Disclaimer: I don't own TDI, Harold, Dante's Inferno, or references.

Author's Note: Where did all my reviewers go? I only got one review for chapter 4, while the other three chapters got, like, six reviews each. Was there a problem with the previous chapter? If so, I hope you like this one better.

Also, note that the next few chapters will have a lot of stuff from Dante's Inferno (It's what Harold's going to be dreaming about), so if you don't like people talking about Hell or religious references (which I'll try to use minimally), you might want to wait until the "Dodgebrawl" chapters to open your eyes. Or you could read a Care Bears fanfic again.

Island of Idiots

Chapter 5: The Origin of Dirty Harold

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BONK! The sound of six people (including me) hitting their heads on the beds above them resonated through the Bass cabin. I grasped my head, trying to get rid of the throbbing ache now coursing through it.

"GAWDAMMIT CHRIS!" Eva roared. "STOP WAKING US SO F&CKING EARLY!!!!!" Looks like someone really hates waking up early…I mean, even more so than usual.

Tired and cranky, then ten Bass members got on their clothes and…uh oh.

"WHERE IS MY SWEATBAND?!!!" Man, Eva's got some serious anger issues. "I NEED MY SWEATBAND!!!"

Duncan sighed. "Have you tried your suitcase, sunshine?" Have I told you that Duncan is an idiot? Well this just proves it.

"I don't know…MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE A LOOK!!!!!" Duncan dodged the flying suitcase just in time (that sucks), and it broke the window.

BZZZT!

Alright, the Confessionals are open again! Although it took me twenty minutes to get in here because of Courtney's ranting…

"It's day two," I told the camera, "and I'm ready to rock! I lost my best friend, Zeke, last time, so now I've got to play for him, and win! Whatever today's challenge is, BRING IT!"

BZZZT!

Well, this is a boring challenge so far. We were just standing in line! Why did Chris want to wake us up so early if he wouldn't show up? Maybe he wants to be the only one to get beauty sleep. And we had to pay for it by being bored.

Well at least Eva sort of had the right idea. She was listening to an MP3 player. I wonder what kinds of music she listens to…punk? Heavy metal? Weird Al?

Though at least I was smart enough not to ask.

Cody from the other team looked at the musical box in interest and took a closer look, his fingers wiggling. Naturally, Eva gave him a very fierce growl.

"Mornin' campers!" Finally Chris was here, looking jovial and well-rested. "Hope ya slept well!" Well, I slept well for like, two hours.

"Hi Chris," …Her name was Heather, right? "You look really buff in those shorts." And the point of that was…?

"I know! Okay, I hope you're all ready because your next challenge starts in one MINUTE!" ONE MINUTE?! Then why didn't you just tell us twenty minutes ago when…never mind.

Owen said something stupid, then Chris explained our next challenge: a twenty kilometer run around the island. Gosh, I'm not sure if I can do that…

"Oh, so you're funny now!" Eva was angry, yet again, and advanced towards the host, ready to kill. She was held back though…what a shame. "You know what I think would be funny?"

"Eva!" Courtney hissed to her. You know, what's funny is that when most people whisper to other people you can't hear them, but Courtney's whispers are so shrill you can hear them anyway. "Try to control your temper!"

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?!!" Uh, I don't think she's trying to control her temper.

Chris smirked. "A little." Aha, so he admitted it! Too bad I didn't have my video camera…oh wait; I don't need a video camera! The show itself recorded that! Aha!

---

All the campers lined up at the starting line. Some were crouching. Others (namely me) were just standing, dreading this moment.

You see…I'm more of a "Do things in spurts" kind of guy. When my adrenaline pumps through my veins, when I need a short fight or flight mechanism, or when just performing an awesome skill, I do fine. But when I do strenuous activity for more than twenty or thirty minutes in a row, my mental issues kick in. Even if I walk for too long without water, I get these cramps in my lungs and my heart beats funny. Asthma and hypoglycemia are the pits.

"Okay runners!" Chris announced. "On your marks, get set…GO!"

Well, here goes. I saw the other campers whiz right past me as they actually decided to RUN the twenty K's. Even Tyler, who had the most horrible running posture I've ever seen, passed me without a problem. At least I'm not the only one who was walking. Let's see…there's Gwen, Heather, LeShawna…the twins…Noah…How long have I been walking? Thirty seconds. Hoo boy, this is going to be a looooooong day…

---

Alright, I'm at the two K mark. And I'm already tired. Great…

"Do you know how much longer?" I asked whoever was next to me. Gwen. Hmmmm…I never talked to her before.

