The Second Side of Eldest

Chapter Two: Roran's Tale (or, My Cousin the Busnapper)

Yes, in this chapter we will take a break from the Randomes, and look beyond. Since this is a very* neglected character in this fanfiction, this chapter will also focus on his life story.

Sorry I had to force this once you. This stupid computer keeps on freezing. I think it hates the GPS in the car. (I think this is also EA's fault. They made Will Wright redo Spore to the point that the technology was severely outdated. I mean, 3 gigabytes for a game that takes two minutes to load!!! O_o)

* times 100

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Roran.

Actually, his name was Carlos, but Garrow was racist to Hispanic people, so his name was changed.

In truth, Garrow never really wanted a son. One night he hired a prostitute. That's how Roran (or Carlos) was born. (You see, people were much too stupid to use protection in those days.)

Since the prostitute (her name was James Hunt, because she was a peep in RCT3 and the player wanted to run people over with a buggy) was an idiotic slut, she gave Carlos to Garrow and was found dead the next week. It was said to be a murder, although the true reason was that she had watched AFV and committed suicide because she thought a video that involved two raccoons making out would win, which it obviously didn't. (The winner was some stupid video with a kid trying to eat a leaf.)

So for the next twenty or so years, Garrow took care of his son.

He didn't really hate Carlos. He just was upset that he had to take care of him and become bald and fat.

At the age of four, Carlos was a bright, cute kid. He had blonde hair and blue eyes (such a cliché.) But trouble started on his first day of preschool.

He was nervous. Being at a new school is hard to cope with. Of course eating too much cake the previous night and having diarrhea didn't really help either.

One boy went up to Carlos just before snack time. "so i herd u liek mudkipz?" the boy asked. Carlos stared and replied, "You have got to stop using internet memes to try and get friends." (Preschoolers are significantly smarter than other people. If one had memorized the dictionary somehow, they would probably grow up to be an English teacher.)

"Well, anyways, let's run away!" he said.

"No."

"Fine. Then you'll never know where to find the Holy Grail."

Carlos looked puzzled. "The Holy Grail?"

"It's not important," the boy muttered as he looked at the ground.

"Okay, bye." Carlos went to play with a toy truck.

"Dang it. They always have religious ignorance. Stupid atheists." But little did the two boys know, their encounters with each other had only just begun…

Skipping ahead to a few more years, Carlos's name was now changed to its present form and he was ten. Or was it eleven? O_o

That's when the Nazi's came. They were A FIRIN THAH LAZER!1!!!1!! Eventually they drove Roran and Garrow out of Canada (everyone knows Nazis are from Canada) and into Alagaesia. Or, the place where all the bad plot comes in place.

What about Eragon? Well, they found him on the road outside of Wal-Mart. For strange reasons (actually my laziness to add more plot), he was still part of the family.

And in Alagaesia, Roran met that kid he'd seen at preschool so many years ago. Unfortunately, it was because he had gender change and became Hilary Clinton's daughter, Beyonce. The sight destroyed Roran's brain in a few days.

At the age of 21, he met Katrina. She was the Empress of Gangsters, and he tried to impress her. Sadly, epic fail.

But she gave him one chance. One chance to prove himself (and that he had a life), one chance to win love.

He had to vandalize Wikipedia so that it said that George Bush had extreme hangovers from drinking Coca-Cola.

Roran happily agreed, but there weren't any computers in Carvahall, so he went to New York to buy one. He left the village for the first, and last, time.

And with this beginning in mind, we shall now focus on his various whereabouts.

"Wake up, Billy."

"WAAKE UP, BIILY!!!!"

"BILLY!! GET THE &^%#$ UP!!"

Roran moaned and woke. He rubbed his eyes. "Where am I?"

A girl wearing a blue T-shirt and Scottish kilt instead of a skirt said, "Ur in the land of the qazxswedcvfrtgbnhyujmkiolp!!"

Another girl, dressed in the exact same clothes, said, "SHUT! I WANNA USE THE KAREOKYE!!!!!!!"

"No. Go use the softball court."

"NOOO!!! F G H J K L : '!!!!!!!!!"

A woman in a garbage bag came over to Roran. "Allow me to explain what's going on. I'm 66666."

"Hi, 66666," Roran managed to say.

66666 smiled. "Now. You are in the island of Google Chrome. The only way to escape is to compete in the tournament of spam. Mr. Burns, if you want to compete, I have a sign up sheet right here-"

"Wait, what? Mr. Burns? Like the guy from the Simpsons? This is ridiculous!"

"Sorry, but your contract says that you have to be called that or be molested by a bunch of homosexual chimpanzees. And by homosexual I mean being sexually attracted to the genus Homo, which humans belong to." 66666 stared intently at Roran.

"Okay, fine. But what happens in the tournament?"

"I thought you'd never ask. First, we give you a donut, and you eat it."

Roran frowned. "That's it?"

"No. Then you have to shoot apples of the heads of people named Bob with a BB gun, throw pudding at pro wrestlers, and finally, watch all the videos of the What the Buck Show without passing out."

"Okay, that's weird. But whatever." Roran signed the contract.

