Disclaimer: Anything and everything related to Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

A/N: This is an alternate ending for New Moon, where Bella questions her relationships with Edward and Jacob and can't decide who to choose. Just a little something for all the Team Jacob members out there (: Hope you all enjoy!

Chapter 1: Grudges and Grievances

"I'm sorry, Jacob. It's just something I have to do." I grabbed his warm hand and pulled it to my face so I could kiss the back of his palm. I didn't look him in the eyes because I didn't want to see the hurt there, the pain that I was inflicting. I quickly wrapped my arms around his waist before pulling away and sprinting off to the waiting Mercedes.

"Bella, let's go!" Alice called from the driver's window, impatient and looking distraught. I shoved myself into the black car, and Alice stepped on the gas before my door was even closed.

"Take care of Charlie!" I yelled to Jacob, as we cruised down the slick road. I whipped the tears from my eyes, but they were flowing out endlessly. My vision was blurry, but I caught a glimpse of a white object on the edge of the trees. A piece of a shoe.

The flight to Italy seemed unending. Alice sat unmoving in the seat next to mine, concentrating on her visions. Edward's actions were unpredictable at the moment, and that made my nerves spike uncontrollably. What would happen if we were too late? I couldn't think about it. I concentrated on the flight attendant who was handing out pillows to groggy passengers. I noticed for the first time that it had turned to night.

When the plane landed in Florence, Alice disappeared as I paced back and forth in front of the airport. A few people rushed through the doors to their waiting cars, wearing long red capes and clutching a mysterious shopping bag that looked like it contained cloves of garlic. I narrowed my eyes at the sight, and tilted my head. Surely, Italian people didn't dress so oddly.

At that moment, a flashy yellow Porsche screeched to a stop, and the passenger door flew open.

"Get in!" Alice hissed as I hurried my way to the ostentatious car. We sped our way through the streets of Florence when Alice pointed to a beautiful city in the distance.

"Volterra," she stated, and my heart rate spiked erratically. "Get a hold of yourself, Bella!" Alice could hear my heart pounding, and she turned to look at my worried expression. Her big golden eyes softened. "Don't worry, it will be okay. But I need you. Edward needs you." I nodded and focused my attention on the approaching city walls. Alice was giving me directions on where to find Edward, teaching me how to say "the clock tower" in Italian in case I needed to ask for instruction.

Once we got into the walls of Volterra and Alice conned her way passed the security guard, I started off running toward the clock tower. I pushed passed herds of people, all dressed in red clocks and carrying various items like rosary beads and fake teeth. I finally understood the family at the airport; they were celebrating the occasion that was taking place here today, St. Marcus Day.

I searched frantically as I shoved through the crowd. I trudged through the icy waters of a fountain and catapulted myself into the large mass of people, while screaming desperately for Edward. When I saw his stone figure standing in the shadows, looking down at his feet with his white button down in his hand, a mixture of emotions flitted through my mind. But I pushed them all aside and threw myself into his body before he stepped into the sunlight. Our short reunion seemed almost blissful, and I couldn't remember anything that happened in the past year when I looked into his eyes.

The rest was a complete fog in my memory. I was so disoriented that I couldn't really contemplate Edward's cold hands wrapped around me as we were led underground and stood before the three Volturi ancients and their guard. I was nearly unconscious on the walk back out to the city, impaired from trauma and sleep-deprivation. The car ride to the airport, and then the flight back to Forks were all a blur.

The next morning, I woke up dazed and confused. I turned over in my bed, pulling my covers up over my head, and came in contact with an icy hand. I jumped, frightened, threw my eyes open and stared into liquid gold.

"Did I frighten you?" His velvet voice was soothing and quiet, and his face was thoughtful. I smiled for a quick moment before jumping out of bed, pulling the sheets with me and leaving Edward exposed on my bed. The 14 hours of sleep suddenly put everything into perspective, and I was sharply focused and concentrated.

Edward's serene face turned to one of worry as he stared at me standing beside the bed. "Are you alright?" He asked honestly, sounding concerned. Charlie's muffled snores echoed through the walls as I glanced at the clock, 1:10 a.m.

I glowered at him. "No, I am not alright." I practically spit the words at him. "Why the hell would I be alright, Edward?" Edward, looking alarmed and conflicted, got out of bed and flitted over to where I stood. He lifted his arm to gently caress my cheek, but I slapped him away. His face looked so hurt, that I felt terrible for a moment. I wanted to take back what I said, but I couldn't. A few words were nothing compared to the hurt he had caused me. A few words filled with hatred would have been a nice relief from the gaping hole that had ripped at my chest endlessly. The hurt of a few words could dissipate quickly; the hurt I had experienced had me permanently scarred.

Maybe in this moment Edward had forgotten why he'd left. Maybe he actually cared about me again. But it didn't matter. I don't think I could forgive him.

Edward spoke in a low, anxious voice. "Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so hesitant, so careful. Was that because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Can you still love me, after everything I've done to you?

I shook my head and closed my eyes. "I'm sorry," I said, and even though I couldn't pull him into my arms and tell him everything was okay, I did mean it. I opened my eyes again to see him staring at me, a hard mask on his face trying to disguise the pain. "I think you should go."

He nodded without a word and left through my open window, disappearing into the dark night. I crawled back into bed, and rolled up into a ball. The hole in my chest re-emerged, the edges inflamed. But this pain felt a little different. I thought of Charlie, sleeping ignorantly in the next room. I thought of Emily, and all the wolf boys I had grown to love like family. I thought of Jacob, my safe harbor, the savior that had sheltered me through my darkest night. The hole, this time, wasn't as demeaning. It felt like maybe, after all, I could heal.

