Author's Note: So is it just me, or are all the half-baked, cliched AUs that plague the Kingdom Hearts section of this site getting really, really old? Out of the frustration of leafing through hundreds of these stories just to find decent ones, I decided to write this parody.

While I prefer canon stories, I don't want people to think I'm bashing AUs in general. I've read several that have been so amazing that they've positively floored me. What I'm parodying is the overused plot and lazy, stereotyped characterization that tends to go along with the majority of high school AUs. Hell, even high school AUs can be incredible if executed properly. Unfortunately, more often than not, they fall into the same patterns over and over again.

Anyway, here's the first chapter. I'll get off my soapbox now.

Disclaimer: I don't own the wonderful world of Kingdom Hearts.

Chapter One: Dazed and Confused

"I'm so glad we're finally going home," Kairi sighed. She glanced out the window of the Gummi ship as Destiny Islands came into view. "I know it's only been a month, but I'm sure our parents are worried sick."

Sora laughed bitterly. Ah, the parents… The thought of seeing them again terrified him. They had left as soon as Donald and Goofy arrived, knowing full well that their parents would not have voluntarily let them leave. They were only needed to clear some lingering Heartless at Disney Castle, but the task had taken longer than they had expected. At seventeen, Sora was sure his parents were terrified for his well-being. Even though he was older, he was still under their control for another year. Sora sensed a grounding in his immediate future. Oh well, that seemed to happen a lot these days.

"I'm sure your parents will be fine, Kairi," said Donald. "Goofy and I can explain what happened."

Riku laughed from his stance at the window. "Yeah, remember how well it went over the last time when we introduced them to a talking mouse, duck, and dog?"

"Maybe Riku's right, Donald," Goofy agreed. "Those folks did act strange the last time we met 'em…"

"Yeah, don't worry about it, guys," said Sora. "We can take care of it. My mom just might kill me this time, but it's nothing I haven't handled before."

Sora could feel his dread building as he pulled the Gummi ship in for a landing. He was most certainly doomed.

They said goodbye to Donald and Goofy, making them promise to keep in touch. After living through so many adventures, Sora, Kairi, and Riku couldn't stand staying in one place for very long.

"They're gonna murder me," Sora groaned.

"I'm glad I'm eighteen," Riku gloated.

Kairi rolled her eyes. "You've been eighteen for a week, Riku! Besides, you're still in school and you live at home. Your parents are going to be furious no matter what."

Sora gulped as they approached his house. They had devised a plan to inform their parents of their disappearance by returning in a group. They needed all the support they could get, and after only a month, Sora was certain he was more likely to face fury than tears. He put his hand on the doorknob, Riku and Kairi standing behind him in support. Taking a deep breath, Sora opened the door.

"Hello?" he called out cautiously. "Mom?"

Sora ducked into the living room, searching around corners as though a Heartless were going to attack him. But Heartless were far less terrifying than his mother.

"In here, sweetie!" she called from the kitchen. Wait, called? Why wasn't she running up to smother him in hugs? Why wasn't she both fumingly angry and relieved?

Deciding to go along with it, Sora beckoned Riku and Kairi into the kitchen. His mother barely looked up as she whipped some sort of batter in a mixing bowl. "Why are you home? Did you forget something? Riku, your car broke down again, didn't it?"

"Mom, what're you-"

"Oh, that's okay. I'll just put this in the fridge and I can give you kids a ride to school."

"School?" asked Riku incredulously.

"Don't worry; if we leave now I can get you there with plenty of time to spare."

Sora opened his mouth in protest, but a pinch from Kairi and a muttered 'roll with it' convinced him otherwise.

Within ten minutes, they were on their way to school. Sora kept racking his brain, but no matter how much he tried he couldn't deny the fact that it should have been late June. And why was his mother acting as though he'd been gone for mere minutes? Had time somehow slowed drastically while they were gone?

