Hey guys. This is a total one-shot. My friend and I were swimming when we thought of this. This is our own version of the twilight plotline. I was laughing so hard that I went under the water and nearly drowned when we were talking about this. It might not sound as funny when it's written down, but I'll try. My friend Laura came up with most of the basic plotline and I've added detail and tweaked and modified it.

DO NOT FORGET: this is not just my story! Half of the credit goes to my friend Laura. Round of applause please!

Disclaimer: neither me nor Laura own twilight, even though the little people inside our heads tell us we do.

Twilight- Another story.

Edward silently crept through Billy Black's house in La Push. He could hear the snoring coming from his choice room. He crept inside Jacob's bedroom. Edward brought out the many knives from behind his back and grinned evilly.

"DIE DOG DIE!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!" he screamed before repeatedly stabbing Jacob. Jacob woke up and started laughing.

"Ha-ha, that tickles!" he giggled.

"WTF! You're supposed to die!" Edward exclaimed, looking confused.

"Nope! Immortal remember! You're so dumb!" he laughed again.

Edward got angry and kept on stabbing. Jacob kept healing quickly.

Billy Black rolled into the room then. He jumped out of his wheelchair with a karate suit on and said, "I am Billy Chan. Wall, you die now!" then he did kung fu on the wall.

"I'm still not dieing!" Jacob yelled. Then Bella walked in.

"Hey guys, what's- *gasp* -what's going on!?! Stop this madness!" she screamed, she had a Barbie angel dress on.

"Shut up and back off bitch!" Edward shouted, stabbing Bella in the chest and throwing her to the ground. Jasper walked in at that moment. He smelt the blood and started hyperventilating. He turned greener and greener.

"It's the-" gasped Jacob

"Hulk! Jasper style! It's the jazzulk. Fuck this, lets get back to business!" shrieked Edward. He beheaded Jacob. Jacob's head rolled to the floor, still yelling "I'm still not dead". His decapitated body picked up his head and some superglue and stuck it back on.

Edward turned around to see the jazzulk breathing into a paper bag. Edward sighed, kicked the jazzulk in the crotch and laughed.

"You bastard! Why!" jazzulk moaned.

Edward shrugged.

There was a knock at the door and Emily and Sam walked in.

"Hey! How's it going?" Sam asked.

"Fuck you Sam! You're interrupting my fun!" Edward whined.

"Anyone for a muffin?" Emily asked, holding up a plate she'd bought.

"I'll take one." Edward said, he grabbed one then shoves it into Bella's wound until it was all covered in blood. He ate it then licked his lips.

"Why Edward, why!" groaned Bella, clutching her chest.

"Because this mother fucker won't die, and trying to kill him was making me hungry. Honestly Bella, you have to stop talking about yourself for once and think of my needs. You're so selfish!" Edward explained.

"Ooooh! Me, me! I Wanna muffin!" he grabbed one and gobbled it, it started to squish out of the super glued cut. Jacob sighed.

"Dammit Edward! Why the hell did you have to cut my freaking head off!?!"

"Because you won't freaking die!" Edward screamed, and then he had an idea. He lifted Jacob and carried him in a fireman's lift outside. He gathered sticks and tied Jacob to a stake. He set it alight.

"Burn you son of a bitch, burn!" he screamed, dancing round the fire.

Bella and jasper came outside (well rolled really, considering their injuries) and watched. After a while, the fire went out and all that was left of Jacob were ashes and a mouth.

"I'm still not deaaaad!" the mouth jeered.

"Fuck it!" Edward stomped his feet and crossed his arms. He accidentally stomped on Bella.

"What do you want Edward!" she groaned again.

"Jesus Christ woman! Do you never listen! I want that mother fucking mongrel to mother fucking die!" he had another temper tantrum.

"For gods sake Jacob, just die already!" she screamed.

"Fine! All you had to do was ask!" then he was silent.

"There, he's dead! Are you fricking happy now!?!" Bella said, finally recovered from her injury. She started getting up.

"Yep! All in a good days work! I guess I don't need these anymore." He tossed his knifes behind him, they all hit Bella in the face. Edward walked off into the horizon.

Rosalie, Alice and Emmett walked into the house then, loaded with shopping bags. Emmett scans the room then whips off his clothes to reveal a hula skirt and coconut bra and starts hula dancing.

"What did we miss?" Alice asked, they all looked around them.

Bella is on the floor, sobbing while covered in blood.

"Bella! Jesus, I let you borrow my favourite dress and you get blood all over it! Oh well, this should cover the stain." She whips out a neon yellow sundress and Alice and Rose started shoving it over her head.

Jasper is hanging by the neck from a tree with a suicide note that said; I saw it on CSI, it looked cool. Ps. Edward… FUCK YOU!!!

Emily and Sam are slow dancing to the hula music coming from Emmett. Billy Chan has passed out with the wall on top of him (I hear there getting married soon) and there are ashes all over the floor. At that moment, Jacob's mouth pops out of the ashes and shouts, "I'M STILL NOT DEAD!!!"

The end!