Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, unfortunately.
Author's Note: This series is a collection of one shot crack fics. (Well, I don't have much of a sense of humour…so forgive me if it fails to send you squirming on the ground with tears of laughter running down your cheeks…) Hopefully this will be the first of many =/
Crack Shots 1
Ring Master
Written by smiggers
The blue hair announcer ducked beneath the top rope and strode onto the ring. Tapping slightly on the microphone that he held in his hand, he clear his throat lightly. Smoothening out his neatly pressed business suit, he flashed a brilliant smile at the noisy audience.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Chrono Harlaown and tonight we have a star in the house. Let's hear you welcome...The White Devil!" The applause and cheers were deafening as the crowd leaped to their feet and some punched their fists into the air.
A busty blonde sauntered onto the ramp amid the catcalls from a group of rowdy gentlemen clustered along the neon yellow barriers. The blonde flipped her golden tresses behind her shoulder before bending over to strike a sensual pose. She wiggled her buttocks, causing the little ball of cotton to wobble tauntingly. Her black bunny suit was a size too small and served to further accentuate her generous assets that bordered on indecency. She waved her right arm at the crowd, her matching bunny ears flapping around her head. Winking at the announcer, she sent a flying kiss his way before wriggling her fingers in a come-hither gesture.
"Will you look at that?! The White Devil has brought her ever beautiful bunny tonight!" Chrono pretend to pluck the flying kiss from the air and brought it to his lips. "Mmmm… Uh oh… What's that I hear?" He cupped the same hand over his ear, as if he was straining to hear something. "Sounds like The White Devil is angry…"
The smoke machines silently blew a hazy fog over the entrance as the main lighting in the building was turned off. A pair of spot lights shone their beams in a dazzling array on the crowd before focusing on the entrance. The blonde bunny hastened to kneel by the ramp, head bowed as if in shame.
A figure lit by the back light stood stock still at the edge of the ramp. A shapely brunette with her long chestnut hair in twin ponytails surveyed the crowd, relishing the loud welcome. Dressed in a short white mini skirt with blue trim and a matching jacket with a fluffy red ribbon tied at the collar, she did not look as intimidating as her stage name suggests. Azure eyes as clear as the sky held no emotions as the woman strode towards the blonde.
One glove hand reached down to trace down the blonde's face and to her chin. With her fingers against the blonde's chin, she guided to blonde to stand. Burgundy eyes were glazed over as they stared into those mesmerizing azure orbs. Gently urging the taller blonde to bend forwards, the woman in white locked lips firmly with the bunny. The kiss was brief, yet passionate and the crowd could clearly see that as they roared in unison for more.
Pulling away from the blonde, the white devil strode down the ramp, her boots making heavy thuds against the metal surface that was quickly drowned out by the cheers of the crowd. The blonde bunny followed closely behind her mistress, head bowed and not meeting the many eyes of the audience staring at her with lust.
The brunette climbed into the ring gracefully and waited till the blonde had entered before possessively wrapping an arm around the latex covered waist. Moving to her designated corner, she sat on the single wooden stool and pulled the bunny onto her lap.
"In the blue corner, we have the all time champion, the Ace of Aces, The White Devil!" Chrono shouted into the microphone. "Now now girls, let's try not to make the gentlemen all hot and bothered before the match." He jokingly chastised the two women who were currently locked in an embrace with the blonde sitting in the brunette's lap while the brunette ran her hands all over the blonde's body. At his words, the blonde untangled herself from her mistress and instead stood behind the brunette and meticulously gave a shoulder massage much to the disappointment of the crowd.
"Well, tonight we have a challenger!" The crowd roared in response and Chrono pressed the earpiece against his ear to hear better. Nodding at the information that was relayed, he returned the microphone to his lips. "Allow me to introduce…" He trailed off for dramatic effect as the interior lights were dimmed once again and the spotlight played across the expectant faces of the crowd before fixating on the entrance.
"In the brown corner, we have Yuuno the…" Chrono paused as a scrawny blonde man clad in khakis and a green shirt stepped onto the ramp. Scrutinizing the man briefly, he lifted the small pin-on microphone attached to his lapel and whispered into it.
"Amy, is this the right guy? You didn't send in the interviewee for the janitor position did you?" He listened to the reply as he watched the man glancing at the jeering crowd nervously. "He must have a death wish then." He replied curtly before replacing the miniature microphone on his lapel.
Hefting the bulky handle, he raised the stage microphone to his lips and continued as if he had never paused. "Let's welcome, Yuuno the Ferret!"
The crowd jeered at the fidgeting man as the white devil smirked.
