The Cure

"I'm tellin' ya mate, pine smoke is the only possibility," Pyro said lying back on the couch in the recreation room.

"Are you sure? I think peppermint is a better fit," Piotr replied while sitting at the other end.

"No way. Ask anybody to take one look at something russet and the first thing that'll pop into their heads is pine smoke," Pyro waved. "Am I right?"

"For the love of mike, will you just shut up?" Sabertooth snapped as he idly flipped through channels on the TV. "Pyro there is no way you're gonna convince anyone that certain colors look like smells."

"But it's true!" Pyro insisted. "You see it everywhere! Khaki looks like ham. Saffron looks like vanilla. Periwinkle looks like propane!"

"I though that was methane," Piotr frowned in confusion.

"No, you're thinking of turquoise," Pyro corrected him. "It's an easy mistake to make."

"Oh geeze," Sabertooth shook his head. "And I thought the fig bar debate was dumb."

"I still say peppermint is a better match for russet," Piotr continued. "Pine smoke does not have enough bite."

"What? It has plenty of bite!" Pyro protested just as Remy trudged into the room. "Hey Gambit, you agree with me right?"

"Not now Pyro…hic!" Remy grumbled with a very unhappy look on his face.

"Are you okay?" Piotr asked having noticed Remy's expression.

"No, I'm…hic!…not," Remy sighed and plopped down into a chair. "I've got the stu…hic!…stupid hiccups. Hic!"

"Oh, just wait a few minutes. They'll pass by in a jiff," Pyro waved.

"No, they won't. Hic!" Remy snapped irritably. "I've been hiccu…hic!…hiccupping nonstop for the past…hic!…hour! And I can't ge…hic!…get rid of 'em!"

"Have you tried holding your breath?" Piotr asked.

"Yes, I have," Remy rolled his eyes. "Hic! I've held my breath, sipped some water, stood on my he…hic!…head, plugged my ears, gone to the…hic!…bathroom, swallowed everything from su…hic!…sugar to peanut butter to lemon juice and just wait…hic!…waited for the next one to come. Hic! Nothing works!"

"Oh dear. That does sound bad," Piotr blinked.

"No…hic!…kidding," Remy grumpily folded his arms.

"I know!" Pyro got up and whipped out a pack of matches. He showed them to Remy. "Here. Bite into one of these."

"What?" Remy gave him a weird look. "Hic!"

"Just the head," Pyro explained breaking off a match. "The little bit of sulfur in it will cure your hiccups in no time."

"Are you sure that is safe?" Piotr asked, concerned.

"Sure, as long as it's only one," Pyro said handing the match to Remy. "Here ya go!"

"Okay…hic!" Remy hesitated a moment before biting into the match head. He immediately made a face. "Yuck!"

"See? I told ya. His hiccups are gone," Pyro grinned proudly while putting his matchbook away.

"Hey, I think you're right," Remy blinked before hiccupping once again. "Dang it!"

"Hmmm, this is gonna be harder than I thought," Pyro scratched his head and started to pace around the room.

"I have an idea," Piotr said getting up. "We'll just tickle you for a little bit. That should do it."

"Hey, that's a good one," Pyro agreed.

"Oh no…hic! Don't even…hic!…think about it," Remy warned. "Guys, I'm ser…hic!…serious. Don't…aaahhhhhh!"

"Get him!" Pyro shouted as he and Piotr tackled Remy to the floor.

"NO! HAHAHA…STOP…HAHAHA…HIC!…STOP IT…HAHAHA…HIC!" Remy cried as he was mercilessly tickled by his teammates. "HAHAHA…HIC!…HELP…HAHAHAHAHA!"

"Okay, that is enough," Piotr ceased tickling him. "They should be gone now. Pyro I said that is enough!"

"Whoops! Sorry about that mate," Pyro apologized and moved away. "Well, did it work?"

"Gahhh!" Remy panted as he tried to catch his breath. "I'm…I'm gonna get you two for this. Hic!"

"No, it did not," Piotr sighed.

