This is the beginning of a many part series concerning the goings on of Akrham Asylum. It focuses on six main characters, the Joker, Harvey Dent, The Riddler, the Scarecrow, Harley Quinn, and Poison Ivy (with more emphasis on the Joker, Harvey, and Harley). Characters are loosely based, but it is hilarous all the same. Or at least I hope it is.
Enjoy!

It was a bright summer's day in Gotham City's most notorious mental ward, being the only mental ward, Arkham Asylum. Lately, the patients had broken out into many scuffles about one thing or another, and had refused to get along with one another. Upon trying to solve this, one of nurses had an idea.

She was going to make a soccer team.

With this soccer team, the patients would learn teamwork, good sportsmanship, and how to come together and work towards a common goal. So she bought herself a whistle, gave herself the title of "coach", and rounded up the selection of patients she thought most needed this sort of planned activity.

But her plants didn't stop there. She hoped to create an inspiration from this team, maybe inspire some other hospitals to form teams of their own, and then they could compete with each other, and learn of the successes of other patients. To her, it was a win-win situation.

But she wasn't aware of how resistant her troop of soccer players was going to be.

It was lunchtime in Arkham, when the Joker, Harley Quinn, Harvey Dent, Poison Ivy, the Riddler, the Scarecrow, some guy who was afraid of loud noises and a huge thug with schizophrenia were called outside. Usually, the criminals of Arkham weren't allowed to associate with the non-villainous insane, but apparently this was an exception. Standing outside and squinting in the sun, the two other patients eyed the villains warily as they discussed breaking out and causing mayhem. They were particularly wary of the Joker, with his leering smile and imposing figure.

At this time, the coach came up with a soccer ball under her arm and a bag of pinnies in her other hand.

"Alright, who's ready for teambuilding?" she called happily.

Poison Ivy rolled her eyes and pulled her long red hair back into a thick braid that came down to the small of her back. She wasn't particularly fond of this nurse, who she had seen eating a salad one day. The nerve of her, feasting on those poor, unsuspecting lettuce leaves…

The Riddler and the Scarecrow were hovering in the back, deep in conversation.

"Say it again."

"Okay- what has four eyes but can't see?"

"I give up."

"Come on, you have to think about it!" the Riddler whined. "Come on."

"Um…I give up."

"Bah. Fine. A blind quatro-plops!"

"What the hell is a quatro-plops?"

"A magician doesn't reveal his secrets."

"You aren't a magician, you tell bad riddles."

"They aren't bad!" he cried. The Scarecrow rolled his eyes and smiled.

"Scarecrow…"

"Stop that!" the Riddler whined, putting his hands over his ears. "If you want to picture how I feel when you do that, if I were an ostrich with three feet, what would you…"

"Who's ready for soccer?" the coach asked in the most patronizing voice she could come up with. The Joker scowled. He was in no mood for this kind of shenanery. And plus, Harvey was included in the group, which spelled trouble. Harvey had difficulty not only putting up with the Riddler and his riddles that were getting worse and worse all the time, but with the general spirit of good sportsmanship all together.

"The Riddler is afraid of soccer," the Scarecrow sniggered.

"I am not!"

"Yes you are, don't lie."

"…yes I am."

"Don't worry, we'll go easy on you," the woman said, patting him on the shoulder. The Riddler jerked away.

"I'll deal with my fears as I please."

"Scarecrow…"

"Cut that out!" he whined, stomping on the ground. "You know I hate that."

"That's why I do it."

"You do it enough in the cell," he complained. "Imagine if three birds were in a cave, and if you had a tub of frosting, what would you get when you plucked…"…"

"I HATE YOUR DAMN RIDDLES!" Harvey screamed, throwing a rock a ways in the distance. "I've got more of those, and they're coming your way…"

"I'm not afraid of you!" the Riddler yelled, walking up to him.

"You wanna fight?" Harvey snarled, wielding a silver coin. "Head I win, tails you DIE!"

"That's not fair!"

"I'LL GIVE YOU FAIR!"

It was then that the Joker truly understood the reasons for Harvey's regular anger management classes. They didn't appear to be paying off. Needless to say, all of the non-villain patients looked scared out of their wits.

"Will I remind you two idiots that we are all on the same side?" the Joker interjected, stepping in between them.

"I am on no such side." Harvey scowled, but backed off all the same.

"So, let's form teams!" the coach said, blowing a whistle. Unfortunately, this greatly upset the patient who was afraid of loud noises, who started crying and curled up into the fetal position. "Joker, Riddler, you're captains."

"We'll see what form of comedy is truly the victor," the Riddler said, raising an eyebrow.

"It's a soccer game you moron," the Scarecrow scoffed. "Not a stand up competition."

"It's figurative!"

"You're figurative!"

"Well, what happens when you combine a jar of pickles with seven marbles and…"

His riddle was rudely interrupted at that point with a rather large rock colliding with the side of his head. The coach blew her whistle, which only spurred the crying man on.