"Don't walk beside me." Okay, maybe there was a good reason I never talked to her before.

---

A few minutes later I came across Owen who…was lying in a shallow stream, licking up water like a dog.

"Oh…Hey…Harold…" he greeted through panting breaths. "I'm…just…taking…a…short…break…"

I shrugged. I felt for the guy. "Mind if I join you?" I sat down besides the tub of lard and sipped some water of my own. I didn't lick it up like a dog, though.

"No…problem…man…"

---

Alright, I'm on my way! Just gotta keep going! Just gotta…man, my legs are starting to hurt…

---

"Hey Harold!" Owen greeted as he passed me.

I groaned.

---

Gosh, how long have I been walking? The sun was harsh now, so it must be at least ten…when did the race start? Six? It's been four hours?!

---

My breathing was really starting to constrict now. I tried to distract myself by classifying all the trees I passed…but they were all either pines or oaks. Booooooring.

---

Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Let's see how long I can think the word "bored" before getting bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. I'm bored.

---

White and Nerdy, I'm just so White and Nerdy, I'm just too White and Nerdy. Been browsin' my X-Men comics ya know I collect 'em. Yeah, I collect X-Men comics. The pens in my pocket I must protect them. No, I don't have a pocket protector. My ergonomics keyboard never leaves me bored. I'm bored right now!

---

Let's see…we're probably going to lose this challenge because of me…oh crap, I might get voted off! Unless I manage to get people to vote off Courtney…somehow.

---

What is the meaning of life, anyway? Is it to live life in the greatest way you possibly can, meaning that you take advantage of all possibilities to make yourself happy without negative consequences? Or is what the Catholics say is true, and we have to live our lives by helping people and being faithful to God in order to spend an eternity in heaven? That's a very good question…

---

Words that start with X…xylophone, Xerox, X-ray, X-mas, Xavier, Xena, xenon, xenophobia, xanthum gum, xither…wait, that's spelled with a Z…whatever. Xucchini, xebra, Xackary, xip, xap, xero, xoo, xygote, xephyr…

---

Thump thump, thump thump, thumpthumpthumpthump, thumpthumpthump, thump. Ugh, my heartbeat's going all irregular! Please tell me this race is almost over…please…

---

There it is! The Mess Hall! I'm going to make it! I'm going to make it! Am I going to make it?

---

I made it!

"What took you so long?!!" Gosh Courtney, have some sympathy for me! "We just lost the challenge!"

I clutched my chest and took as deep a breath as I could, but it hardly felt satisfying. My asthma was on full force. "I think I'm having heart palpitations!"

"Hey, wait a minute…" That was Gwen. "If they lost, that means we won the challenge!" Great, Zeke leaves first and I'm going to leave second. Isn't life grand?

Then Chris said the best thing he ever said. "Hold your horses, guys! That wasn't the challenge!"

That…wasn't the challenge?

I felt a beam of concentrated happiness and relief hit my chest. That wasn't the challenge! I didn't cost my team the challenge! Yes! Even my asthma and heart palpitations seemed to be improving!

Then Chris revealed the banquet, and my chest nearly exploded out of joy.

It looked like a Thanksgiving dinner cooked by the gods. The turkey was huge and cooked golden brown to perfection. The stuffing was steaming and sizzling in tastiness. The cranberry sauce was bright magenta. There were even baked beans and maple syrup (though Owen finished off that before anyone else could get a chance)!

---

I didn't even pay attention to what I ate. All I knew was that I ate more delicious, satisfying food in that meal than I typically eat in a week. And given how the other 20 campers were lying around, happily moaning and clutching their full stomachs after the great meal was vanquished, I probably wasn't the only one.

"Okay campers!" Chris announced. "Time for part two of your challenge!"

"I thought eating was part two," Owen remarked, his cheeks still stuffed with baked beans and maple syrup. Meh…I thought it was too.

Turns out that the real challenge of the day was an Awake-a-thon. The camper to fall asleep last wins the challenge for their team. Sounds simple enough…if I wasn't already exhausted and still recovering from that walk.

I had no chance of winning this challenge, did I?

