Title: Free to be

Pairing(s): Hephaistion/Alexander

Rating: R (?)

Disclaimer: Own nothing and nothing is true. All events are purely fictitious.

Warning(s): M/m slash, angst, fluff, more AU than historical

Word-count: 4,850

Note: Written for bi-weekly Alexander Alphabet Challenge. Please understand that my writing falls more to the emotional side than the historical and as such I tend to mold my characters to suit my own needs – and it is not my intention to offend anybody or change the order of history. This is a sequel to Darkness and Eye to Eye.

Light streamed through the mirage of trees in Hephaistion's head. The dream made him struggle and strain to move from the hard forest floor and he wondered if he was really dreaming or if he had been taken to the Gods. Everything was so beautiful, bathed in soft light that he remembered well but had not seen for months. But if he was with the Gods, that meant he would not see Alexander again until his time had also come and Hephaistion knew that was not to be for many years.

He tried to speak but the words would not come out. The words would not leave the dryness of his throat or mouth where the metallic flavor of blood was all he could taste. It was not time. He was not done serving and loving the man of his heart. He had to fight harder. He had to find Alexander again. All he could think of was it was not his time … it was not his time … until blackness overtook him, again.

*****

"Kyros! Kyros! Where are you boy?" Alexander bellowed from outside of Hephaistion's tent.

"I'm here, sire." The young page came around the corner, head bowed.

"How by the Gods do you expect to be of any use to General Hephaistion, if you are not even here, boy?"

"I stepped away for only a moment, my King."

Alexander sighed loudly, his displeasure flowing over his entire body. "Is the general still asleep?"

"No … yes … sire," Kyros said quickly, his head still bowed.

"Well, which is it, boy?"

"It is yes, sire. I believe Heph … General Hephaistion is still asleep."

"Whatever is the matter with you, Kyros? Have you been indulging in the general's wine?" Alexander squinted his eyes and furrowed his brows, making the young page take a step back from him.

"N … n … no, sire."

"Then what by the Gods is wrong with you this day?" Alexander watched as the boy stammered some more then, shaking his head at the youngster, pushed past him and entered the tent. "Hephaistion? Hephaistion, I'm coming in."

He separated the tent flap to find the sleeping area empty. "Phai?" He crossed to the inner chamber but Hephaistion was nowhere to be found. "Kyros! Hephaistion's bed has not been slept in. I suggest you tell me where he is before I send the guards for you." Drops of sweat dripped down the page's face as he raised his head and met the King's angry glare. "You have been put in charge of the well-being of the general so I order you to tell me where he is."

"He must not have come back last night," the boy whispered.

"Not come back? You are his personal page, why are you not knowledgeable of his whereabouts?"

"I was feeling unwell, your majesty. I must have dozed off."

Alexander grabbed the boy by the shoulders and shook him. "Where did he go, Kyros? He could be lost or injured. Have you not the knowledge that he is blind? Speak now!"

"Yes, sire. He went with General Cleitus."

Alexander's face reddened and his fingertips dug into the boy's bony shoulders. "Cleitus? What was he doing with Cleitus?"

"I know not, sire," Kyros whispered again.

The King shoved the boy backwards. "Stay here! I shall deal with you when I've found Hephaistion."

*****

"Cleitus!" Alexander stormed into the older general's tent, unannounced. "You bloody bastard, where are you?"

Cleitus rose slowly from his bed, dagger clutched in his hand. "Alexander," he said sleepily. "What the blazes are you doing? Is it not a free day today? Have you no manners man? What if I had company in my bed?"

"Do not anger me further, Cleitus? Where is he? Hephaistion! Show yourself!"

"Hephaistion?" Cleitus said, his voice and face showing confusion. "Why on the face of the earth would you believe Hephaistion is here?"

Alexander closed the gap between them and grabbed Cleitus by the chiton he had just pulled over his head. "I'll not be made a fool of, Cleitus. Have you actually gone behind my back and …"

Cleitus pulled roughly away from Alexander's grasp. "You may stab me with my own dagger if you wish, Alexander, but I know nothing about that which you are going on about."

