INVADER HARUHI
Search for the Holy Grail
Extended Edition! With more humor!
In the mysterious land of Arma...
It is in the early morning, and the fog has not yet risen from the ground. A trotting sound is heard. Coming up the dirt road, was the young princess, Haruhi Suzumiya. Behind her was the second most beautiful girl in all the land, Mikuru Asahina. After her was the silent protector, Yuki Nagato. and behind HER was the lowly guy without a name... although Haruhi simply addresses him as "Kyon".
They noticed a castle, and headed for it. after they reached its moat, they stop.
"Hello?!" Haruhi yelled. "Is anybody there?!"
and to their surprise, there was. Red, the knight there, appeared.
"Yes, who goes there?!" he yelled back down.
"It is I, Haruhi Suzumiya, Future Queen of Arma," she declared. "And this is my loyal servants, Mikuru, Yuki, and Kyon! We have traveled over many distances to come to this castle, and speak with your lord about joining my knights of the spiral table."
"A spiral table?"
"My dad's idea. He was the one to send us here, and our horses are tired and hungry."
"... Horses?"
"Yep." She replied, then shot a look at Kyon, who shifted his hands.
Red was smart enough to realize the truth: "You're using two coconut halves!"
Haruhi then said, "Does it matter? We have traveled far and wide, and-"
But Red interrupted, asking, "Where'd you get those coconuts?"
"... we found them."
"Coconuts aren't native to Arma!"
"How do you know?! Swallows aren't from Arma, yet you see them!" Haruhi said in defense.
Red scratched his head. "So, you're saying...coconuts migrate?"
"NO!"
Then Mikuru chimed in. "A swallow could carry them."
Yuki then said, "I doubt it."
Mikuru then turned to her and said, "You doubt a swallow's burning spirt?!"
Red then chimed in by saying, "It's not a question of a swallow's burning spirit. It's a question of weight ratio. A five-ounce bird cannot carry a 1-pound coconut."
"Oh. well..."
Then, another knight, Blue, appeared, and said, "It could be carried by an African Swallow!"
Red then countered with, "Well, they're non-migratory."
Then the two got into an argument. Mikuru looked at Kyon. Kyon looked at Haruhi. Haruhi looked at Yuki. They all shrugged, and galloped off into the distance...
... meanwhile, the evil wizard, Zim, was up to his latest plan: gathering up corpses. but since he could only find one coffin in the entire graveyard, and it was containing a vampire, he decided to gather up the corpses directly.
"Bring out your dead!!! Bring out your dead!!!" Zim called as he rang a bell while some SIR units pulled a wagon full of dead and rotting corpses.
"Where's your dead? Bring out the dead!!"
Suddenly, a large robot came down his stairs, trying his best to carry a bigger robot on his back.
"Wait, wait!!" he called. "I've got a dead one!!!"
Starscream stumbled down the stairs and fell, the dead Megatron smushing him. Starscream struggled to his feet and dragged Megatron to the cart.
"I've got one." Starscream said again.
"Ok, hoist him up." Zim said.
"WAIT!" Megatron suddenly yelled. "I still function!!!"
"Well, he's not dead." Zim said.
"He's dying from... er... Cosmic Rust!!!" Starscream said.
"No, actually I think I'm getting better!" said Megatron.
"If he says he's not dead, then I guess he's not." Zim said.
"Your very old and sick, Megs!!!! You will be dead soon!! Can't you please just take him??" Starscream pleaded.
"As much as I want to, I can't."
"He'll just be a couple minutes"
"LALALALALA!! I'm better!!! I could run 1000 lightyears!! Lets go to the park!! Lalalala!! I feel WONDERFUL!!" Megatron said, but Starscream paid no attention.
Just then... WHACK! ZAP! and Megatron was finally dead.
Then Haruhi walked by. and Zim... was amazed.
Zim then asked, "Who is that amazing girl?"
Starscream took a moment of observation before saying, "The Princess herself!"
"How can you tell?"
"She hasn't got slime all over her."
Little did the two know... that fate will intertwine them
So, Princess Haruhi walked with her companions into a field, walking to the nearest person. She then said, "Hey, Old Dude?"
and Kotana turned and said, "I'm a girl, y'know."
"Oh. Right then. I'm sorry. Can you tell me who lives that castle over yonder?"
"And, I'm 18."
"Interesting. Now, who lives in that castle?"
"I dunno. I only pay attention to Anime shows. Ask someone else."
Then Kagami showed up, along with Tsukasa and Miyuki. Kagami then asked, "What's going on?"
Kotana then said, "Oh, this chick keeps asking me who lives in that nearby castle."
Kagami then turns to Haruhi and askes, "Who are you to ask that?"
Haruhi then says, proudly, "I am Haruhi Suzumiya, future Queen of Arma."
They look at Haruhi... then Tsukasa said, "What's Arma?"
"You're in it. Now, for the last time, WHO LIVES IN THAT CASTLE?? WHO IS YOUR LORD???" Haruhi demanded.
"Nobody." Miyuki replied.
Then Haruhi looked disgusted, and left. Given that they don't have anything to do with this situation, Yuki, Kyon, and Mikuru come with her.
They walk for a long while, then notice... a fight... between a green knight and a black knight. The Black Knight was very skilled in his sword fighting technique. The Green Knight, to put it politely, was getting his butt whooped. The Black Knight bashed the Green Knight in the back of the neck with his sword, and the Green Knight stumbled. The Green Knight tried to charge at the Black Knight, but the Black Knight threw his sword and it went through the opening on the Green Knight's helmet. Blood began to spurt out of the helmet. The Green Knight fell... dead. Yanking out his sword, The Black Knight turned to the forest and looked on.