"Enough!" she yelled. "Riddler, get up here and pick your first teammate."

"You with the arm tattoo." He said, pointing to the burly schizophrenic, who muttered something to his invisible friend and walked up to join the Riddler.

"Good!" the coach exclaimed. "Joker, you next."

"Two-Face," he said, pretending to consider this seriously. Harvey clapped and trotted over to his side.

"We're are gonna kick some crazy guy ASS!"

"I want the plant," the Riddler said, pointing to Ivy, who was laying on the ground picking flowers.

"I'm not a plant," she scowled, but got up to join his team nonetheless.

"Harley." The Joker said, pointing at her. She squealed at an ear piecing decibel.

"MISTAH J! WE'RE ON THE SAME TEAM!"

"Scarecrow…" the Riddler sighed.

"Ah good. I can help you wane your fear of soccer." He smirked, joining him.

After about ten more minutes of this, the teams were finally formed. They decided that Harvey was too liable to fly off the handle at random times, so they decided to put him in the goal. At the coach's whistle, the Riddler ducked and hid behind his hands, which pretty much left it open for the Joker, who grinned, and giving into temptation, turned around and kicked it as hard as he could past Harvey and into his own goal.

"IDIOT! What was that for?" Harvey screamed as he watched the hurtling ball fly into his goal. "Are you BLIND?"

"Oops. My mistake," he grinned, turning around. This was his second mistake, as Harvey took no time to kick the ball back so it made rude contact with the Joker's head.

"You'd better WATCH IT, Two Face!" he growled, turning around and stalking towards Harvey.

"Let's flip for it, Clown Boy!"

"I'll flip you!"

"Your jokes aren't funny!"

"Hear hear!" the Riddler piped in. The Joker swiftly punched him in the side of the head, and continued to advance on Harvey.

"You're an IGNORAMUS," the Joker yelled back at Harvey, who scowled.

"Yeah? Try Clown Prince of RETARTED!"

"WOULD YOU CUT IT OUT SO WE CAN PLAY?" Harley screamed. Apparently she was quite the soccer fiend. But they both ignored her. The two of them were inches away from tearing viscously into each other, when Harley kicked the ball into the woods in frustration.

"Well that'll take ten minutes to find," the Riddler scowled angrily.

"Well we'll flip for it." Harvey said through gritted teeth. "Heads you go in there and find it, tails I kill you."

"Come on, you two, is that productive behavior?" the coach said, stepping between them.

"It is if he ends up dead." Harvey snarled. The Riddler cocked his fist, and Harvey prepared to retaliate.

After about ten minutes of bickering between teams, the ball was found and the game could start again. The coach held it up in the air between the Riddler and the Joker, both squaring off again at the middle line. The Riddler was tall and lanky, but the Joker was tall and strong, not to mention extremely angry, so everyone was keeping a wide radius around him, trying to avoid being decimated by his wrath. And he had a lot of anger to express, it was written on his face, and this made most of the participants very nervous, especially the Riddler, who was already nervous about the game itself.

He wasn't technically afraid of soccer, per se. He was more afraid of the repercussions of playing soccer with a handful of other maniacs who were all bigger and stronger than he was. He didn't really want to be sent down to surgery with a soccer ball planted in the side of his head.

The whistle blew, and the Joker, who didn't even want to play in the first place, let the Riddler get the ball and charge with it, but as he passed by, the Joker stuck his foot out and tripped him so the ground met harshly with his face. The Joker cracked up in hysterics, and fell on the ground laughing. His laughter sparked some of the other less stable patients to laugh with him, and soon the whole crowd was in hysteria.

"Owww, hey!" the Riddler whined, getting up from the ground.

"Oh, I didn't mean to. Look at that. My mistake," the Joker grinned, picking up the ball and whipping it at the Scarecrow, who didn't see it coming and crumpled on the ground.

"Double foul!" the coach said, blowing on her whistle. Again, the man afraid of the whistle started crying again and rolled back up onto the ground.

"Joker, would you stop messing around so we can play?" Harvey yelled from back in the goal post. The interesting part about this was that Harvey and the Joker were in all actuality best friends, or as best of friends two super villains could possibly be. But since both of them were both prone to anger and hysteria, they fought. A lot.

"Why don't you stick it up your butt?" the Joker asked sweetly, smiling at him. Harvey scowled but let it alone. The ball was given to the Riddler, who tried to pass it to Poison Ivy, but she was sitting down, petting the grass.

"God damn Ivy, stand up and be attentive!"

"The grass was sad." She pouted.

The Riddler groaned. "Ivy, how can…"

"All you thugs were stepping on him, and he got sad so I was making him feel better."

"Him?" the Riddler asked, exasperated. "Ivy, picture this. If you had seven kumquats in a whiskey bath, what would they say if you added three octopuses with nine legs?"

