Chapter 7

Episode 20: Shape of Heart, Shape of Human

*********

There was a spark; the air crackled, hissing as the match was struck, then raised to meet the end of the cigarette; and the lips it was held between drew back a breath; ashy tip glowed a small fiery red. And it tasted nasty—rather bland at times, but it eased her nerves. The wisp of stale smoke acting like a blanket wrapped in vapory breaths.

She looked up when the door opened and Misato entered; eyes traveling over Misato's standing figure in cool and detached appraisal before she looked away, affecting an air of indifference--as if this was expected.

And it was…

Misato frowned: there Ritsuko was, already sitting on the bed with her long legs slightly bent and crossed in front of her. Casual. Naked, except for that lit cigarette; and how she wished Ritsuko wouldn't smoke—at least, not before this. The 'cheap' smell had a way of ruining the mood; perhaps that was just the romantic in her complaining.

In any case, she doesn't vocalize her complaints; and slips off, instead, that flimsy robe that covered her for her small trek across the living room to her. She went, by habit, to sit with Ritsuko, sliding over to rest her head on the other's lap; lavender hair spilled, soft and airy, over the white of Ritsuko's thighs.

And she looked down at Misato in surprise when the other woman reached up to take the cigarette: "I thought you smoked afterwards."

"I would prefer to," Misato answered, painting an unbelievably seductive image as she laid plaint and relax on Ritsuko's lap; sharing that cigarette between them. White smoke trailed from those traitorous lips as she spoke. "Ne, Ritsuko," she began, passing the cigarette back to her.

"Hmm?"

"Am I like one of your cats?" she asked, in that voice—the one that never ceased to send shiver's down Ritsuko's spine.

"What do you mean?"

"I meant…you know…"

"No."

Misato turned towards Ritsuko's stomach, fingers reaching to trace and dip into the other woman's belly button. Idle—just luxuriating in the feel of touching Ritsuko so freely; that familiar excitement building in the pit of her stomach.

"Mmm…" Ritsuko bowed her head, eyes closing. She enjoyed the feeling of being touched as much as Misato was in touching.

"I mean," Misato clarified, "someone you take out when you're feeling lonely."

It was Ritsuko's turn to frown: "I don't have cats because I'm lonely."

But Misato ignored her—whatever protests to the contrary. She sat up and went to straddle Ritsuko, her legs parting licentiously on either side as she rested there. And she continued: "So you pet them, feed them…listen to them; and love them, because it gives you pleasure." She punctuated every point with a light lick to the other's nose, imitating the way she'd seen Ritsuko's cats lavish affection.

"Misato…" she started, "even if that was the case—which I assure you: it's not. Even if that was so, you mean more to me than any cat…" Ritsuko considered that statement; it was true, she did love those four legged creatures a whole damn lot; more so than she felt towards most people. Bipeds.

Was there something to say in that?

"Honest?" Misato asked. She rocked her hips slightly, her lips parting in a soft, whispery sigh. Vulnerable and yielding as she waited for Ritsuko's answer.

Don't forsake me…

Misato let the subject drop at Ritsuko's response, satisfied with her nod---however tentative. She needed to believe, if only for tonight: she took the cigarette from Ritsuko and snuffed it out in the ashtray next to them, before leaning back on Ritsuko, hair tossed cleaning over her shoulder when she asked: "Should I ride you?"

Ritsuko flushed at the bluntness of Misato's question, suddenly reminded of how comfortable Misato was with her sexuality--she had always been. And Ritsuko both envied and was thankful for that fact. When she didn't respond—struck with a sudden shyness, Misato took that sign as a yes and began to move; grinding herself against Ritsuko slowly. There was no rush. And Ritsuko sat absolutely still as she watched, heavy-lidded, while Misato moved, lightly panting with every controlled gyration. Misato spoke, in between every unsteady inhale and exhale: "I think…Shinji thinks…I'm shameless."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because…he's just come back and…I'm here…like this." Misato bit her bottom lip, grounding out and blushing as she considered, quite seriously, that shame.

Unpleasant memories had a way of coming back to her.

