Chapter 9: Forbidden No More

A/N: Here's the final chapter, which makes the story exactly 6 chapters longer than I thought it would be. I'm not really sure how that happened. :) I suppose there are quite a few things that are still forbidden for these two, but maybe someone else can write about those. ;)

¡Un millón de gracias a todos! Thanks a million!

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Maria had her back against the front door; her eyes were closed. Georg had started to walk toward her when he heard her come in, but seeing her leaning against the door made him hesitate. He almost felt like he was intruding. He was sure she had no idea anyone was watching her. What was she thinking? Was she relieved to be back, or was she dreading facing him? Was she even thinking about him at all? Did she care for him as Frau Schmidt said she did?

Talk to her. Be honest with her.

He knew Frau Schmidt was right. He recognized the wisdom of her words. He would never know the answers to those questions, or any of his questions and doubts, if he was not honest with Maria. But knowing and doing were two different things. Once done, there would be no turning back.

He imagined how his life would change if she left. Given time, he would learn to accept it, to adjust to her absence. He would continue improving and deepening his relationship with his children. He would appreciate the people in his life. He would remain firm in his beliefs and act in the best interest of his family and his country. He would be fine.

But he would never be completely happy. He would not be able to make her happy. They would never be partners, companions, one body. They would not raise a family together. He would always, always miss her. He would always wonder where she was, what she was doing, if she was safe. He would always wonder what might have been.

If there was really a chance that she felt the same, wasn't it worth the risk? Wasn't she worth the risk? He had risked everything for his country in the war. If called upon, he would risk everything for his children. And, looking at Maria now, he realized that he would risk everything for her.

It was so rare that he had the chance to just look at her without having to hide how he felt. He let himself look now, without restraint. Her appearance was so modest, and yet it never failed to provoke a potent reaction in him. His eyes traveled the length of her body and took it all in: the short hair that he knew to be luxuriously soft; the blue eyes that gave him joy when they sparkled and made him run hot when they darkened; the adorable freckles that made him smile; the sensuous lips that he longed to kiss and penetrate; the tantalizing curves she could not hide, not even behind the most hideous or ill-fitting clothing. He dreamed of seeing what lay underneath that clothing, of molding his body to those voluptuous curves.

He was starting to breathe harder. He shut his eyes and fisted his hands, trying to calm down. He reminded himself that there was a reason he did not allow himself such free rein on his thoughts. It always left him on the verge of losing control, and he always went too far with her when he lost his head. But no more. No matter what happened, he would not continue being the cause of her suffering as he had been for weeks now. The thought helped to steady him. He breathed in deeply and opened his eyes.

The decision was finally clear. For both their sakes, he had to speak. One way or the other, the tortured battle between longing and denial, between heart and head, between what he wanted and what was forbidden, would end. Even though he was still undecided as to what he was going to say, he walked toward her.

She must have been completely lost in her thoughts because she did not appear to hear him until he was only a few feet away. Then she started, noticing him, and stood away from the door, her eyes opening wide as they fell on him. It was not the way he had hoped to approach her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

He could tell that she was still somewhat alarmed, but he saw her shoulders relax a bit as she composed herself quickly.

"It's not your fault, Captain. I just didn't hear you."

Talk to her. Be honest with her.

The silence stretched between them as he struggled for the words that seemed beyond his reach. She saved him from having to speak before he was ready.

"How is Frau Schmidt?"

"She's much improved. I've just been visiting with her. She fully intends to be up and about tomorrow morning."

"Thank the Lord." She closed her eyes briefly, and he knew that the words were more than a mere expression; they were a prayer. It was yet another reason he loved her – for her sincere faith that never failed to inspire.

"And the children? Have they gone to bed already?" She looked up the stairs, as if hoping to catch a glimpse of them.

"Yes, they went upstairs early. I'm afraid Franz's potato soup was a poor substitute for their usual fare." He smiled and was thrilled when she smiled back. It took so little from her to make him happy. "They had hoped to see you tonight. They missed you."

He wanted to tell her how much he had missed her as well, but the words caught in his throat. It had hurt both of them too much the last time he had told her that, when she had stopped his advances, a look of agony in her eyes. Why couldn't he find a way to say what he wanted to say without hurting her? Where were the words he needed?

"I missed them too. I must apologize to them in the morning. I hadn't anticipated being gone so long." She frowned, wrinkling her brow.