"Hey! If you gotta problem with her, then you've gotta problem with me!" Harley yelled, getting in the Riddler's face.

"Harley, this doesn't concern you." He sighed, pushing her out of the way.

"Don't you push me, if you know what's good for ya," she yelped, but the Joker grabbed her wrist and pulled her away.

"Harley, don't get involved."

"Says who?"

"Says me." He said, attempting a soothing voice. "Just stay here."

"I'll stay with you always."

"That's not what I…"

"I love you too, puddin'," she said, wrapping her arms around him. He groaned.

"Okay! Let's get this party started!" the coach yelled. "Apparently, you guys don't know how to play soccer. So I'm going to teach you the fundamentals before we get a real game started."

"FUNdamentals!" Harley cried, clapping.

"That's the spirit!" the coach said. "Now, I want you to all come over here and get a soccer ball and line up on this line."

The Scarecrow raised his hand.

"Harvey is afraid of lines."

"You said you wouldn't tell anyone!" Harvey yelled.

"I have no restraint." He smirked. Harvey sighed, and unwillingly joined the line between the Riddler and the Joker.

"Now, I want you all to dribble your ball up to your cone, go around it, and come back."

"What's a dribble?"

"What's three pigeon ears plus one and half homemade pies filled with pomegranate juice?" the Riddler shrugged. "No one knows. It is the unsolvable riddle."

"When you dribble, you kick the ball with your feet." The coach explained, ignoring the Riddler.

"So…we kick it to the cone, and kick it back?" the Joker asked. "Why didn't you just say that?"

"You are a bunch of morons," Harley said, bouncing her ball up and down on one knee. "Do it like this…"

And she dropped the ball to the ground, and quite expertly maneuvered it around her cone and back. The coach clapped.

"I think I know who our MVP is!"

"YAY!"

"I wanna be MVP!" the man afraid of loud noises whined. The Scarecrow scoffed.

"You don't even know what that is."

"It's a kind of juice, right?"

"MVP means the most awesome and important person on the team." Harley smirked. "And that's me. So HA!"

The Joker suppressed a snigger. She glared at him.

"Mistah J, you wish you was as good as me."

"Wish I were, Harley. Wish I were."

"Stop correcting my grammar!"

"Weren't you a doctor once? Shouldn't you be smart?"

"I am smart, thank you very much. And aren't you a clown? Shouldn't you be funny?"

"Harley, you dress up like a jester. Shouldn't you be funny?"

"I am funny. I can juggle."

"Juggling isn't funny."

Harvey came up between the two of them and put his arms around both of them.

"Ah, a lover's spat." He said in a mockingly warm tone. "Listen to you two. Don't do this to yourselves."

"Our first fight," Harley said coyly, smiling sweetly at the Joker, who curled his lip.

"Oh, there's plenty more where that came from." The Joker said, scowling.

"I want everybody to try and dribble now!" the coach said, blowing her whistle. The man afraid of the whistle finally snapped, and burst into tears and ran away into the distance, screaming.

"About time." Someone muttered.

But when the patients tried to replicate what Harley had done so skillfully, the results were quite hilarious. The Riddler got about two feet before tripping on his ball and falling over, Ivy popped her ball with a particularly large thorn protruding out of her foot, and the Scarecrow kept kicking at it but missing. With all of this hilarity unveiling before his eyes, the Joker could no longer contain himself and burst into laughter, and was so beside himself that he fell onto the ground and began hyperventilating.

With this, a team of paramedics had to come and haul him away so he could be properly subdued.

The coach stood there, with what she had hoped to be an inspiring story of coming together for the joy of sport, falling apart before her eyes. And then she realized how crazy it all was.

A soccer team? With not only the mentally ill, but the criminally insane?

And so she too left, throwing the pinnies on the ground.

"I give up," she called back to them. "Keep fighting, what do I care. I don't care if you never learn the importance of team work."

Everyone looked up from the ground at her retreating back.

"Well then," Harvey said, picking himself up off the ground and helping up the Riddler and the Scarecrow. "That's her out of our hair,"

"Finally," Ivy said, brushing her hair back.

There was silence for a while.

"Want to play?" the Riddler suggested.

Harvey shrugged. "Sure."

And they played. Was it a calm game, with no kinks or fights? Of course not. But did they eventually come together and work as a team? Yes. Even Harvey.

Did they learn anything?

Only one thing-

Nothing could be achieved when the Joker was around. As Poison Ivy pointed out, as soon as he left, everything picked up. And he had instigated most of the fights that had broken out earlier.

So they all vowed to ignore the Joker and isolate him for the rest of his stay in Arkham, which wasn't what the coach had wanted to achieve with the soccer game at all. For they didn't learn teamwork, and they definitely didn't learn good sportsmanship.

All they learned was how to piss of the Joker more than usual.

Which, of course, would come to no good in the end.