Title: Snogging 101 with Professor Granger

Author: FanFreak (Ravyn89)

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter... I can't really say I own the idea, I'm sure it's been done somewhere... But as I've never encountered it, I am going to slightly claim it as my own original idea.

Summary: Harry's nervous about kissing Cho. After all, he's never kissed a girl before and he can pretty much tell that the first kiss is really important. At least for the girl anyways. So in talking to Hermione about it, she agrees to teach him how to kiss girls since she has experience from kissing Krum. The kicker, she also wants to kiss Harry so that she knows how an inexperienced boy - like Ron - will kiss so she knows whether she ought to suggest our favorite Weasley get a girlfriend before she makes her movie. Thus begins the kissing lessons! Let the insanity ensue.

Author's Note: This idea came from watching OotP when Hermione said "I'm sure Harry's kissing is perfectly satisfactory" and my sister said "How would she know?" At which point I said "because she taught him how to kiss... oooh! Awesome fanfic idea." So this is mostly a comedic romance fic. I had thought it would be a one shot where Harry and Hermione practice kissing and then decide they actually like each other... then it sort of exploded in my head. If you have any ideas for lessons, let me know XD It's rated M just in case I get a little graphic in the description of kissing... I swear, it'll never go further.

Content warning: Sexual innuendos, references to breasts, and subtle hinting to an erection... because boys do that when they want to have sex ^_^

Lesson One: The Romantic or Sexual Hug

"Cho couldn't keep her eyes off you, could she?"

It felt like Harry has just swallowed a clammy fish. He had gone numb and his stomach was twitching. Cho had been looking at him? Harry had gone dizzy in delight and feverish in fear. All this time he had been hoping to go out with her but she liked Cedric. Now Cedric was dead and… Well, Harry didn't much feel like thinking about that.

But he'd never kissed a girl before! Harry had never gone on a date, either. Yule Ball didn't count since he didn't end up dancing with Patil more than once. And they certainly didn't kiss. What was Harry supposed to do? He was sure Cho was more than experienced. She'd probably kissed with Cedric all the time.

The thought made him ill.

"H-Hermione…" choked Harry one day when they were sitting alone in the Common Room. Ron was out practicing for Quidditch, which Harry would have been as well if he hadn't felt a desperate need to talk to the only girl he knew. "How important is the first kiss?"

Hermione's book closed with a snap and she met Harry's gaze. She didn't look all that surprised, nor did she appear mad. Instead Hermione just looked thoughtful, as if contemplating the answer she could give to Harry. More than likely she didn't want to hurt Harry's feelings. The longer she waited, though, the more Harry's stomach wriggled and he knew the first kiss was very important. Especially to the girl.

"Why do you ask, Harry?" Hermione asked, relaxing physically and setting her book aside.

"Well… If Cho seems interested in me," said Harry, feeling uncomfortable. He wiggled in his seat under Hermione's intense gaze. "I don't want to screw this up Hermione! But I've never kissed a girl before. What if I, I don't know, end up kissing her nose? Or we bump heads? Maybe I'll be completely horrible at it! A limp fish, completely dead, with no idea what to do with my lips."

"Or hands," said Hermione, thoughtfully. Noticing how pale Harry had suddenly gone she sat up. "Don't worry, Harry. I'm sure your instincts would pick up. You'd certainly know what to do with your lips! I doubt very much you'd be a… er… limp fish."

Harry groaned and dropped his face in his hands. "I wonder if my mom was the first person my dad ever kissed…"

"Doubtful," said Hermione. "They probably had several girlfriends and boyfriends before they dated each other. That is to say, James had girlfriends and your mother had boyfriends…"

Harry lifted his face and raised his eyebrows. "Thanks Hermione. Very helpful. So insightful…"

"You're serious about Cho, then?" said Hermione.

"Yes!" said Harry, and his voice sounded rather strangled. He'd liked Cho since his third year. He had wanted to go to the Yule Ball with her but she'd already agreed to go with Cedric. Now was his chance and… would one kiss ruin it?

