "Uh, the formula?" Perry answered snobbishly. "What else would we be doing?"

Doofenshmirtz smirked.

Peter shrugged and looked around. "Well, what can I do to hel- oh wait! Duh! I totally forgot just now!" Peter laughed at himself and without explaining to the other two men, he ran back out the door. Doofenshmirtz shook his head and sighed, Perry repeating the latter and said, "He does have issues." The self-proclaimed evil genius grabbed four viles of different colored liquid in his hands and walked over to the sink. He poured the remains down the drain, the colors mixing together beautifully at first, but then turned into an ugly dark brown, almost black. The faucet turned on, washing the stains that were left behind.

"So, what would happen if I drank the pink vile?" Perry asked, lifting said color up to the ceiling lights, reflecting a light shade of pink in return on his face. Doofenshmirtz shrugged without facing him and leaned over the sink. "Probably... make your heart stop?" He scratched his head. "I dunno."

"Oh," Perry grinned, "what about the blue?"

"Suicidal thoughts." the older man replied.

"The yellow?"

"Incurable disease."

"Green?"

"You'll become a psychotic, poseur, commercial hippie."

"Purple?"

The muscles twitched on the side of Heinz's mouth. "You're mind's imagination will run wild in reality."

"Grey? Black? And the white?"

The irritation was building up quickly inside Doofenshmirtz. "You'll never speak again, you will become evil, and you will be forced to tell the truth no matter what you're asked." he then added, "Respectfully."

Perry ah'd and nodded. "I see." Doofenshmirtz spun around and walked over to Perry, gathering more viles. They had about a couple hundred of them, all colors of the rainbow. "I don't know why you're asking me these ridiiiiculous questions or where Peter the Panda went, but we need to get rid of these. They're no good and simply defective, so-"

"DON'T THROW ANYTHING AWAY!" Peter screamed, barging through the door. Doofenshmirtz and Perry jumped and nearly dropped their viles but caught them just in time and glared at Peter. "The hell's your problem?!" Perry yelled. Peter held up a briefcase while panting and breathing heavily, but smiled in between. Both Doofenshmirtz and Perry recognized the case that he had brought with him the day he came back.

"You can't toss anything down the sink yet!" Peter said again setting his briefcase down on the table and clicking it open. Perry and Doofenshmirtz got behind Peter and stared at the contents.

It looked like a mini lab set, complete with twelve small test tubes much like Doofenshmirtz's, a beaker, one pair of safety goggles, two eye droppers, one petri dish, a thermometer, and there were what looked like several papers tucked inside a zipper pouch on the other side of the briefcase. Perry wondered how Peter could have fit so much in one briefcase, despite it being quite large anyway. "Well, you're a little late," Doofenshmirtz began, "I kind threw out four viles already."

Peter spun his head around to look at him sharply. "You WHAT?! Dr. D, I was specifically told by the Agency in Seattle to gather as much of your experiments of the reverse potion as I could and analyze it before you-" Peter grunted in frustration and sighed very deeply. "Well you never told me this!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed in defense. "As you can see, Peter, there are literally a hundred more tubes that contain pretty much the same antidote! Analyze all you want, I'm taking a shower and heading to bed. Make sure to clean up when you're finished."

"Same here," Perry waved, "have fun, Pete, see ya."

Peter watched as the two walked out together and closed the door. The man with the oddly colored hair hmph'd to himself and began pouring one used vile into one of his own.

Red, orange, yellow... warm colors.

Green, blue, purple... cool colors.

Pink, white, grey, black... hell, Peter didn't know what these would qualify as.

...

Fuck it.

Pink, white, grey, and black: weird, mixed colors and shades.

--

Perry and Doofenshmirtz walked down the hall together. "Remember the room I gave you when Vanessa was here?" Doofenshmirtz asked Perry who nodded in response. "Well, each room has its own shower. So, you can use that one. And there are no rainstorms tonight, which also means no lightning! So, no coming into my room this time, you understand?"

