YO!
Okay, this is something me and my friend, ninja_alchemist47 came up with at, like, 1:30 in the morning and we must have been high or something and you'll see why.
It's basically a bunch of moments of Luxord teaching a class.
If the -- thing between them is bold than it's a different day, okay?
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The kids waited bored for their new SexEd teacher. Fun. Apparently the teacher was completely fine talking to kids about that kind of stuff so he was probably some kind of weirdo. I mean, who enjoys teaching SexEd? Seriously.
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Luxord sat in the bar. For some reason he thought he had something to do today but he couldn't remember what it was. He's been in the bar all night. Chugging down some vodka someone moved to stand behind him. Drunk, he looked over his shoulder and saw someone with long blond hair. "Vexen? Is that you?" he asked, words slurred. Vexen looked at him and asked, "You completely forgot, didn't you?"
"Forgot what?" When Vexen told him Luxord quickly grabbed a big bottle of liquor and went off with him.
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Now standing outside the door, liquor in hand, Luxord kicked the door opened and walked inside, too drunk to care about the looks he was getting. He walked up to the front and faced the kids. Speaking with slurred words and erratic hand gestures he said, "Hey…my name is Luxord. And I'm your new teacher. I'm here 'cause this is the only place that'd hire me so now I have money for liquor and blackjack." He was so drunk his body was nearly swaying as if he was barely awake. "Now today, I'm gonna teach ya how to make long island ice tea…from scratch." Every student was staring at him like he was insane. What did that have anything to do with the class? One student called out, "But this is SexEd."
"Eh?" Luxord's eyes were blank for a moment before blinking to get rid of the spots he was seeing. Before continuing he took a big gulp from his liquor bottle. "Alright then I'm gonna teach you about the wonders of life: the three B's." Listing them off on his fingers erratically he said, "Booze, Betting, and Bitches." These kids should know about the three B's. Lexord told Demyx to put them on the posters advertising his class.
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"Umm…what was it Luxord wanted on these?" Demyx asked himself. He was laying on the floor with sheets of paper in front of him. "Let's see…oh yeah! Those three B's things…um, what were they? Well he's always drinking liquor so the first one must be…B-Liquor! Okay!" Demyx smiled, proud of himself. "Okay next was Betting, I remember that from the time he kept telling me to bet my sitar in a card game. Right, well next was…huh. It was…what was it? Oh yeah! Benches!" Demyx tapped his pencil in thought. "Why does Luxord like benches so much? Anyway, now we need a rating for the class…hmm…I know! I'll make it E for everyone! Because everyone should get to take part in whatever class it was Luxord's teaching!"
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"Hey Larxene," Demyx asked, "why does Luxord like benches so much?" The female blond looked over at Demyx. "Why?" she asked. "Well, it's just that he's always talking about benches. He's even mentioned a Larxene bench. So you have a bench named after you? That's so awesome, Larxene!" Poor, clueless Demyx. Larxene's eye twitched as she got up. When asked she responded she had to go kick some ass.
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"Okay, now, this person is called Larxene. She's our new student teacher, yay," Luxord said drunkenly. When Larxene went to try and kick his ass he somehow managed to get her to stay in his classroom. She now sat doing her nails at his desk, feet placed on the table. She coldly said to the class, "Yes, I'm Larxene. No, I am not your fucking student teacher. I am not your friend and no, you cannot screw me."
"As you can plainly see, Larxene is having a bit of a PMS," Luxord stated, leaning against the wall to keep from falling. Larxene promptly showed him the finger and went back to messing with her nails. Luxord practically crawled against the wall, vodka in hand. "Okay, now…uh, right. Now I'm going to teach you about sex."
Larxene cleared her throat.
"I mean rape."
She coughed again.
"I mean sexual harassment." His words were slurred and by no means said matter-of-factly, and when Larxene coughed even louder he said, "I mean sexual – DAMMIT! What the fuck am I supposed to say you damn slut!" Larxene glared at him but decided he wasn't worth the effort when a hand was raised. Luxord raised an eyebrow confused, as if not understanding, but pointing at the hand and said, "Yeah what?"
A frail looking girl with round glasses and red hair pulled back in two pigtails stood up. "Um, Mr. Luxord? Isn't this class about having safe sex and being protected and about not doing drugs?" she asked quietly. Luxord stared at the girl before pointing towards the door. "Out."
"W-what? Why?"
"For speaking without my permission, that's why!"
"But you did give me permission!" she whined.
"Out. Detention…actually, go get me some liquor."
"But I'm not old enough to buy alcohol," she complained. Luxord sighed and tossed his wallet over to her. "Here. Take my ID and go buy some." The girl hesitantly grabbed the wallet, stood up, looked strangely at Luxord, and walked out. A few minutes later she came back in with a bottle filled, obvious to most of the class, with water. Luxord took the bottle from her and took a large swig. Licking his lips he paused for a moment before turning towards the girl. "This is some strange tasting liquor," he stated. The girl freezed before stammering, "It's, um, special liquor."
Luxord blinked and then looked at her, and then looked back at the bottle. "…okay. Next…are there any gay people in this class?" he asked. Everyone looked around until a scrawny boy with short black hair stood up. "Uh, yes sir. I am."
"Detention. Now go get me some more of that special liquor that other bitch brought me," Luxord said. "But why? I didn't do anything," the boy complained. "It's for being stupid and not liking women, that's why." Frowning, the boy walked outside, no clue where to get the special liquor.
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"Today, I'm going to show you how to tell the difference between a boy and a girl. To do this I had a friend of mine come in." Someone with bright pink hair walked inside. "Okay, so this is Marluxia. Don't be fooled. Marluxia is in fact a boy. Note: the adam's apple and lack of boobs. Now what throws many people off is the hair. If you have pink hair than you are either a girl or gay," Luxord explained. Marluxia frowned. "For the last damn time, Luxord, I am not gay."
"It's okay, Marluxia. We're not here to judge."
"But I'm not!"
"Listen, Marluxia, you have pink hair, a large pink scythe, and you have control of flowers. Now don't worry. It's okay to be yourself here. We accept you." Luxord emphasized his point by drinking more alcohol.
"Dammit Luxord. I'm not gay! Besides, girls love the pink and flowers. Unlike you I find rape far too bothersome." Many of the students looked at Luxord a little fearfully. Rape? "Shut up, Marluxia!" The alcohol was starting to get to him. "You know I follow the three B's." Marluxia rolled his eyes. "Those three B's are a waste. They're useless and stupid." Marluxia suddenly found himself outside, the door being slammed in his face.
--
Luxord stood inside the principal's office. Anyone passing by would have heard, "WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M FIRED! IT WAS THAT STUPID SUPER LIQUOR GIRL, WASN'T! DAMMIT! THAT'S A BUNCH OF FUCKING BULL SHIT!"
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Yeeeeeeaaaah. This was kind of weird, huh?
I say again…1:30 in the morning. We're kind of high late at night, heh heh heh.