"Here's what we'll do then," said Hermione, clapping her hands together.

"We?" said Harry, blinking.

"You want to be prepared to kiss Cho," Hermione stated. "I have experience from kissing Krum but I eventually want to kiss Ron."

"Say what?" said Harry, staring at Hermione blankly. His two best mates? Shouldn't he have seen this coming?

Hermione plunged on, ignoring his comment. "So we'll practice with each other. I can teach you and I have a better idea of what guys your age are like in the first awkward kiss since I very much doubt Ron will ever have a girlfriend."

"You might be surprised to hear it, Hermione," said Harry, a little flabbergasted but some how amused. "But Ron is my best mate and if girls can't have me… they'll go after him."

Hermione sniffed. "Be that as it may, but Ron is a clumsy teenage boy-"

"Aren't we all?"

"And I suppose I want to know whether it's worth it to be Ron's first kiss," said Hermione haughtily. "If you completely suck at kissing your first try, Harry, I'll know that I need t suggest to Ron to date somebody else for a try. And I'll be able to teach you how to kiss like a pro."

Harry practically choked. "A kissing pro, huh? Krum the master, is he?"

"Krum is a very satisfactory kisser, Harry, if you must know," said Hermione, her cheeks a little pink. "Though I don't think he's quite your taste."

Harry laughed heartily. He'd never quite understood why he was a mess around other girls and yet always so relaxed around Hermione. It was probably because they were friends and nothing more. Didn't have the awkwardness of being attracted to one another. No wonder Ron and Hermione were fighting all the time. They couldn't get a long because they liked each other.

Now that Harry had that figured out…

They were able to set up a time and a place to start the kissing lessons before Ron showed up from his Quidditch practice. At which point the conversation turned to possible places for them to practice Defense Against the Dark Arts without Umbridge finding out.

The next day Harry made his way nervously to an empty classroom and found Hermione was already waiting for him. He paused within the doorway, watching her sit on a desk, kicking her feet in the air above the ground. She was in nothing but a white blouse and her school skirt. Her bushy brown hair was up in a messy bun, brunette strands hanging around her face.

How had Harry never noticed she was beautiful before? Clearing his throat at the thought caused Hermione to notice him and the grin that spread across her face was both fiendish and alluring. Harry wondered if he'd pass the test if he just grabbed her and kissed her.

But then he thought of Cho and his palms went sweaty and he automatically went pale. Oh sure, it was just fine to think of kissing Hermione without getting nervous but think of Cho and he secreted sweat from every pore on his body. Not fair.

"Alright, Mr. Potter," said Hermione in her best imitation of McGonagall. Harry laughed. "Our first lesson with be a hug."

"A hug?" said Harry, perplexed. "No offense, but I'd rather kiss Cho than hug her. Hugs are for friends and…" He paused for a moment, as he felt a pressure on his heart. "And family."

"Not true!" said Hermione briskly, getting to her feet. "There is such a thing as a romantic hug. Or more commonly known as the sexual hug."

"Oh, that's great, Hermione," said Harry, wondering if he should, perhaps, back out now. "We're just going to skip the kiss altogether and go straight to sex?"

"Harry Potter!" cried Hermione, her cheeks going pink. "Get your mind out of the gutter."

"I'm about to practice kissing with my best friend who likes my other best friend who very possibly likes you back," said Harry with a chuckle. "Excuse me if I revert to your average teenage male for a few minutes."

Hermione giggled for a moment before clearing her throat and straightening up, fixing Harry with a serious stare. Well, he'd made her laugh. That was a start at least. She needed to loosen up some if she ever expected to get along well with Ron! Still, Harry would have to pull his act together if he expected to get any real help out of Hermione.

"Alright," said Hermione, standing in front of Harry. "Hug me."

Harry hesitated before putting his arms around her shoulders. Hermione huffed and he backed off, looking sheepish.

"What'd I do wrong? I was trying to be respectful," said Harry.

"That's precisely what you did wrong, Harry!" said Hermione, throwing her hands in the air. "I quite understand I'm not quite as well endowed as Cho Chang, but the purpose of the hug is so that a guy gets an excuse to feel a girl's breasts."