"Yeah."

"Do you really understand? I-I don't want you coming in."

"Got it."

"Seriously Perry. Stay out."

"OKAY!"

Perry glared at the floor. It was hard to look at him now that they were alone with nothing to preoccupy each other with. In the lab, they could easily change the subject because they were working on something else, but now that they were only walking in silence, it made Perry uncomfortable and his thoughts kept returning back to the much unwanted but still pretty amazing handjob in the bathroom.

Perry's face flushed and looked up at Heinz through strands of greasy teal bangs.

He hoped Peter was some kind of miracle-worker, because he wanted that potion done and done fast so he could get the hell as far away as possible from Doofenshmirtz before things got out of hand.

After a much needed shower, Perry wrapped his stitched hand back up in gauze and lied on the bed he only slept in once this entire time. His bed for the past- what was it, a month now?- had either been the floor, the waiting room's couch, or Doofenshmirtz's bed. 'This whole mission sucks.' he thought drearily, 'I really wish I could just be done and over with this stupid crap.' Just then, Perry's watch began beeping off on the side table he set it on. He leaned over, grabbed it with his uninjured hand, and clicked the side button. Monogram appeared on the screen.

"Agent P," the Major said, "I, uh, just wanted to check in on you. Have you-?"

"No. No potion yet." Perry finished for him. Finding the right concoction was becoming old news and Perry was tired of repeating the same word: no. No, no, no, no, no.

"Oh." Monogram replied. "I-I see. Well, keep trying. I'm sure you and the others will-"

"Thanks, Major. Er, I have to go. Sorry." Perry turned his watch off and set it back on the table. He pinched the bridge of his nose and was just not in the mood to deal with missions or check-ups or anything relating to the Agency. He just wanted rest. A long, long hard-earned rest. Perry curled up to the pillows and flopped on his side, his eyes getting heavier... and heavier... and...

Hours passed.

Perry tossed and turned on his side of the bed and slowly felt his senses coming back. How long had it been since he fell asleep? He remembered it being about eight in the evening when he and Doofenshmirtz had gone into their own rooms for the night. He slowly opened his eyes, finding himself facing the window side of his bedroom. The night was clearly visible thanks to the other building's lights shining about the the city and the numerous cars driving up and down the boulevards in a rush more than usual. The moon was clearly visible being that it was a full moon.

He stretched to wake himself up a little more fully, and when he did, sat up and glanced at his surroundings. Still his bedroom. Not Doofenshmirtz's. That's good so far.

The agent looked to the other side of his bed and his eyes widened. He froze. There lying next to him in what looked like nothing but boxer shorts was the one person he did not want to see this late at night, especially in his room. Doofenshmirtz opened his mouth and said, "You know, when I told you that I didn't want you coming in my room," he sat up quickly and shoved Perry back onto the bed with one arm and leaned in closer to his face, "what I meant was, "get your ass in my room tonight"."

Perry didn't have time to retort as the distance closed between them and Perry felt that once familiar and burning feeling of lips touching. He muffled in between, trying to cry out from the sudden surprise, but his resistance only made Doofenshmirtz press harder. Perry placed his good hand against the other's chest and tried pushing Doofenshmirtz off of him, but to no avail. The man was heavier and bigger than Perry's petite new form.

Tongues met once again and Perry was actually able to get some sound out this time, but unable to speak. He felt like his mouth was being attacked, but he (Perry) didn't want this to stop. He wanted it to end and, then again, he wanted it to continue.

'I am such a fucking idiot.'

Perry kissed back with full force, but in return made it harder to breathe. Doofenshmirtz was the one to break it off and he stared down at Perry with a wide smug smirk. His once overconfident nemesis was now lying on his back in a bed, completely vulnerable to anything and everything. Wiping the small streak of saliva from his bottom lip, Perry covered his mouth with his arm, and with his face as red as a tomato, scowled and said breathlessly, "Why did you come here?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Doofenshmirtz asked. "I came here to screw you."