"You were not with Hephaistion last night?"

"No, Alexander. Why would I be with him and why would you believe he was here this morning, as well? Did he say something to make you believe that?"

"No. I haven't seen him. His page told me he was with you last evening."

"Then the bloody boy lied, Alexander."

Alexander turned to leave the tent but was stopped by Cleitus' hand. "Let me get my boots on and come with you … so you don't do anything rash."

*****

Kyros was nowhere to be found at Hephaistion's tent and Alexander felt himself slowly losing control. "Find that boy now!" He ordered to anyone within shouting distance. "And we must search for Hephaistion, as well."

Under the watchful eye of Alexander, every tent was searched and every man in the camp questioned but two hours later there were still no answers, no Kyros and no Hephaistion.

"We must search beyond the camp," Alexander argued. "Standing here is not helping. Everyone get off your bloody asses and get to work!"

"Your majesty!" The page was out of breath as he ran through the entrance towards Alexander and dropped to one knee in front of him. "A horse has just been found. It was wandering alone on the edge of the camp, sire."

"Is it the one Hephaistion was riding yesterday?" Alexander said quickly.

"No, Alexander," Ptolemy said. "It was a different horse."

"Search beyond the camp!" Alexander yelled. "I want every man in this camp looking for Hephaistion. If he was on that horse, he may be wounded and lying somewhere and we must find him."

"What do you suggest we do, Alexander?" Cleitus moaned. "We cannot spread out in every direction haphazardly."

"And why the blazes not? Are we not an Army, Cleitus? Is that not the reason we are here? To spread out and conquer no matter what the consequences may be? I fear we are not much of an army at all if we cannot find one man." Turning away from the general, he barked his orders to the others. "I want every single tree, stream, rock and blade of grass searched for any traces of General Hephaistion and I want it done now!"

"Alexander, calm yourself," Cleitus urged, receiving a look of rage from the King. "Is that not what Hephaistion would tell you to do?"

Alexander stopped his pacing and ranting and looked at Cleitus. "How dare you use his name in that manner at a time like this."

"I've managed to settle your spirit a little though, haven't I?" Cleitus said, stepping towards the King. "He is the one who would bring you back down to your senses at a time like this, is he not? Is he not the only one who can reason with you? Well, my King, who is reasoning with you now on his behalf?"

Alexander blinked several times at the older man. He could feel his heart and his brain slowing down to a more reasonable rate. "Thank you, Cleitus. You are right. I need to keep a cool and clear head. Please tell me what you suggest."

"We don't even know if Hephaistion is in the area any longer, Alexander," Cleitus began, holding his hand up when he saw the King begin to speak. "That does not mean he is not but you must prepare yourself for that situation, as well. I suggest that the generals each take a contingent of their own men and fan out over a different area."

"I can take Hephaistion's men with me, Cleitus," Ptolemy offered from the back of the room.

"Thank you Ptolemy," Alexander said calmly. "Yes. Do as Cleitus says. Divide the area between yourselves and remember no spot is to be missed. If … when Hephaistion is found, the horns will be sounded for you to make your way back to camp. I shall join Cleitus' men in the search. Dismissed."

As the men filed out, Cleitus grabbed Alexander's arm. "I would prefer you stay here, my King."

"Cleitus, I can't sit idly by and wait. I must help, you have to understand that."

"I do, Alexander, but what if Hephaistion returns on his own. Would you not be the first one he seeks?"

Alexander threw himself down into a chair, pouting. "Yes. You're right. I just feel so … helpless and useless. I believe I now know how my beloved has been feeling."

"We'll find him, Alexander," Cleitus promised, laying a hand on the distraught man's shoulder. "I swear we'll find him."

"My fear is not only of not finding him, Cleitus, but of finding him not alive."

*****

"Alexander," Hephaistion whispered. "I need you, my beloved."

*****

Alexander paced and fumed in his tent, his head filled with "what-ifs". What if he had insisted on seeing Hephaistion the night before? What if he hadn't chosen the vengeful words that he had? What if Hephaistion was injured? What if he never saw the man of his heart again?