"Breasts?" said Harry, mouth hanging open.

"Oh, don't give me that look, Harry," said Hermione, eyes narrowing. "All guys like breasts and all girls have them once we've reached a certain age. Basic biology."

"Yeah, but, well… uh…"

"Don't you like my breasts, Harry?"

Oh, that wasn't fair. Hermione was just not playing fair! Harry was about ready to grab one of the breasts in question and kiss her just to make her shut up! He was nervous, and sweaty, and his clothes were feeling rather tight in uncomfortable areas. But he didn't know what to say! She was one of his best friends for heavens sake! What if Ron had walked up to him and asked if Harry liked his butt? Harry would have told him never to ask him that again.

Just because Hermione was female did not mean Harry was going to treat her any differently than his other best friend.

But it was probably an act. What if Cho asked him that question? Oh, Harry dreaded that day ever coming… He'd probably babble like an idiot before just pressing his face into her chest and then letting her perform the Avada Kedavra on him. He'd deserve it. Probably the point of this lesson was to make sure Harry didn't behave like a babbling idiot.

"You're breasts are fine, Hermione," said Harry, crossing his arm. "Size doesn't really matter."

He was pretty sure the comment shocked her. Hermione blinked rapidly, her face going rather white. Then she took a deep breath.

"Okay, so hug me like you mean it!" said Hermione. "If you like my breasts as much as you say you do, then prove it."

It went on like that for about an hour. They went over other things than simple arithmetic (guys plus boobs equal like). The entire time Harry was drilled on where to place his hands on a female body, practicing, of course, on Hermione. He had to place his hands so it seemed he appreciated not only her as a person ("Not directly on my breast you idiot!") but her body as well ("Stop being so tentative! At least act like you might grope my butt.") Not to mention there was the seductive hand on the face or in the hair – which could be applied by either male or female – the hand on the shoulder, holding hands, or standing so close you weren't touching but it felt like you were touching.

"Can I just kiss you now?" asked Harry when they had been standing no more than an inch apart for about five minutes, staring intently into each others eyes.

Hermione reached out and shoved him hard in the chest, turning around, and stalking to a corner of the room.

"Oh, come on, Hermione! Don't be like that," said Harry, slapping a hand to his forehead. "What'd I do wrong?"

"Hmph," said Hermione, glaring over her shoulder. "You were being insensitive!"

"Please tell me this is another test," sighed Harry wearily. "I'm too tired for this, Hermione. I apologize, okay? I'm really sorry. I won't kiss you until you're ready."

Hermione's face brightened and she walked back to where she had left Harry. "You are forgiven. Oh, and you passed lesson one. Meet you here tomorrow?"

Harry closed his eyes and stood there for a moment, counting under his breath so he didn't explode. All of that and they hadn't even gotten to the kissing yet? What if he ended up going out with Cho tomorrow? She'd probably expect him to kiss her! What was he supposed to say? "Sorry, can't. My kissing instructor hasn't said I've passed Snogging 101 yet."

"I suppose, Professor Granger," said Harry, rubbing a hand on his forehead. Usually he did this because his scar hurt. Today, his brain just hurt. Girls were so confusing.

"See you then, Harry."

Though. This was the sort of thing the ought to teach. Useful things about how to treat girls and how to kiss. That way the male species didn't make utter fools of themselves. Though the idea of sharing Hermione as a teacher with anybody else was oddly disconcerting.

It was because his best mate liked her, though Harry couldn't prove it yet. Harry didn't think it was appropriate that Hermione kiss anybody other than Ron… and him. But it was for a good cause. Both ways around.

Or maybe he was just justifying the fact that he was an average teenage guy and if he was going to kiss Hermione he didn't want to share. Even if he didn't like her that way and didn't want to go out with her. Until Harry kissed Hermione… nobody else could.

Please review! I'd love to know what you think of the story idea ^_^ I apologize if any of the characters seem a little out of character. I feel it's necessary for a comedy...