Chapter One

Eccentric Evil Etymologies

My name is Albus Severus Potter. When one has a name like that, how on Incesty-Morgana's frickin' green earth can my life not go to the dogs?

I'm positive that my parents have never loved me, to Merlin-en me with that name. If I were born a Muggle, my blasted progenitors would have christened me with something decent; but no, I was born a wizard, so they had to Merlin-en me with something as obnoxious as "Albus Bloody Severus". Well, minus the "Bloody". Auntie Hermione would have a fit if she knew I use such a word. I swear, I love her to bits, but I don't know how much she will last with that language-freak tendency of hers.

I suspect that when I was born I resembled a Blast-Ended Skrewt, which is why they cursed me with this wretched, stupid name. I must have been one heck of an ugly baby.

First name: Albus. Do you know just how many things are wrong with that? Flippin' heck – it sounds like a sodding Teletubbie. And the gay one at that. Did my parents name me like that because it was their deepest hearts' desire to have a homosexual son? They have fought all of their lives against wizard prejudices, so maybe they thought they had to fight against Muggle prejudices, too? Should I start carrying a purple handbag? Well, curse them, because I won't! I refuse to allow my parents obscene wishes to dictate my life! I will not swing that way to please them, I very much fancy girls – thank you!

Middle name: Severus. Honestly, my parents are perverts. Disgusting. It sounds like a male-dominatrix thing. I'm not a male-dominatrix, for Merlin's sake! I am not about to carry a whip and tacky leather tights with a hole to keep my privates breezy. I repeat – my parents are sex-craved nitwits. Do you know just how wrong that is?

Plus, I was named after dead people. Corpses. Bloody morbid, to bear the name of rotting bits of flesh. My brother was, too; but at least he got a cool one: "James Sirius". He was named after my dead grandfather and my dad's dead godfather. But nobody laughs when they call him. In fact, he is considered the height of cool: dad's hair, mum's – er – charming looks, Gryffindor Captain, Marauder II extraordinaire and the, er, "sexy hunk" every bleeding girl is after. That is just wrong on so many levels.

I looked up the people I have been named after. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was Headmaster when dad and mum were at school. So what if he and my dad are supposed to be the greatest wizards of all times? So what if the bloke whipped Grindelwald's skinny arse while doing a black-flip? The man was as old as dirt and had a fetish with candy! He was also electrocuted as a child because it says everywhere that he eyes were always twinkling!

The other great man I owe my elegant name to was Severus Sodding Snape. Don't get me started.

Death Eater.

Fancied the knickers off my grandma Lily, even after she went off pushing daisies. Gross.

His hair was so greasy you could skate on it.

He hated my dad and made his life miserable.

Yes, you may ask. Why oh why did my parents name me after that nasty piece of a wizard? Because they hate me! From the moment I came out of my mum's You-Know-What they decided to doom my life! It's blatant child abuse!

I have figured it all out, you see. I may not look like it, but I'm a cunning Slytherin genius, so of course my brilliant mind would be able to fathom how the simple brains of those Gryffindorks work. Ha-bloody-ha, take that you two!

I was born as ghastly as a Blast-Ended Skrewt. Upon seeing me, my dad ("The Vanquisher of Dark Lords") and my mum, ("The Girl Possessed By An Evil Talking Diary") had a fit. They went bonkers, as I reminded them too much of those dark times they went through eons ago. They must have thought I was going to be a Voldemort II. Pfft. As if. If I were to become a mass-murdering sociopath, I would pick a cool name, such as "Mega Thunder Deathbringer from Hell". Voldemort had no class whatsoever.

My mum also likes to embarrass me by telling everyone I know that I when I was a baby, I was literally attached to her chest because I always wanted to be fed. Brilliant, I had also Dementor-like perverted tendencies that concerned my mother's womanly bits.

So anyway, they had to name the evil baby, hadn't they? But since I was going to be an Evil Dark Lord, they went for "Albus". Nobody would be afraid of a wicked psycho called like that. They wanted me to choose between what's right and what's easy. They wanted me to choose old age and candy over conquering the world.

Then they picked "Severus". They wanted me to be a bitter and greasy. They wanted birdies to flee at the sight of me. They also probably wanted me to fancy someone else's dead ancestor. They want me to die at the age of thirty-eight, bitten by a blue-buttocked baboon by the name of Nagini.

So all in all, I was born a Skrewt who Dementor-ed my mother's breasts. I am to become a poof who likes shoving Billywig Bars up my arse while doing a Full Monty with my private-breezy leather tights. I'm fated to lust after the corpse of Voldemort. I'm jinxed to have an oil factory as hair. I will die a silly death, young and bitten by a Flobberworm.

You say your life sucks. Bah. Top that.

-oOoOoOoOo-

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, that's JKR. I'm not JKR. I'm an alien from Saturn. I have blue skin.

A/N: Well, if you believe it, the plot for this story sparked in my mind in the middle of a Surgery Exam. I was in the middle of using my scalpel on a generous person who left his body for Science and Research after he died when this story popped in my brain. Just how odd can I get? I should become best friends with Luna Lovegood. We would rule the world!

Anyway, if you liked it, please do review. I'm incredibly random and goofy in real life, but for some mysterious reason, I seem to be unable to write humorous fics (i.e. "Over the Horizon" etc). So little future doctor me is feeling a bit insecure with this.

Cheers.

Vermouth

Member of the Siriusan Order

PS – I'm known as "Kristen" on HPFF, so if by any chance you come across my fics there, it's still me woot woot