The blonde danced to the center of the ring as Yuuno slowly walked down the ramp towards the raised platform. The bunny bended over and wriggled her firm behind at the white devil as she slapped her buttocks and smiled back seductively. In response, the brunette raised her right hand and flexed her fingers as she pretended to claw at the blonde.
The bunny turned to face Yuuno who was about to climb through the gap in the ropes. Pulling her right eyelid down, the blonde stuck her tongue out at the clumsy man who promptly tripped over the bottom rope and half sprawled into the ring at her feet.
The crowd laughed at the display of clumsiness before shouting for blood.
The blonde bunny returned to her mistress's side and kissed the brunette passionately on the lips before slipping under the top rope and waiting outside the ring.
"Fighters, your positions please." Chrono gestured at the two black duct taped crosses stuck on the rubber ground. He was about to raise his arm to signal the start of the fight when the blonde hair man, what's his name again? gestured frantically at him to wait.
"What is it?" Chrono asked the blonde irritably.
"I should be asking that! What is this?!" Yuuno pointed at the ring and at the rowdy crowd behind him.
"This?" Chrono waved an arm at the hyped up audience. "This is a fighting ring that's what. You are contesting for a qualifying position in the Mid-Childa Championship."
"A fighting championship?! But I'm here for the poetry contest!" Yuuno replied in alarm.
"DING!" The bell rang with clarity through the noise, signalling the start of the fight.
"Oh shit." Yuuno looked up into the face of a deviously grinning white devil.
"Poetry eh? Let me show you some rhythms and rhymes, Ferret." The brunette smirked at the cowering blonde.
The first punch into his abdomen knocked the air right of him and he staggered back, gasping.
The second hit, an uppercut broke his nose, causing blood to splatter messily on the white devil's jacket.
The third punch hit him squarely in the right eye, the beginning of a bruise already starting to form.
And he fell with all the grace of a punching bag, sprawling on the rubber mat. The referee, a short redhead who looked like she still belonged in elementary school knelt by his head and slapped her palm against the ground.
"Count 1!" She shouted gruffly.
"Count 2!" The white devil took a folded metal chair from her grinning bunny.
"Count 3!" The blonde bunny pulled the brunette in for a scorching kiss.
"Count 4!" The brunette broke away from the blonde.
"Count 5!" The brunette strode towards him, the smirk on her innocent features befitting of her nickname, The White Devil.
"Count 6!" The metal folding chair was raised high above her head, casting a shadow on him and the ground beneath.
"Count 7!" A warm dampness was seeping through his pants.
"Count 8!" The shadow grew bigger, looming over his fear stricken face.
"Count 9!" The seat of the folding chair was indented by his head, a resounding bang resonating through the cries for blood from the crowd.
He never heard count 10.
---
"The poet pissed in his pants." Vita rested her right hand against her hip while the other brushed off imaginary dirt on her black and white striped referee shirt. "How's that for poetry?" She drawled.
"Nanoha, baby, you do realize that this whole gig is simply for entertainment right?" Fate tentatively asked the brunette, visibly uncomfortable in her latex black bunny suit.
The brunette shrugged. "It's an aluminium chair; he can't possibly die from that puny hit." Nanoha waved it off before eyeing the blonde. "Let's get out of here, shall we Bunny Fate?" She winked suggestively at the blonde who promptly flushed a brilliant shade of crimson.
"At the very least, help me get his scrawny ass to Shamal already. Really, what was Amy thinking? Advertising a fighting contest as a poetry contest?" Vita prodded a limp leg with her boot.
"It's called good marketing strategy. Chrono interrupted as he pressed his index finger against his ear to hear better. Obviously Amy was using him to relay information through the earpiece. "She also says it pretty much failed. Only one person entered for the poetry competition."
Vita rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Can we leave him here? I don't want to get his piss on my hands. Let the clean up crew deal with him."
As Chrono and Vita stood over the unconscious form of Yuuno, Nanoha and Fate were busy making out in the blue corner and pretty much giving the half drunk crowd a good show.
Author's Note: There you go.
This one shot is inspired by Aoishiro and her very wonderful gift. ^.^ Many thanks to her for inspiring this one.
A Yuuno-bashing fic since I hate him so much. ARGH.
This is just an outlet to release some of my hatred for the guy since I made him out to be such an $$ in Rise of the Demon... (Yea, I'm advertising for my fic LOL)
I feel slightly better... Whew...
My apologies to fans of Yuuno! This is a harmless fic to poke some fun at the poor guy...
Do read and review please!
Cheers!