Yuki then motioned that they should go around the knight and across the nearby bridge. But just before they could go past him...
"You shall not pass."
Yuki then turned to him and said, "I believe that choice is not yours to make."
"Then, you shall die."
Haruhi then said, "I command you, as future Queen of Arm, to stand aside!"
"I move for no man, woman, or child. and you have been warned."
Drawing his sword, He slashed at Yuki, who countered by drawing her own sword, and blocking his sword. They slashed at each other... until Yuki knocks off his hemet. Her eyes open with surprise, as the Black Knight cracks his smile... or rather... HER smile.
Yuki exclaimed, "Ryoko!"
The "Black Knight", Ryoko, then said, "Hello, Yuki, old friend."
"I thought you were dead."
"Think again!"
Dodging another slash, Yuki, whether by plan or instinct... slashed off Ryoko's arm.
Falling on the ground, Yuki managed to say, "Ryoko... I'm sorry..."
Ryoko then... laughed, even as blood dripped from her arm socket. Then she said, "You're sorry... over a scratch."
"Your arm's off."
"I've had worst... after the last fight!"
Ryoko then charged, and Yuki, in that instinct thing again, slashed her other arm off. Yuki then realized what she did, and... cried. Tears ran down her face... which then met an armored foot... attached to Ryoko?
Taunting Yuki, Ryoko kicked again and again. Yuki then yelled, "HEY! You got no arm's yet!"
"So? It's just a flesh wound."
Then Yuki lost it, slicing her legs off.
Yuki then cried another tear for Ryoko, who was currently yelling junk. Haruhi then looked at the two and then said, "We'll call it a draw. Come, Kyon!"
While Mikuru comforted Yuki, they took for a new place... and Ryoko yelled, "HEY! COME BACK HERE! I'LL BITE YOUR LEGS OFF!
"Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiemm," the monks walking the streets chanted, and after they said that, they hit themselves on the forehead with a wooden board.
"Pie Iesu domie, dona eis requiemm."
WHACK!
"Pie Iesu domie, dona eis requiemm."
WHACK!
The monk's chant was drowned out by the screams of the towns people. They were hollering and yelling, "We've got a witch!"
Itsuki Koizumi was busy tying a coconut to an african swallow, when he noticed a huge group of townspeople running toward his platform. One of them stepped forward to Itsuki.
"We found a witch, may we burn her?!" he asked.
"Depends. Why do you think she's a witch?"
"She looks like one."
Itsuki rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. Bring her forward."
They brought forward... Gaz with a tin on her head, ragged clothing, and a fake nose.
Itsuki looked at her, then said, "Did you dress her up like this?"
The crowd gasped, then said, "NO!"
a few moments before one guy then said, "Well... we DID do the nose."
Itsuki then said, "The nose?"
"... and the hat. But she is a witch!"
another guy chimed in by yelling, "I bought her Game Slave 2, and she hounded me all over the city! and when I thought it was over, she dropped the elevator I was in, and sent me screaming to my doom!"
"Your doom?"
Iggins looked at his feet, then back at Itsuki and replied, "I got better..."
The guy next to him then yelled, "Burn Her Anyway!"
The crowd started yelling again as our heroes arrived. They stayed at a distance to watch what was going to happen.
"Okay, let's think logically here," Itsuki said. "What do you do with witches?"
"WE BURN WITCHES!!!"
"And what ELSE do you burn?"
"MORE WITCHES!"
Everyone turned to him, then one guy yelled, "Wood!"
"Yeah. So, what are witches made of?"
The crowd was silent again.
GOD, I am dealing with morons..., Itsuki thought.
"Wood?" someone said.
"Yes, so, how can you tell she is a witch?"
More silence, and Itsuki was getting impatient.
"What does wood do in water?" he asked.
"It floats!" someone said.
"So, if she's made of wood, she would float!" Itsuki said.
"THROW HER INTO THE POND!"
"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Now, what also floats in water?"
"Rocks!"
"Lead!"
"Churches!"
"Gravy!"
"Fish Heads!"
"A duck." Kyon then said, and the crowd turned to him. Haruhi was surprised about this outburst.
"Yep, he's right," Itsuki said.
"So, if she weighs the same as a duck, then she would be made of wood!" someone said.
"And therefore..." Itsuki said.
The crowd looked at each other, before one guy yelled, "A WITCH!"
"Come on," Itsuki said, bringing them over to a large scale.
On one end of the scale was Gaz. On the other end, was a duck. She would've weighed more than the duck, if Iggins didn't tie weights to the duck's feet.
"A WITCH!" everyone screamed when the weighing was done.
"This was an unfair trial," Gaz said as she was being led away by the crowd.
Itsuki walked over to Kyon and asked, "Who are you, whom is an expert in the ways of science?"
Kyon then said, "I am Kyon, loyal servant to Princess Haruhi Suzumiya."
Itsuki then noticed Haruhi and said, "My liege-ess!" before getting on her knees and saying, "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!"
He regained his composure and then said, "What brings you to this humble village?"
"I want you to join my knights of the spiral table!"
"Why spiral?"
"My parents don't want to get sued for using "round" table."
"Oh, well, fine."
"What's your name?"
"Itsuki, your highness."
"Then I dub you," Haruhi said, pulling out her sword. "Sir Itsuki, knight of the round table."
Just then, someone cleared their throat, and they looked behind them. Zim in a lawyer suit was standing there, arms crossed, glaring at them.
