Session 35: In Which We Flashback (geddit?)

We enter the session with the same noise used to signal a flashback. Locke looks excited by this; Jack starts to well up; Sawyer just yawns, blinking rapidly as the sound of the yawn produced makes the same noise as the smoke monster. Carletta taps her fingers impatiently, waiting for the noise to stop before beginning the session.

Carletta: As beginnings to sessions go, this wasn't that ba -

*She's interrupted by the sound of fiery explosions, planes crashing, and the odd blood-curdling scream in the background. She rolls her eyes, but resumes the session.*

Sawyer: You were saying?

Carletta: *rolls her eyes* I'm really going to have to learn not to do that. Anyway. The flashbacks. We need to discuss them.

Hurley: Um...why?

Carletta: Because as most – sane – therapists will tell you, the past is often vital in understanding the present and the future. Oh, yeah, getting really serious now, bitches!

Juliet: How will understanding the flashbacks help us progress? Unless they're flash-forwards? No... maybe we need a new thing, like flash-diagonals.

Michael: How would that work?!

Juliet: I don't know... maybe it could've shown us in different dimensions...

Sawyer: Yes, because being in 3D has been the height of my misery. We should just make our living as 2D drawings, for all the good it'll do us.

Juliet: *scowling* James. That is not what I meant and you know it. I mean, maybe we could've seen all of us in different situations, see if we'd ended up together or something. Like...maybe Jack wasn't a doctor...

Jack: BUT I WAS. DADDY... I WAS!

Christian: I know... We worked together. You got me fired. I think we know who the HBIC was in our family.

Carletta: HBIC? I feel like that should be a term I know...

Christian: It means Head Bitch In Charge. Or, if you want to be kinkier, Head Bitch In Cuffs.

*Miles and Sawyer howl with laughter at this, much to Juliet's annoyance. She hangs a sign on her chair labelled 'This Doctor Won't See You Now...or Ever' and turns away, making a noise of disgust.*

Carletta: So, flash-diagonals huh? Hm...could've worked as a concept, I suppose. Maybe it'll end up in a fanfiction or something.

Ben: OH NOT THE FANFICTION COMMUNITY. *randomly grabs a rabbit from nowhere and strokes it violently* They are JUST the WORST type of PEOPLE.

Carletta: Do explain...

Ben: May I do it in rap?

Carletta: Um... if you must? I feel like this may be the most surreal thing ever...

Ben: *proceeds to rap to a very familiar theme tune.*

Now this is a story all about how

My life got flipped, turned upside down

And I'd like to take a minute, just sit there girl

I'll tell you how I became the joke of the fanfiction world...

Locke: I've changed my mind.

Jack: About what?

Locke: Staying on this island. I want to leave. Now. Forever.

Ben: *ignoring everyone's stunned looks proceeds with his rap*

In the Dharma Barracks, born and raised

Roger: Um...no you weren't.

Ben:

Wandering around lost was where I spent most of my days

Chilling out, relaxing, getting beat up by my dad

Hanging out, swinging there with a chick who was rad

When an Iraqi torturer, who was up to no good

Started making trouble in my neighbourhood

He shot me in the chest, and I nearly died

That's when I became the one always victimised

Charlie: Somewhere in the real world, Will Smith is currently hanging himself.

Ben: *looks outraged* I HAD THREE MORE VERSES TO GO! HOW DARE YOU SLAP MY RAP?!

Juliet: Slap my rap?!

Carletta: Did you actually use the word rad, like it has ever been a cool thing to say?!

Ben: I didn't even get to tell you why fanfiction people suck...

Carletta: I think we can guess. I reckon it's because most make you a whiny little bitch in them, right? *smirks* Good thing you don't uphold that representation in these sessions at all.

Ben: EXACTLY. AND YOU RUINED THE RAP. *looks sulky*

Charlie: Um, Bunny Boy, hate to break it to you, but you ruined the rap when you opened your trap. OH SNAP!

*Gleefully high fives every one in the entire room, accidentally slapping Daniel in the face as he goes around.*

Carletta: Moving on...very swiftly... who wants to hazard a guess as to why the flashbacks have their own focus this week?

Kate: Because you're running out of ways to mentally break us down?

Carletta: …. That is one of the reasons, yes...

Boone: Is it because you dread focusing on a specific person, because you never get round to psycho-analysing them anyway?

Carletta: ….and that's another reason, yes... buuuut, the main reason is that examining the flashbacks can help me determine how best to help each one of you. Let's start with Locke's flashbacks...
Locke: Oh God...

Carletta: You had a very interesting back story.

Boone: You did. Before you crashed here, your legs didn't work, and then on the island they did. That was magic.

Carletta: Interpreting Lost for the five year olds are we, Boone?

Boone: Sorry. But you try sitting between Shannon and Nikki without losing a few dozen IQ points in the process.

Locke: Yeah, yeah, I got to walk again. You didn't hear me make a big deal out of it though, did you?

*The room falls silent. Jack coughs nervously; Sawyer whistles nonchalantly.*

Claire: Well...actually...

