Harry Potter and the Forbidden List

(A/N: Don't own anything. I don't even own my guitars. Owned my Strat, but had to sale it and give the money to my parents. Don't even own the laptop I'm writing this on right now. So obviously, I don't own Harry Potter, THE LIST, or anything else I may steal...I mean "borrow" for this story. Read and Review, makes the author happy.)

Harry walked back into the Gryffindor common rooms, a mischievous smirk on his face while whistling a tune he heard on the WWN the other day. He absently gave the password to the Fat Lady and walked into the common room, entering as a conversation was going on between the boys.

"...on Jeremy!?" Ron yelled, looking at the card in front of him. "What kinda name is that!?" he yelled, getting the half-bloods and the muggleborns to snicker. "That's not the name that a Dark Lord would use...is it?"

"Better then the card I pulled." Neville said, looking up. "I got a Dark Enforcer named Peter Nor-"

"What's going on in here?" Harry asked, looking at the deck of cards that they were drawing from.

"It's a new game that the twins came up with." Ron said, looking up. "Great show, btw." he said, literally saying the letters instead of the words 'by the way'.

"Err...thanks mate." he said, looking down at the deck of cards. He shrugged and reached down, picking up the top card and turned it over. He saw the name and tried his damn hardest not to lose his cool and burst out laughing when he recognized the name on the card.

"Who you get?" Ron asked, looking at him.

"The White Wizard, Rodney Moo-"

"HARRY JAMES POTTER!!!" he heard Hermione yell, causing him to flinch. He could hear in her voice just how angry she was at him. So, like the Gryffindor he was, he swallowed his common sense and his not-so-common sense that were screaming "RUN!!!" and turned to look at her. He smiled at her, knowing that he was about to die.

"Hi Baby." he said, hoping his death would be quick and relatively painless. He knew it was asking for to much.

"Don't you dare 'Hi Baby' me, mister!" she yelled, getting him to flinch. "After that bloody stunt you pulled, I should expel you if you weren't the Head Boy! Hell, I should expel you anyays!"

"Now, 'Mione, let's not get all hasty and say things that we don't really mean." he said hoping to postpone his own death.

"I should castrate you for the laws you just broke, Harry James Potter!" she yelled, getting every male to cross their legs except for Harry, who simply lowered his hands to his crotch to protect his family jewels. In doing so, he dropped the card, getting Hermione to track it with her eyes. "What is that?"

"Oh, it's just a card from this card game that the twins came up with." Ron said, showing his general stupidity when he should be keeping his mouth firmly shut. "Draw a card and see what it does Herms."

"Don't. Call. Me. HERMS!!!" she yelled, looking at him. "Call me that name again and I'll castrate you as well!"

"Sorry." he said, closing his legs even tighter as she walked over to the table, picking up a card. She turned it over and started to read aloud.

"The White Lady Abby Win..." she said, stopping as her face started to grow red in rage.

"Hermione, remember." Harry said, looking at her. "They're purebloods, they don't know what they are doing." Harry said in hopes of saving his soon to be dead friends.

"You sick fucking perverts!" she yelled, wandlessly blowing up the cards, and the table, and part of the floor. "These are the names of porn stars you suck fucking perverts!"

"What's a porn star?" Neville asked, hoping he wouldn't be killed for asking.

"People who get paid to have sex on camera." Harry said absently, still keeping a firm grip on his wedding tackle.

"You mean that people get paid to have sex in front of a camera?" Ron asked, getting Hermione to sigh before sending a death glare at Harry.

"Yeah, loads of 'em." Harry responded, smiling to Hermione. "I got this bloke if you're wondering, Baby." he said, sliding the card towards her with his foot. He watched as she bent down to look at it and smiled as she gasped.

"These cards use a small form of passive legllimacny to make the correct card come up." she said, a red tinge on her face for a completely different reason. "Does this mean that...?"

"Care to find out?" he asked, smiling at her.

"Lets." she said, running forward to grab him by the arm and drag him off towards their Head's Room.

"What the hell just happened?" Ginny asked, looking at the group sitting around the destroyed table. "Becoming a porn star and get paid to have sex." she muttered, walking over, taking the card from Ron's hand. "Who's The Dark Slut Random Girl Number Four Six Three Nine?"

-

Outside a top secret room that everyone knew about on the seventh floor, the muggle author/musician walked out of the Room of Requirement, glasses askew and clothing disheveled as a group of women followed out after him. The smiled and waved at him and Daphne Greengrass, the last one out, stopped and gave him a long kiss, slipping her address into his back pocket. She winked, gave him another kiss, and walked away, slightly bow-legged. With a shit-eating grin, he walked away (see: stumbled like a drunk) and walked down the wrong corridor, ending up at a door that was locked by magic.

Being that he was not magical, he simply turned the lock that was on the outside of the room for some reason and unlocked the door, walking in. He also never noticed the ward start to go off. He walked towards a desk in the back and saw a piece of paper sitting on it, with the top claiming the paper was called "THE LIST" in big bold underlined letters. He looked at it and read down the list, finally noticing a large blank space at the bottom of the last page. Getting an idea and remembering the Dark Wizard card game that he was shown, he pulled out a pen and added to the list with a smirk, signing it with the name that the card game gave him.

With a smile, he walked out of the room, locking it as he left. Now all he needed to do was find that Greengrass girl again.

-

Dumbledore was afraid. The wards on the list had gone off, thus only proving in his mind that Harry was indeed told about The List. There was no other explanation. As he reached the room, he threw the door open and found The List still siting on the desk, only opened. He slowly walked over and looked down at it, only to go cross-eyed as he read it.

-Continued by The Greatest Dark Lord Mandingo-

I will not help Harry Potter play a concert in the Great Hall.

I will not attend an after-concert orgy in the Room of Requirement.

I will not tell the girls in said orgy that I am sterile.

I will not ask Daphne Greengrass if she shaves because the carpet is green.

I will not accept Daphne Greengrass' address and plot to kidnap her to force her to become my sex slave/mistress.

I will not tell Harry Potter about The List.

Yes, this "Dark Lord Mandingo" just caused a lot more work for him.

(A/N2: The Dark Lord Ron Jeremy and Peter the Dark Enforcer of the North are from Larceny, Lechery, and Luna Lovegood. Thus, not my original idea. It's a funny as hell story, go read it. If you already have, then go read it again right now. Reading's good for you, damn it. Especially if it's something funny. And perverted. Pervertedly funny.)