---

We must've been eating for a long time, because it was already dark when we went outside. Chris led us to the bonfire pit, then left us alone…except for the cameramen.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. A timer started. I wonder how long I'd last? Probably no longer than three hours.

---

Tock. Tick. Tock. Well, that's three hours, and I'm still awake. So is everyone else, actually. Man, if I thought the 20 K run was boring…I need something to do.

Beth was talking to Heather and big boobies chick (Let's see if I can remember her name…Leslie?). Cody was trying to hang out with Gwen and big headed guy (Trent, right?), who were talking to each other. Courtney was jogging in place. Eva was kickboxing with a tree. Zeke isn't here. Ah, Noah's free. Let's see how he's doing.

"What do you want?" he asked once I was within 5 meters of him. He seemed cranky (even more so than usual), which given the challenge made sense.

"…To talk?"

He gave me a very stern look. "You want me to help you get your mind running so you stay awake longer. May I remind you we're on opposite teams, thus I want you asleep?" Clever clever.

"No…but aren't I helping you stay up too?"

That got his attention. "You found the loophole? Very well; talk away."

---

"And then Duncan said that book smarts are useless!" I ranted, as Noah rested his head on his arm and his eyelids drooped. "And kindness gets you killed!"

When Noah didn't answer for a few seconds, I worried that he might've fallen asleep. But he proved that wrong when he slowly lifted his head and let out a yawn.

"I can't say anything about kindness," he mumbled, "But as for the book smarts? I believe Duncan is unacquainted with my good friend William Gates."

I chuckled. For his crabbiness and grumpiness, not to mention he's on the other team, Noah's good to talk to.

---

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Ding! "Congratulations campers!" Chris greeted. "Every single one of you passed the twelve-hour mark!"

Most of us responded with a weak cheer due to our exhaustion. However, Owen went all out.

"Stay awake for twelve hours?" he shouted, "I can do that in my sleep!" Uhhhhh…no, you can't. "WOOHOO!"

Then he fell asleep.

---

"And then the quantum particle generawawa muhmuhmum…" And Noah fell asleep in the middle of our fascinating discussion of science fiction physics. Great, now I was tired AND alone. Only one thing to do now…

---

Heather paced in front of…Lizzie? and Beth, strategizing I guess. "…anyone who breaks the rules will be thrown out of the alliance AND become a target the next time we vote someone out." She's heading an alliance? Not my team, so not my problem. "Got that?"

Beth nodded her head vigorously, looking very excited.

"And you, Lindsay?" Ah, so her name's Lindsay! Alright, I think I've got everyone's name now!

"Uhhhh…" Lindsay placed a finger on her chin. "I think so…but what if, like, someone else wants to join the alliance thingy?"

Heather scoffed. "I chose you two specifically for the skills you attribute to the team, and me. I don't want more members, so any hopefuls with just have to deal with refusal."

"Ohhhhhhhhh…what's an alliance again?" Gosh, I thought dumb blondes only existed on TV…wait, this is TV.

Then she stood up, and naturally I transfixed my gaze on her boobies. They jiggled quite a lot.

"I need to go, like, really bad. Where's the Communion thingy again?"

Heather jerked her thumb to the right. "The COMMUNAL BATHROOMS are that way." And there goes my main form of entertainment.

Unless…

"HEY!" Uh oh, Heather must've spotted me. "What do you think you're doing, alpha geek?"

I was too tired to say anything except, "Boobies."

SLAP! "Go away, you pervert!"

---

My vision was beginning to get hazy. Colors swirled within my eyes as I chanted to myself to stay awake. The last thing I remember was seeing some apples…they looked so juicy and plump and moist, and they turned purple, and I'm really hallucinating now. Gosh, I'm so tired…

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

The wind whipped through my hair as my motorcycle cleaved through the streets. There was no traffic; just me, my awesome hog, and the wild untamed road. VRRRM VRRRM! I love the sound of a revving engine in the morning. But hearing engines rev is not the reason I was here. Nope. I'm a rebel with a cause, a bad cop with a mission, an anti-hero. They call me…Dirty Harold.

I placed my foot on the pavement and the motorcycle stopped, as if it read my thoughts. I turned and saw the blackness of a dirty alley creep onto the sidewalk. I walked inside the abyss, and heard some voices.

"Gimme yer lunch money, kid!"

"No! Please! Leave me be!"

