Disclaimers: I would like to have a really witty and memorable disclaimer but sadly I am neither witty nor memorable, therefore my extremely normal disclaimers. I do not own Fushigi Yuugi.
I'm telling you now so you know. Do not read this if you hate rubbish and especially rubbish in words or literary rubbish like mine. Same thing really. I just wanted to give options.Chapter four: As bad as it gets.
In case you haven't figured out, the OOC phase had begun long ago.
'Come here Tasuki baby! Come to Miaka mama! ' Miaka cooed.
'Miaka mama?' squeaked Tasuki pathetically before sucking his thumb and curling up into a ball next to Chiriko. 'Mama. Mama'
'Awwww. WHO'S A GOOD BOY! Who's a good boy? Tasuki is!' Miaka giggled as she watched Tasuki drown in quite a lot of mental trauma. Tasuki then started foaming at the mouth.
'He's foaming at the mouth.' Breathed Hotohori, thoroughly unhappy. 'And staining the carpet.'
He proceeded to pop the bubbles that Tasuki was making at incredible speed. By then, nobody knew whether Tasuki was unconscious or not as the bubbles were quickly taking over his face.
Chiriko and Tasuki were as unconscious as the other and it was pretty all right. However, Miaka being the cunning evil little girl that she had now become, had blatantly refused to do Tasuki's face in while he was unconscious. She was, simply put, being a nasty bitch.
'If I do that, he won't really feel the pain now, would he?'
For a bitchy girl, She waited for Tasuki pretty patiently. Not too long and as luck would have it, Tasuki and Chiriko woke up at the same time, screaming.
'NA KA GO!'
'Nani noda?'
'NA-KA-GO'S COMIIING!' Chiriko screamed waving his arms around frantically.
Chichiri suddenly stood up and in his eyes, everybody there at that very moment, saw the determination and ecstasy. Nothing short of God would have stopped him. He knew the time had come and that it was all up to him. Everything was at stake. He brushed away the manly tears which had sprung up in his eyes due to recent events dating back about five seconds and partially because the narration was extremely clichéd.
'Oh my flaming Buddha noda…' Chichiri's voice faded with dramatic effect as the light dimmed before coming back on along with a string of curses not to be mentioned.
'I ate a sandwich.' Chichiri said, balling his fists and looking at them in a very cool and angst filled anime pose. Everybody gasped and turned a united ghostly white. Nobody breathed for a long time and everybody almost died.
'And he wanted it.' Came the line which all with mortal ears feared to hear.
Then as suddenly as Chichiri had started the heightening tension, Hotohori spoke up.
'What makes you so sure that he wants your sandwich, not mine?' Hotohori whispered loudly enough for all to hear.
Everybody gasped again but did not die.
Miaka stared. It was just like the soap operas she had watched at home. Like 'Lovers unite' episode 437 when Takano was mistaken for a transvestite. Miaka sniffed, Takano had died the very next episode as an anti-gay campaign billboard had dropped on him and broken his leg. He couldn't take the pain and fell into a pond and drowned. The fishes ate his remains and his family never remembered him after that. The thought of it always made her feel philosophical or maybe she just needed Tamahome.
Chichiri laughed wisely but also very seriously and said that Hotohori must have been terribly mistaken and he cleverly mentioned that he saw no Sandwich in Hotohori's possession.
Then, It was Hotohori's turn to laugh in that very similar manner.
'Don't I?' Hotohori adopted a mysterious tone only used when one was terribly unsure.
'You don't.' said Nuriko bluntly.
'Don't I?' said Hotohori in a tone which showed how unsure he was.
'Oh don't I?' repeated he in a strangely high-pitched voice. He looked around furiously and stopped grandly at his dresser. On his face, a look of pure relief was written all over as he held the sandwich up for all to see.
'Here it is.' Tension mounted and nearly killed everyone again.
'Shut it the both of you.' Miaka snapped and to Chiriko and Tasuki she blustered 'Why should I believe you anyway? You weirdos!'
'Taiitskun told us in our heads while we passed out …'Chiriko squeaked.
Tasuki whimpered.
'Lousy old hag.' Miaka seethed. 'She could've stopped him for us couldn't she?'
'Told you didn't I! I told you! I knew it had to be something! And now he has come for the sandwich inside of me.' Chichiri said in a manner in which similarities could be drawn with an expectant mother.
'It was originally mine…mind you.' Miaka snapped.
She was feeling rather nasty, Miaka was.
'Sandwich…my sandwich…Nakago...sandwich…MIIINE…eat sandwich…no…sandwich…' Chichiri fainted, dropping all pretences and putting to waste all the drama and tension that had been building up.
Then they waited.
They sang songs.
They waited.
They clipped toenails.
They waited.
They threw toenails away.
They waited.
They baked cake.
They waited.
They ate cake.
'Chiriko honey,' Nuriko said slowly and carefully like he was speaking to a rather stupid child, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
As soon as Nuriko had finished asking his question, Nakago burst out of the closet wearing a corset, looking sexy, feeling sexy and being the sex.
'Speak of the devil.'
