Knocked Up

Sanzo sat at the table reading his newspaper like he usually did, except that he was more relaxed than usual. Especially considering the fact that Gojyo and Goku were arguing right next to him, waiting impatiently as Hakkai cooked breakfast. For some reason Sanzo really didn't care. After all, their mission had been accomplished. He had gotten back his master's scripture and all the group had to do was make their way home. Sanzo wasn't in a terrible hurry to get there. As much as he hated traveling with a bunch of idiots, he knew that the only things he'd face when he got back were a bunch of whiny, bald monks and stacks of paperwork.

He noticed after a while that Hakkai's cooking was taking longer than usual. Sanzo glanced up from his paper and noticed that Hakkai's movements were slow and steady, as though he was forcing his body to hold still. His face looked slightly more pale than usual, and it made Sanzo wonder if the man was sick. Hakkai was the sort of person who would try to hide something like that. Sanzo's fears were confirmed moments later when Hakkai leaned over the counter and retched into the sink. Gojyo was out of his seat in a flash and at his friend's side, patting his back and asking him if he was all right. Sanzo sat at the table and watched, feeling rather useless.

"Hey, Hakkai... you okay?" Gojyo asked.

"Oh, it's just a bit of nausea... I'm fine," he insisted, turning the water on and rinsing his hands and the outside of his mouth.

Gojyo put his hand over Hakkai's forehead. "Doesn't feel like you've got a fever or anything."

"I told you, I don't have a cold," Hakkai said. "I've just been feeling queasy all of a sudden."

"Hm... well, I know something that can help with that," Gojyo replied. He went through the cupboards and pulled out some plain crackers with salt on them. Then he looked into the fridge and pulled out a can of soda. "Try it."

Hakkai ate a few of the crackers and took a sip of the soda. "It does feel... quite a bit better, actually."

"Yep. It's gotta be 7-Up though, 'cause Sprite doesn't work."

"Why not?"

"I dunno. Different ingredients, I guess?"

"Gojyo, how do you know about these things?"

"Oh, I got it from a lady-friend," Gojyo explained, with a wink and a wide, lopsided grin. "She was... y'know... knocked up."

"Oh," Hakkai replied, staring down at the can in his hand with a worried expression on his face.

"Hey... you an' Sanzo use protection, right?"

The very mention of that subject made Sanzo's hair stand on end. He jumped up from his seat and yelled, "S-SHUT UP!! Mind your own business, perverted kappa!"

"Well... no," Hakkai answered. "We don't."

Sanzo slapped his hand, palm-up, into his forehead.

"You should... y'know... take one of those tests, then," Gojyo suggested.

"Yes, I suppose...." Hakkai agreed.

"Idiots!" Sanzo muttered to himself. Like that could ever happen!

*****

A few days later Sanzo walked through the front door of his house, expecting to find Hakkai. Or at least, he felt that it was his house, somehow, in spite of the fact that his reasonable mind was telling him that he didn't live in a house. This is ridiculous! I didn't move into a house with Hakkai, I live in a temple! Inside he found Goku and Gojyo, who had come for a visit. They were arguing, yelling insults back and forth over some subject that he must've missed. Hakkai was sitting back in a corner of the room. Wait... is that a rocking chair? Sanzo blinked in surprise. Hakkai had been rocking back and forth in the wooden chair with a rather placid expression on his face. Is he... knitting? There were needles in his hand, and pink yarn. He seemed to be making something that looked suspiciously like a tiny little bootee.

Hakkai rose the second he saw Sanzo enter the room and rushed over to meet him. He wrapped his arms around Sanzo's chest and hugged him tightly. "Ah, you're home! I'm so happy to see you! How are things going at the temple?"

Sanzo was speechless. He couldn't think of a damned thing to say, except to complain that this whole situation was completely and utterly wrong.

"Oh, I have some wonderful news, Sanzo! Do you remember that test I bought at the store the other day? It came out positive. You're going to be a father!"

"W-What?!" NO!

"Wow," Gojyo said, flashing a thumbs-up and a cheesy grin. "Congratulations, Papa Sanzo!"

"Yeah! I knew it!" Goku cried, leaping off of the couch he'd been sitting on. He rushed over and pranced around them gleefully, chanting, "I'm gonna have a sister! I'm gonna have a little sister!"

NO! NO!! Sanzo thought. This is all a bad dream. A VERY bad dream!

"How long is it gonna take until she's here, Hakkai?!"

"Oh, about another eight months... or so, I'd imagine."

"YAAAAY!"

NOOOOOOO!!