Perry's face went from red to white and back to red in less than five seconds. How it was possible for the human body to do that, no one will know. "E-excuse me?" he stuttered, his voice becoming low and meek. He felt Doofenshmirtz slide his hand under Perry's shirt and felt the other unzip his pants. "Wuh- wait a minute!" The smaller man grabbed the hand that was taking off his pants and stared into Heinz's eyes directly. "I-I'm not so sure about this. I mean... you know I like you. Li-like you... a lot. But I've," he stopped and looked away, "I've never done this sorta thing before... plus, my hand still hurts..."

He began to break out in a sweat and Perry could swear that the powerful thumping inside his chest was on the very edge of Exploding-Heart Cliff. He had never been so nervous and unprepared, especially for something as trivial as sex.

Hollywood and manga made this shit look so easy.

There was no pressure or awkwardness or shaking or nerve-wrecking emotions when the actors on screen in movies portrayed intercourse. They just got right down to it. In manga, non-consensual touching and kissing turns into an immediate consensual fucking. So why was it so hard to do it the first time in real life?

"How come," Perry broke out of his thoughts, "how come you're not... as nervous or- mmph- em-embarrassed as I am?" Doofenshmirtz gave him an incredulous look as if he were joking. "Uh, I do have a daughter, Perry. I'm (sigh) I've done this before, y'know." He lifted Perry's shirt over his shoulders and threw it to the floor, softly stroked him on the cheek and grinned. "You're just flustered because you're a virgin." The smaller form shifted uncomfortably beneath the scientist and pouted. God dammit, Vanessa.

"So," he said, "you're saying you've done it with a guy before?" Heinz leaned down and gently pressed his lips to Perry's bandaged hand. "No," he laughed lightheartedly, "It's no different from women. Besides the whole, you know, obvious-different-genitalia-thing." Agent P glanced down and gripped Doofenshmirtz's hand tightly and asked, "Will it... hurt?" The evil "doctor" looked at him as if he just remembered he had forgotten something. "Hold that thought!"

The next thing Perry knew, Doofenshmirtz ran out of the room and came back a few minutes later with what looked like a lotion container and a square piece of paper. As he saw Heinz walk towards the window more, the moonlight made the items become recognizable. The words on the circular container read: Vaseline. The square piece of paper wasn't a piece of paper either, it was a condom.

Gulp.

"Don't ask where I found these, you should know by now D.E.I. doesn't make sense. And to answer your question, from what I know with what little Sex Ed I had as a child and more experience, yes. Yes it does hurt." Doofenshmirtz placed the bottle next to the bed and got on top of Perry again. "In fact, you might even bleed. Just the first time though." Perry's eyes widened with shock and fear. "M-maybe we shouldn't- that, that doesn't sound very pleas-" He stopped in mid-sentence when he felt the button of his pants come undone and when Doofenshmirtz leaned over and kissed him. He slowly pulled the agent's pants off and gently pushed him back down on the pillows. He wasn't wearing any underwear. "Just get comfortable," he said, "yeah, just... relax, kid."

Perry took deep breaths to comfort himself. Here he was about to get fucked by his worst enemy while he happily complied. Oh! Perry's life was just one big jar of irony.

He looked at the taller man and saw his slender form through the window's light, his eyes lowering to look at the blatantly obvious. "I-I'm starting to have second thoughts about this, doc." he said. He heard the cap of the container come off near the floor and saw Heinz's hands rub together, the vaseline covering two of his fingers. He leaned over and ran his tongue over Perry's collarbone and soft pink nipples. The secret agent's breathing became softer and he murmured under his breath. "Ah..."

"Feel good?"

"Yeahhh,"

The agent looked calm for a second but nearly screamed his lungs out when he felt a finger insert him but was silenced with a hard, crushing kiss. They pulled away and Perry bit his bottom lip as hard as he could when he felt a second finger go in. This was torture, he thought, but it felt so good at the same time. Perry felt a trickle of blood flow down from where he bit himself and gasped from both the pleasure and pain being inflicted on him. He cried, "R-right there! Yeah, ah-!"

