He respects authority. It's logical to do so. There's a reason why authority go to be authority in the first place. Also, sometimes authority locks you in a shed for not saving vegetables for stock.

He always deferred to the authority of his previous captains. But this iidiot/i Jim Halpert is not an authority worth respecting.

He is loud and brash and demonstrative and his hair is two inches longer than regulation allows. Something has to be done.

--

"Lt. Beesly, you work rather closely with the captain..."

"He sits like two feet away from me. That's pretty close."

"Have you noticed anything different about the captain?"

"Different?"

Is that the wrong term in English? Connotations elude him. "Special, perhaps? Something that made you notice him?"

"No. What? I don't notice the Captain. We're just friends... colleagues. I don't sit at my station wondering what the captain's doing. I don't. Did he say anything about me?"

"No. Thank you for your time."

--

"The Captain? Oh, he's a great guy."

"Yes. Have you observed any peculiar behaviors practiced by the Captain?"

"Yeah. He's always hanging around on the bridge with this guy with pointy ears name o' Shrut."

"Schrute."

"Yeah, that's the guy."

"I am Schrute."

"Hi, I'm Creed. Nice to meet you."

He almost sighs but that would be an inefficient evacuation of air. He is compelled to wonder how Lt. Commander Bratton has every mile of Jefferies tubes memorized but still does not know any of the name of anyone on the ship.

--

"Lt. Martinez, your door was-- Ensign Bernard, I did not expect to see you in Lt. Martinez's quarters."

"No. You wouldn't. 'Cause why would I be here?"

"I must ask, why are you both missing your clothing?"

"Ummm..."

"We were checking each other for ticks," the Lieutenant says, throwing the Ensign his pants.

"Yes. That is what we were doing."

"Good. I understand that ticks are an irritating parasite from Earth. A tick outbreak would be very damaging to crew morale."

"Why are you here, Schrute?"

"Lieutenant, I do not have time for any of your philosophical queries. I need to question you about the Captain."

Bernard makes what the humans call a "glare" in Martinez's direction.

"What," Martinez stutters, "what about the Captain?"

"Yeah, what about the Captain?"

"Have either of you detected any abnormality about the Captain?"

"No. He's pretty average."

"Average or... bigger than average, Oscar?"

Martinez coughs and his face flushes. "Well... um..."

Schrute isn't certain what the Ensign is getting at but he tries to facilitate. "Sometimes it helps to compare people in terms of letter grades. What grade would the Captain receive and what grade would you give me?"

"He doesn't know how to grade you. iRight, Oscar?/i"

"Yes. I wouldn't know where to start."

"Then compare the Captain and Ensign Bernard."

Schrute could hear Martinez gulp. "Uh. I guess the Captain would get a C and Ensign Bernard would get a B plus."

An expression called a "smirk" appeared on Bernard's face.

"Thank you, gentlemen. Carry on."

--

"Yeoman Howard, have you seen any inappropriate behavior being perpetrated by the officers of this ship?"

"Yes! Oh my god. I thought no one else had noticed. He keeps giving me these looks like he wants to... I don't know what."

"The Captain is making lascivious eye movements?"

"No! No. Dr. Scott. It freaks me out. I'm so glad you--"

"That is all, Yeoman."

--

"Oh, watch out, Nurse Martin, it's the jolly green giant."

"Dr. Scott, I have told you several times that I am half-Vulcan and half-human, not any race of giants."

"But your blood is green and you're tall. It's funny."

"I fail to see the humor."

"Why do you have to ruin everything, Schrute? No wonder your mom and dad never visit; you're no fun."

He suppresses a whimper. iMutter.../i

"What do you want?"

"Have you detected any abnormalities in Captain Halpert that would make him unfit for command?"

"What are you trying to do? Jim is my friend. No, Jim is my best friend. I'm not gonna say anything that you can use to hurt him. Go away, you-- you leprechaun!"

Nurse Martin chases after him when he leaves the sick bay.

"Commander Schrute."

"Nurse Martin."

"I have noticed several abnormalities in Captain Halpert."

"Continue."

"He spends an inordinate amount of time staring at you when you're bent over the science station on the bridge."

"Fascinating. Thank you, Nurse."

The woman leans in closer to him. He steps backs. "I have seen other things. We could discuss them in my quarters."

"No. I have all the information I require. I need to see the Captain."

---

"Captain? It is Commander Schrute."

"Come on in."

The door opens. The Captain is waiting right behind it.

"Hey, Schrute. I was just looking to talk to you."

"I suspected you were."

"The crew's been telling me you're asking questions about me all day."

"False. I have not been asking questions about you all day. I took a break to eat lunch."

"Do you wanna sit down?"

"Yes. Sitting is a much more comfortable position than standing."

"Okay. Do you want anything to drink?"

"No."

"Really? I've got Saurian brandy, Scotch, beer..."

"No. I know that you are attempting to poison me."

"What? Why would I poison you?"

"Because you want to kill me and poisoning me would kill me."

"Schrute, I don't want to kill you."