*Eight years ago...*

Locke: I CAN WALK. I CAN WALLLLLLK! I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE. WOAH-OH!

*Six years ago...*

Locke: Still walking. Haters gonna hate... YIPPPEEEEEE!

*Four years ago*

Locke: LEGS ARE LEGCELLENT. *laughs hysterically* Oh my god! I should be a stand up comedian. STAND UP – HA HA HA. I DID IT AGAIN!

*Two years ago*

Locke: *slightly less cheerful* I owned those stairs outside the church like a boss! They see me walking, they hatin'...

Everyone: SHUT THE HELL UP! WE GET YOU CAN WALK!

*Back in the present*

Locke: I just wanted everyone to know I could walk... It was a surprising revelation, that was all.

Kate: *snorts* So was the revelation that I was a criminal, but you don't see me rubbing that in.

Jack: Um... Kate – my fate – you have just gone round the room, handcuffing yourself to everyone and everything.

Kate: Huh... *notices she's handcuffed to Miles, who grins, and rolls her eyes* Well, at least I wasn't running around!

Carletta: No...you saved that for every other freakin' session!

Charlie: I'm done with my album! It's titled 'Lost In The Music'.

*Everyone looks mildly impressed by the title of the album.*

Claire: What are some of the tracks?

Charlie: Monster Eats the Pilot.

The Pilot: Naturally...

Charlie: And then there's Rumble In The Jungle, inspired by Kate and Sawyer's epic love scene.

Sawyer: I am so blogging about that.

Kate: *looks mortified* You wrote a song about that? What is wrong with you?

Charlie: Oh they get steadily more personal. Wait until I reach track 12 – We All Drown In A Dharma Submarine.

Sun: That is... That is just awful.

Jin: No wonder my people are invading your country...

Charlie: What?!

Jin: ….what?

Charlie: And then there's track 8 which is Baby Blues, which I wrote to sort of encompass the tragedy around Aaron and Claire's separation.

Claire: Awww...

Sawyer: Wait for it, Mamacita...

Charlie: And it starts with a quite catchy verse of you've lost your baby, baby, baby, oh, how could you, baby, baby, baby, oh... It's sort of, if not completely, ripped off from that kid with the hairstyle like a mushroom... Justin Fever? Is that right?

*Claire bursts into tears and runs out of the room, dragging a startled Walt out with her.*

Sawyer: ...and there it is.

Charlie: There's what?

Sawyer: The reason you were killed off.

*Charlie looks as though he's going to pull a Jack and cry, but instead, with an eerily calm manner, he lifts up his guitar, and hits Sawyer over the head with it.*

Carletta: NO VIOLENCE IN THE SESSIONS!

Charlie: Technically that wasn't violence. That was simply a long overdue response to Sawyer and his big book of hurtful comments.

Miles: I loved that book...

Ana Lucia: Me too...

Sawyer: *groggily* My insult book brings all the bitches to the yard, and they're like...MOMMY, WILL YOU HOLD ME? *passes out*

Carletta: *after a moment's pause* Right... let's go back to the flashbacks...

Hurley: That sounded funny. Back to the flashbacks *giggles* It's like wordception or something.

Carletta: Huh. Guess it does. ANYWAY. Back to this session. So we've established that learning from the past can help with the present and the future...

Locke: Um, did you not see season five? We learned absolutely NOTHING from skipping around in time.

Jack: That's not true. I learned all about variables and things.

Sayid: Apparently it's not okay to shoot a kid in the chest. I learned that the hard way.

Kate: I learned that apparently even in a different time, it's still not cool to come back and try and recreate a love triangle. Apparently that's *air quotes* being awkward.

Carletta: Right... those lessons should've been instilled in you anyway, but disregarding that entirely, if we focus on your own pasts, not the pasts you decided to spontaneously create whilst skipping around in time...

Charlotte: Hey, it was time travel, not the bloody Sound of Music. Although Miles constantly singing Time Warp certainly made the entire experience as draining as sitting through a musical.

Miles: Hey! I kept things entertaining. You had to spoil things by getting a nosebleed and dying on us.

Charlotte: I do apologise. In future, I shall restrain myself from dying. How about that?

Miles: I sense sarcasm, which I will ignore and say 'thank you, Charlotte. That would be nice.'

*Charlotte rolls her eyes, but otherwise ignores the comment.*

Jack: I'm confused about the point behind this session.

Boone: I think I've said that about EVERY session.

Jack: I know, but why are we even talking about this? What's done is done.

Juliet: Apparently not for you assholes, who just HAD to come back and meddle. You shouldn't have meddled, because me and James then had to unmeddle the very thing you meddled with in the first place! BY MEDDLING, NO LESS!

Hurley: Dude...that's a LOT of meddling. Couldn't we all just...I dunno...sit down and share a bucket of chicken. Except I'd eat all the chicken. You guys could, I dunno, eat fruit?

Charlie: That is the weirdest thing you've ever said.

Hurley: What, even compared with your the baby is a chocolate lollipop speech?

Charlie: I was demonstrating sarcasm, mate. SARCASM. By the way, I don't genuinely believe Aaron is a chocolate lollipop.

