Title: Your Happy Place
Setting: After the finale, assumes they stay at Hardison's mansion for at least a couple days after The Second David Job.
Spoilers: Very mild ones for the 12-Step Job.
Rating: PG
Author's Notes: I can't stop writing!!! Possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever written, but I love it nonetheless and I hope you do too. Inspired by … well, I'll tell you at the end. Enjoy!

"Hardison, I swear to god if I ever see you near me or anything I own with another one of these damn drinks I will shove it so far up …"

"Look, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry and apologetic and all that, it was an accident," Hardison interrupted quickly, not really wanting to hear the rest of Eliot's threat. "I have no idea how this happened, I was being super careful, especially after last time."

"This is 'super careful'?" Eliot asked incredulously as he pointed at the bright blue stain stretching down his t-shirt. "What's regular-careful, sticking forks into electrical sockets?"

Hardison's mouth gaped open, seriously having no reply. He honestly had no idea how this had happened. The team was still staying at Hardison's mansion in the hills and when the hacker had heard Eliot drive up he and his slushie had gone outside to ask him a question. Somehow, in some way he couldn't fathom, as Eliot had been getting out of the driver's side Hardison had tripped and now there was blue slushie all over the most dangerous man he had ever met.

"It got on the seats!"

And his car as well apparently. Oh shit.

"You … you know, it's really hot out today, the ice has gotta be at least kinda refreshing," Hardison mumbled, trying to spin the situation into a positive. "And blue is totally your color."

The wide-eyed glare of raging anger that Eliot shot his way made him back up three steps and almost fall again.

"I … I gotta go!" Hardison squealed as he ran back into the house.

"Hardison, get back here! You're cleaning this up!" Eliot shouted at his retreating, soon to be deceased, teammate.

"I'll buy you a new car, I promise! A better car!" he yelled in supplication as he disappeared, too terrified of the possible physical pain Eliot might inflict on him to stay any longer.

"Hardison, if you don't get out here I'm gonna break every electronic thingy I find in that house when I get in there … and that includes you!"

Up on the second floor of the house Sophie heard the commotion from her temporary office and got up to see what was going on. When she got to the hallway she found Parker standing silently at the window looking out on the driveway, watching whatever was happening with a content smile on her face. She recognized the smile as Parker's look of pure happiness so she rushed to the window to see if their lawn was covered in money – it was the only thing she could think of that would make the thief smile like that.

Instead she just saw Eliot, covered with some blue substance, yelling at Hardison and gesturing furiously.

"What's going on out there?" Sophie asked, more to find out why it amused Parker so much rather than to learn about the rather obvious chain of events that must have occurred.

"Hardison spilt his drink all over Eliot and his car," Parker replied simply, eyes never shifting from the scene. The look of pure focus and anticipation on the blonde's face baffled Sophie so she stayed with her by the window to watch.

"You'd think he'd be more careful after last time," Sophie muttered, remembering the argument that had gone on for days about who was cleaning Eliot's car.

"He was being careful. Very careful actually," Parker told her in a creepy monotone voice as her eyes widened.

"Then how did his drink get spilled?" Sophie asked slowly.

Never taking her eyes off the driveway, Parker leaned sideways to whisper conspiratorially, "He may have been pushed."

Sophie's eyes widened, putting it all together, "Why would you push …"

"Shh. It's time," Parker announced gleefully as she bounced on her toes as though trying to get a better view of something. Following her gaze out the window Sophie couldn't understand what Parker was looking at – all she saw was Eliot, alone now and still angry but seemingly resigned to clean the car out himself.

"What … "

Before getting started Eliot pulled his ruined shirt off over his head and threw it to the ground which left him topless and glistening in the LA sunlight.

"Oh!" Sophie uttered.

"Mmmm," Parker agreed, smile widening.

They both knew that Eliot's torso was probably dotted with scars but from this distance all they could see was chiseled perfection. They had both known that Eliot was pure muscle but this was … well this was just fantastic!

"You truly are a criminal genius," Sophie whispered to Parker with complete sincerity. Then her jaw dropped as she watched Eliot's back flex while he pulled the stained mats out of the car.

Neither of them noticed or cared about the footsteps approaching down the hall.

Trying to peer over their shoulders to see what had so grabbed their attention, Nate asked, "What are you …"

"Shh!"

The sharpness of the double hiss was enough to send Nate back two steps with his arms held defensively in front of him. Neither woman turned to him though and he shook his head, having briefly seen what they were staring at.

"He's not a piece of meat you know!" Nate announced dramatically. "He's a person with feelings and … "

"Shh!" Sophie demanded again, one arm waving behind her urging Nate to go away while they watched their show.

"Get out of here!" Parker exclaimed, turning from the window for the first time in ten minutes. "Go drink something!"

"Yes, do that," Sophie agreed distractedly.

"You know when men do this it's considered degrading to women!" Nate pointed out incredulously, amazed by how blatantly they were watching Eliot. He received no further respone though and gave up with a sigh.

"And they call us animals," he muttered, wandering off to do as instructed. He found Hardison downstairs, pushed discreetly into a corner looking up details on car purchases.

"Don't go upstairs," he warned the hacker as he sank into an armchair with some scotch. "Sophie and Parker are in some kind of happy place and apparently there's no men allowed."

"I have no idea what that means," Hardison replied, never looking up from his life-saving venture of finding Eliot a new, better car.

"Yeah, I don't understand them either."

Upstairs Sophie frowned when it appeared Eliot was almost done cleaning out his vehicle. Sensing this as well Parker pulled out a tiny remote control from her back pocket.

"What is that?" Sophie asked, excited this time rather than cautious.

"Part two," Parker explained, giving her a sideways grin as she hit the only button on the remote and then looked out the window once more.

Sophie looked too just as the sprinkler, which should have been in the middle of the lawn but had been moved at some point to rest right next to the driveway, came to life, spraying a steady flow of water into the air and directly onto Eliot.

A shuddered gasp passed Sophie's lips while Parker's head merely tilted to the side as she smiled in appreciation.

"What the hell!" The hitter stood quickly, startled and left standing, water dripping from his hair and bare torso for a few glorious moments before he slammed his car door shut and stalked angrily towards the house.

"Hardison!"

Downstairs the hacker threw his laptop aside and raced for the backdoor, valuing his life too much to even bother to ask questions.

"He's going to kill him you know," Sophie said, her voice still lilting as though in a daze, her brain overloaded.

"It's worth it," Parker sighed, still looking at the spot Eliot had been standing. A few moments passed before she shook herself into a more aware state and then announced, "Okay, I have to go get some mud."

"What for?" Sophie asked, finally pushing away from the window as well.

"For part three. We're twenty-five miles from the nearest car wash, so if Eliot's car gets dirty he'll have to clean it himself, outside," Parker explained, eyebrows raising playfully.

Sophie stood silently for a moment while she considered that.

"Try the back garden."

The end.

Inspired by John Rogers confirming on his Twitter post that Christian Kane will be shirtless next season in episode 3. I basically turned Sophie and Parker into me and my best friend, but it was fun. Hope you also enjoyed!