As a break from my main project 'Biological Nightmare', I came up with this silly little fanfic.

I wrote it in script format, because there's no other way to justify something like this.

Warning : May offend vegetarians, Vince the ShamWow guy, a Spanish singer, Christians and human kind in general.

Please enjoy!

Chap Slop

Random announcer : You're watching Channel Godahel, a channel made by idiots, for idiots. Please note that this a pay television channel only. If you are watching this without having paid for it, you are a dirty leecher and the police are already on their way. Later this evening you can enjoy the re-re-re-re-remake of the classic movie Batman, featuring Brad Spit as Bruce Whine and Reese Withoutherspoon as a random hobo. Afterwards is the 18+ section, bringing you the freakiest porn from all around the world *cough* mostly from Japan *cough*. But first, a public commercial for yet another useless product, just to annoy you. We hope you enjoy your evening, and remember: Channel Godahel, where your brain dies, one cell at a time.

*stupid jingle*

*image goes to a test screen and an annoying loud beeping sound follows. Next, Tomo appears standing in some would-be kitchen*

Tomo : *cheerfully* Hiya, it's Tomo here, and today we have an exciting new product to show you! Are you sick of always having to pay big bucks for repearing kitchen robots that always break because the blades shoot out of it and almost always fly in your eyes? *gasps deeply* Are you tired of using boring kitchenknives that take forever to cut your food into tiny pieced because you are too lazy to chew? If that is the case, then we have the perfect product for you! *reaches down the table and pulls it out from out of nowhere.*

I present to you, the Chap Slop! You're gonna be slopping your troubles away with this amazing new product. The Chap Slop only has room to put a little bit of food under it so you can have hours of fun of pressing the little lever thing on top. This way, you won't feel like eating much and you won't get as fat! Let me give you an example. Here's a potato, you put the Chap Slop over it, press it once...

*potato gets jammed in the blades*

You ehm...you bash it against the table until it comes loose...

*slams it into the table but it won't come out*

You take a knife to pry it out, don't worry, this is perfectly normal!

*takes knife to scrape potato out, but launches into the lense of the camera"

Oh, bollocks...

Yomi : *angrily from behind camera* Dammit Tomo! Stop messing up!

Tomo : Well, ehm... amazing huh? Next we have a hard boiled egg. We put the Chap Slop over in and start pressing the lever like no tomorrow.

*slams into the lever with machine gun speed*

And Tadaaah! The egg has turned into a delicious mush! Isn't it great? Next we add a pickle and a green onion. You slop away and... voila! Now the mush has a nice green color! Oh, and it tastes delicious too.

Now, you know you hate salad, but you love making it! Now you'll love making it even more! Take a carrot, some leek and put it underneath the Chap Slop. Press the lever a few times, bang! Salad! Now, I know what you're thinking, why would I make salad? Well, take this cyanide pill, put it with the salad, chop it up, and there you go. Perfect for that annoying vegetarian that keeps nagging at your head to stop eating meat!

Now watch this. You're gonna love my nuts!

Yomi : Wait what?

Tomo : Huh?

Yomi : Could you please rephrase that? It's sounds so wrong!

Tomo : Really? Ehm...how about, you'll go absolutely crazy for my nuts!

Yomi: No!

Tomo : My nuts are nuttastic!

Yomi : NO! Stop saying 'my nuts'! People will get the wrong idea!

Tomo : Oh...errr... Ah! See these nuts? Just put them in there, place the plastic cover over it, use the Chap Slop on them *chop chop chop chop* and they've been turned into small pieces! You know you like nuts on your icecream, but they charge you for like 100 dollars for toppings in icecream stores. Why would you want to get their nuts when you can put your own nuts on your icecream with help from the Chap Slop!

Yomi : *slams head into camera repeatedly*

Tomo : And not just nuts, how about fruit? Some mango, a strawberry, chop it up, look at that. Isn't that beautiful on your icecream? Most of it is still sticking to the blades though, so just use your fingers to pick them off.