His mother seemed completely oblivious to the looks of shock and awe on their faces as they pulled up to the school. They thanked her blankly, slamming the car doors shut as they approached the building.

"Uh, guys?" Sora pointed to the metal letters adorning the façade. "Since when do we go to a school called Destiny High?"

"We… don't," Riku stared up at it in disbelief.

Kairi looked back at Sora's mother, who waved enthusiastically from the car. "Look, let's just go in and act like nothing's weird. We'll go to the office, get our schedules, and go along with it until we figure out what's going on here."

Sora's anxiety grew as they entered the strange building. Something was definitely not right about their world. What if it was a trap set by Maleficent? No… That didn't make any sense whatsoever. But who else would do something like this?

"Office," Kairi pointed to the heavy glass doors in front of them. She seemed to be the only one able to keep their head on straight in the strange situation. She swung open the doors and led them in… only to be completely floored by the person who greeted them.

"H… Hayner?"

"Kairi, Sora, Riku! How's it going, guys?" he said, leaning casually against the desk. "Listen, this student aide thing is a pain in the ass, so if you could keep it simple for me…"

"Why are you here?" blurted out Sora.

"Oh, right!" he smacked his forehead with his palm. "I'm living with my dad permanently now, so I won't just be here in the summers anymore. I'm a full-time student at Destiny High!"

"That's uh… great, Hayner!" said Kairi, gaining her bearings.

"I know, right? So what can I do for you?"

"Schedules," Kairi managed. "Lost 'em."

"All three of you?"

"Yeah… Y'know… We're scatterbrained."

Hayner smiled, shaking his head as he got up. "You guys are a pain in my ass. I'll be back in a minute."

"What the hell is going on here?" asked Riku through his teeth.

Sora shook his head, unsure of how to answer. These were Destiny Islands. His mind told him they had landed back on their home world. The palm trees were the same, the waves lapped at the shore in the same lazy manner. But something was incredibly off. He just couldn't tell what it was.

"Okay, here they are," said Hayner as he handed them each a copy of their schedules. "Don't lose them again; it just makes extra work for me."

"We wont," said Kairi. "Thanks, Hayner. See you around."

Sora looked at his schedule as they exited the office. First period Trig. "Great, I'll have to sit through an hour and a half of math while worrying about what the hell happened to my world."

"Uh, guys? I'm the only Riku at this school, right?"

Kairi nodded. "It's not exactly a common name."

"Then why does this same my last name is Subaru?"

Sora looked at him confusedly before glancing upon his own schedule.

Mitsubishi, Sora.

He grabbed Kairi's out of her hand.

"Hey!"

Toyota, Kairi.

"These are none of our last names," said Sora. "These aren't our last names. My mom wasn't remotely interested in the fact that we're back. This school is called Destiny High. Hayner lives here. Something is very, very wrong."

"I know, Sora," said Kairi helplessly. "But what are we supposed to do? We just have to… go along with it until we can figure it out. Can you guys do that for me? Please?"

He looked at Riku, then back at Kairi. "Fine. We'll go along with it until we figure out what's happening."

"Thanks," she smiled. "Now, I don't know about you guys, but I have an eight AM English class to catch."

She hurried off in the opposite direction, schedule close to her nose as she searched for the room number.

Riku smirked as she disappeared around the corner. "We're not going to class, are we?"

"Hell no," said Sora. "Let's split up. Meet me in the lobby in an hour. We're figuring this thing out."

Sora took a seat on the bleachers, watching idly as a gym class raced around the track. After half an hour, he'd come up with no discernable solution to their problem. This place seemed like his world, but there were a lot of details that made him think that in a way, it wasn't. He hoped Riku was having more luck than he was.

"Hey asshole, these are my bleachers when I cut class."

He whipped around at the too-familiar voice, almost falling backward in shock. The girl put her hands on her hips, sneering with a look of complete and utter loathing. Her companion stood back, digging her foot into the ground as the wind whipped through her hair and revealed her face.

"Kairi? Naminé?!"