*Outside, we hear Claire screeching 'HE SAID MY BABY WAS A WHAT?' and Charlie sinks in his seat, whimpering nervously.*

Carletta: My point is – and I actually have one this session – is that by understanding who you were we can begin to understand who you are, learning in the process how to develop each of you to a point where you can begin to cope with the multitude of traumatic experiences you've all had to endure.

*There's a long silence after that, but it's one filled with awe. It even has the power to revive Sawyer, who slowly sits up like a zombie.*

Ben: Who are you, and what have you done with the real Carletta?

Hurley: That was some intense advice, dude.

Locke: I'm sorry... did we just get some actual therapeutic advice? For real?

Jack: *sniffs* I promised myself I wouldn't cry during this session. *bawls like a baby, much to Juliet's disgust.*

Jacob: Now THIS is progress. Take that, brother!

Man In Black: This proves nothing!

Jacob: I wish you'd grow up.

Man In Black: I wish you'd get stabbed...HA HA, YOU DID!

Carletta: Was it not enough that you guys got your own flashback episode? Do you have to continue to bicker like two year olds?

Jacob: Technically, our flashback episode was supposed to be two episodes, one for me, and one for Smokey over there. But we fought about which was going to be aired first, so in the end the Lost producers said we had to share one instead.

Man In Black: Which is the word every sibling in the world hates to hear... share. Ugh.

Carletta: Moving on... *looks warily around* I know some back stories were dropped...

Michael: WALLLLLLLLT … I know for a fact didn't get much of one.

Libby: I apparently didn't have one altogether apart from losing a husband and giving a boat to a stranger who I'd never ever meet again.

Desmond: IT'S YOU! *drops from his seat in shock*

Carletta: I know we have addressed this before, but there are character connections between some of you that none of you seemed to know.

Jack: Like the character connection between me and Shannon where I let her dad die... Oh crap.

Shannon: YOU BASTARD! I HAD JUST BEEN IGNORED ENOUGH LONG ENOUGH TO FORGET THAT! *goes back to painting her nails*

Boone: And, like always, Shannon chooses to ignore the bigger picture entirely whilst addressing her own vanity.

Shannon: Shut up, Boone. You had no back story. You can't judge me.

Boone: *scowling* Oh yes I can. See? Doing it right now. JUDGING YOU.

Ana Lucia: I sort of almost, kind of, not quite ran into Sawyer once. And that was only because I was shacking up with Jack's dad.

Jack: WHAT?

Christian: WHAT?

Sawyer: And then I had a drink with him.

Jack: THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!

Sawyer: 'cept I told ya about it. Jackass...

Ana Lucia: Oh and shacking up with might've been a poor phrase to use...

Miles: Ya think? I have no cool character connections. In fact, what is the use of me even being here? I contribute nothing. NOTHING! I get no respect... NO RESPECT. And I have developed a fascination with cheese.

Carletta: Cheese?

Miles: *nods glumly* I make it into little shapes during everyone else's sessions. See... I made a cheese island... *demonstrates it to the group* I even made cheese characters, but then I got angry with them all and ate them, which, strangely enough, seems to summarise the entire show.

*There's a long pause after that. So long a pause in fact that Stephenie Meyer wrote three more Twilight novels within that pause, and they got turned into blockbusters.*

Carletta: *in a vain effort at changing the subject* You had quite an interesting backstory, Miles...

Miles: Not really. My dad left my mom. I grew up a punk. I ended up going on a freighter to an insane island, and followed some equally insane people into the realms of time and space. Everybody's been there right?

Kate: Not everybody...

Charlie: Ooh...this would make a great bonus track. The Cheese Man.

Miles: I'm out of here. This is too insane, even for me.

*He walks out, followed by a still dizzy Sawyer attempting to show solidarity.*

Carletta: Oh, brother...

Desmond: THAT'S MY CATCHPHRASE!

Carletta: I try and have ONE sane session where I try and come out with some actual useful advice, and where does that leave me?

Jack: Still on this island?

Carletta: Thanks, Captain Obvious! The sand and the ocean and the fact no bloody phone works here didn't give that away at all!

Daniel: Technically, now that Charlie unblocked the signal, mobile phones would probably...

*His explanation gets drowned out in a chorus of mobile phones, as people desperately dial random numbers, including Carletta herself, who tries to order a year's supply of alcohol for delivery.*

Daniel: Hm, should I use my invisibility powers to fight crime or for evil?

*And thus ends another really pointless session, where, once again, nothing has been accomplished. Outside, Sawyer and Miles start a poking war, which quickly turns into an aggressive fight, and they roll away in a cloud of smoke. Once again, you have wasted your time reading this, and Carletta has probably lost a bit more of her own mind trying to fathom the endless mysteries of this show...like we all have. Until next time...*

A/n: Okay, so this is winding down soon. I mean, really soon. But a quick question guys, if I was to bring Carletta into another Circle-of-Trust type of therapy session, which fandom would you like her to come into? Supernatural? Glee? Vampire Diaries? Or something else? Thanks for reviewing guys. Appreciate it.