TAMAKI SUOU: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual, an ouran high school host club fanfic

D/C: I don't own Ouran High School Host Club. Although I'd gladly settle for one of the Hitachiin twins. And I don't own the idea of this story, either; it belongs to Theresa Green.

Hello! It's been a while since I've made an Owner's Guide, and I thought I'd start again by making one for Tamaki Suou - even though he's not my absolute favourite character from Ouran, I still like him! XD Well, anyway, I'll let you get on with the guide now. Enjoy!

Oh, and by the way, please note that I've only included details from the anime. If I was using the manga as reference, too, I would never finish!

TAMAKI SUOU: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

Congratulations!!! You are now the proud owner of the fully-automated TAMAKI SUOU unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your Host Club Chairman, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

Basic Information:

Name: Tamaki Suou (a.k.a. King, Lord, Idiot, Stupid Aunt, Tama-chan, Dad)

Date of Manufacture: The 8th of April.

Place of Manufacture: Paris, France.

Age: 17 years old.

Hair: Blond.

Eyes: Blue.

Height: 183 cm

Weight: Relatively light.

Length: Non-applicable.

Your TAMAKI SUOU unit comes with the following accessories:

One Ouran High School uniform.

A collection of costumes.

A wardrobe of expensive clothes.

A piano.

A cell phone.

A HARUHI FUJIOKA cosplay outfit.

Swimming shorts.

Tamaki Box.

Baseball Bat.

Eye drops.

One Bear Mechanical Pencil.

One Bunny Puppet.

One Pack of Brainteaser Rings.

Unpacking Your Unit:

When you first open the box containing your TAMAKI SUOU unit, you might be dazzled by his perfect smile and handsome looks. To avoid that, we suggest you put on a pair of sun glasses. You'll get used to it after a while, so you don't have to worry about keeping the glasses on all the time. You will also find (if you're a Commoner, that is) that he'll be very fascinated by you and your habits.

Do not mishandle, or drop, your unit while unpacking him…it would probably drive him to tears.

Programming:

Your TAMAKI SUOU unit is a very sophisticated person, and is not used to performing domestic chores such as cooking and cleaning. However, he is a very friendly person, and will be more than willing to assist you with more trivial matters. He will perform as follows:

Host/Escort: Being of French upbringing, your TAMAKI SUOU is quite an expert in the language of love. He knows exactly how to please any person he's with, whether that person is a female or a male. He's got a vast vocabulary of sweet and flattering words, and is probably the best person when it comes to sweet-talking. And with his dazzling appearance, you can guarantee that all the girls (or boys) would be jealous when they see you in his company.

Life Guard: The TAMAKI SUOU unit is a very good swimmer, and you can entrust him with your life. Do you have a pool and you're worried about your children going in there without supervision? Well, just put the TAMAKI SUOU on the job and rest assured that your kids will be in good hands. Also, this would be a perfect opportunity for you to see your TAMAKI SUOU unit half-naked; after all, the uniform consists of swimming trunks, right?

Dancing Trainer: The TAMAKI SUOU unit is an excellent ballroom dancer. He's practised in all sorts of dance types such as waltz and minuets, and he'll be more than delighted to teach you. In fact, if you don't allow him to teach you, he'll probably sulk in a corner and eat ramen noodles. Don't worry; the TAMAKI SUOU unit is an expert, so he won't step on your feet. If he does, it would probably be intentional.

Pianist: Your TAMAKI SUOU unit is also a musician! He has been playing the piano since he was a little boy, and he does it beautifully. Set your TAMAKI SUOU unit up with a piano anywhere, and we guarantee that the place will be flocked with people within minutes. If you have a pension, a coffee shop, a bar, etc, you can have your TAMAKI SUOU unit play the piano and you'll see how sales will shoot up right away!

Babysitter: Children are naturally fond of your TAMAKI SUOU unit…especially children who have never seen their older brothers because said brothers are always hiding in the dark, but…anyway. He will gladly babysit your children and your siblings, and because he's got such a good heart, he'll do that free of charge! However, please be aware that the TAMAKI SUOU unit is a real pushover, and if the children…say, ask for cookies, he'll get them a truckload of that stuff.