Doofenshmirtz wasn't sure how Perry would feel when they got down to it. This was almost nothing compared to actual sex. But he figured he could just let him enjoy himself for now. Perry looked too fucking adorable and hot at the same time to be told that he would be broken.

Perry felt Doofenshmirtz's hand withdraw and he arched his back, revealing how badly he wanted this. All the time though, he was trying not to think how bad this shit was gonna be and trying to ignore the pain Doofenshmirtz said would occur so nonchalantly. He suddenly thought back to this one feminist ad that showed a naked woman wrapped in a blanket, a little bit of blood and semen underneath and to the side of her while she cried, with a man lying next to her, sleeping, suggesting they had sex and she lost her virginity the previous night. In big white words, it said, "Your Pleasure, Her Pain."

Perry felt like that woman in the ad right now.

Doofenshmirtz felt sudden arms wrap around his neck and shoulders in a helpless manner and stopped what he was about to do. Perry clamped his eyes shut and, while trying not to stutter, said, "Please," A pause. God this was so humiliating and unmanly. But Perry wanted his point across, crystal clear. "please don't hurt me on-on purpose through this." Heinz smiled at this. "Hmph," He pushed Perry back down in a gentle manner, but their was a little force this time, making sure not to hurt his hand any more than it already was. "You'll like it, promise. Now don't tense up so much, just- yeah, like that."

The agent did what he was told and clenched his teeth. The man above him spread Perry's legs apart and tore the paper sealing the condom off with his teeth. He spit out the paper on the floor and put the rubber on applying more vaseline over it. Doofenshmirtz pushed his manhood in as slow and gently as he possibly could. Perry was handling it pretty well for a first-timer, Doofenshmirtz noticed in surprise. Agent P gripped the bedsheets with one hand tighter and tighter, until his knuckles turned a pale white and he hissed, "SHIT! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK-!"

"Relaaax," Doofenshmirtz warned, "or else it will hurt even worse. Don't get all worked up so fast." Perry could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. God, this hurt so, so bad. He felt his enemy rocking in and out, slowly at first to get a feel and then felt the hard cock pump faster. Perry moaned and tried not to think about the pain. He noticed that the more he didn't think about it, the better it felt. He pulled Doofenshmirtz down on him with his good arm and scratched hard where his left shoulder blade were. Heinz hissed in pain, knowing that there would be long marks left, but continued. If it makes it hurt less for Perry, he concluded to himself, then it's okay.

Perry's cries were getting louder. "Oooh, yeah... Harder! Harder-!" It was Heinz's turn to catch his breath and flush. "Hurting less now, huh?" he said in between breaths. Perry wrapped his legs around the scientist's hips in response, pushing him in even more. The bed creaked beneath them and sheets twisted and turned with their movements of passion.

The thrusting became faster and Perry felt amazed by what he was experiencing. "Oh my God," he said and moved his own hips against Doofenshmirtz, "this feels so good! Oh yeah, oooh-" The motions were becoming rapid as the mattress underneath moved along with them. Doofenshmirtz grunted and cried out, "Jesus, you feel great..." He leaned down and licked the blood that was previously released by Perry over his bitten lip. His tongue wandered from his lips and into Perry's mouth, the kiss becoming sloppy and wet and tasting like copper.

Both men felt their sweat mingle together on their bodies. Their sweet passion was like nothing Perry ever felt before. He sighed and licked his lips when Heinz sank himself down into him again, harder, faster, as they stared into each others lust-filled eyes. "Ah-I love you- AH!- so..." Another deep thrust. "... so fucking much! Haah! I want you so bad, Heinz..."