***

Earlier that day

Post-Zeruel's, 14th ANGEL, assault on the GEO-FRONT.

The words: PILOT VANISHED, flashed on the bottom of the screen that monitored EVA-01's entry plug. Flaring beeping noises came intermittently, accompanying the image of darken LCL, the coffin-like interior of the pilot seating area along with Shinji's plugsuit, which floated so eerily bereft of its owner.

"Shinji-kun!"

Misato watched with every horrific passing second that Shinji didn't materialize within that image: LIVE DIRECT CONNECTION. A 400% synchro-ratio—she didn't even think that was possible. And yet, here was proof. Irrefutable.

"He's been taken into EVA," Ritsuko said.

Of course, Misato had no clue what the hell that meant. "Just what is EVA?" she demanded. "Stop confusing me, Ritsuko!"

"I'm not trying to confuse you. I can only explain it as something created by man in Man's own image."

The hell, it is! "You didn't create anything! You just copied something you found in the Antarctic!" That much, Misato knew. She wasn't completely in the dark about EVA; and there was something so sinful in knowing that they were—essentially—borrowing the hands of their destroyer to save themselves. Now she needed to know the nature of those hands: "What was the original, Doctor? You tell me, what was it?"

"You're wrong. EVA's not merely a copy. A human will is inside it."

"Are you—are you saying that somebody willed this to happen?"

"No. EVA did."

And that was it.

In hindsight, she supposed that there was a strange sense of déjà vu to the moment when she struck Ritsuko; but she didn't care. She didn't care if they were alone or whether the entire theatre of NERV was watching—which they were. She didn't flinch. "Do something, damn you! You created this, didn't you? You take responsibility for it!"

And this time it was different; because this time it wasn't her fault.

Shinji hadn't vanished into some unknown. No. He had disappeared in what she had always assumed was the relative safety of his entry plug; a device of NERV's making. And there was so little room for forgiveness where Shinji's life was concerned. That NERV—that Ritsuko—was somehow complicit in all this, she couldn't forgive that.

Ritsuko stood there infuriatingly passive. Her eyes turned sideways in refusal to meet Misato's; and Misato could see, underneath the harsh and interrogative light of CENTRAL HQ, the shading of Ritsuko's face where Misato had slapped her: red and inflamed. And she knew then—felt her heart cry out to her the moment she raised her hand—that this was falling apart.

***

Present

"I don't think you're shameless, Misato," she said quietly; hands easing down on Misato's hips.

That's the problem. You're too good. Unlike me…

"Me-ow."

At the soft mewling, both women stopped; one of Ritsuko's cats—a spotted tabby, popped its head from under Misato's discarded robe. Its eyes shiny and ears pointed. Why hasn't they noticed before? "Hey, how did you get there?" its owner asked. Misato didn't wait to be told; she dismounted over the side so that Ritsuko could get up…

And she watched as Ritsuko walked over to pull the robe aside and tuck a hand underneath the tabby's tummy, cooing, "Here, here, you. Come here."

"Me-ow," it sounded again with its little sharp teeth showing as it laid cradled in Ritsuko's arm; she kissed its forehead—its nose twitched in response—before going to let it out the room. And Misato thought then, rolling over and stretching, "Perhaps it wouldn't be too bad…being her cat…"

***

Late Evening. A few hours earlier.

Ritsuko leaned her cheek against the cool glass of the passenger window. A cursory glance outside told her that she was looking at trees; people; the lights of TOKYO-3, the neon-lit city whose predecessors lie in ruins not far from here. But all that passed by her in a mirage of indistinct lines: advertisement in bright sapphire colors and traffic lights flashing yellow, red, green…

In the end Shinji had come back, and that was what mattered.

Still, she was surprised to find Misato waiting for her by the elevator. Ritsuko had planned on taking the monorail home, as usual; but Misato was there, and she looked at her; "I'm sorry. About hitting you like that. I—I was out of line," she said, voice trying hard not to sound hollow; that vague hint of coldness still lingering behind her eyes.

"No," Ritsuko said, "don't apologize."

I deserved it.