Soccer Player: The TAMAKI SUOU unit likes to play soccer, and he may be just great at it if it weren't for his lousy aim. He, however, has the Starlight Kick technique, which is a very powerful kick, so you can find other uses for that…I suppose. Be creative!

French Instructor: Your TAMAKI SUOU unit is actually half-French, half-Japanese, and he spent the better part of his life living in France, so he's well-acquainted with the French language. If you want to learn this language, then go ahead and ask TAMAKI SUOU to be your teacher. However, be warned that he'll probably only teach you how to sweet talk someone in French. That is all.

Your TAMAKI SUOU unit will come with five different modes:

Prince Charming (Default)

Dumb-n-Idiotic

Serious (Level 3 Lock)

Puppy Dog-Eyes

Angry (Level 5 Lock)

Please note that the Prince Charming setting and the Dumb-n-Idiotic setting are entirely different, no matter how similar they may appear to you. In the Prince Charming setting, the TAMAKI SUOU unit will be usually trying to win the heart of some girl, and it's a setting usually activated when your unit is playing the role of a Host/Escort. However, the Dumb-n-Idiotic setting would just involve your unit acting clearly as the name of the setting indicates - stupidly and idiotically. It's activated at random times, and sometimes both the Prince Charming and the Dumb-n-Idiotic settings may intermix, so be on the watch out for that.

The Serious setting is activated when the TAMAKI SUOU unit comes across someone who needs help. He will immediately get a serious look on his face and starts barking instructions left, right and center. He is pretty much collected and can take control of any situation, whether it's giving someone a makeover, helping them fish their school bags from the fountain, giving them directions to their daughter's school…he can do it.

Whenever the TAMAKI SUOU units wants something and doesn't get it, he activates the Puppy-Dog Eyes setting. In this setting, the TAMAKI SUOU unit will literally act like a puppy dog, giving you a cute expression which compels you to eventually do whatever it is that you refused to do for your unit. There is absolutely no resisting the Puppy Dog-Eyes, so don't even try.

The Angry is rarely ever activated, because the TAMAKI SUOU unit is usually a chipper character. However, if your unit feels that one of his friends is in danger, especially the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit, then your unit will lose his calm and will immediately build a temper and attack the assailant. Just because he's a rich kid doesn't mean that the TAMAKI SUOU unit doesn't know how to fight; he could truly kick your ass if provoked.

Relations with Other Units:

HARUHI FUJIOKA: This unit is your TAMAKI SUOU's "daughter", or so he likes to call her. The HARUHI FUJIOKA student is a commoner who managed to get into Ouran due to her high intelligence, and she's been the object of interest to your unit ever since day one. Don't tell him this, but the TAMAKI SUOU unit is actually in love with the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit; however, he chooses to interpret it as paternal love. Do not take the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit lightly, no matter how cute and adorable she may look to you; she can be quite lethal when she wants to be. Incidentally, she is the one the TAMAKI SUOU unit always aims to please.

HIKARU & KAORU HITACHIIN: The HIKARU & KAORU HITACHIIN units (they're inseparable; so they come as one collective item) are the bane of the TAMAKI SUOU unit's existence. They are mischievous, rude and sly tricksters, who always aim to make the TAMAKI SUOU's life miserable, whether it's by pulling tricks on him or by humiliating him in front of the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit. They are also what you may call "competition", as both the HITACHIIN units are romantically interested in the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit, which consequently drives the TAMAKI SUOU unit mad. It's best that you keep them away from your unit if you want to maintain his soundness of mind.

KYOUYA OOTORI: This is your unit's so-called "wife". The KYOUYA OOTORI unit is someone you wouldn't want to mess with; he's what you may describe as the "Shadow King"...always a few steps ahead of everyone else, and with connections that could either imprison you for life or banish you to the ends of the universe. The KYOUYA OOTORI also happens to be the TAMAKI SUOU's first and best friend in Japan. He always looks out for your unit's best interests and will make sure that no-one harms him in any way. He always refers to your unit as "Dad", and your unit refers to him as "Mom". They're really not married, mind you. Be sure not to allow your unit to wake up the KYOUYA OOTORI unit, if you care about your unit's mental well-being.