He worried about what had happened during all of that time. Had she gone to the abbey for the reasons he suspected, and if so, what had she decided? As much as he feared the answer to that question, he had to know. It would be easy to keep talking about Frau Schmidt and the children, but that would get him no closer to where he wanted to be. It would get him no closer to her. He had to open the conversation he needed to have with her, the one that was eluding him despite his intention to tell her the truth.

"How was your visit to the abbey? Was it what you hoped for?"

She dropped her eyes, focusing her gaze just below his. He remembered that he had not shaved and wondered what she saw when she looked at him. It was a stray thought; he knew his nerves were causing the distraction. Her voice recaptured his attention instantly.

"I enjoyed visiting with the sisters. I had almost forgotten the simplicity and order of the abbey. Being there again was like a revelation."

She missed the abbey. Of course. It had been, was still, her home. She had loved it before leaving to serve as governess to the children, and clearly she still did. Some of the hope he had felt after leaving Frau Schmidt drained away. He was astonished, dejected, that it could fade so quickly. He tried to convince himself not to give up so easily. He had not yet told her how he felt.

"And I had a long talk with Reverend Mother. I asked for her counsel." Suddenly she was looking at him again, her eyes intense. "She gave me a lot to think about."

His heart started pounding. She must have told the Abbess about him, about the things that had happened between them. Thinking back to everything he had done and everything he would have done had Maria not stopped him, he could only imagine what the Abbess would have advised. She must have advised Maria to turn away from him and return to the abbey. What other advice could she have given? He felt himself growing cold, numb. The thought of her leaving was drowning out everything else.

"Has she asked you to return to the abbey?"

"No. She told me only I can decide that. She advised me to pray and to search my heart; she said I would find my answers there. I've done nothing else since."

"And have you found your answers? Have you already made a decision?"

Don't leave me.

He saw the look of pain and confusion in her eyes that made him hate himself for being the cause of it.

"No. But I've been considering returning to the abbey." The pain filled her voice as well as her eyes.

"Because of me." He did not even ask it as a question. He already knew.

"Yes."

A deafening whisper of a word. His ears were ringing so loudly that he almost missed what she said next.

"And because of me. You have not been the only one who…" Her eyes brimmed with tears. "I allowed it, more than I should have."

She had allowed it. In his mind, he saw her eyes closing as he was about to kiss her outside her bedroom door. He heard her gasp when he slid his fingers along her lips. He felt her body trembling as his hands skimmed down her back. He saw her blushing under the intensity of his stare, her eyes more often than not revealing her desire when she stared back. She had allowed it.

But he realized there had been so much more. He saw the warmth in her eyes when he came home for Louisa's birthday. He felt the gentleness of her hands when she had treated his wounds. He saw the frantic look in her eyes when she thought he was hurt and bleeding. He heard her telling him that he was one of the best men she had ever known, asking him if he needed her.

He had been so blind.

"When I came here, I only wanted to fulfill my obligations to the children, and to help this family. I never expected what…what happened with you. But I could never forgive myself if I was the cause of…" She closed her eyes, lowered her head. "You have a life planned with someone else. I didn't come here to destroy it."

She was blaming herself, concerned about hurting him. After everything he had done, she was blaming herself. He could not allow that. He had been an idiot, had behaved selfishly. He had bombarded her with his desire but had neglected to show her what had been growing inside him. He could not allow her to remain ignorant of what he felt for her.

Talk to her. Be honest with her. And let her make a decision based on the truth.

He reached for her hand and the words finally came.

"But you're mistaken. How could you destroy something that no longer exists? That hasn't existed since the day you first walked through that door?" Her hands were shaking. So were his. He took her other hand as well, hoping they could ground each other.

"I'm not marrying the Baroness. How could I? I don't love her."

The first tears fell from her eyes, and she opened them at last, lifting her head, turning to him. He was surprised by the wetness pooling in his own eyes, but perhaps he should not have been. Not when he could finally see the love in her eyes that had been there all along. After struggling for so long, in the end there were not that many words that needed to be said after all.

"There's only you. For me, there's only you."

He lowered his head and brought his mouth to hers. He barely grazed her lips with his before lightly kissing her again, the salt from her tears coating his lips. He licked it off and slowly kissed her again, his mouth sliding against hers. He was already losing himself in the softness of her lips, already addicted to their sweetness.

When he felt her kissing him back, he shuddered violently, feeling the heat of the kiss spreading through his body. The unexpected force of the reaction in his body made it impossible to keep it slow and light. He deepened the kiss, increasing the pressure. He released her hands and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer. She moved into him, her arms reaching around his neck. He wanted to feel her, to pull her closer closer closer.