She could see Misato cringe—ever so slightly; but to who it was directed? She couldn't tell. Was it at Misato…or herself? In any case, she stepped pass Misato, only to be surprised again when she was inside the elevator; Misato had reached out to keep the doors from closing. "Let me give you a ride home," the other woman offered.

And Ritsuko didn't say no.

So here they were…seated in Misato's car. Radio noise canceled the awkward silence between them. Ritsuko was starting to wonder why she had accepted this ride; it was hard not to hear Misato's voice echo in her head: "You heartless bitch!"

She broke the silence: "Unit 01 will be restored in two days."

The hand that gripped the steering wheel suddenly tightened, and Misato spoke with sardonic contempt when she noted, "Even when given divine powers, humans still treat it as a matter of fact."

"I can hardly agree…"

What else can she say? Where can she tread without provoking the other woman? Maybe…something else…she continued: "Speaking of which, the committee is considering freezing EVA."

Misato sat silent. Eyes forward when the light turned green. "Well, I'm just glad Shinji was saved." "That wasn't me. That was probably you…" she said, taking into consideration that there were just some things science couldn't account for. Was this the 'miracle' of faith? Of love? Certainly of the why he had come back…

The salvage operation had failed: they couldn't reconstitute his physical body let alone find a soul to attach it. And no one there could've explained how a boy so shy of life had literally willed himself back into being. Nothing could explain it; nothing short of a miracle---that affliction of love…

"Let's go out tonight—to a bar or somewhere."

After a long moment of silence spanning the space of a decision, Misato responded, "Drinking sounds nice. But I don't feel like going to a bar tonight."

"Well, I'm sure you have liquor at your place."

That not-so-subtle reference about her lifestyle bought about a small smile on Misato's face—she couldn't help it; despite how tense she was…how tense they both were. "The kids are home."

"I see…"

What was it besides that thought in the back of her head? If they could just pretend like nothing was wrong…

And all the reasons she wanted to say 'yes' (because she wanted to), and all the reasons she should've said 'no' (Shinji's just materialized from the dead)…

But what choice was there when it came to her, really? And if she was honest with herself, she would admit that she needed this. Just to be selfish.

Just for one night.

Misato glanced over—out of the corner of her eyes, hoping that Ritsuko caught on; but the other woman gave no indication that she had. Instead, she looked again to the view outside the window, as if suddenly aware of the world existing beyond the interior of Misato's Renoult Alpine; and she thought wistfully, "Shame she doesn't want to go to a bar. It's a nice night out."

And Misato didn't know---didn't realize how badly she had wanted to hear Ritsuko say, "Yes," until she felt her heart drop at Ritsuko's silence…

That was all before Ritsuko answered her: "Let's stop by the store then. We'll head over to my place afterwards."

***

Present

Ritsuko rolled them over so that Misato was on her back, stretching fully underneath her; and Misato loses her train of thought when Ritsuko follows that with a kiss, tongue parting the other's lips to slide in to meet hers. And it was one of those kisses, placed with such careful tenderness, that Misato forgets how to breathe---it spoke of ceaseless nights; spoke of volumes upon volumes of love ever experienced between them or ever will be…

And she didn't know why then, but it—that kiss, Ritsuko pressed so impossibly close to her (melding, it seemed)—brought about so profound a sadness that she chokes on the yearning, as if…as if…

She'd never see her again.

A whimper came from the back of her throat, and her eyes squeezed shut; so that even while the kiss continued, she found herself wishing, hoping that this—this contact—would never end. Not caring if it suffocated her.

It had come to this: such uncertainty that there would be another chance for them; and if she'd admit it, it would tear her apart--like it was doing now. All the secrets and lies…

Ritsuko raised her head, wanting to part to give them room to breathe; but Misato had followed, nails digging painfully into the flesh of Ritsuko's shoulder. Stay with me, she wordlessly begged. Stay with me, again, she pleaded.

Ritsuko reacted: she grabbed both hands, tearing them away from her shoulder to pin Misato to the bed, and then used her weight to keep her there; fingers locked and intertwined. Misato became vaguely aware of something in her right hand…something that Ritsuko was pressing in her palm—circular and small.