MITSUKUNI HANINOZUKA (a.k.a. HONEY): The HONEY unit is your unit's upperclassman, despite his appearance which gives off the impression that he's in elementary school. The HONEY unit is not all candy and flowers, he is also quite an expert in martial arts, and will whip your unit's ass if the need arises. Be careful not to let your unit wake him up, because the HONEY unit is usually very scary when he wakes up. Also, don't let him anywhere near your unit's teddy bear, because it's very likely that he may tear it apart.

TAKASHI MORINOZUKA (a.k.a. MORI): The MORI unit is another of your unit's upperclassmen. The MORI unit almost never talks, and resorts to nods and gestures to get his messages across. He always accompanies the HONEY unit and watches out for him. You don't have to worry about the MORI unit going berserk on you, because he's always quite calm. However, be sure never to let your unit harm the HONEY unit, or else you'll never hear from him again.

Other Unit Interactions:

YUZURU SUOU: This is the father of your TAMAKI SUOU unit. He happens to be the Chairman of the Ouran High School, and he is just as flirtatious as his son. He had an affair with a French lady while in Paris, and that resulted in the confinement of your unit. He often teases your unit and makes life hell for him, but don't worry; he loves him and won't cut him off from the inheritance…unless his grandma did that.

ECLAIR TONNERRE: Beware of the ECLAIR TONNERRE unit. She is a cold, sultry little bitch, who is the daughter of an important business partner of the SUOU FAMILY, and she will come to try and take away the TAMAKI SUOU unit away from the Host Club and to France, and your unit, wanting to please his grandmother, will just go with her without a complaint…so, no, you can't really charge her with kidnapping. Try to avoid her at all costs.

RENGE HOUSHAKUJI: The RENGE HOUSHAKUJI unit is the female manager of the Host Club, and will always pop out at random moments to comment on whatever event is occurring at the moment. Prior to her appearances, you will hear a motor being activated, and she'll just emerge out of the ground. Do not be alarmed; you won't have a whole in your floor. Also, the RENGE HOUSHAKUJI unit has the ability to stab your unit with fatal words or insults; your unit will brood for a while after interactions with her.

BENIO AMAKUSA: This is the TAMAKI SUOU unit's arch nemesis. The BENIO AMAKUSA unit who attends the St Lobelia Academy is a threat to your unit because she is always trying to steal the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit from him. He finds her especially threatening because the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit doesn't really understand the BENIO AMAKUSA's intentions, and could easily get swept away to the St Lobelia Academy. During first interactions, your unit will be temporary dysfunctional, but don't worry; he'll regain consciousness soon enough.

RYOUJI FUJIOKA (a.k.a. RANKA): This is the unit your TAMAKI SUOU unit should try his best to please, for the RANKA unit is the father of the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit, and to get anywhere within her, your unit will have to gain the RANKA unit's approval. Please note that the RANKA unit may cause your unit bodily damage (mostly by tossing him against walls), and will cause him emotional damage as well (mostly by insulting him). Try not to anger this unit, and never allow your unit to call the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit "his daughter" around the RANKA unit.

Cleaning:

Your TAMAKI SUOU unit is fully capable of washing himself and is aware of how to use the marvels of the modern day plumbing. Please note that the TAMAKI SUOU unit is used to having luxurious baths and dips in the Jacuzzi every evening, so be sure to install these if you don't have them. If you still wish to assist him further with the cleaning procedures, you will be required to ask a licensed fan fiction author for permission.

The TAMAKI SUOU unit is also capable of drying himself properly, once you provide him with clean towels. (100 % cotton, please - the finest quality) However, there should be any programming failure; you'll be required to rub the TAMAKI SUOU unit dry with a towel. Do not dry-clean unit. Do not tumble dry unit. Do not machine-dry unit. Do not hang unit on clothes line to dry; he will not appreciate it. Or else he may think it's some form of Commoner Logic.