"Er... SPIRAL Table."
Itsuki was the first knight of the Spiral Table. He wouldn't be the last. More joined in as time went on. Sir Tsuruya, the Brave, Sir Ryoko, the Pure (Different Ryoko. The one that got sliced up had a scar over her left eye) and Sir GIR, The Boltbrain. And also, Sir Invisible Guy. And they would be known throughout the centuries as the Knights of the Spiral Table
Later...
"LOOK!" Haruhi exclaimed. "We're at Ramelot!!"
Yuki then said, "It's so beautiful."
"It's so amazing!" Mikuru said.
"Its only a model." Kyon stated.
"SHH!"
Haruhi turned to her companions, and then said, "Knights, I bring you to your home base. Come forth, lets go to Ramelot!!"
They walk into the building... and... knights began singing!
(Cue the cheesy music and the stupid tap dancing knights)
KNIGHTS: [singing]
We're Knights of the Spiral Table.
We dance whene'er we're able.
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Ramelot.
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
[dancing]
We're Knights of the Square Table.
Our shows are formidable,
But many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We're opera mad in Ramelot.
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
[meanwhile, in dungeon]
DIB: [clap clap clap clap]
[in medieval hall]
KNIGHTS: [tap-dancing]
In war we're tough and able, (One of them steps on Mimi)
TAK: MIMI!
Quite indefatigable.
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Ramelot.
MAN: I have to push the pram a lot.
Our heroes ran out.
"On second thought, lets not go to Ramelot. Those guys freak me out!!" Haruhi exclaimed.
So Princess Haruhi and her Knights got on their "horses" and rode off... before they were intercepted by Sir Tanaguchi.
Sir Tanaguchi then said, "Princess Haruhi! Your father, King Hrothgar, is dead!"
Haruhi then said, "I thought he was King Frank."
"Oh, whatever! Now, we must find you a prince to serve as your king!"
"Isn't there another way to the throne?"
"Well, there IS the Holy Grail hidden by your ancestor, King Arthur. But it is lost"
"Can't we find it?"
"Well..."
"Good! Now, to find The Holy Grail!"
and so, the Knights of the Spiral Table go to find the Holy Grail... unaware of forces in the stars working against them...
At Zim's Evil Castle...
Zim succeeded in creating a Zombie Army. Unfortunately, they began dancing to "Thriller."
Zim looked with pity at his army... when a voice spoke. Zim looked at eGIR, and shrugged. Suddenly, there was thunder.
"Zim... Zim... Rightful King of Arma!"
Using the cheap special effects, the dark clouds opened up like a sliding glass door to reveal...
"AAAAAAHHHHH!!! IT'S UNICRON!!!!" Zim screamed. "RUN AWAY!"
Zim ran out of his castle, but Unicron's eyes pierced his soul. Zim... bowed, hoping for the dark god's mercy. But...
"Don't bow to me, I can't stand it!" Unicron said.
Zim got up, and looked in horror.
"Okay, now, Zim. I have a quest for you! You must stop Haruhi Suzumiya from retriving... the Holy Grail!"
Unicron's face was replaced by a picture of the Holy Grail. Zim was relieved.
"That's it?! It looks like a cup from an antique store!" Zim said.
"SILENCE! Now, go forth, and seek the Holy Grail!" Unicron commanded.
The clouds then shut, on Unicron's fingers.
"OW!" The doors opened a tiny bit, and after he moved his fingers, they closed again.
Zim then turned to his companion, and yelled, "eGIR!"
eGIR, with his muted green eyes, then said, "Yesssss.... Massster?"
"We have a grail to find... for Unicron!"
eGIR's eyes turned cyan as he said, "YAY, We're doomed!
The Tale of Sir Tsuruya
So the Knights went their separate ways to seek the Grail. Sir Tsuruya rode north to the forest of Ewing. Of course, his favorite minstrels were accompanying him. The lead singer was Churuya.
"Bravely bold Sir Truya rode forth from Ramelot," She sang.
"Why 'Truya'??" Sir Tsuruya asked.
"Because Tsuruya doesn't fit. Now don't interrupt my song again!!"
"Sorry…"
"She was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Truya.
She was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Truya!
She was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have her eyes gouged out and her elbows broken,
To have her kneecaps split and her body burned away
And her limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Truya!
Her head smashed in and her heart cut out
And her liver removed and her bowels unplugged
And her-"
"Umm, that's enough singing for now Churuya!!!! Look, there is danger ahead!!!!"
And sure enough there was. They came across a huge three headed monster.
"Halt!!!!!" The three headed beast cried out. "Who are you???"
"She is brave Sir Tsuruya…" Churuya sang.
"SHUT UP!!! Umm, I'm nobody really. Just passing through."
"I don't buy that!!" The head shouted.
"Oh allright, I'm actually a Knight of the Spiral Table."
"A Knight of the Spiral Table?"
"Yes."
"Well then I guess that we will have to kill you!!"
The heads began arguing.
"Shall I cut off her head??"
"No I shall!!"
"Come on now, lets be nice!!!"
"Just let me cut her head off!!!"
"Why don't I cut your head off??"
"Yeah he should! I hate you!!!"
"Well I hate you guys too! And you have really bad breath!!"
"That's only because I don't brush my teeth!"
"Hey I'm hungry you guys! Let's have tea!"
"Tea?? At a time like this! We have to kill the knight!!"
"Well lets kill her and then have tea"
"Ok." they all said simultaneously.
When they looked down, Sir Tsuruya and his minstrels were gone.
"Brave Sir Tsuruya ran away." Churuya sang out as they galloped through the woods.
"It's called a retreat!!!"
"Bravely ran away, away."
"NO!!"
"When danger reared its ugly head, she bravely turned her tail and fled."
"I DID NO SUCH THING!"
"Yes, brave Sir Tsuruya turned about."
"I DIDN'T!!"
"And gallantly, she chickened out. Bravely taking to her feet-"
"NO!!! I DIDN'T!!"
"She beat a very brave retreat."
"YOU'RE LYING!!"
"Bravest of the brave, Sir Tsuruya."
"SHUT UP OR I'M FEEDING YOU TO A CAT!!!!!"
"... Nyoron~"
The Tale of Sir GIR
GIR's tale isn't much, so I'll explain it in brief detail: GIR found a wonderful place full of puppies, chibi anime girls, and raining tacos. GIR lived from then on, happily ever after... until Sir Itsuki dragged him out of there.
GIR: I wanna go back in!
Itsuki: It was a place of great peril.
GIR: I can handle the peril!
Itsuki: No. It's too perilous.
The Tale of Sir Itsuki
"One day, lad, all this would be yours," Professor said to his son, Dib.
"What, the Chevy Camaros parked in front of the castle for no particular reason?" Dib asked.
"What?! NO! All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land. That'll be your kindom, lad."
"I don't even LIKE it here." Dib said.
"Listen, lad: I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all of this was swamp! King Optimus Prime said it was dumb to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show him! It sank into the swamp. SO, I built a second one, taking all design flaws from the first one, and eliminating them! That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That got attacked by Decepticons, then Irkens, then French guys with weird insults, and then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one......stayed up. And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands."
"Okay, first of all, why are you calling me 'Lad?' Second, I have other plans with my life."
"Like what?"
"Well... allow me to tell you. HIT IT, BLASTER!" Dib yelled to his red-armored friend, who transformed into a stereo. It began to play 'Hare Hare Yukai'... when Professor Membrane hit his stop button and said, "You're not going to go into sing an dance while I'm around! GUARDS!"
Two identical Battle Droids walked in. The Professor then said, "You're going to be married to Princess Emiri, and THAT'S FINAL!"
Membrane walked out, saying, "He is NOT to leave this room, until I come and get him."
"Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him." One Battle Droid said.
"Until."
"Until what?"
"Don't let him out until I come to get him."
"Rodger, Rodger."
"But Dad..." Dib began to say, before Membrane said, "SHUT your mouth, you giant-headed freak."
"MY HEAD'S NOT BIG!" Dib yelled.
Professor Membrane walked to the room, where Emiri Kimidori was managing to get her wedding dress on. He smiled, knowing that Dib was a lucky man, despite his protests.
He then walked back, to get Dib... only to find he wasn't there.
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET DIB OUT!" Membrane yelled.
"Oh, You did?" The Battle Droid he had to make clear their mission. Membrane yelled, "YES!"
"I thought you meant HIM," The Battle Droid said, pointing to his counterpart, "I thought it was weird that he had to be guarded."
Dib ran for his life, far from Swamp Castle, far from Membrane, far from everything, before bumping into Sir Itsuki, who was dragging around Sir GIR. He shook off the impact, then continued to run. Sir Itsuki shrugged, and continued to drag GIR along.
The Tale of Sir Ryoko (AKA Scene 24!)
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!" A deformed old SIR unit laughed maniacally.
"So, who is this enchanter that you are talking about?" Ryoko asked him.
"HAAAHAAAHEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAA!!!"
"Where does this enchanter live?" Ryoko asked the old SIR unit.
"HAAAHAAAAAAAAAAHEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAA!!'
"I DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHERE HE LIVES!!"
"There is a cave….HAHAHEE….a cave which no man has ever entered!!!!"
"And the Grail? Is it there??"
"Beyond the cave lies the gorge of eternal torture!! For in this gorge lies all the teletubbies!!!"
Ryoko shuddered at the thought.
"But what about the Holy Grail!???"
"Then go to the *cue scary music*….BRIDGE OF DEATH!!!"
"And this leads to the Grail????"
"WAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHEEEEHAAA!!"
Ryoko sweatdropped. This was gonna get ugly.
R&R
Chapter 5: Shrubs, Taunters, and the word NI
Haruhi's group was having some difficulty with finding the Holy Grail. However, Zim's group was having even more trouble. They had just come across a castle, which they want to borrow weapons from. However, the guy that they were talking to had other ideas.
Zim yelled at the guy, "Let us in, or we shall torment you for five hundred moons!"
The guy responded, in a strange, non-Armaian accent, "I'm not afraid of you, Zombie Pig-Dogs!"
"Any sensible Armaian would!"
"I'm FRENCH! Why do you think I have this silly accent, you idiot?!"
"What are you doing in Arma then???" Zim asked.
"MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!!!"
"THAT'S IT! I WILL DESTROY YOU!"
"I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"
Turning to his army, Zim said, "Get them!"
The French guy turned to his companions and said, "Fetchez La Vache!"
"Wha?" One of them asked.
"Get the cow!"
"Oh."
The Zombies charged forward... when one of them got hit by a cow. They looked in surprise, then yelled, "RUN AWAY!"
and they did just that.
Princess Haruhi was having similar amounts of trouble.
She was walking in the woods with Kyon, Yuki, and Mikuru following close behind. Mikuru was shivering, despite the warm air. Yuki then asked, "What troubles you?"
Mikuru responded by saying, "This place was in one of my many nightmares. The air was thick, the winds howled, and instead of a bird chirping or a dragon roaring, all I could hear was... that awful sound."
It wasn't long before they realized they were no longer alone. Mikuru continued.
"That sound remains in my mind for all eternity."
Yuki then asked, "What does the sound sound like?"
"Like several people saying-"
"NI!!!"
"Ahhhh!!!!!!" Mikuru fell backwards screaming.
"NI!"
"Who the heck are you??" Haruhi asked.
"We are the Knights who say… NI!!!!"
"The ones from my dream!" Mikuru said.
"The same. We live within this forest, as the keepers of the sacred words: 'ni', 'peng' and 'nee-wom'!""
Haruhi then asked, "What do you want?"
"We desire an object of unsurpassed beauty."
"Take Mikuru-Chan!"
Mikuru yelled, "HEY!"
"We don't want her. We want... A SHRUBBERY!"
"A Shrubbery? What good are those for?"
"NI!!"
"Ok, ok, we will bring you a shrubbery!!"
"Make sure it looks nice, and isn't too expensive!!"
"Ok, ok, we will make sure!"
"NOW GO!!!"
Our heroes rode along until they reached a small town. They saw an old woman.
"HEY!" Kotana screamed. "I'm not old!!! I'm young and beautiful and I could be a model…"
SHUT UP!!! You have to be an old hoagie!!
"Can't I be young???"
Do you want to die?
"Can I at least have better clothes?? These are full of insects…"
Just get on with the scene!!!
"Old woman!!" Haruhi yelled out to her.
Kotana looked up from her clothes. "What??"
"Do you know where we could find a shrubbery?"
Blackarachnia then defensively held up a battered Mimi and started swinging her at them. She wasn't very good at aiming and she rammed him into some walls and sharp objects.
"Who send you???" Kotana demanded.
"Some idiots calling themselves, 'The Knights who say 'Ni''" Haruhi replied.
"AGGGH!!! NO!! Never!! There are no shrubberies here!!" Kotana screamed out.
Haruhi said, "Old woman, if you do not tell us where we can find shrubberies, my *cough, cough* 'friends' and I will have to say…….NI!!"
"Aggghh!!!! NO!! NO SHRUBBERIES!!!"
"Ok, if you refuse to assist us voluntarily, then….NI!!"
"DO YOUR WORST!!!"
"NI! NI"
"NU!!" Taniguchi yelled. Everyone shot him a look and he slithered off.
"NII! Nii!!" Haruhi said.
"ARRGGGGGGGGH!!! No shrubberies!! NEVER!!" Kotana cried out.
"N!".
"NI!!"
"NIII!"
"NIIIIIII"
Kotana was on the ground, moaning inhuman sounds and gasping, when another voice cut in.
"What are you doing?? Are you saying 'ni' to that old hag?" Kunikida asked.
"Uhhh…yep." Haruhi answered.
"Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history." Kunikida said in a monotone voice
"Did you say something about a shrubbery??"
"Yes I did. I am a shrubber. Kunikida the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies."
"NI!!!!" Mikuru cried out excitedly.
"No, NO!! Do not utter the words 'ni' at the shrubber!!! AGGGGHHH!!" Haruhi cried out.
Later...
Our heroes went and got their shrubbery and then brought it back to the Knights of Ni.
"Here is your shrubbery." Haruhi said. "Now let us go!"
"Yes, it is a very nice shrubbery, but there is a small problem! We are no longer the Knights who say Ni. We are now the Knights who say … YAH PARTNER!"
"So," The head knight continued, "We must give y'all a test!"
"Knights who say…uh…Yah Partner, what is this test??"
"You must find us…ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!!"
"Not another shrubbery, no!"
"Yes another shrubbery! And you must put it slightly higher than this one, so we get the two level effect. And also, there should be a path down the middle!!"
"A path!! A path!! A path!!" The Knights who so recently said Ni screamed out.
"And after you do that, you have to cut down the largest tree in the forest…WITH A FLOUNDER!!!!"
Everyone gasped... until Doomageddon showed up. He grabbed the Founder and ate it. Everyone watched him walk away.
"... that wasn't the flounder." The head knight said.
Yuki responded with, "It cannot be done."
Suddenly, All the Knights who used to say 'Ni' turned into piles of ash.
Kyon then said, "Hey, Knights! I'd ASH you to dinner, but it looks like you're dead!"
Haruhi then said, "Kyon, not a good time for jokes."
Then the knights who say Ni appear again. The head knight then said, "DUDE! Don't say that word!"
"What word? What is it you speak of?"
They started making choking sounds.
"Hey look!! It's Sir Tsuruya-san!!" Mikuru yelled.
The Knights of Ni started to go crazy and they cried out and groaned after Mikuru said this.
"She is packing it in and packing it up, and sneaking away and buggering up, and chickening out. Yes, bravely she is throwing in the sponge," the minstrel Churuya sang.
"Sir Tsuruya!!" Haruhi called out to her. "What the slag are you doing here??"
"I don't know!! I was just walking through the forest…and here you are!! It's good to see you."
"AHHHH!! She's saying the word!!" The Knights of Ni cried out.
"You're not giving up your quest for the Holy Grail are you?" Haruhi asked Tsuruya.
"She's sneaking away and buggering up-" Churuya the minstrel sang.
"SHUT UP YOU STUPID CHIBI!!! Umm, no of course I have not given up. Far from it."
"AHHH!! SHE HAS SAID THE WORD AGAIN!!!" The Knights of Ni cried out.
"What is this word you speak of?" Yuki asked.
"We cannot say this word!! The Knights of Ni cannot hear this word!!!"
"Umm…o…k. Anyways. I have been looking for it." Sir Tsuruya said.
"AHHHHH AHHHHH!!!!" The Knights of Ni screamed.
"I've been looking for it here in this forest." Sir Tsuruya continued.
"AHHH!!! "
"No, Sir Tsuruya, it-"
"AAUUUUGGGGGGG!!!"
"-Is far from this place" Haruhi finished.
"STOP!! Stop saying the word!!!!" The Head Knight yelled out.
"Oh stop it!! Shut up!!"
"We cannot hear!! Stop saying the word! You said it again!!"
"Umm... lets go."
"Wait!!" the head knight called out. "I said it!! I said it!!"
The entire group rode off.
"AHH I said it again!! And there again!! That's three times!!!!"
As the Knights of the Square Table rode off, they could hear the Knights of Ni dying in the background
As Princess Haruhi, Sir Tsuruya, and their men walked to find the rest of their crew. On they way, they met up with Sir Ryoko, Sir GIR, and Sir Itsuki. There was much rejoicing
Everyone aims their weapons at each other.
I said…REJOICING! You idiots!
"Yay…" they said in a monotone voice, waving little hand flags.
That'll do.
Okay, as they made their journey, it became winter. Due to the shortage of food, they were forced to eat Sir Tsuruya's minstrels. There was much rejoicing.
"Yay…" they all said in monotone.
"YEAH! ALL RIGHT!" Sir Tsuruya cheered, dancing around until Yuki hit her on the head with his shield.
Ryoko told them of the enchanter she was informed of, GIR spoke of his paradise, and Sir Itsuki spoke of his heroic rescue.
As they continued on their search, winter turned to summer. Summer turned to spring. Spring became winter. And we skipped spring and summer and went straight into fall.
"That makes no sense," Sir Ryoko said.
Shut up!
Eventually, they met the Enchanter. or rather, the Enchanters.
Both of them resembled Zim, but towered over him and our heroes.
Haruhi then walked for them and said, "Hello?"
Both of them spoke simultaneously, like aspects of the same person.
"Yes?"
"I-"
"We know who you are, Princess Haruhi Suzumiya."
"How do you know?"
"We are aspects of the same being. Our name... is Tallest."
"Yes. Well, our quest is to find the Holy Grail!"
"Why state the obvious?!" Kyon said.
"And, umm, we are looking for it." Haruhi said.
The Twin Tallest just looked at her thoughtfully.
"So…anything that you could do to help us…would be…helpful."
"... very well. We can take you... to the Cave of Carameldansin. But this cave is guarded by the most vicious creature!! No man or beast has ever set foot inside this cave! Death is waiting for you with big sharp, pointy teeth!! So if you are brave enough, We will take you to the cave."
They went to the Cave of Carameldansin... unaware of Zim following them with his zombie hoard.
Eventually, they got there.
"Whoo. That took longer then an Inuyasha story arc." Mikuru commented.
Everyone looked at her and wondered, What the Fail is she talking about?
Both enchanters then spoke simultaneously. "This is the cave of Caramldansin."
Everyone looks nervous, wondering where the beast is hiding. Meanwhile, Zim's forces, about within earshot, were... less nervous. Zim turned to the zombie Megatron and said, "You. Keep me covered."
Megatron then asked, "With what?"
"... Just keep me covered."
Haruhi then said, "If I bolt for the entrance, the Beast wouldn't see me coming."
But both enchanters yelled, "TOO LATE!"
Haruhi hides, hoping the beast wouldn't see her. When she peaked out... she saw the cutest little bunny-rabbit ever. The white fur accented the Blue eyes.
Everyone looked at it in pure awe, except the Enchanters, who were busy writing their wills.
Tsuruya was the first to speak. "KAWAII! MEGA KAWAII!" were the first words. The second were, "So... where's the beast?"
Both enchanters pointed at the rabbit.
Kyon then said, "It's behind the rabbit, right?"
"It IS the rabbit."
Kyon then yelled, "YOU MORONS! You got us all worked up over a rabbit!"
"B-but, this is no ordinary rabbit! This is one bad rodent!"
"You jerk! I wet myself because I was so scared!" Mikuru yelled.
Everyone looked at her, then scooted a little away.
Zim, meanwhile, having overheard the little conversation, felt at ease. Then he turned to one zombie, a giant wasp-man, and said, "Vez, chomp his head off."
Vez went to the rabbit. Everyone on Haruhi's side of the place looked in horror to see a Zombie kill a rabbit...
... But, it was the other way around.
Zim yelled, "HOLY COW!"
Haruhi looked wide-eyed at this new development. The Enchanters were ranting about warning them.
Then, gathering up his courage, Zim stood up and raised his sword in the air. "CHARGE!"
The Zombies ran out at the rabbit.
The chaos erupted. In the end, half of the Zombies were dead, and Haruhi's group remained. The enchanters laughed at them and walked... er, FLOATED away.
Haruhi then pulled out a hand grenade.
Kyon asked, "Where did you find THAT?"
Haruhi looked at him and said, "Shuddup."
She then pulled the pin, then said, "I'm going to fling it in One... Two... Five!"
"Three, Suzumiya-san."
"THREE!"
Pretty music plays as he throws the Grenade at the Death Rabbit, who was so bored, he began playing Solitare. He looked up just in time to see it coming.
"OH NO."
BOINK!
Kyon then broke the fourth wall by saying, "Boink? No Kaboom?"
BE QUIET
Since the killer rabbit had been blown into a million pieces, the cave was now safe to enter. So they did. Sir Invisible Guy accompanied them. They walked inside the dark cave and looked on the walls.
"Hey! Look at this!!" Sir Ryoko yelled out to everyone.
"What is it??" Princess Haruhi asked as he looked at the writings Sir Ryoko found on the wall.
"Oh, I don't know."
"SIR INVISIBLE GUY!! Come over here and read this!!"
A voice came out of nowhere. It said, "Can I be visible first?"
Invisible Guy suddenly appeared. He resembled a cross between Kyon and Haruhi. both of them shrugged.
Invisible Guy read the words: "Here may be found the last words of King Optimus Prime. There is something beyond us all. The Grail opens portals to other worlds. It may be found at the Castle of Arrrrrrrggggghhhh."
"What?"
"The Castle of Arrrrrrrggggghhhh."
"Um, what is that??"
"I think he must have died while writing it! I can still feel his fear!!!!"
"Oh come on!! If he was dying, he would have just said 'Arrrrrrrggggghhhh', not carved it!!"
"Well, perhaps he meant the Castle Camaaaaaaaaaggue." Sir Tsuruya said.
"Hey, isn't there a Saint Auuuuves?" Sir Ryoko asked.
"That would be Saint Ives." Kyon said.
Zim walked past them with three zombies.
"Maybe it was dictated." Mikuru theorized.
Haruhi said, "Maybe."
Suddenly, Zim ran past them again... in the opposite direction.
Mikuru asked, "What happened now?"
They looked the direction Zim ran, then the opposite direction. and what they saw in that direction... was so terrifying, so frightening, that it haunts them to this very day.
It was the height of at least THREE Tallest aspects combined. Its eyes, along with the lines that covered the creature's body, were blood red. Along with the true eyes, it was covered in several eye-shaped designs. Three rows of Razor Sharp teeth were within its massive maw. On its back were ten wings of terrifying size.
"It's the Lengendary Black Dragon of - ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!" were the last words of Invisible Guy before he was eaten alive.
Everyone else did the most sensible thing they could think of: "RUN AWAY!"
And the Dragon gave chase. It was like something out of The Melancholy of Haruhi-Chan Suzumiya, with chibi versions of everyone (hand-drawn) being chased by the dragon (CG).
"AHHH!! Suzumiya-san! It's gaining!" Mikuru yelled.
Yuki was showing an unadulterated fear.
Then Kyon realized something: "This is the same dang clip being repeated over and over again!"
"Keep running!" was Zim's reaction
Then they ran a corner, then hid in a small cave until the dragon was surely past.
They thought they had lost the dragon. But no. It came running out from its hiding place and chased them some more.
Finally, they were run into a corner. As the beast lunged, Kyon yelled, "Haruhi! I love you!"
"Mikuru! I love you!" Haruhi yelled.
"What?!"
just then, the computer containing the Dragon's file crashed. The Computerized Peril was no more. The quest for the Holy Grail could continue.
And Princess Haruhi was in for a lot of explaining.
"You liked Mikuru?!" Kyon yelled.
"... okay, so I have dual tastes." Haruhi said, "Sue me."
"... No matter." Yuki said.
"To the Bridge of Death!" Ryoko yelled, then charged off. Three seconds later... "I have no idea where I'm going."
"There it is!" Sir Tsuruya said. "The Bridge of Death!"
"And the old SIR from scene 24," Sir Ryoko said. "What's he doing here?"
"Well," Haruhi said as they walked along the trail. "He asks each traveler five questions-"
"Three questions," Kyon corrected.
"-Three questions. If he answers the five-"
"Three."
"-Three questions correctly, he may cross."
"And, if they are wrong?" Sir GIR asked.
"Then they are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Torture, where the Teletubbies live."
They all shuddered at the thought.
"Who goes first?" Sir Itsuki asked.
"Brave Sir Tsuruya, you go first!" Haruhi ordered.
"WHAT?! Um, I've got a better idea! How about Sir GIR goes?!" Sir Tsuruya suggested.
"Fine, he goes."
GIR walked blissfully to the bridge... when...
"Stop!" the old SIR said, putting his hand up, and Sir GIR stopped in front of him. "Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see."
"YAY! QUESTIONARE!"
"What…is your name?"
"GIR!"
"What…is your quest?"
"To seek the Holy Grail, AKA the Coolest Cup Eva!"
"What…is your favorite color?"
"Blue. Cyan, to be precise."
"Right. Off you go."
Sir GIR nodded, and began crossing the bridge. The other knights looked on.
"That's easy!" Mikuru yelled.
Then, Zim's Zombies go to the bridge. The knights look on.
The first Zombie... was Megatron.
"Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see."
"Just ask the questions and I'll grant you a merciful death!" Megatron exclaimed.
"What…is your name?"
"I am Megatron."
"What…is your quest?"
"I serve Zim in his quest to stop Haruhi Suzumiya from retrieving the Holy Grail. In return, I will be granted amnesty."
"What…is the capital of Assyria?"
"…I DON'T KNOW THAT!"
With that, Megatron was then hurled into the Gorge of Eternal Torture by a giant hand. The remaining Zombies ran away, except for eGIR and Zim. eGIR approached.
"Stop! What…is your name?"
" Names are a human convention. My name... is eGIR. Desendent of the GIR unit, and named after Igor."
"What…is your quest?"
"I seek the Holy Grail."
"What... is your favorite color?"
"Do I have to be honest?"