"Mmmm…" her eyes shifted under the intoxicating allure of Ritsuko's tongue working on hers to where her hand was, running fingertips over fingertips. And when Ritsuko let go, she could make out what she was holding. "Ka—Kaji's?"

"You wanted answers."

Those green, green eyes that stared down at her lovingly---they gave away nothing.

This is all I can do for you, Misato.

***

Kaji dropped down to the floor from the ventilation shaft. A crappy way to make an entrance, he knows; but considering the amount of security he had to bypass to get here…well…

A fair exchange, he figured. It had taken him months, numerous wrangling, favors pulled—to arrive at this point. The MAGI's monitoring system in this section of HQ had been momentarily handicapped, and it bought him enough time to see for himself exactly what Commander Ikari was hiding down in the metallic bowels of NERV.

He approached the massive sealed doors—at least five times the height of an adult male, and the cynical part of him scoffed. What purpose was there to build a door this tall and grand except as an ostentatious showing? Another concession to mankind's arrogance.

Heaven's door, indeed.

Whistling, he pulled a forged clearance card from his pocket and spun it in his hand in his characteristically overconfident way, before reaching over to pass it through the card scanner…

Click-

He stopped and steeled when he felt the round end of a gun press to the back of his head following that sound: the hammer was already cocked. Then he breathed in deeply before a half smile formed on his face, somehow already knowing who was there. "Did she send you?"

"She let it slip," voice answering as Misato kept her eyes (and her gun) trained on Kaji---both remained remarkably steady and calm; even as Misato's right index finger kept a 'barely there' pressure on the trigger.

"I see…"

Kaji had to hand it to Ritsuko: arranging for a meeting in such a way as to dispense of all covers. The woman was certainly someone to contend with. "No wonder she chose today," he thought, recalling how it was she who came to him, offering to work through the MAGI to fix this window of opportunity. Of course, nothing came for free anymore, and he found the strings attached to the person behind him.

"We play and we play and we play each other," he thought of the circular nature of these things.

"It seems like a lot of NERV employees are working overtime these days," she began, "but few have enough skills to pull off living two lives, let alone three."

Kaji smirked at what he deemed a small accomplishment as Misato continued, "There's the Kaji of NERV, the Kaji of SEELE, and the Kaji that works for the Japanese government. Tell me, which Kaji am I addressing now?"

"Whichever one will get me in less trouble."

"Clever answer---but not the one I'm looking for. First, how does Ritsuko know you're a triple agent?"

"Mmph," Kaji made a small sound—the only indication of the displeasure he felt when Misato pressed the gun harder against the back of his head; literally pressing her point. "She didn't tell you?" he asked, changing from annoyance to amusement at the thought.

"I didn't ask."

Kaji looked ahead. Of course. "Quid pro quo, Misato," he summed up, then clarified: "NERV—her included—well, they have a use for me so they keep me around, pretend I don't see the things I do so long as it serves their purposes. We all know the name of the game even if no one says it aloud."

"So that's what it is, huh? You're a spy," she said. "Really, Kaji, I expected more from you."

His eyes narrowed. We all do what we have to…

The world wasn't so black and white anymore, and he told her: "Don't be naïve." In flash--quicker than she could blink, Kaji had spun unexpectedly around in a blur of motion to smack the gun downwards—away from him as and he held onto her wrist; both wrists. Firm and in control.

It had gone off—Click, when he surprised her…

And the bullet would've ricocheted off the hard floor or, at the very least, caused a small dent where they stood…if only the gun had been loaded. No bullets, Kaji thought, feeling a weight lift from his heart even as she struggled. Only empty threats.

"Let go of me!" she growled, pulling away from him. But he was much bigger than her and she had lost the advantage of her bluff.

"What do you want?" he demanded, face close to hers; closer than they have been in years. The steel grayness of his eyes penetrated through her now as they did back then; and it caught her off guard…long enough for any fight left in her to drain away till she stood still, staring back at him…

She found her voice at last to make a request: "Tell me."

He smiled—they finally understood each other; "I'll be frank, either she doesn't know as much as we think she does or she's going along with it for personal reasons."

"Such as...?"

"I'm not sure yet. But you have to ask yourself, