Devil May Cry Crossover with Discworld

Disclaimer: I do not and will probably never own either the Discworld or Devil May Cry.

Dante sighed it was hard to get good help nowadays. All he needed was an assistant type character to keep an eye on the phone when he was on a job. More importantly to make sure none of his new jobs were traps, which seemed to be happening more and more lately. The main problem was where to advertise he needed someone who had contact with the supernatural before so they wouldn't freak out when demons attacked. They would need some kind of training, the place was only just fixed up from the last demon attack, wouldn't do to get an assistant eaten by the next demon that pops in for a fight.

There was a sudden bolt of lightning outside, it was especially ominous because it wasn't raining, hell, it wasn't even cloudy. The hair on Dante's neck rose as some words implanted themselves in his head. Without even the common decency of going through his ears first.

"MMM, AN INTERESTING PROPOSITION"

"SQUEEK EEK SQUEEK EEEKK"

"ARE YOU SURE?"

"SQUEEK"

"VERY WELL"

There hadn't been any jobs for a couple weeks and Dante was getting bored, well not so much getting bored as much as running out of money for pizza. There was also the increasing pile of pizza boxes that were beginning to build and were threatening to topple over like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

There was someone approaching the building. The door grated against the floor as the cloaked figure walked in. His grip tightened on rebellion but all his senses reported that this one was completely human. The cloaked figure walked silently up to the desk and removed the hood. Dante was surprised to see a woman with white hair like his own only with a black streak through it. Dante gave the woman his famous grin, which she didn't seem impressed by and waved his hand in a suggestion that she sat down.

"What brings you to my humble work place." He asked as she lowered herself to the chair opposite his.

"I've heard that you need a secretary, I've come to apply for the job." Her voice was cold no emotion was held there.

"How did you hear about the job?" This woman was beginning to intrigue him he hadn't advertised anything yet, hell he hadn't even said anything out loud just thought about maybe hiring someone for the position and yet she had now turned up at his office wanting the job.

"Lets just say a little rat told me." There was defiantly a grimace on her face when she told him this. It made Dante wonder who told her about the job, what rat had told her about him. There were a few rats that came to mind but as far as he knew none of them had mind reading skills.

"Can you take care of yourself, I don't have time to look after a damsel in distress." He asked her mockingly, there was no way this one could hold her own in a fight. Standing up she barely reached his chin; her form was slight although she did carry a sword, which seemed to be decorated with skulls and bones. His glance at her sword did not go unnoticed; she stood up from the rickety chair and drew the sword in one graceful movement. It appeared to have no blade except when she moved it through the air a faint blue line appeared where the blade appeared to be. She walked up to the leaning tower of pizza boxes. It seemed to pass through the air as easily as it went through the boxes, at first Dante didn't think anything had happened but then a slight breeze cased the boxes to gently party in half and fall gracefully to the ground. He raised an eyebrow in speculation and wondered if it passed through other materials as easily as it had through the pile of cardboard.

"I'm able to defend myself from demon attack." There was a hard look on her face; Dante wondered how she managed to acquire such a look. That wasn't really any of his business though, he needed the help and so it looked like he had a new secretary or personal assistant, whatever their title was it looked like he had one.

"A months trial, if everything works out you'll be here permanent." The trail was just in case you never know when some demon tries to get past his barriers with a pretty face. Nothing drastic could happen in a month. It wasn't like she was related to something not human. A small smile graced her features for a fraction of a second before it disappeared.

"My name is Susan."

Strange how a month could change things around completely. For one thing there hadn't been a single attack on his business after one small one after Susan had started. All the business that had come his way had been thoroughly checked and cleared by Susan. He wondered how she managed to find out all the details on the jobs. Just last week she told him that this one job in California had been a complete set up and the target was someone called 'the slayer'. Little blonde thing apparently packed a punch, oh well he disliked taking jobs out for females. Anyway, the one who had tried to hire him Wilkins or Silkins wanted her to be removed before a certain date, he ended up refusing, even with the tempting pay packet.

The way she dealt with both Lady and Trish was unusual to say the least. Dante by this point was so used to them sponging off him that he practically set aside money for it. Susan with very little difficulty managed them to move out of his place but also pay back all the money he had lent them. That had to be some kind of miracle, but it was probably something to do with that strange voice she occasionally used. It had never been used against him but it was very effective against Lady and Trish. When she used it her voice sounded like it was being carved into his brain, like a mason would carve on to a slab of marble. Her eyes changed colour at the same time, well not so much changed colour as looked as it a tiny blue explosion had taken place inside her eyes as well as the faint suggestion of a skull.

There were some strange things about her, like her dislike of Christmas. When he asked her about it she just said she had a bad experience during the festive season and muttered something that sounded like 'hogs watch' under her breath. There was also the time that a horse came to pick her up. She said something about her grandfather sending him to pick her up. It wasn't a normal horse that was for sure; for one thing it was white, not dappled grey but 'I just bleached my teeth and they are now extremely shiny' white and for another when it first arrived its hooves were not touching the ground. As if it suddenly realised gravity existed its feet landed on the floor. The final proof that made him certain this was no normal horse was the fact that its name was Binky; no ordinary horse could carry such a name and be normal.

She didn't even flinch at the sight of blood or his demon form. It had been a what seemed like a typical job taking out a demon summoner. He had been summoning hoards of minion class demons which were easy to kill but a bitch in a large group mainly because they would attack in a swarm and would bite him in some more delicate pats of his anatomy. Until the guy had summoned something too powerful for his own good and it had bitten of the guy's head and torso in one bite followed quickly by his legs. It was a son of a bitch to kill and had almost bitten off one of his arms. He had to transform in order to heal enough for arm to heal enough not to fall off. Which was pretty much his condition when he came back, dragging a trail of blood behind him. She didn't look afraid or not recognise him which had happened before. Rather the only emotion he could recognised was anger for getting the floor dirty after she had cleaned it. She had calmly helped clean his wounds and then practically dragged him to bed and told him to rest.

Susan was now permanently hired, even with her eccentricities; she was reliable and could take care of herself. Which was evident when the building was attacked, he came down the stairs to see her decapitate the last of them with her weird sword. It didn't really remove its head the sword passed through the demons neck; it fell to the floor and turned to dust. She then nodded towards him in a greeting and sat back down at her desk and resumed work as if nothing had happened.

Another reason he had to keep her on, paperwork had seemed to appear from nowhere he was sure there wasn't as much before she arrived in fact the only kind of paper he remembered ever having was the threatening notes Trish and Lady sometimes sent him in order to get him to give them money or tell him there was a job and they couldn't be bothered waiting for him.

Oh well, all he knew was things had gotten a lot more interesting since she had arrived.