*****

The next time Sanzo walked into his home, the annoying kappa was gone. Wait... this isn't my home. None of this is really happening! It was just the three of them, again. Goku was scribbling drawings at the table while Hakkai was busy in the kitchen. It looked as though he was cooking some kind of stew. At least this setting is relatively normal, Sanzo thought, sitting down in his favorite chair. Wait, when did I get this chair? he wondered. It was a luxurious leather recliner with deep, soft cushions. He pulled the lever and a footrest came up underneath his legs, allowing him to lean back and relax in perfect comfort as he read his newspaper.

Maybe this dream isn't so bad, he thought, glancing down at the front page. There was hot tea sitting on the table next to him, steaming fresh from the stove. He took a sip and it was perfect, flavorful and bitter, just the way he liked it. Hakkai always had a talent for making the most refreshing tea. Next to where he'd found the cup, there was a pipe filled with tobacco. That's strange... Sanzo thought, I don't smoke a pipe. He picked the thing up, looked it over curiously, and then decided that he might as well give it a try. After all, Master Koumyou had liked smoking tobacco this way. He put the thing to his mouth, lit the bowl, and inhaled. It's... good. The taste was strong and rich, with plenty of bite. He was surprised by how much it reminded him of his beloved Marlboros.

"Dinner is ready!" Hakkai announced. He pulled oven mitts over his hands and took hold of the handles on either side of the large pot he'd been boiling the stew in. Then he stepped out of the kitchen and started wobbling slowly across the room.

Sanzo looked up and could not believe his eyes. Hakkai's body had been hidden behind the counter, but the moment he stepped out from behind it there was the biggest belly Sanzo had ever seen. He was stunned by the sheer size of it. It was all so full and swollen, it looked like Hakkai had swallowed a watermelon. A very round watermelon. Sanzo's eyes wandered down the man's body, over his legs, and settled on his feet, which were naked on the tile floor.

"I'm sorry, my feet have gotten rather swollen lately, so I haven't been wearing my shoes," Hakkai explained with a smile. "Even my socks have started to feel a bit binding."

Then Sanzo screamed at the top of his lungs.

*****

He awoke with a start, bolting straight up into a sitting position on the bed. He was panting, breathless, and covered in sweat. Fuck! That's the scariest nightmare I've ever had! he thought, slouching forward in exhaustion. It was definitely worse than his memories of killing people, or his recurring dream of that guy who tried to rape him when he was a kid. It wasn't as bad as the memory of the day he'd lost his master, though. Nothing was worse than that.

"Sanzo!" A voice called persistently from across the room.

Sanzo couldn't even remember hearing the door open.

"Sanzo... are you all right?" The voice came closer, an edge of worry in its tone.

Sanzo was still too shocked to turn and look. His mind was swimming with lethargy and all kinds of crazy ideas, none of them good.

"I heard you halfway across the inn. You were yelling and thrashing and crying, 'No, no!' and then you screamed." The soft, polite, concerned voice came closer and closer until it was right next to him by the side of the bed. "It must've been a horrible nightmare."

Sanzo looked up at Hakkai, who was dressed in his white pajamas and, thankfully, seemed to have a very flat belly. Sanzo wrapped his arms around Hakkai's back and pulled him close, pressing his head into the firm contours of his abs. "It was the worst."

"I'm... sorry," Hakkai replied, seeming startled by this response.

Then Sanzo remembered the first part of his dream, and fear struck into his heart. He let go of Hakkai's waist, pulled the shirt up his belly, and then pulled the waistline of his clothing out and looked down his pants. A sigh of relief escaped Sanzo's lips when he saw a penis and a pair of dark, fuzzy balls.

"Sa-n..zo?!" Hakkai stuttered. "What are you doing?!"

Sanzo threw his arms around Hakkai's waist again and said, "Hakkai... I'm so glad you're not a woman."

"What was this nightmare about?"

"It was terrible." Sanzo said, clinging to him tightly as though he were afraid that the real Hakkai would be suddenly whisked away and replaced with the pregnant one. He didn't want to talk about his dream. He really didn't even want to think about it. But, he knew that if he didn't say anything Hakkai would simply continue to pester him until he came up with an answer. "You were..." Words failed him. How could you possible explain a dream like that? "...pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen."

"Ha ha ha... HA HA HAHAHA!"

"Hey.... Don't laugh!"

"AH HAHAHAHAHA!"

Damn it, Sanzo thought. I'm probably never going to hear the end of this.

"My goodness..." Hakkai giggled. "I knew that you were anxious about the subject, Sanzo... but I didn't realize that you were this insecure! Ha ha ha HAHAHAHA!"

"Hey, shut up!"

Then Hakkai's foot brushed over something grainy. "Why are there ashes on the floor?"

Oh shit....