*pulls off pieces with her fingers*

Now, what about all this blood? Don't worry, just use our other amazing product, the WhamSow! It absorbs every drop and doesn't leave a mess. Just wring it out and wrap it around the wounds until the bleeding stops. Why waste your money on patches when you can use the all absorbing WhamSow?

Yomi : You're strolling off! Get back to the subject!

Tomo : Alright alright! Now, the reason why you're gonna slop away every day is because it's so easy to clean. See, you take off the plastic ring, the safety lid comes off on it's own, and now, it pops open like a butterfly! You can clean the blades easily, and if you're an emo kid, you can use it to cut your wrists like this! Now the other ones you see in the stores are even more useless, ehm, I mean, are way harder to clean. Bacteria gets in the food, you can't clean it! You can't open this up, so forget about it! *tosses cheap one over her shoulder and it falls onto a pile of plates, knocking them over and shattering them on the floor.*

Yomi : Jesus Christ Tomo!

Tomo : *whispers* I'm not paying for those. Anyway, you take the Chap Slop, put it back together, and here's the real screamer. Imagine this, you accidentally let a vampire in your house and you want him out. Just take a piece of garlic with the skin still on it, place it under the Chap Slop and *chop chop* here's the garlic, deskinned, and you can put this in the vampire's food or throw it at him. Simple! But don't eat it, it tastes like crap! Okay, the onion with the skin. This is making me cry and I bet you people at home are crying now too. In case you're too much of a lazy ass to peel the skin off, just put the onion in the Chap Slop, push the lever a few times, and the skin, and I hope you're following here people, the skin comes right off! Amazing huh? It may look like the onion is still making me cry here, but I just remembered a sad scene from a movie I saw yesterday. *snif* why did she have to die *snivel*.

Yomi : *grumbles* I'm so quitting this job after this...

Tomo : Now, I could go on and on about this great product, but don't take my word for it. Just listen to what these random people, who are in no way associated with us, have to say about the Chap Slop.

*interrogation time!*

Kagura : Oh yeah, it's great! I love cooking and I don't use anything else anymore but the Chap Slop. It's so easy to use! Where's my money?

Sakaki : I ehhh... I...it's easy, just one hand and...slop! *blushes*

Kaorin : Was that Sakaki-san just now? What? Huh? Oh yeah, Chap Slop rules! *runs after Sakaki while squeeling*

Osaka and Chiyo : All we can say is...Wham SOOOOW!!!

Editor : Oh crap, wrong fragment.

Tomo : So there you have it. But that's not all though. Have no food in the vicinity but still want to use the Chap Slop? Hell, just use it as a musical instrument! *starts tapping the lever in a rythmic fashion* Yeah! Pretty damn catchy huh? Mix it with some guitar and you can start a band! This product has no limits.

But that's still not all! If you call now within the next 2 minutes, we'll give you this small contraption completely free! The Rapy! The Rapy is perfect for raping cheese. Just put a piece of cheese in the container, put the twister in, twist it, and you can really hear the cheese getting raped in there! Why would you want this? Well, because you can say to all your friends 'I have a device for raping cheese at home'. All your friends will love this and wish they had one too. It's perfect for parties! So the Chap Slop, plus the Rapy for a whopping price of only 199,95 dollars! Here's how to order!

Some guy : Call 1-800-485-1456-4846-134-7985-4521-666-HAIL-SATAN. Call now and you get the Rapy completely free with the Chap Slop! That's 1-800-975-6891-9872-589-1486-4896-974-FUCK-YOU. Call now, and after letting you listen to the complete new album of Enrique Iglesias first, our staff will gladly take your order if you haven't killed yourself yet.

*unintelligibly fast voice* Warning : Use of the Chap Slop may result in dismembered fingers and other body parts, uncontrollable shaking, headaches, braindamage, sudden suicidal urges, sexual disorders and teen pregnancy. Don't buy it, it's a piece of crap! Batteries not included.

Yomi : Okay, good job I guess, whatever.

Tomo : Dammit, my frikkin' hand is killing me!