***

I got up at around 5, at a more reasonable hour, to take a shower. I lingered in the hot water, letting the steam envelop me and wash away all the thoughts and emotions I had to sort through. When I walked out of the bathroom, wearing baggy sweats with a towel wrapped around my damp hair, my father was waiting in the hallway. He looked uncomfortable, angry and relieved all at the same time.

"Um Bells, we need to talk," he stated with authority, using the tone of voice he usually saved for his job as Chief of Police. Uh-oh. I was hoping this conversation would be put off a little longer, but it was probably better to get it over with.

"Sure, Dad." He waved me down the stairs, and I followed him into the kitchen. The sink was full of dirty dishes, and there were stacked pizza boxes in the corner. Charlie looked distressed, and I finally fathomed what my unexplained trip to Italy has caused him.

"Dad, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? Would you like to explain to me where you have been? I come home from Harry's funeral, funeral, and Jacob tells me you've run off with Alice Cullen and that he thought you were in trouble. All you left was a note saying who you were with, not where you were going, or for how long, or if you were even coming back. Do you have any idea how worried sick I've been?" As I listened to him rant, I felt awful for leaving him so unexpectedly. I hated myself, knowing that I must have caused unwanted memories to reappear. Memories of last spring, when I walked out because I was secretly being hunted by a sadistic vampire, or from nearly two decades ago, when my mother had left, taking me with her.

The trip had been necessary, though. Of course, I would never be able to fully explain the details to my father. It was against the rules for him to know about the secretive world of vampires. I didn't think I could explain the human reasons behind the trip either though. I needed Edward to be alive, I was thankful that I had saved him. I just couldn't let myself fall back into loving him, when I had mourned so relentlessly over his absence. It was irrational, but justified. I couldn't let myself feel that level of pain again.

"Dad, I am truly sorry. I should have called, and assured you I was okay. But I had to go, Edward was in danger and I was the only one who could help him."

"Danger?" Charlie asked. "What do you mean?"

"Well," I tried my best to sound convincing. "Rosalie had told him that I jumped off the cliff…" When I saw his eyes bug out I remembered that I hadn't told him about the cliff. I ignored that for now and continued. "See, he thought I was trying to kill myself, and he was, well, taking drastic measures in response to the news."

"Were you trying to kill yourself, Bella?"

"No, Dad, of course not. Just fooling around with Jake. The boys down at La Push go cliff diving all the time." He seemed to accept my answer, and then his face turned to anger.

"I don't want to see Edward Cullen in this house ever again. Do you understand?" His cheeks were red and his voice was stern.

"I know, Dad, I don't want that either." Did I? No, I couldn't. Could I? I was so conflicted with emotions. Seeing Edward had made things very clear, and then very muddled. Being away from him had been the worst thing imaginable, worse than being under Jane's torturing power, I assumed. But after being with him, for just a few hours, my need for him was slowly crawling back to the surface. But there was something pushing it aside; the anger I felt toward him.

There was one person that I desperately needed to see. Someone who would help me figure everything out. The same person who had helped me pick up the shattered pieces of my life. My own personal sun; my Jacob.

"Dad, I'm heading down to La Push."

His eyes narrowed disapprovingly. "Don't you think it's a little early?"

"This is important, I need to see Jake." He nodded in understanding and watched me walk out into the pouring rain. I kept my head low as I jogged to my truck, but stopped when I saw a glossy black vehicle parked behind it. Déjà vu filled my head, and then my heart jumped nervously. I calmed down when I took a closer look at the driver, and smiled at her spiky black hairdo. I rushed over to the driver's side and she rolled down the window.

"Alice, what are you doing here?" It then hit me that she had probably seen and heard everything. I wondered what she thought of me. I would probably hate me. At that moment, I couldn't decide if I hated myself.

"Let me explain…" but she raised her hand to cut me off.

"Bella," she said softly. "You don't need to explain anything. When we left, we had no idea of the damage we would leave behind. But that doesn't excuse the fact that we did. Edward feels sick beyond reason, but he understands. You've been through so much, I know that, and I am sorry. I just wanted to say that any pain we caused you was completely unintentional, and I hope at the very least, that you will be able to forgive me, and that we could still be friends."

I was surprised by her words, and spoke quickly to assure her penetrating gaze. "Of course, Alice! I know it wasn't your fault. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't be your friend!" Her shoulders relaxed as relief washed over her face. I shot her a shy smile, and her answering smile was brilliant.

Alice seemed to remember something and her lips turned down into a disturbed frown. "Bella, you don't understand how much he hates himself. If you would just let him explain, maybe…"

"Alice," I couldn't even think about it logically right now. "I can't. Not now." She nodded in understanding.

"Well, I'll let you continue with whatever you were doing before I interrupted. I'll see you tomorrow!" She was back to being her chipper little self, but something in her expression seemed unsure. When she pulled out of the driveway, I climbed into the cab of my rusted old truck and started driving south toward the sanctuary of the Quileute Reservation.

My noisy truck chugged down the winding roads of La Push, announcing my arrival. Jacob was perched on his front steps, wearing nothing but jean cut-offs, his black ponytail dripping with rain.

"I'm surprised to see you here."

"I needed to come talk to you."

He got up off the step and walked over to me. "So what happened? Did you tell him he could go fuck himself?" He said angrily through clenched teeth.

"In not so many words."

Jacob looked up unexpectedly. "Are you serious? You didn't just forgive him?"

I shook my head. "I didn't really say much. He asked if I could love him again, and I said I was sorry, and that I thought he should leave." Jacob's smile softened all his features as he pulled me into a tight bear-hug.

"Can't breathe!" I reminded him, and he laughed but pulled away, keeping my hand. He was still smiling, not his hard Sam smile, but his real Jacob smile. I would do anything for that smile.