"So much for that idea," Sabertooth snickered at Remy's predicament.

"Hey, I don't hear you suggesting any…hic!…anything," Remy snapped cantankerously.

"Yeah, you got any ideas?" Pyro asked.

"Sure," Sabertooth grinned. "Do six sideways somersaults while bucking like a chicken."

"Huh?" Piotr blinked at him.

"I've never heard of that one before," Pyro remarked.

"That's supposed to…hic!…cure my hiccups, how?" Remy glared at Sabertooth. "Hic!"

"You wanna get rid of them or not?" Sabertooth growled at him.

"Alright, fine," Remy reluctantly got to his feet and moved to an open part of the room. "But you…hic!…better not be filming this."

"We won't," Piotr assured him.

"Ok…hic!…okay, here it goes," Remy did a quick stretch and began to do the somersaults. "Buck, buck, buck-kaw! Hic! Buck, buck, buck-kaw! Hic!"

"That's it," Sabertooth smiled while watching him flip around the room.

"Buck, buck, buck-kaw! Hic! Buck, buck, buck-kaw! Hic! Okay, that didn't work," Remy finished the somersaults and turned towards Sabertooth. "Any more brill…hic!…brilliant suggestions Furball…WILL YOU GUYS CUT IT OUT!"

The three non-hiccupping Acolytes were busy laughing their heads off. "Oh man, I can't believe you fell for that!" Sabertooth roared while throwing back his head.

"That was priceless!" Pyro giggled and fell over the back of the couch.

"AAARRRGGGHHH!" Remy screamed. "THAT WAS NOT FUN…HIC!…FUNNY!"

"I'm sorry," Piotr tried to stop chuckling. "But it was kind of amusing."

"And you imitate a chicken sooo well," Sabertooth chortled. "Maybe you should try and get one for a date."

"That's it! I'm…hic!…outta here!" Remy turned to leave.

"Oh come on Gambit! Don't go!" Pyro shouted popping up from behind the couch. "We won't laugh or make you do something embarrassing like that again. We wanna help. Well, at least two of us do anyway."

"Alright," Remy sighed and walked over to him. "Hic!"

"That's the spirit!" Pyro threw an arm around Remy's shoulders. "Don't worry mate. We'll get rid of those nasty hiccups. Or maybe not. Maybe you'll end up like Hiccuppin' Herb Hickman, the guy who went and hiccupped for over sixty years! Heck, he's probably still hiccuppin'!"

"Oh great, that's real encouraging…hic!" Remy groaned.

"I got it!" Pyro snapped his fingers. "Think of purple elephants."

"Hic!" Remy hiccupped in reply.

"Okay, how about hairy elephants," Pyro tired.

"Hic!"

"All the people you'd really hate to see in their underwear."

"Hic!"

"All the people you'd really like to see in their underwear."

"Hic! Hic! Hic! Hic! Hic!"

"I know! Hiccup right now and I'll give ya ten bucks!"

"Hic!"

"Dang," Pyro swore and dug out the money.

"Well at lea…hic!…least I got something from all this. Hic!" Remy smiled and pocketed the cash.

"Why don't we try scaring him?" Piotr spoke up. "That is supposed to help get rid of hiccups.

"Oh please, like there's any…hic!…anything that could really scare me…hic!" Remy scoffed confidently.

"Really?" Pyro grinned with a twinkle in eye. "Hey, look! Ellie's back!"

"WHERE?!" Remy yelped and dived behind the TV. "KEEP IT AWAY FROM…HIC!…ME!"

"And I saw one of the shelia's you were flirting with at the science museum turn into Mystique," Pyro added.

"WHAT?!" Remy shrieked as the color drained from his face. "HIC!"

"Yeah, and I heard Mags talking about that white-striped hair shelia you like," Pyro continued with sadistic glee. "Turns out she likes older men and is totally into him! That's Mags is a thousand times smarter and more attractive than you could ever be. When compared to him she said you have the mental capacity of a grapefruit and the physical attractiveness of Toad!"

