Blue Kitsune: Hi it's me Blue Kitsune, just decide to make a Hellsing oneshot and I like to thank Demon General Alastar for his help and for putting some of his ideas down here, so please read and review!
Blue Kitsune does not own Hellsing but own the OC characters I made up.
Summary: With Integra having to deal with one Alucard is bad enough but what happens when she finds herself with a much bigger problem and by that which is the drooling pooping wailing kinds.
Integra's Worse Nightmare
It seem like any normal day in the Hellsing Manor. If anyone had told Integra that her worst nightmare would come true she would of shoot them full of silver bullets and then ram a sword right up their ass. Normally she didn't believe she would encounter anything she hadn't already dealt with, especially when it had to do with her annoying servant who bothers her night in and night out. It gave her migraine just thinking of that troublesome vampire.
One of him was bad enough and would be terrible if there were more like him just to make it hell in Hellsing.
Just as she was making her way to her office she heard a strange sound.
What the? What was that surrying sound? Rats, no that can't be, there shouldn't be any rats here. But just in case, she would have Walter set up rattraps to deal with those vermin. God if there's one thing she did not like it was those disease-ridden pest and wasn't talking about freaks or ghouls either.
If only that were so as she had little to no idea that these weren't rodents she was going to deal with in the next few seconds. Integra had just head towards her quarters and as she open the door finding her office completely a mess but that's not what had her frozen solid. In there, there were little kids running amok and wondering what the hell was going on!
Half the furniture was destroy and some of them were painting pictures on the walls with red paint, or at least she hope it was paint cause blood is a bitch to get out and had then repainted last week! One of the kid, she could swear he look almost a lot like Alucard was sitting on her chair, feet prop up and smoking her cigars. She saw another one, this time a girl holding her favorite pistol and aiming it at an apple on top of another kid's head.
"Hold still Damon. Don't want to accidentally shoot your head off now." The girl with the gun had light blonde hair and ember eyes and a Cheshire grin on her face.
"Ok Linnet whatever you say." The black hair boy said as he whistled waiting for her to make the shot. She did but instead of hitting the apple, it took off Damon's head but then the two laugh as his body went to pick him up and place him back on looking good as new. "MY TURN!"
Integra still not sure if she dreaming or if this was really real quickly close the door and lean against it trying to calm herself while her thought were running wild not sure what was happening.
What in the name that is Hellsing, she couldn't be sure if this was some sort of sick joke on Alucard's part but if she see that vampire was behind it she have him hanging from the balcony and bask in the sunlight till he turns into vampire jerky!
"Oh now master that's not a nice thing to think about."
"Alucard what is the meaning of this, where did those come from!" She point to the door just when she heard another shot and this time the door was blown right off. Alucard and Integra look in to see Damon was now holding Seras' Harkonnan and there was a large gaping hole where Linnet's stomach was before she started laughing followed by the rest of those munchkins. Integra gawked while Alucard chuckled amuse at their tactic.
"Well from me and Police girl of course, didn't your father teach you the birds and bees."
"WHAT!?!" Did she hear correctly, those were his kids?! She looked at the vampire as if he declared that he was all for world peace or something ridiculous and just when she seem ready to start questioning his insanity, she heard another voice coming into conversation.
"Oh Sir Integra please keep your voice down, you'll wake Jezie from her nap." Integra saw Seras appear beside Alucard and was holding a little girl that had blond hair and sucking on her thumb and was sleeping but not for long. She open her blue eyes and look around and then at her rather curious as to what was going on. Integra look in between Alucard and Seras and to the kid then back to the two vampires, "Wait how many, when, what!"
Alucard put his hand on his chin thinking, "Well let see, we lost count after we had our twelfth kid and we have been doing it for years behind your back when you thought me and Police Girl weren't in sight and like I told you have you not been told what sex is to know where babies come from?" Integra was silent, taking in this information and her brain seem to shut down on itself.
"Master I think we probably should leave her alone."
"Yes I think we should. In fact how about we go and have a night out on the town." Before Seras could say another word, Alucard took the girl out of her arms and hand her over to Integra who was still in mild shock, "Here this is Jezebel, Jez this is your Aunt Teggy, now have fun with her while Mommy and Daddy are out." He ruffle her hair and then swoop Seras up and carried her bridal style as he created a portal and Seras giggled all excited and said, "Oh Master…"
But not a moment too soon, Alucard reappears and said, "Oh almost forgot, Jez is teething so you might want to watch out." Then disappeared again from her sight.
Integra blink as she heard what the vampire just said, "She's teething?" Looking back to the girl in her hands and saw her eyes now blood red and was grinning, showing the many razor sharp teeth she had. Oh yes she was definitely Alucard's kid.
Then Jez was doing the strangest thing, she was sniffing her. "You smell good, me hungry now!" And without warning Jez chomp down on her arm. Hard! Integra scream, "EEEHHHOOOOOOOO!!!!" People could hear it all the way to the soldier's barracks and Integra was running down the hall with the little vampire girl stuck on her arm trying to make her to let go.
"WALTER!" She hope to find the butler and help her out, knowing she needed someone sane who could save her from this madness and pry this kid off her arm. What she came across to put her in shock at seeing Walter's hands were tied, literally.
"I'm afraid I'm a little busy at the moment!" The kids had force him into a hostage situation by having them take his wire and hogtied him and were using him as a sort of shield as a food fight commence and were decorating the kitchen's walls with splattered food and blood everywhere. It looked like a madhouse and those kids were making it worse.
"You'll never take me alive suckers!" One who looked a lot like Alucard especially wearing his hat and glasses and grin manically while using a water gun to spray everyone with blood. Integra decided that it was best to back out before she got drag into this, leaving behind poor Walter in the gunfire.