Hearing Perry say his name to his face for the first time ever, especially in this situation, made Doofenshmirtz's wild desire grow even stronger. This is, quite possibly, the greatest fuck he ever had. Charlene was nothing compared to what he was feeling from Perry right now, even if he did get her knocked up from blowing his load into her. This was way better. Nothing can compare to this.

Doofenshmirtz's pelvis thrust forward and he felt Perry's entrance tighten, but it just made it all the more good. "Fuck, you're so hot right now," he murmured, "almost..."

Perry's cries turned into screams of unimaginable pleasure. He said Doofenshmirtz's name over and over again, moving wildly and panting like he had just ran a mile without stopping. "Heinz- Heinz, I- ah! Oh, god, fuck me!" There was no holding back. Everything Perry had worked for and his mission meant nothing now. Fuck the Agency, fuck the mission, and fuck that feminist ad. Nothing in the world, not even a two year vacation, could make him feel this incredible.

And there it all was, in a flash of white light, Perry felt himself cum all over his own belly and Doofenshmirtz pant heavily as he came as well. Both of them said nothing, they just breathed. Breathed in the shame, sex, and guilt that mixed together in the air of the room. Seconds later, their eyes met and all they could do was smile.

Heinz peeled off the comdom and tossed it in the nearby trash can at the edge of the bedside table. He collapsed next to Perry and looked at him. "Your sexual tension gone?" All Perry could do in reply was whisper from exhaustion and said in a very satisfied manner, "Yeah." They both glanced up at the ceiling and he heard Doofenshmirtz say, "Mine too."

And they both laughed.

--

The sun rose and it was a beautiful morning. Doofenshmirtz opened his eyes and found himself waking up next to Perry, who had his back turned to him. He could hear his soft breathing as he slept. The older man slowly rose up from the bed, grabbed his boxer shorts that lay at the edge of the bed, slipped them on, and walked out of the room and back into his own.

He locked his door and went into the bathroom to clean himself up. Afterward, he grabbed a pair of his usual clothes, put on his trademark white lab coat, and took the elevator to the lab. "I wonder if Peter is still up there?" he said to himself. The elevator doors slid open and he entered the hallway, finding the lab door slightly open. "That's weird," Doofenshmirtz mumbled, "Didn't Perry close it all the way last night?"

For some reason, his instincts kicked in, and he jogged over to the door. When he pushed it open slowly, what he found made him freeze in his tracks.

The lab was a complete mess. Fluids of unknown and possibly dangerous chemicals splattered and lined the walls, floor and countertops. He looked around and saw Peter lying face down on the floor, as if he collapsed and never got back up. Doofenshmirtz ran over, thinking he was asleep, and shook him. "Peter! Wake up!" his voice rose, "Are you okay? What happ..." The "doctor" stopped himself and saw a pool of crimson liquid flowing out from where Peter's head was.

'What the hell kind of chemical is that?' he thought and leaned over to touch it. It was cold and seeing how dark and thick it was, his eyes nearly bulged out of his head. Then he realized- it was blood.

Doofenshmirtz looked back at Peter and saw that the blood was coming from his head. It looked like someone had hit him hard with some sort of object. What he also realized was that the briefcase he took with him was missing. "Peter! Peter!" He turned the third Agent P over and was shocked to find bruises and cuts covered his face, neck, and arms. He unbuttoned and lifted Peter's shirt to find more of said injuries. His eyes were closed, as if he were sleeping, and there was a faint sign of his chest heaving up and down. He had been beaten straight to hell and back.

"Peter, wake up! What happened?!" Doofenshmirtz was getting desperate now for a response. "Come on! Open your eyes!" He heard Peter mumble a few words, but they were all jumbled and mixed that Heinz couldn't understand anything he was trying to say. He grabbed one of Peter's hands and squeezed it. "Peter! I can't-"

"All... en..."

Doofenshmirtz fell silent as Peter's hand went limp.

--

i am so mentally tired lol

edit: I added and changed a few things because I forgot that I totally left out Perry's injured hand. Sorry about that!