WARNING: This fic will be completely OOC, AU, unBETA'd, and other fun acronyms like that. If you can't handle that, I suggest you leave before I sic one of my balrogs on you *innocent smile*. I do not promise these to be knee-slappingly funny, nor do I promise to stick to canon.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Tolkien's, I just like to borrow the characters and setting and manipulate them for my own enjoyment.
*~*Ask Lord Elrond any and all of your most personal questions! Go on, it's easy! Just slip your anonymous letter in the box stationed outside of his office and expect a reply within the week. No tampering with other's letters, please (this means you, Elladan and Elrohir!!)*~*
Dear Elrond,
I am an elf in love with a mortal. Whenever we talk about the future, he freezes up and refuses to talk about it. Not only am I starting to think I was just an easy lay, but I am so desperately in love despite the fact that our relationship working out is so improbable. My father is furious with the idea and, though I'd willingly give up my entire family, life and culture for this one man who will die in only a few short years, I don't know what to do.
Oh, and he is also my foster brother. But I don't really think that makes much of a difference.
Please help!
Uneven Star
***
Dear Uneven Star,
You should immediately end your relationship with this man and forget you ever knew him. Go to Lothlórien, put up your feet, relax a bit, and find a nice, suitable elf to marry (preferably of some level of nobility, though that isn't imperative).
Oh, and incest is frowned upon in even the darkest of societies, so it worries me that you don't find this to be a problem.
Lord Elrond
Dear Elrond,
I am only a floating, flaming eyeball, but I still have feelings. My minions forget about me all the time and I am often not invited to afternoon tea, despite the fact that I could keep said tea warm all evening. If they aren't neglecting me, they are having tournaments to see who can get closest to me without being burned or who can throw rocks directly in the center of my pupil. What can I do to stop this bullying?
OneRingToRuleThemAll
***
Dear One Ring,
Have you sat down (or, er, hovered closer to the ground) to talk with your minions about what is bothering you? Perhaps they are frightened of you. You are, after all, attempting to take over Middle Earth and all of its inhabitants. Maybe if you weren't so powerful, they would be more inclined to include you in their fun; my advice is to destroy the one ring, implode all over Mordor, and have fun with your orcs.
Lord Elrond
Dear Elrond,
No matter where I go, whether it is to practice archery, dine in the main hall, or take a nice, relaxing walk in the gardens, I am constantly being followed by scary, American teenage girls. They giggle madly at everything I say and wear the most disgusting, revealing clothing! I am not interested in any of them but am too polite to refuse their advances (and, for Eru's sake, I am over 3,000 years old. Do they honestly think I would bond with a 14 year old?) and am truly becoming frightened of their insistence. Help!!
DesperateBlonde
***
Dear Desperate,
If you stopped being so yummilicious and reeking of princely gorgeousness, perhaps the young ladies would retreat. Try refraining from bathing and washing for a few days and see if they can tolerate the smell. If that doesn't work, maybe you should finally pick a bride (because, honestly, Legolas, your father is desperate for grandchildren) and show all of Middle Earth that you are not interested in said frightening American adolescents.
If all of those don't work, you should locate Orlando Bloom, fashion him in your tunics and leggings, and send him into the heart of Mirkwood where he can be attacked by scary fangirls. Best of luck to you.
Lord Elrond
Dear Elrond,
I am desperately, passionately and madly in love with you. I have been for many years, and never had the courage to tell you. I know your wife is merely in Valinor, and you are going to see her in a few years and are still bonded with her, but if you were ever interested in dating again, I would be more than willing to oblige.
With all of my love,
Mirror Image
***
Dear Mirror Image,
I am flattered by your confession, but, as you pointed out, I am happily married and not at all interested in dating again. I kindly suggest you try dating other elves, or perhaps buy yourself a nice cat to keep you company.
Lord Elrond
Dear Elrond,
I am only seventeen years old, but am faced with the task of finding five horcruxes in order to kill a mad wizard who is trying to take over the world. In addition to that, I am expected to decipher the rambling messages of my crazy old headmaster who died before being able to explain anything to me. How should I go about doing this?
Oh, and I have an awful scar on my forehead that everyone stares at, I don't have any parents to talk about my problems with, the girl I fancy is out of my reach and everyone I love ends up dying before they manage to convey anything of importance to me.
Please help!
TheBoyWhoLived
***
Dear Harry (for there is no point in being discreet, no one in this world knows who you are anyways),
First, I would get the hell out of Middle Earth and return to your own story. You won't solve any of your problems by hanging around here. Second, maybe you should go talk to the portrait of your dead headmaster hanging in his old office and ask your questions.
Your scar can't be helped; you might as well live with it. (If you haven't gotten used to it by now, maybe you can try covering it up with some makeup. Just a dash of skin toned foundation and voila! Instant coverage.) I understand you have no parents, but don't you have about three dozen adults who would more than willingly fulfill your every wish?
And as for the girl you fancy being unattainable (which we all know isn't true for a stud-muffin like you) you should talk to Legolas, as I'm sure he would be more than willing to give you one or more screaming fangirls to take home with you.
Lord Elrond
This letter sent courtesy of Círdan, who is intercepting all advice letters from Valinor.
Dear Elrond,
I know you were not expecting me back, but I decided after much thought that my poisoned wound really wasn't that bad, and have returned to Middle Earth. If you would be so inclined as to return to our bedroom, take off your robes and greet me properly, I would be much obliged.
Sincerely,
Celebrían
***
Lord Elrond's reply was cut short as he ripped off his clothing and ran from his office. Please stand by.
A/N: Well, that's all for today, but many more to come! Hope you enjoyed!