"Haha, as if you can do anything about it!" Punching sounds. Crying. More punching. A few cracks. More crying.

It was time to make my presence known. "Ahem."

The three bullies turned around, and gosh, were they the biggest, most muscular and tattooed bullies you've ever seen! The one in the middle was the biggest, though.

"Who the hell are you?" the left one asked.

"Ya mean ya don't know?" I asked with suaveness that I didn't even know I had. I took a comb, ran it through my hair a few times, then got out a pair of sunglasses. "The name's…" I placed the sunglasses on my face. "…Dirty Harold."

Then they attacked me, and I got out my nunchuks and swung them around. When they hit, the bullies vaporized into powder. The small nerd they were beating up leapt up to me and gave me a hug. "My hero!"

I smiled. "All in a day's work." Then the bullies returned, but they weren't bullies anymore. They were demons. Red skin, black horns, sharp tails, forked tongues, eye-less sockets. They were pretty frickin' scary.

"Dirty Harold!" the hat-wearing one spoke menacingly, with a smile much wider than any human could make. "So the legends are true!"

"The legends of his quest to defend all the nerds, dorks, freaks, and geeks of the world!" the big one added.

"And his magical nunchuks and ninja skills!" the small (though still large by human standards) one finished.

"Yeah, that's right!" I challenged, being ridiculously brave.

The hatted one smiled even wider. "Ah, that's good…Our master was seeking you. And I was getting hungry!"

"Tonight we dine in Hell!" the small one cheered.

"300 references ain't funny anymore, man," the large one said. And then I was whisked into…Hell, I guess. It was red and fiery, so I guess it was Hell.

If I thought those demons were scary, they were nothing compared to the leviathan I now faced. He was fifty stories high, with bulging muscles, fire escaping his eye sockets and nostrils, and a necklace of distorted human skulls.

"WHO DARES TO ENTER SATAN'S ABODE WITHOUT PERMISSION?" he asked, lowering his gigantic head to face me.

Okay, now I was scared. "D-d-dirty Harold?"

The beast quirked an eyebrow in confusion for a moment, before grinning menacingly at me. "OH YES! YOU'RE THAT GUY WHO RESCUES WIMPY NERDS FROM BULLIES WHILE TRYING TO LOOK LIKE A BADASS!"

"But I am a badass!" I argued.

"OH YEAH? LET'S SEE ABOUT THAT, SHALL WE?" Satan snapped his fingers and…whoa. She was incredibly beautiful, with a breathtaking body and clothing that left nothing to the imagination. My breathing started to quicken when she floated down nearly got in my face. She examined me for a few moments, then turned back to the devil.

"HONEY!" she shrieked, "YOU SAID HE'D BE HOT!" Hey!

He shrugged. "WHEN DID I SAY THAT?"

"TWO SECONDS AGO…ugh, forget it. He'll have to do." She turned back to me. "Dirty Harold, I am a succubus!"

"Yeah, and…?" Gosh, I hate her even more than that devil now.

"I'm going to-" (A/N: I had to block this out because it's WAY too inappropriate)

"Oh." I looked at her like she was joking, but it quickly became apparent that she wasn't. "Ohhhhhh. AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!" I ran far, far away.

The succubus watched me recede in the distance, then turned back to the devil. Again. "…WHY WASN'T HE ENTRANCED BY ME?!!!"

"HE MUST BE THE CHOSEN ONE," Satan mused.

"THEN DESTROY HIM!" The succubus foamed at the mouth.

"WAIT, WE CAN'T JUST DESTROY HIM! HE'S THE PROTAGONIST OF THIS DREAM, THUS HE MUST SURVIVE UNTIL AT LEAST THE CLIMAX!"

"…What do we do then?"

Satan thought for a moment. "WELL, WE COULD ALWAYS ASSIGN HIM TASKS TO BUILD CHARACTER. LOTS OF STORIES DO THAT WHEN THEY RUN OUT OF IDEAS."

The succubus crossed her arms and scowled. "I still say we should kill him now."

---

"Dirty Harollllllddddd…" A heavenly voice whispered into my ear, a voice that must've belonged to someone who was the ultimate good. "This is Queen Aaaaaappllllle…"

"Hello?" I asked, sticking a finger in my ear. Then I was taken aback as a woman materialized in front of me. She looked like a hologram of some ballroom princess, with a white gown and an apple motif.