Energy:

The TAMAKI SUOU unit, while used to fancy and exquisite meals, will just about eat anything as long as you tell him it's Commoner Food. Don't try to fool him with sushi or any such luxury/deluxe fish, and tell him it's something grand, because he will absolutely not fall for that. The TAMAKI SUOU unit is also used to eating a lot of cake and tea. Oh, and mind you, the TAMAKI SUOU unit prefers to eat from expensive china and with sterling silver. He's not stuck-up; he's just been raised like that.

Troubleshooting:

Problem: Your TAMAKI SUOU unit has started to disintegrate.

Solution: The reason your unit has started disintegrating is probably because the HARUHI FUJIOKA got mad at him. The only way you could stop the TAMAKI SUOU unit from disintegrating completely and disappearing into nothingness, is by convincing the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit to forgive him for whatever stupid stunt he pulled on her this time.

Problem: Your unit is being followed by a little blond girl who insists that TAMAKI SUOU is her brother.

Solution: This girl is the KIRIMI NEKOZAWA unit; she is the sister of the UMEHITO NEKOZAWA unit. She thinks that your unit is her brother because…well, he's blond. She will probably continue to follow your unit until you prove to her that he's not really her brother. In order to do that, you have to make the UMEHITO NEKOZAWA unit approach the KIRIMI NEKOZAWA unit and convince her that he's her brother. Until you achieve that difficult feat, you have to keep the KIRIMI NEKOZAWA unit with shoujo manga.

Problem: A scandalous article about the TAMAKI SUOU unit has been printed in the tabloids.

Solution: Oh no! It seems that the AKIRA KOMITSUZAWA unit and his Newspaper Club have finally managed to get one of their bogus stories printed in the papers! Unfortunately, we can't take back what has been printed, but we do have a solution for this problem. Contact the KYOUYA OOTORI unit right away and show him a copy of the article. The KYOUYA OOTORI unit will immediately launch a counter-attack, which involves him threatening the AKIRA KOMITSUZAWA unit and forcing him to print a public apology for the TAMAKI SUOU unit. Meanwhile, make sure your unit does not read any newspapers, because the shock of finding that he'd been betrayed would surely crush him.

Problem: The TAMAKI SUOU unit is acting like a complete robot.

Solution: There are two reasons why the TAMAKI SUOU unit is acting like a robot. One reason is he might've found out that he is in actuality not the father of the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit. Please try to fix that or else he'll be vaporized into nothingness. Another reason why he's acting like that may be because a certain RITSU KASANODA (nicknamed BOSSA NOVA) has found out that the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit is a girl. Not only did he find out she's a girl, but he also found that out by seeing the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit's virgin skin. And not only did he see her virgin skin, but now that the BOSSA NOVA unit knows that the HARUHI FRUJOKA unit is a girl, he now has romantic feelings for her. This really upsets the TAMAKI SUOU unit. In other words, it all comes down to the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit, so please fix any problems your unit has with her in order to restore balance and peace.

Problem: Your TAMAKI SUOU unit is wearing a suit and a top hat and demanding you take your pick from the bunny suit or the Alice outfit.

Solution: If you think that you're TAMAKI SUOU unit is going for some kind of foreplay, then get your mind out of the gutter. Your unit is a very intellectual character, and he's interested in English Classics and all forms of literature. He is probably dressed up as the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland, and all he wants you to do is dress up as the Rabbit or Alice so that you together can act out a scene from the story or something like that.

Problem: Your TAMAKI SUOU unit has been found making out with mannequins.

Solution: It seems like a simple case of the Eye of the Heart. Your TAMAKI SUOU unit has an inner eye known as the Eye of the Heart, and he uses it to view things for what they really are. While you think he's making out with mannequins, he probably believes he's making out with a certain brunette. If you find such scenes disturbing, then please send the TAMAKI SUOU unit back to us and we'll attempt to shut down the Eye of the Heart permanently.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: Hey, I ordered a TAMAKI SUOU unit and the package arrived yesterday and everything, but...there's one tiny little problem: I don't think the unit is really TAMAKI SUOU. He's blond and everything, yeah, but he's freakin' spooky! He wears this dark wig all the time and is always draped in a black robe and continues to hide in the shadows. I tried flashing a light at him and he positively freaked out. Oh, and he's got this cat...thing. What gives?