"Great!" 66666 picked up her clipboard. "But can you do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Go to the room with all the fake teeth and voodoo dolls and get me a bottle of blue monkey blood. That'll be great."

"Sure…" As 66666 left, Roran thought that this place was too random for his tastes. So he decided to escape.

That night, he climbed out of his bed and put a rope out the window. He secured one end to the foot of his bed, and began to climb down.

"That was easy," he said as he got to the bottom.

"Not so fast!" Roran turned around and gasped to 66666 holding a gun.

"66666?!"

"No. It's me, Angelina Jolie, ruler of the Dea Clan!" With these words her garbage bag exploded, revealing spandex clothing.

"No! Not Trekkies!" Roran ran. After a while he said, "Hey, there's a bus. Maybe I can hijack it." He got into the bus and drove it away.

Eventually he made it to a local Apple store. "Just spam the wiki and get out," he thought. He sat down at one of the laptops and went online. But a headline on a Yahoo page caught his eye: Carvahall attacked by terrorists. People in danger. Worried, Roran clicked on the link.

It read, "A few days ago the village of Carvahall was attacked by terrorists who call themselves the Ra'zac. Witnesses reported seeing them searching for something and asking "Where is Eragon Shadesaver?" It is known that Shadesaver was once a resident of Carvahall, but left as his uncle was killed by government soldiers." Roran felt rage. His father was dead? It was looking for Eragon that led the Ra'zac to do so? If Roran ever saw Eragon again, he would kill him.

Roran felt so angry that he forgot about his mission and drove straight to Carvahall.

Meanwhile, Katrina was watching General Hospital or something like that (I can never tell soaps apart, they all have bad lighting and people yelling at each other). The doorbell rang. "Who is it?" she asked.

"Uh…it's Joe, the Pizza delivery guy," came a voice.

"We don't have pizza here. Go away."

"Fine." Five minutes later, the voice came again. "Open up. It's Joe the Taco delivery guy."

Katrina got up. "Now that's more like it." She opened the door, and screamed at the site of the Ra'zac. "Come here, you stupid girl. You'll do good as bait," one of the Ra'zac cackled.

Katrina was no fool, however, she kicked him in the crotch. Luckily the Ra'zac were a bit too animal-like. The first one fell to the ground dead.

The second one grinned widely. "Humans. Too idiotic to realize that we can clone ourselves by licking our middle fingers." He did just that, and grew some extra fingers. Then an arm. Then another. Some legs! His chest seemed to split. An eye poked out of his shoulder, then two, then it grew a mouth, and became a head. Two bodies were fused together, and came apart with a sickening crack. All this time Katrina felt her stomach. "I think I'm gonna be sick," she gagged as she slammed shut the door.

"What?! You don't appreciate good science?!" the two Ra'zac yelled.

"I don't have cable. The only thing I really watch that I like is Mythbusters on Discovery Channel, so of course I do."

"Grr…"

"Just go away," Katrina slumped back on her couch. The Ra'zac left. Finally Roran arrived. He knocked on her door despite her doorbell. "Katrina! I came back because I heard that—"

"Roran? You're back?" Katrina stuck her head out the door.

"Yeah, I just came to see—" Roran paused, "to see if you were okay."

"I'm okay. But you didn't—"

"I'm going," Roran sighed. "Oh, and what happened to the part where the evil guys kidnap you?"

"You're right," the Ra'zac said. They picked Katrina up and drove off with Roran's bus.

"Aw, shoot," Roran cursed as he watched the vehicle go off into the distance. "At least I have a bicycle a bought from that guy with the blue skin…no wait it has a flat tire. Oh well!"

"All is not lost," some random old guy called. Roran spun around. "It is written here that only Eragon can defeat the Ra'zac. You and your cousin must work together and forget your anger, or the one you love will be in deep peril."

"But I can't find, reach or forgive Eragon. Besides, isn't that 'it is written here' part from the Legend of Zelda cartoon?"

"I've been trying to imitate that flying carpet guy for years. It's my lifelong dream. I can't say 'Squadala!' or 'The birds are singing!' very well, so this is all I can manage."

"Oh. But what about transportation and directions?"

The man smiled. "A boat will arrive in the morning, and you'll receive the latest news about Eragon's whereabouts from this fangirl software. Use all you have wisely! Now go rent a hotel for the night or something. I need to beat Pokemon Platinum."

Roran smiled, and walked towards the lights of an inn. He wondered what would come in the morning.

I know.

I know you might be pissed off that I made a whole chapter for this one cause, but Christopher Paolini made eleven or something like that. Maybe even more.

I'll be putting short exerts of Roran's quest in later chapters, but nothing really big. It's okay, stop crying. Hey, here's some beef jerky. That's better.

Oh, and I noticed that I haven't started out with the same explosion of fans like I did last time (and my first chapter of TTFOE wasn't even funny). Maybe fate gave me a head start there. Only 28 hits now. I seriously thought this fic would have more hits to start. Are any some my old fans still there? (I know at least ONE old fan reading this, but ONLY one.) It think it's my story names. I guess I should have named it The True Face of Eldest. See the poll on my profile!