Wait, wait. Slow down. Not so fast. The distant thought clamored to break through the primal urges he was feeling. It was only his determination to do things right that allowed him to listen. He forced himself to pull back, to slow down. He did not want to make any more mistakes. He wanted to be sure she understood. He looked at her, breathing hard, but back in control. There was one more thing he wanted to say. He said it with words and he said it with his eyes.

"I love you."

She pulled one hand away from his neck and began lightly scratching the stubble along his jaw. The friction of her touch sent ripples of desire through him. It took only the slightest touch from her to ignite him. He tried not to imagine what it would be like to feel her touch in other places. He had a passing thought that he should tell her to stop, but it nearly escaped him when she swept her fingers across his lips. He grabbed her hand and stopped her, feeling how close he was to losing control again.

She was so beautiful. Her lips were red and swollen, ready to be kissed again. She seemed to have no idea of just how tempting and desirable she was. Before he could stop himself, he returned for another taste of her lips, but he managed to keep the kiss soft and light, like the first ones had been. He needed to keep his head; he did not want to compromise her. And there was one more thing he wanted to say.

"Maria, I don't want to wait to get married. I saw too many lives cut short in the war. Agathe was taken at such a young age. Life is too short to waste any time. But it's a decision we have to make together. If you feel differently, I'll wait. I'll wait as long as you say. I want to do whatever makes you happy."

She studied him for a moment, her expression serious. He did not know what she was looking for, but he hoped she would find it in him. When she nodded, he let go of the breath he had not realized he'd been holding.

"I've lost people too. I learned at an early age that there are no guarantees save one. It's one of the reasons I chose to live at the abbey."

Her words made him realize that he had much to learn about her. He hoped to spend the rest of his life doing so. But for now, she seemed to have more to say. He waited for her to continue.

"My life is with you now. I would marry you next year, next month, or next week. I would marry you tomorrow if it were possible. What makes me happy is loving you."

"You're certain?"

"Oh, yes. I'm certain."

The sense of relief and reassurance he felt was massive. He had not known how much he needed to hear those words from her after having agonized for so long over being the cause of her confusion and suffering. He squeezed her hand. She seemed to understand. She raised his hand to her lips and kissed it gently. He felt her breath tickling his skin.

It was a kiss of comfort; it was not intended to be an erotic gesture. He knew that. In his head, he knew that. But the rest of him…the rest of him was helpless.

"I should probably tell you that there's one other reason I don't want to wait to marry you."

"What reason is that?" He was charmed by her naïveté. And aroused by it.

Staring into her eyes, he undid the clasp on her coat, and gently pushed it off her shoulders, letting it drop to the floor. The shiver that passed through her seemed to travel like a bolt of lightning throughout his body.

"You may have noticed…"

He felt his way slowly down her arms and back up again, leaving goose bumps in the wake of his touch. Another shiver, this one stronger, swept through her and he felt his body tighten in response. His hands settled on her lower back.

"…that I find it quite difficult…"

He leaned in to kiss the side of her neck, sucking gently on the pulse point that thudded frantically against his lips. She moaned softly in his ear and clutched his shirt. Her response made him want to press hard against her. He fought the urge, struggling not to give in to it.

"…to resist your charms." He rasped the final words, his voice lost.

He kissed her lips, his tongue teasing, probing, tasting until she opened her mouth and swiped his tongue with hers and then he couldn't think anymore. His hands convulsed against her back and there was only this, hot...wet...slippery...deeper...touch her...feel her...want...more...don't stop...never stop...

He broke the kiss, gasping for air, feeling her trembling against him. She opened her eyes, and he had to close his to keep himself from giving in to what he saw there, an unconscious invitation to continue and not stop, not stop until... But he would not take advantage of her.

"That's the other reason." He hardly recognized his own voice.

She loosened her grip on his shirt, and it was a few moments before she stopped shaking and was able to catch her breath.

"Yes, I see what you mean."

He laughed softly at that, and embraced her gently. She rested her head on his shoulder, leaning against him, sighing in contentment. He marveled at his undeserved good fortune. She loved him, and if he was lucky, he would get to spend the rest of his life with her. It seemed a dream, but it was one from which he never wished to wake.