A: Whoops! It seems that you've received the UMEHITO NEKOZAWA unit by mistake! The UMEHITO NEKOZAWA unit, while his appearance maybe prince-ly, is the exact opposite of TAMAKI SUOU. He's the leader of the Black Magic Club, and he's absolutely obsessed with the occult; his vocabulary mainly consisting of occult-related words such as "wax dolls" and "voodoo". He is also absolutely terrified of any bright surroundings. Indeed, excessive exposure to sunlight might just go ahead and kill him. If you still wish to receive your TAMAKI SUOU unit, please send us back the UMEHITO NEKOZAWA unit and we'll ship you the TAMAKI SUOU unit - free of charge! Until then, however, be sure not to accidentally (or intentionally) step on the accessory, the "cat thing", which is called Beelzenef, actually. If you do, then you will be cursed. You've been warned.

Q: At random moments, my TAMAKI SUOU unit suddenly goes out of focus, and then gets this blissful sort of expression on his face. What's going on?

A: Ahh, at these moments, your unit would be lost in his Inner Mind Theatre, where he usually fantasizes about things and people...and the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit in particular. Please don't try to peek into the Inner Mind Theatre unless you're a mature adult, because some of its contents may be R-rated...which is more than what the anime network usually shows us. Don't worry; he snaps out of it fairly quickly.

Q: O-oy...where the hell are the mushrooms coming from? My house's basically infested with them!

A: Oh, yeah, that. We forgot to warn you that whenever the TAMAKI SUOU unit feels depressed or gloomy, he starts growing mushrooms around himself. Oh, yes, and he grows them pretty quickly, too. He also starts building hamster homes sometimes, but maybe he didn't reach that state yet. Unfortunately, this problem cannot be resolved. The good news is: you will never have to purchase mushrooms ever again! (Yes, they're perfectly edible.)

Q: How on Earth can I get my TAMAKI SUOU unit to stop obsessing over the Japanese culture? It's getting ridiculous!

A: You can't. You simply can't. Due to a lifetime of being deprived from his Japanese heritage, the TAMAKI SUOU unit will continue to obsess over every little aspect of the Japanese culture…unless he has exams, at which point he will ignore everything else just to focus on his exams. Or else, just lock him in a room with a kotatsu, a bunch of oranges and a TV, and you'll never hear a complaint from him again.

Q: The TAMAKI SUOU unit has gone missing! I can't find him anywhere! The only thing I found was his cell phone, and it was swimming in the fish tank! Is that some sort of hint?

A: Uh-oh. Has the ECLAIR TONNERRE unit made a certain appearance? If yes, then what are you still doing here? Go and fetch the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit immediately! The ECLAIR TONNERRE has kidnapped your TAMAKI SUOU unit and is planning to take him to France and marry him there, and if she does that, you'll never set eyes on your unit again! Give the HARUHI FUJIOKA a horse and carriage and have her go after the ECLAIR TONNERRE unit before she reaches the airport. Don't worry about a thing – the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit will return him to you safe and sound, albeit the fact that he's going to be really wet.

Guarantee:

With proper care and maintenance, your TAMAKI SUOU unit will lead a full and happy life while living under your roof. His warranty is good for many years to come, provided he doesn't die from constantly being depressed over the rejection he receives from the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit. However, if for any reason you can't stand to have a certain blond living in your household, just tell him that the HARUHI FUJIOKA unit has moved permanently to another country, and you'll never hear from him again.

A/N: Tamaki is seriously exhausting. I spent hours researching him in order to make this manual - now I can understand what Haruhi means when she says that Tamaki is very troublesome. Hehe. Anyway, I really hope you liked this manual! Please review!

- S. N. B.