BUMP!

"I think you went a little too far," Piotr blinked as Remy fainted dead away.

"Oops!" Pyro gulped. "But hey, it did go and cure his hiccups."

"Hic!" Remy twitched as he continued to hiccup despite being unconscious.

"You were saying," Piotr raised an eyebrow.

Ten minutes later…

"Ohhh," Remy moaned as he slowly regained consciousness. "What happened…hic!…hey!" He noticed he was tied down onto the central kitchen counter. He was also minus his boots and socks.

"Okay Gambit," Pyro stood over him with Piotr and Sabertooth on either side. "Get set. If this doesn't get rid of your hiccups nothing will!"

"What…hic!" Remy tried to regain his senses. "What are you gonna do? Let me…hic!…go!"

"Sorry," Pyro held up a round pepper grinder. "You might wanna close your eyes." He began to grind pepper into Remy's face.

"ACHOOOO!" Remy sneezed violently as he was covered in pepper. "ACHOOOO! HIC! KNOCK IT…HIC!…OFF…ACHOOO!"

"There!" Pyro tossed the empty pepper grinder over his shoulder. "Still have the hiccups?"

"Ye…hic!…yes! Achoooo!" Remy glared at him dangerously. "And thanks to…hic!…you I also have to sneeze! Hic! Achoooo!"

"Too bad. My turn," Sabertooth shoved Pyro aside and gave Remy and evil grin. "It's acupuncture time!"

"NOOO!" Remy shouted in horror as he spotted a tray holding hundreds of sharp metal needles.

"Are you sure you are qualified for this?" Piotr asked.

"Eh, how hard could it be?" Sabertooth picked up a large needle and moved it towards Remy's chest.

"Oh no. You said you knew what you were doing," Piotr plucked the needle out of Sabertooth's hand.

"I do. I'm gonna go fill him up with lots of little needles," Sabertooth shrugged.

"Forget it," Piotr went and moved the needles away.

"Thank you," Remy gasped as sweat poured down his face. "Thank…hic!…you!"

"Oh well. Guess it's up to you now Colossus," Pyro said with a shrug.

"I suppose so," Piotr sighed and looked at Remy with regret. "I did not want to do this unless absolutely necessary."

"Uh, do what? Hic!" Remy started to get very nervous.

"It is an old family remedy," Piotr pulled out a large five gallon bucket filled with ice. "First, you put some ice in his boots and slip them on his feet…"

"AAAHHHHHH! HIC!" Remy screamed from the shock.

"Then throw some under his shirt…" Piotr quickly put in a few handfuls.

"OH MAN THAT'S COLD! YEEEOOOWWWWWW!"

"And finally pour the rest of it down his pants," Piotr proceeded to do so.

"AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Remy's shrieks hit an octave that caused Sabertooth to wince. He broke free from his restraints and ran out of the room twisting, convulsing and jumping from foot to foot! "COLD! COLD! COLD! REALLY COLD! OOOWWWWWW! MY WAIST! CAN'T FEEL MY WAIST! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Wow," Piotr blinked at Remy's actions. "I did not think he would take it that badly."

"What a wimp," Sabertooth snorted. "A little ice under the clothes is nothing. I was buried in an avalanche one time and it took three days just to dig myself out."

"Hey! I think you did it! His hiccups are gone!" Pyro cheered and did a little dance.

"I think you are right," Piotr listened for a second. "I do not hear them anymore. Although it is difficult to tell with all the screaming going on."

"Crud. Now what am I gonna do for fun?" Sabertooth grumbled.

Just then Magneto walked into the kitchen with a scowl on his face. "I don't be…hic!…believe this! How could I have gotten the…hic!…hiccups?" He noticed the three Acolytes in the room. "What are you idiots looking at? Hic! Why are you all smi…hic!…smiling? Are those matches? Hic! And what's with all the ice…AAAHHHHHH! YEEEOOOWWW! GET AW…HIC!...AWAY FROM ME! NOOOOOO!"