Nakago strutted to the other side of the room as if trying to tell with his bottom – my arse is fancier than yours. Hotohori and Nuriko understood all too well and sputtered indignantly.
'NO WAY. MINE IS' Said Nuriko and Hotohori in harmony. The both of them then looked at each other in sheer horror.
Then Miaka tripped Nakago.
'AHHHHHHHH.'
Nakago fell down.
Nuriko and Hotohori clapped. Nobody with a sexy bum would fall and land in such an embarrassing manner.
'Go away,' Miaka said getting down on her knees clutching her heart like she was having a heart attack.
'…What...WHAT have we done to make you do this to us?' Miaka then proceeded to sob uncontrollably.
'We were only trying to pick a…a ZIT!'
'But ...I …I didn't…what did I do…I…really... honestly I…' Nakago fumbled from his ungainly pose on the floor.
'Told you…he planted it…' Chichiri mumbled.
'He did not.' Hotohori retorted.
'Did too!'
'Did not!'
'Did too!'
'Did not!'
Nakago then stuck his fancy bum bum into Hotohori's and Chiriko's faces.
'WHAT!' Hotohori shrieked shielding his eyes from the sight.
'It Is true you know. I didn't plant that.' said Nakago matter-of-factly.
'Why won't you just go away?' asked Nuriko, extremely exasperated.
Nuriko kicked butt. Nuriko kicked bums and Nuriko kicked Nakago's fancy arse.
'All I wanted was some salt!'
Nakago then became one of those flashy shiny stars which Team Rocket become in every Pokemon episode.
Miaka giggled.
'NOWTASUKIWE'REBACKTOYOU!HEHEHEHEH!'
She took the bandages and had his arms and legs tied up.
'Now look at these pretty looking goldfishes…'
'No!'
'Look.'
'NOO! WHY SHOULD I!'
'BECAUSE!' She hit him on the head and placed the tank in front of him smartly.
He stared at the goldfishes, which had suddenly started to dart around the tank.
'Miaka…your fishes alright?' He turned his scary face towards Miaka as it was only polite to look at a person when talking to her.
'Shut up, uggly.' Drawled one of the fishes
'OH MY GOD!' Squealed Tasuki like a cheerleader. ' Your fish like spoke to me!'
'Don't be stupid.'
'Yeah, I think he looks stupid.'
'If he looks stupid, he is very likely, stupid'
'OPPS.' Said Tasuki slowly and deliberately as he kicked the tank with all his might.
It broke.
'Help! help us!' the goldfishes squeaked.
'Do you guys hear something?' Said Miaka feeling vague.
'No..no…nothing…do you hear something Heika?'
'Me?…no.'
'LUNCH!'
The birds flew in and ate them and drank Carlsberg, probably the best beer in the world.
'Helllp-
When Miaka finally found what she was looking for, she had lost three lives.
'Where are the goldfishes?' she asked thoroughly stunned.
'Goldfishes?'
'The goldfishes!'
'I like.' Said one of the birds.
'My goldia, goldlaine and goldferina!' Miaka shrieked and whacked Tasuki until she was satisfied.
'Now now, your zit needs more picked.'
Everybody crowded round and watched intently.
Miaka squeezed it.
'AAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH!'
'Holy shit! Keep it down won't you?'
She picked at it and squeezed it and played with it and watched all the mucky stuff flow out like sick.
'We're done now, all we have to do is wash it. Oh how I'll miss it.' Said Miaka fondly as she stroked the remains of the zit like a newly born baby.
Everybody backed out of the room and remained really scarce for the rest of the day. She took her Neutrogena, Biore and whatever facial washes there ever existed and washed his scary face.
Multiple ending fic. Choose one – A, B, C, D or E.
Ending: A
'AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhHHHH! TAMAHOME!'
'What is it my dah-ling foochie poochie miaka baby!' Sang Tamahome In E flat.
Tamahome pranced into Miaka's room.
'At last count, there were eighty four.' Said Miaka 'Do you think there'll be more?'
'I shouldn't hope so.' Said Tamahome as he fled to find another girl.
Ending: B
'Good morning Tama.'
'MEOW.'
Tama screeched and jumped out of the window committing cat suicide.
Mitsukake looked into the mirror and committed man suicide.
Ending: C
Hotohori's room: 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHHHHHHH!'
Chichiri's room: 'NNNNNOOOOOOOOOODDDAAAAAAAAAAAA!'
Tamahome's room: 'TTTTTTTTTEEEEMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEE!'
Chiriko's room: 'AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'
Mitsukake's room: 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!'
Pretty much sums up everything.
Ending: D
'TEME! Its STILL THERE!'
'Aww.'
Everybody felt sympathetic towards poor bandit scary face but didn't really give a damn much later. Not that they really gave a damn in the first place.
Ending: E
Nuriko, Chichiri, Hotohori, Tamahome, Chiriko, Mitsukake and Tasuki awaken.They do not have zits and their faces feel smooth to the touch, like a baby's bottom.
Hurray.
Except for Nakago as his face was neither zitless nor baby bottom smooth.
Nakago knew then that he was to lead a sad life.
End.
Right crap that is. Thank you for reading. I love you all.