The First Kiss

The first time they kissed, Sirius was grieving. Remus had moved into Sirius's tiny flat about two months before. He hadn't been able to hold down a job for more than a month since leaving Hogwarts. Eventually he ran out of money. Still Remus refused to ask for help, the idea of admitting his failure was too much to bear.

Sirius took him in; let him stay in the spare bedroom rent free for as long as he wanted. Half way through his second month, the aurors discovered Regulus's body. He was just eighteen years old. Sirius was about to turn nineteen. The Black brothers hadn't spoken in almost four months.

The night Sirius saw the mark upon his younger brother's arm. The night Sirius said he hated him. Sam was beside herself and cried for days. Sirius never shed a tear though he was just as devastated. Instead, he drowned his feeling with bottle after bottle of firewhisky and smoked pack after pack of cigarettes.

The night after they found the body, Sirius drank so much Remus was worried he might actually get alcohol poisoning. "I told him I hated him," Sirius had lamented while Remus tried desperately to sober him up. "I didn't hate him Moony, he was my little brother and I loved him. I loved him and he never knew! He died thinking I hated him!" Remus didn't leave Sirius's side all night, reassuring him that Regulus knew Sirius had never stopped loving him. The next day, Remus left on a mission for the Order to beg the packs to at least remain neutral even if they did not join the light side.

He returned the day the buried Regulus Black. Sirius wasn't even allowed to go to the funeral. Remus rushed back to London as fast as he could, terrified of what he might find. Sirius was sitting hunched over on the sofa when Remus stepped through the grate. Sirius was not drinking.

Instead, he looked like a man who didn't know where he was or what to do. This helplessness was so much worse than the drinking. He barely lifted his head when he heard Remus enter. He was pale and trembling from head to foot. Remus hung up his tatty, patched cloak and sat down beside Sirius on the sofa.

He reeked of cigarettes and unwashed bed sheets but thankfully not alcohol. His feet were bare and he was wearing a bedraggled t-shirt and jeans. It looked like he had been sleeping in those clothes as well. He was unshaven and his long hair was messy. On another person this would look pathetic, Remus noted, but on Sirius it only added to his beauty.

Remus kicked himself mentally. Bad enough he felt that way about blokes. Bad enough he felt that way about Sirius. His friend was in pain, he'd just lost his brother. The last thing Sirius needed was to find out how much of a freak Remus really was.

That Remus was in love with him. "How'd it go?" Sirius asked finally. His voice was horse and rough from the long silence. "Not well," Remus said distractedly. At that moment it didn't matter.

Sirius nodded without feeling, without really listening. The silence fell again, hanging over them like a heavy fog. It was dark outside; the lights of the city glittered brightly. Remus wanted so badly to reach out to him; he even made a move to do so but stopped. "He was only eighteen years old, he was just a kid," Sirius choked out suddenly, jerking both of them back to the present.

Remus did reach out then, laying a hand on Sirius's shoulder, gripping it comfortingly. It was safe enough for him to do that at least. "I left him there, I should have dragged Reg out of that house the night I left!" he railed. He lifted his head then so that their eyes met. Stricken grey found concerned amber.

"I left him there Moony, I left him there with them!" he cried out, more sorrow than anger in his voice. Tears welled in Sirius's beautiful albeit suffering eyes though he refused to let them fall. "It's all my fault Remus, he's dead and it's all my fault!" Shocked and horrified, Remus reached out and yanked Sirius into his arms. He felt fragile and bony in Remus's arms. He wondered when Sirius had last eaten.

"Regulus made his own choices Sirius," Remus said, keeping him pressed close. A fierce protectiveness filled him and he was suddenly desperate to take care of Sirius, to relieve his torment. "None of this was your fault, none of it!" he said firmly. Slowly, Sirius's trembling frame relaxed against his own, letting Remus support his slight weight. He shifted slightly, resting his soft raven head on the Lycan's shoulder.

The ebony tendrils brushed his scarred cheek. Against his better judgment and every instinct he had, Remus rocked him slightly and ran his fingers through the animagus's silken hair. "I tried to be a good brother, I tried to protect him," Sirius whispered, his voice watery and weak. "You are a good brother," Remus corrected. Sirius's trembling seemed to ease a bit, he even relaxed slightly.

"I loved him, I loved him so much," Sirius whispered, sitting up slightly so that their eyes met once more. "Do you think he knew that?" His gaze was anxious and beseeching. Remus smiled softly and brushed the fringe from his best friend's eyes. "I know he did," Remus assured him.

And for the first time in what seemed like ages, Sirius smiled. It was weak and wavering but a smile none the less. What happened next happened so fast that Remus couldn't stop it. Not that he really wanted to. There was a flash of movement that must have been his and their lips met.

Sirius's lips were soft, that was Remus's first thought. Softer than he thought a man's lips could be. A million thoughts raced through Remus's head.

This is wrong.

You're disgusting.

He's your best mate.

You're sick.

He's going to hate you.

Gods, this feels amazing.

Remus had kissed men before but it wasn't like this, it had never been like this. He expected Sirius to pull away, to hit him even but he didn't. Remus gasped in surprise when Sirius's arms looped around his scarred neck and pulled him closer still. Remus held him just as close, clutching him a little desperately knowing that once Sirius shock wore off and he shoved him away Remus would lose his best friend. But he pushed that aside and concentrated on the man in his arms and lips beneath his own.

A car backfired outside and they jerked apart as if they had been electrocuted. For several moments they simply sat there in each other's arms as if frozen in place. Their eyes never left each other. Then panic set in, realization of what he had done. Remus untangled himself from Sirius's arms and scrambled to get off the sofa.

He had to leave, to get away. As far away from the betrayal he had just committed as he could. Remus was quick but Sirius was quicker and grabbed his arm in a tender but solid grip. Sirius's eyes were soft, even a little distressed. There was no anger and there was no disgust. Remus didn't resist as Sirius pulled him back onto the sofa.

Neither of them said a word as they lay back against the sofa. Sirius settled against Remus's side like a puppy, his raven hair spilling all over the Lycan's shoulder in messy waves. Remus barely felt his own arm snake around his best friend's thin shoulders. Time ticked by but still neither of them spoke. They didn't even move.

If this was the end of their friendship, Remus was glad he had this one moment with Sirius. The clock on the mantel place struck one. "I love you," Sirius said, his voice was little more than a cautious whisper. He shifted then so that their eyes met once more, a long fingered hand rested on Remus's chest, right over his heart. He wondered if Sirius could feel it pounding.

"Do you love me?" Sirius whispered, lost and hesitant. His grey eyes were sad again, desperate, worried and utterly terrified. With shaking fingers, Remus caressed Sirius's cheek. Sirius closed his eyes and leaned into the soothing caress. "I love you so much," Remus said so quietly he had strain to hear himself.

The first time they kissed, Sirius was grieving. The second time they kissed, Sirius was laughing.