Hurried footsteps broke Alexander from his reverie; his strides were long as he exited his tent. "We found him Alexander," Ptolemy said as the worried King stopped in front of him. "The doctor is with him in his tent now."

Alexander flew past everyone, his cape flowing behind him as he rushed to Hephaistion's tent and ran in the door. "Hephaistion!"

"Shh," the doctor shushed. "He's asleep, my King."

"How is he? What's happened?" Alexander moved closer to the bed that held his beloved, taking in the blood and dirt on his face and in his hair. "Will he be alright?"

"I believe so, Alexander," the doctor said, rising from his chair beside the bed and putting a hand on the King's shoulder. "He has a head wound but I've stitched it up. I've also wrapped his left arm which I believe is broken. His body temperature is very low so we need to keep him warm, Alexander. We won't know the full extent of his injuries until he has fully regained consciousness but I believe he will be fine."

Alexander let out his breath as the doctor exited the tent and he slowly lowered himself into the chair. "Hephaistion," he whispered, taking the man's uninjured hand. "Oh my love, you had me so worried. Whatever were you doing out at night by yourself?" He stroked the long, matted hair from the man's face, his fingers pausing on the dirty but still beautiful face. Lowering his head to Hephaistion's, he brushed a soft kiss to the bleeding lips. "Oh, Phai, you're freezing."

Crossing the room, Alexander grabbed the extra fur from the table and tucked it carefully around Hephaistion then took a wet cloth from the inner chamber and began to wipe the blood and grime from his lover's face. "You're such a mess, my love. Were you not always the one who made sure my face was clean when we were children. You were always so careful and I so reckless."

"Alexander?" the chapped lips suddenly whispered softly. Alexander stopped his wiping and leaned his head closer.

"Yes, Phai. It's me."

Hephaistion's eyes remained closed and his fingers tightened around Alexander's as he managed just one more word. "Home?"

The King leaned his forehead against the general's. "Yes, love, you're home."

*****

"Alexander?" The King thought he was dreaming as the words were repeated. "Alexander?" He finally opened his eyes to the most beautiful sight … Hephaistion finally awake. "I'm so happy to see you, Alexander," Hephaistion said softly, the emotion rising in his voice.

Alexander looked into the blue eyes. "And I'm so glad to have you back, my love."

"No, Alexander. You don't understand," Hephaistion explained as a teardrop rolled slowly down his face. "I'm happy to see you. I can see you, Alexander."

It took a moment for the words to register in the King's head but then his mouth dropped open and he felt all the air leave his lungs. "You can see me, Phai?"

"Every glorious part of you, my love," Hephaistion whispered, placing his good hand on Alexander's cheek. "Oh, how I've missed this beautiful face." Alexander rose quickly from the chair, stumbling backwards as he tried to stabilize himself on his feet. "Alexander?"

The King exited the tent in a hurry almost knocking Cleitus down in the process. "Hephaistion? Man, you're awake!" Hephaistion managed to smile at his friend while his brain reeled with confusion. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," the younger general said. "It's good to see you, Cleitus. Even your mangy all face is a delight to my eyes." Cleitus hooted and grabbed the prone man to him. "Cleitus! You're squeezing me to death."

Cleitus broke his hold a little but still clung to Hephaistion. "Did you and Alexander already have a scrap, general," he teased.

"No," Hephaistion replied. "He didn't react kindly to me seeing him though."

"Definitely an odd reaction but then again whatever is truly normal with our King," Cleitus asked with a grin. "You gave us all a scare, Hephaistion. Do you remember why you were out on a horse in the middle of the night?"

"I was meeting you."

Cleitus' mouth hung open and he sat carefully down in the chair. "Me?"

"Yes," Hephaistion said, struggling to sit up but giving up when the pain in his head overtook him. "Kyros told me you wanted to meet me for a moonlight ride."

"Why would the lad do that?"

"I suspect he had the intention of getting rid of me and he wasn't alone in his mission." Hephastion cringed at the memory. "There was someone else at the stables when I was sent blindly out into the dark,"

"Who?" Cleitus encouraged. "Who else was there, Hephaistion? And may the Gods protect that man from what I will do to him when I find him."

"It was woman."

Cleitus' face wrinkled up in confusion. "A woman?"

"Yes. And I believe I know who she was."

*****

"Alexander?" Ptolemy said, coming upon the man huddled by a tree outside Hephaistion's tent. "Did something happen? Is Hephaistion …"

"He can see."

"What?" Ptolemy questioned.

"He opened up his eyes and looked at me, Ptolemy," Alexander said softly, his hands cupping his face, fingers threading through his blond curls.

"Then why on earth are you sitting out here by yourself? Should you not be rejoicing and smothering him with affection? Did something else happen, Alexander? Did Hephaistion say something displeasing?"

"No, quite the contrary," Alexander replied, looking up at his life-long friend. His eyes filled with tears as he continued. "He told me I was beautiful. After all I did to him. After that horrible thing I said and all the times I treated him like a child and an invalid, he still told me I was beautiful."

"Alexander, your guilt runneth over, my friend," Ptolemy said. "You're sitting out here feeling guilty when all you should be doing is being with Hephaistion. You've probably confused the life out of the man. Get yourself back in there and leave all that guilt out here."

Alexander managed a smile. "You're right. There'll be time for me to explain myself and apologize later. He can see, Ptolemy. He can see."

*****

"Am I still welcome?" Alexander asked, entering Hephaistion's tent, a fur held tightly in his arms. Cleitus turned and grinned at the King, ruffled Hephaistion's hair, bringing a groan from the man's throat and left the tent.

"You are always welcome, Alexander," the long-haired man said. "What kind of an obscure question is that? And where the devil did you go?"

Alexander smiled and tucked the fur around his lover. "I had to … think," he replied.

"Well, you could have done your thinking right here. Have I ever hindered that process before?"

"Oh, many times," Alexander teased as he sat on the edge of the bed and took his lover's hand. "You hinder and distract me all the time, my love."

"Are you alright, Alexander? I thought you would be happy I could see again," Hephaistion said, looking deep into the man's brown eyes. "Are you not?"

Alexander responded by pressing his lips to Hephaistion'a, one hand going into the man's hair and holding it tight. "I am, Phai, more than you can ever imagine. Forgive me for running out on you. I was startled and I'm ashamed."

"You're worried about what you said to me in the stables, are you not?" Hephaistion said, rubbing his nose to Alexander's. The King nodded and opened his mouth to speak, only to have it covered by Hephaistion's.

The general was the one to break the kiss. "What's done is done, my love. I know you spoke merely out of worry and concern for me but do not trick yourself into believing I will be so kind shall you do it again."

"Never," Alexander moaned. "I'm so happy to have you see me again, Phai. So happy to have you look into my eyes. To have you see the love I hold for you, the love I have always held for you, the love I will always hold for you."

Hephaistion brushed a lone tear from Alexander's face. "I told you, Alexander, that I do not need to see your eyes to know you love me but I am so elated to see it there nonetheless."

"How are you feeling, my beloved?" Alexander asked as he straightened up and handed Hephaistion a cup of water. "The doctor said you are dehydrated and in need of rest. Do you wish for me to leave you now?"

"No," Hephaistion said quickly. "I fear being alone, Alexander. I fear if I am alone and close my eyes to rest, I shall awake blind again."

"I'll stay and protect you, Phai. It's a shame to have such beautiful eyes be unable to see the world and I shall not allow that to happen."

"Hold me, Alexander, please."

Alexander climbed carefully onto the bed beside Hephaistion, one arm slowly wrapping beneath his shoulders and the other lightly winding around his middle. "Close your eyes, my love. I shall not leave your side … ever again."

*****

"Ptolemy?" Cleitus said from the entrance of the man's tent. Ptolemy poked his head out and smiled at Cleitus.

"Did you see Hephaistion?" the younger general asked. "It's a bloody miracle."

"Yes, it is," Cleitus agreed. "But we have something else to focus on now, Ptolemy. Hephaistion said he was lured out to the stables by Kyros and that there was a woman involved, as well."

"A woman?" Ptolemy inquired. "How do you mean … involved?"

"You're not going to like the answer to that question, my friend."

*****

The next time Hephaistion opened his eyes, he was relieved that he was able to see his beloved beside him. Alexander was awake and staring down at him, his hand winding gently in Hephaistion's hair.

"Can you see me, love?" Alexander asked, his eyes full of worry and concern.

"You are as clear as day and as beautiful as the day we met," Hephaistion answered, giggling when he saw Alexander blush.

"Ahem."

"Oh, I didn't realize we had company," Hephaistion said, his cheeks growing red now as well. "Cleitus, do you have news?"

"Do you think you would recognize the voice of the woman you heard, Hephaistion?"

"Yes, of course. That voice has been playing in my head over and over again," Hephaistion replied, looking up at the entrance as Ptolemy came in, a woman's hand clutched in his.

"Please do as I told you," Ptolemy instructed the woman. She struggled in his grasp but he held tight. "Do it!"

The woman whispered something incomprehensible, earning her a slap from Ptolemy. "He won't last long on this beast. Send him off running."

Hephaistion sucked in his breath and held tight to Alexander's hand. He fought the flood of emotions and memories that quickly entered his brain. "Yes," he said softly. "That's the voice." Alexander shook his lover's hand from his and jumped from the bed.

"Who are you? And why have you done such a thing?" He yelled, grabbing the woman by the shoulders. "Speak or I shall have you beaten until you do."

"Your mother would be so proud of you threatening a mere woman," the woman said, a smile appearing on her face. "She had much higher hopes for you than that."

Alexander's eyes opened wide. "How dare you bring my mother into this, you disgusting whore. I am of strong mind to beat you myself. Now stop your bantering and tell me what you meant to accomplish with this."

"I know not why she dotes on you so, Alexander …" The woman was shoved up against the wall before she could finish her sentence.

"I suggest you not speak to me in such familiar terms, woman," Alexander warned, tightening his grip.

"Yes, your … majesty," the woman said dryly. "But you do know how you disappoint her so, don't you … sire?"

"Woman, stop prattling on and tell us what we are asking of you!" Cleitus yelled. "The mention of the King's mother will win you no good graces here."

The woman snorted. "I wish no good graces to be granted, General Cleitus. You don't recognize me, do you? Any of you?" The men all stared as she went on. "I would have thought better of you, Cleitus, since you saw me at your previous King's side many times and in various states of undress." She paused and looked Alexander in the eye. "What, Alexander? Did you believe your father took only boys as his playthings? He had an eye for the odd woman as well and I was definitely one of his favorites. I believe it was just too enticing for him knowing that I was your mother's sister."

Alexander gasped and let the woman go, stumbling back to the bed and resting by Hephaistion's side. The general took his hand and struggled to a sitting position. "The Queen has no sisters," Hephaistion said, stroking his thumb across Alexander's knuckles to calm him. "You are nothing but a liar, my lady, now tell us what you had to gain by sending me to my death."

The woman laughed a deep, joyless laugh. "For such high and powerful men, you are all quite stupid, aren't you? Olympias kept me a secret all these years but now she has sent me, you mortal idiots. Olympias wants her precious son rid of his beautiful whore."

Alexander jumped from the bed again, his hands immediately going around the neck of the woman before him. Cleitus managed to pull him off as the woman sputtered and squirmed on the floor.

"You shall burn, woman, but not until I personally cut your head off and feed it to the dogs!"

"Alexander!" Hephaistion said loudly. "Obviously this woman has no cowardice towards any threats on her life but perhaps she cares enough about her son to save his."

"My son? Kyros has been nothing but a disappointment to me his entire life. I brought him here with me because he promised he could do what had to be done and what did he have the nerve to do? Fall in love with the whore himself. I had to threaten the boy's life to get him to do what was intended and then he ran away like a frightened child when Alexander questioned him. Nothing but a waste of life."

"Tell us where he is, Lysandra," Ptolemy spoke up for the first time.

"Oh, why the long face, my Ptolemy? Have I disappointed you? You did not seem disappointed in any way when I was warming your bed all those nights. I must thank you for being so useful to me and recommending my son as a page for the whore."

Ptolemy moved forward quickly, slapping the woman across the face. "Do not call him that! And please do not flatter yourself, woman, you were no different than any of the other female whores that have warmed my bed."

"As you can see, Lysandra is it? I cannot stifle the animalistic urges of these men much longer," Hephaistion said calmly. "Tell us where Kyros is and we'll spare his life and ensure your death is swift."

"Have you men not heard anything I've said?" Lysandra marveled wide-eyed as she spit a tooth out into her hand and wiped the blood from her mouth. "Kyros is not worth the effort I put into birthing him and as for sparing his life, there is no need since I already rid him of it."

Alexander stared. "You did what?"

"He was my son and I alone had the right to take his life. There was no future for him. There was no chance of him making something of himself, him and his love for your precious … Hephaistion. Your mother would understand how hard it is to wish everything for your child and have them spit in your face instead."

"You're definitely my mother's sister," Alexander said. "And you've managed to not make her look better in my eyes but worse. I trust she won't be happy when she hears you failed her either. I guess we have that in common."

"How can you let yourself be drawn in by this whore, Alexander? You are a King, you have promise and power and an obligation to provide your loving mother with an heir … to provide your people with an heir, not to bed a disgusting Athenian, no matter how pretty he is. Are you not a man Alexander? Or have you truly become your father's son?"

"Enough!" Hephaistion yelled. "Get her out of here Cleitus." He looked at Alexander, an apology in his eyes for possibly overstepping his bounds.

Alexander nodded. "Yes, Hephaistion is right. I have nothing further to say to this woman nor do I have any need to listen to her venom any longer."

"He even speaks for you, does he?" Lysandra quipped. "You may have survived this time, General Hephaistion, but heed my words. You will always be in danger from the Queen and what Olympias wants, Olympias gets. Farewell … nephew." As her last words left her mouth, Lysandra grabbed the dagger from Ptolemy's belt and plunged it into her chest before any of the men could even react.

*****

It was several days before Alexander would allow Hephaistion to stray from his tent and into the sunlight. The general opened his cerulean eyes wide and took in all the sights he had truly been missing. "Oh Alexander," he purred against his lover's neck. "This is the most glorious day, my love." He stepped back quickly when he realized they were not alone and he had overstepped his bounds, yet again.

Alexander pulled him back into his arms. "I told you I would not leave your side and I meant it, Phai, and that applies to out here as well, not just in the privacy of our tents. I plan on keeping you close as my friend and my general and my lover and my heart." He leaned in and kissed Hephaistion square on the mouth, making the general blush slightly. Taking the his lover's hand, Alexander led him over to a couple of chairs that had been set out in front of the general's tent.

"How is Ptolemy?" Hephaistion asked, arranging his bandaged arm on his lap. "I've not seen him since the incident with Lysandra."

"He is feeling much guilt and even though both Cleitus and I have assured him that it was in no way his fault, he is still having a hard time facing you, Phai."

"I'll have to go and face him then, won't I?" Hephaistion smiled.

Alexander nodded and took Hephaistion's hand again. "I'm sorry for treating you the way I did, Hephaistion. I truly am. I go a little overboard when it comes to you, don't I?"

Hephaistion smiled again. "Yes, but I understand why and it touches me, Alexander. I know you do and say things because you love me so much and I also know that I can't change that. So if I spent all my time being mad at you for showing your love in some of the frustrating ways that you do, I'd be mad at you all the time, now wouldn't I?"

Alexander snorted and pressed his lips firmly to Hephaistion's. "So how does it feel to be sighted again, my love?"

"Freeing," the general said, looking up into the blue sky. "Like I'm free to be me again. Just free to be."