"Fact: You do not like me. Fact: You do not like Vulcans. Quote: 'Captain Halpert spends an inordinate amount of time staring at you when you're bent over the science station in the bridge.' Conclusion: You want to kill me."

"That's a ridiculously illogical conclusion. I don't hate you and I certainly don't hate Vulcans."

"But you are quote 'best friends' with Dr. Scott who is prejudiced against Vulcans."

"I am not 'quote best friends' with Dr. Scott."

"Yet he said you were."

"Sometimes humans lie."

"Why?"

"Because sometimes humans want to appear more impressive than they actually are."

"But why do they not simply become more impressive? Then they would not have to lie. To lie is--"

"Illogical. I know."

"Yet you continue to lie to me about your desire to murder me."

"I don't want to murder you!"

"Then why do you stare at me as if you wanted to devour me?"

"I... like you. I'd like to--"

"Eat me? I have heard stories of humans who resort to cannibalism when faced with starvation but you have plenty of--"

"I don't want to eat you. I want to... get to know you better."

"I am Commander Schrute, the chief science officer of the USS Enterprise. My mother is human. My father is Vulcan. I was educated on Vulcan. I am lactose intolerant. My blood type--"

"Not like that. I want to spend time with you... as a friend."

"Why?"

"Frankly, I don't know why."

"Then you should probably not do so. To do something without knowing the reason is--"

"Illogical. And only a fool rides a horse named Illogic."

"I have never understand why humans name racing horses so strangely. It is a barbaric sport in and of itself without the ridiculous names."

"It's an expression. It means that only an idiot would act illogically."

"So, in your own estimation you are an idiot."

"I will be in a minute."

"What do you mean? Why are you putting your lips on mine? Do you have poison on your—mmmph. Oh. What do you call that?"

"A thimble."

"A thimble? That is a very odd--"

"No... That was a joke."

"A joke? But you said it was a thimble!"

"No. Saying that it was a thimble was a joke."

"So what was it?"

"That, Mr. Schrute, was a kiss."

"How very strange. Is that customary of your people?"

"Yeah. It's sign of affection. Didn't your mother ever kiss your father?"

"No. I have yet to see them in the same room together with the exception of pon farr."

"Pon farr?"

"It is the Vulcan mating period that occurs every seven years."

"So... um... when are you going to... pon farr?"

"The blood fever will begin in about three months."

"Do you have, like, an exact date?"

"Captain, why are you getting out your calendar?"

"No reason."

"You do many things without knowing the reason. Sometimes you have appear to have no reason at all. This--"

"Is illogical, I know."

"I going to say, this makes you an idiot but illogical works as well."

"Why were asking the crew about me?"

"I find that you are a very... unconventional leader. I was simply surveying the crew to see if any shared my opinion."

"I can understand that you'd be angry that I got the job instead of you when Dunder retired but you can't go around damaging moral by questioning my authority."

"I am not angry that you are leading the ship instead of me. I am a Vulcan. I don't get angry. And I have never wanted to be the captain."

"Come on, you were always kissing Dunder's ass!"

"I did no such thing! He did not even own a donkey!"

"You are an adorable little Vulcan, you know that?"

"Adorable? Is there a dual meaning of which I am unaware?"

"Schrute, for someone so smart you have a terrible grasp of the English language."

"I find that I speak English remarkably well."

"Half the time you have no idea what I'm saying. How do you and your mom communicate?"

"We speak in German and sometimes in Vulcan."

"Where'd you learn English then?"

"I took a class before I entered the academy."

"A class? One class?"

"Yes. Should I have taken more?"

"No. It's just I wouldn't be able to learn Vulcan from taking one class."

"It was a very long class. We were there for almost four Earth hours."

"You make me sick!"

"I should leave then. You could be allergic to my fabric softener."

"You use fabric softener?"

"Vulcans are touch telepaths and thus have very sensitive skin."

"So, if I touched your fingertips like this..."

"Oh."

"You're very warm."

"Vulcans have a higher body temperature that humans."

"That could be interesting."

"Would you object if we did a kiss again?"

"No. I don't think I would."

--

"I was unaware that that could happen outside of pon farr. How interesting. I shall have to contact my brothers about this development."

"You have siblings?"

"Yes. I have three brothers."

"Let me guess. You were all born seven years apart?"

"Yes. Exactly."

"Are you the oldest?"

"No, I am the youngest."

"So, you're the rebel, huh?"

"I am aware of the Earth theory that birth order has a psychological impact and, yes, I would be considered the rebel. My brothers all joined the Vulcan Science Academy as per family tradition. I chose a different path."

"Is that why you never visit your parents?"

"Yes."

"You're the black sheep... the outcast. I'm sorry."

"Why did you have a kiss on me? I estimate that neither of us will be able to copulate again for at least fifteen minutes."

"Sometimes, humans kiss because they want to comfort someone or just because they like them. It doesn't always have to be about sex."

"Oh. You can continue to kiss me as long as we will copulate again later."

"Sure."

"I think Lt. Martinez's grade of you was a bit harsh. You deserve more than a C."

"What?!"