"Save me Dirty Harold…save me…"

"What? But how?" I wanted to help this queen. She was pretty.

She flickered a few times before answering. "I'm being held captive by Satan and his bitchy succubus girlfriend…The door can only be opened with nine keys, each one guarded in one of the nine layers of Hell…"

"So this is Dante's Inferno?"

"I guess so." Queen Apple shrugged. "The journey will be perilous. Good luck, Dirty Harold…" She then faded from view. Then she came back. "Oops, forgot one thing. You can't do this alone, Dirty Harold…accept any assistance offered to you on your quest…" Then she disappeared for real.

I stood firm, resolve in my face. I couldn't allow this fair queen to be trapped and tortured by Satan! I must save her!

Wait…how do I get to each circle of Hell?

"A VERY GOOD QUESTION, DIRTY HAROLD." Satan materialized behind me, greatly spooking me. "YES, I CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS. ANYHOO, YOU MUST FIND THE HELLEVATOR TO GO BETWEEN LEVELS. BUT IT IS WELL HIDDEN!" It was then that I noticed Satan was holding something behind his back. "IN FACT, YOU MAY NEVER FIND IT! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

I frowned. "Is it behind your back?"

"UH…" Satan shifted his four eyes nervously. "MAYBE…"

Then I displayed my awesome skills by jumping atop the beast and sticking my katana in his shoulder. He let out a great roar in pain, which distracted him long enough for me to step inside the Hellevator.

Once the doors closed, I found myself bathed in relaxing muzak. I smiled as I casually read the buttons on the machine.

Level 1: Limbo. Home of atheists.

Level 2: Stormy Island. Home of the lustful.

Level 3: Garbage Dump. Home of the gluttonous.

Level 4: Rocky Plains. Home of the greedy and the wasteful.

Level 5: Styx. Home of the wrathful and the slothful.

Level 6: Pyramid of Flames. Home of heretics.

Level 7: The Terrible Trifecta. Home of the violent.

Level 8: The Even More Terrible Ten. Home of the fraudulent.

Level 9: The Core. Home of traitors.

Level 10: Satan's Lair. You are here.

Well, might as well start with the first floor then.

---

Ding! The doors opened to a vast, peaceful forest. Wait…THIS is part of Hell? It looked so…nice.

"BEGONE, FOUL BEASTS!"

Okay, maybe it's not so peaceful...

Then I saw a tree rustling, then one next to it, then the one next to it, and so on and so forth. The trees that were rustling were approaching me fast!

"Have you seen a legendary warrior around here?!" came the voice of a demon.

"Yea…I!" Wow, there's a legendary…excuse me, ANOTHER legendary warrior in there? I've got to help him!

"Hold on, dude!" I yelled, heading into the forest. "I'll help you beat those demons!" A few trees later and I saw those three demons I encountered earlier, plus some blur that was attacking them. He looked like he had them covered, but just in case I started swinging my nunchuks.

"There he is!" the small demon cried, pointing at me.

"That's right." I smirked. The demons charged at me, and I of course owned them with my awesome ninja skills. They vanished in smoke, and afterwards I got a good look at the other warrior.

He was tall, strapping, and was wearing a suit of armor made of wood. His long brown hair blew in the breeze, despite there being no wind at the moment. In his right hand he held a sword made of leaves (uh…yeah…) He also had a silhouette of a leaf on his helmet.

"I thanketh thee for the assistance," he greeted, giving me a bow, "But I dost not needed it, as I had the situation under control."

I smiled, and gave him a bow of my own. "Nothing for a fellow warrior…eth. Name's Dirty Harold."

The warrior's eyebrows jumped up. "Ah…I have heard of many of thy endeavors. Thou art very famous in Hell. Oh, and thou may calleth me…Sir Ezekiel of the Leaves."

Author's Note: Interesting dream, huh? That's what happens when you get heart palpitations, then eat a turkey dinner, then stay up for nearly 24 hours. And Harold studied Dante's Inferno in high school before joining the show in this story.

In case you haven't noticed, most of the people Harold meets in this dream are actually other campers. There'll be more later.

Small Demon=Tyler

Hatted Demon=Geoff

Big Demon=DJ

Satan=Duncan

Succubus=Courtney

Queen Apple=LeShawna

Sir Ezekiel of the Leaves=Ezekiel (duh)

Here's hoping for more reviews!