"Yes."
"... pink. I dream of female SIR units in that color."
"... Now, for length's sake, I'll ask you one more question in addition to the normal three."
"Okay."
"What... is your most private possessions?"
"... I don't have one."
the giant hand grabbed him. eGIR turned to Zim. "If you find a copy of 'Girl-bots gone Nutz' under my sleeping platform, I'm holding it for Frenzy."
It then threw him into the gorge.
Haruhi then descended.
"Stop! What…is your name?"
"I'm Haruhi Suzumiya, Future Queen of Arma."
"What…is your quest?"
"I seek the Holy Grail."
"What…is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
"Depends. Is it African or European?"
The old SIR unit paused. "I dunno…"
The old SIR unit was then thrown into the Gorge of Eternal Torture, and he screamed "HARUHI! I HATE YOOOOOUUUUU!!!"
Sir Tsuruya turned to Haruhi. "Gee, how DO you know so much about swallows?" She asked.
"When you're going to be a queen, you must know these things," Haruhi answered.
Mikuru was still wondering what the heck Haruhi said back in the Cave of Carameldansin, having forgot it earlier.
INTERMISSION!
Tsuruya and Mikuru is doing the "Danjo" dance.
Tsuruya and Mikuru: Dan, jo, dan, dan, jo, dan, jo! Dan, jo, dan, dan, jo, dan, jo! Dan, jo, dan, dan, jo, jo, dan, jo, dan, jo, Jo, dan, jo,dan, jo, dan, dan, jo!
Suddenly, Megatron shows up.
Megatron: RAWR!
Tsuruya: RUN!
END INTERMISSION
"What was the point of that?" Kyon asked.
SFX: Cricket
"OH C'MON!"
They make it across the bridge. Zim waits until they are away, then follows. Megatron is waiting for him.
"I thought you were dead again."
"Technically, I was never dead. Plus, I'm a Decepticon. We can fly."
"Oh."
So the Knights continued their quest. As they came to the top of a hill, they saw a dark silhouette looming in the distance.
Tsuruya yelled, "BOATS!"
They head for the boat, just as the SAME Sir Unit that got tossed into the Gourge showed up and yelled, "STOP! Who would approach the Sea of Fate must answer me these questions twenty-eight!"
Everyone threw the Sir Unit into the Sea of Fate, then got on the plain old boat and shove off.
Zim and Megatron notice the other boat, which resembles Transmetal 2 Megatron.
"Hey, I look sexy!!!" Megatron said.
"…no comment…" Zim muttered.
"You are just jealous!! And you don't appreciate my good looks!!"
so they get in the boat and shove off as well. only... they don't go far.
"I say we lighten our burden." Megatron said.
"Oh, you want to lighten the load."
"Yes."
Grabbing Megatron, Zim said, "Excellent idea!"
Then, he throws Megatron off the boat, and continues on..
Our heroes sailed across a channel and towards an island. There was a castle on the island.
"Look!! It's the Castle of Arrrrrrrggggghhhh!!" Sir Tsuruya said.
"Come on!! Let's get inside there so we can get the grail!! It's supposed to be in there!" Princess said.
Haruhi's group got out of the boat and started towards the castle doors when…
"HARUHI!"
Haruhi turned... to Zim. and Zim was angry.
"I have been taunted, attacked by both a rabbit and a dragon, and saw my closest ally being thrown into a gourge!"
Zim ranted about what had recently happened, when Kyon heard something. Zim then noticed something that wasn't good... before getting hit by a piece of meat.
"You have been outwitted yet again!" Yelled a very familiar French guy.
Zim started yelling curse words at the French before being bombarded by animals.
Then he yelled, "I'm not going to run away!" before yelling, "Iteru Hyoru Gurima!"
Then... a massive group of zombies rose from the ground.
Zim looked at the French and said, "Any last requests?"
The French began insulting them by yelling stuff like, "You will not enter you gleeking fly-bitten harpies!! You pribbling fat-kidneyed canker-blossoms!! You lumpish knotty-pated scuts!! You mewling flap mouthed bugbears!! You frothy fly-bitten clotpoles!"
"CHARGE!" yelled Zim, and the Zombie Army began to advance...
Suddenly, there were sirens and two police cars drove up and cut off the charging army. Everyone stopped , dumbfounded. Then a voice yelled out. "That's him, Officer! That's the jerk that abandoned me!" and eGIR got out of the mostly white car.
Zim said, "What the heck?"
An officer then said, "Warlock Zim, you are under arrest."
"NO! I refuse to be arrested! You'll never take me alive, Coppa!" Zim yelled. the Mostly-Black police car transformed into a giant robot, Barricade.
"... RUN AWAY!" Zim yelled, just as we was captured.
Haruhi asked, "When are you going to be free?"
Zim responded, "Not for a while."
Haruhi then left the establishment. Zim was not every happy.
Then, a voice then said, "Cheer up, Zim. Y'know what they say: Some things in life are bad. They can make you happy. They can make you sad. Other things can make you swear and curse. When you're chewing life's gristle, don't grumble, give a whistle! and this'll help things turn out for the best. And...
(Cue music)
Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the light side of life.
[whistle]
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That's the thing.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistle]
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.
So,...
Always look on the bright side of death,
[whistle]
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
[whistle]
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life!
[whistle]
Tsuruya, Ryoko, and GIR continued to be the Knights of the Spiral Table.
Mikuru, Yuki, and Kyon also became knights.
Haruhi got the Holy Grail and became Queen of Arma.
Everyone lived happily ever after.
The End... or is it?