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Georg walked down the stairs briskly on his way to join the family for breakfast, humming a tune under his breath. He and Maria had not stayed up late; they had both been too exhausted to discuss the details of their future plans. But they had agreed on one thing before retiring to their rooms; they would tell the children at breakfast about their forthcoming marriage. He did not doubt that the children would happily welcome Maria as their new mother.

He had woken up early from a very pleasant dream, a smile on his lips. How different it had been from the nightmares he'd had for the past several weeks. Although he had lingered in bed trying to remember every detail of the dream, much of it had faded quickly, as dreams were wont to do. But he remembered the sweetest and most intense parts, and he smiled now, knowing that that kind of joy was no longer only a dream.

He was still smiling as he entered the dining room, and his eyes were immediately drawn to Maria. She was wearing the hideous dress she had worn the day she had first arrived at the house. His eyes flickered over it, and when he looked back to her face, he saw that she having trouble containing her amusement. He coughed to hide the laughter that was bubbling up inside; if she could contain her amusement, well then, so could he.

He thought he understood why she had chosen to wear the dress; they were starting over, in a way. It was another beginning, another day one. As he continued looking into her eyes, he felt that he was right. The amusement drained away from him, from her as well. It was replaced by a tenderness in her eyes that made him swallow hard. Love.

"Father, do you think you might be sitting down soon so that we can have our breakfast?"

Gretl seemed none too pleased to be kept from her eggs and sausages. He realized that he had been lost in Maria's eyes again. It seemed that, even though they no longer had to avoid each other, they were far from immune to their pull for each other. He felt rather pleased about that. He was also pleased that he did not yet have cause to miss her blush. He loved to see her cheeks turning red out of embarrassment, as they were now, and for other more interesting reasons. But perhaps those thoughts were best left for another time. He sat down at the table.

"Children, before we have breakfast this morning, there's something I'd like to tell you. It's good news, actually."

How strange. He knew the children loved Maria and that the news would make them happy, but he suddenly felt nervous. He looked at Maria; she nodded in encouragement. The children were watching him expectantly.

"You see, sometimes when people, grownups, spend time together and get to know each other, things change. There are changes to the way things were, and they cannot remain the same." He cleared his throat. The children's blank stares were burning a hole through him. It was no wonder they looked blank; the gibberish spouting from his mouth was confusing even him.

"What your father is trying to say is that he and I love each other and have decided to marry."

Maria was laughing at him with her eyes. She had come to the rescue again, as she always seemed to when he was at a loss for words. He imagined it was something he would have to get used to. Why was it so simple when she said it?

But he had no more time to ponder her superiority, because the children were rushing out of their chairs, shouting excitedly, running back and forth between Maria and him. It could not have been more obvious that they were thrilled.

Friedrich nearly knocked him from his chair with an especially exuberant hug. Liesl planted a quick kiss on his cheek, followed immediately by Louisa, who also hugged him tightly. They had grown closer since her birthday. Gretl was settled on Maria's lap, as though she had always belonged there. Kurt stole half of Gretl's sausage before grinning unrepentantly at Maria, who grinned back.

And Marta…Marta was silent, standing by Maria and holding her hand. "You kept your promise," she said softly. Maria pulled her closer into her embrace.

The tightness in his chest grew swiftly. If he was not careful, his carefully guarded image of the stern Captain would soon be shattered, if it had not been already. He was too easily moved to tears these days.

Only Brigitta remained calmly seated.

"Brigitta, aren't you happy about the news?" Could she have some reason to be upset? He had never seen anything that would make him think so.

He was relieved when Brigitta grinned broadly.

"Of course I'm happy about the news. I was just wondering what took you so long."

And with that precocious and disturbingly revealing remark, she joined the others in celebration. She really was much too observant. He shuddered to think what she might have noticed. Better not to think about it too much. It was too frightening.

"May I pour you some tea, sir?"

Frau Schmidt was already serving him without waiting for a response. After she filled his cup, she looked at him and smiled. What would he have done without her warmth, wisdom, and gentle guidance? Perhaps he would have found his way, but he was grateful she had reached out to him when he had needed it most.

"Thank you, Frau Schmidt."

He meant it for so much more than the tea. By the look in her eyes, he could see that she understood.

He sat back and looked around the table. He had never expected to find happiness again. He did not even feel deserving of this much happiness after making so many mistakes, but it was his all the same. He would never tire of giving thanks. Not when he looked at the family and home he was fortunate to have. Not when he looked at his seven children, his seven miracles. And most especially, not when he looked at the woman sitting across from him, the woman he loved who was looking at him like that.

Not when he had Maria.

The End

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