Hey he survived WWII and was sure he'll get through this one with only his memories traumatized and needing a well paid vacation from this.
She hurried to where the soldier's quarters were and was again shock to see that these little kids of Alucard's had caught them and going through the worse torture yet.
"Oh look Lucrecia, doesn't he look absolutely adorable!" One girl who had put the finishing touch on Pip as she turn to her sibling who giggle and nodded, "Yes Lilith, pink is really such a pretty color on him."
Admiring their work, the Wildgeese leader Pip was without a doubt the ugliest girl Integra ever saw. With his long hair up in curly pigtails and tied off with dozen of pink bows and makeup smeared on his face and dear god was he wearing a miniskirt that showed off his very hairy legs.
Dear god, Integra thought, my eyes they burn! She turn from the terrifying sight and saw the other Wildgeese had been put in the same situation as their captain.
They saw Integra and mouth off the words, 'Help' as they were begging her to do something to get them out with what's left of their dignity. She had to get away before they make her the next poor soul. But was too late as the children set their sight on Sir Integra, their red eyes glowing and smiling eerily as one boy spoke, "Oh look we have a new playmate! How about we play doctor and she's the victim, um patient."
"Good idea! Everyone battle stations!" Everyone scattered, Integra not sure where they went but then was suddenly being wheel out by a wheelchair as two kids were running at super sonic speed down the hall and into the Knights round table which apparently had been turn into the operating room.
She saw all the kids in smocks and some in Hellsing uniform as they ran out of extra clothes to pretend were doctors and had to salvage through other people's wardrobe. Three girls went to work on tying down her limbs, making it tight but also to let her breath.
One wearing Alucard's cape and sunglasses perched on his nose and took a closer look at Integra then to her arm where Jez still remain this whole time. "Uh oh it looks like we'll have to operate fast in order to free both of them!" Suddenly one of the munchkins pulled out a large scalpel and Integra's eyes widen!
Oh god they were going to chop her up! She struggle against her binding but the brats had tied her down good. She sees the blade getting closer and closer.
Someone save me dammit!
"CAIN!" Yes thank god! ABOUT FREAKIN' TIME! Alucard come over and went toward his son and took the scalpel away from him, "You can't play doctor, not with this puny object. This on the other hand would be much more proficient." As Alucard brought out a giant chainsaw out of nowhere and handed it to Cain.
"Oh and don't forget to put out some newspaper out so you wont stain the floor." Integra gawked while the kids look to each other then back to their father, "Oh we forgot, ok Siren, grab some paper fast!"
A girl with white hair and red eyes hurried out and was back in a second flat and putting paper on the ground then turn to their dad who nodded in approval, "Better now. Dinner at seven, so don't be late."
"We won't!" The kids chorus while Integra look to her servant wondering what has gotten into him. He was just going to leave her like this! Was he crazy, on second thought she probably knew the answer to that one already.
Alucard stood outside the door and turn to her grinning, "Oh don't worry, they won't do anything drastic, at least not much. Have fun!" And quickly slam the door shut leaving her at the mercy of these demons.
The kids then turn their attention back to her, "Now shall we proceed?" The others nodded and watched as Cain tug on the string and the chainsaw whirl to life and lifting it up and Integra thinking this was it, she had winded up straight into hell and was at the mercy of these devils! She seeing this might be the end might as well scream her lungs out.
"NO!!!!" Integra woke with a frightful start after falling to the floor and hitting the hard ground. Integra panting as she sat up and look around seeing she was in her own room and not the knight's quarters like she thought. She didn't know what had brought her to dream like that when it hit her like lightning.
"Oh sweet Jesus." She remember she couldn't sleep and having gone to the library and picking a book at random and found a chapter on 'Vampire making, the wonders of creating babies!' She shudder thinking how she could only imagine if Alucard and Seras were to ever have kids and what they would do, dear god she have to prevent that before that happens!
She rush down to the basement and throwing open the door and started to scream out to her servant who was abruptly awaken by sensing his master approach, "Alucard you are to never, never have babies is that clear!"
Alucard who stared at his master with a blank look, he refused to show his confusion as he wonder what had gotten into her but then said, "Yes Master though I think I'm afraid it's a little too late at the moment."
Now Sir Integra looked confuse but then seeing an arm wrap itself around his waist and Seras popping up from the coffin, her clothes slightly askew and one or two buttons missing, courtesy of her master. Integra seeing him put an arm around her shoulder and giving her a quick kiss on the neck where little hickies were and,Seras giggling, "Master don't you dare!"
"Oh but Police Girl it's right for my master to know we going to have another little bloodsucker here in the next eight months." He put his hand on her stomach and rubbing it affectingly which shocked Integra, never seeing this side of him and then watched as he nuzzle her stomach and cooing gentle to it. "We're thinking of naming this one Cain and decided on making you the Godmother how does that sound master, master?"
They turn and saw that for the first time in Integra's life she fainted. They then turn back to each other and shrug and then went back to doing what they had been doing before, having wild vampire sex!
"Jesus no!" As Integra bolt straight up from her bed and about ready to have a heart attack. Cold sweat coming down her brow and again finding was back in her own room, her real room hopefully.
"Oh. Just a dream." A relive smile on her face as she made to lay back down, thanking god that hadn't been real.
"What was Aunty Teggy?" Integra sat up and saw a girl with blond hair and wild black streak and mismatch blue and red eyes asked. As she sat crossed leg on top of Integra's bed, their faces centimeters away from each other. Five seconds seem to pass before Integra did the one thing she could do.
Her screams reach the gates of Heaven itself. "AAAAALLLLLLUUCCCCCAAARRRDDDDDD!"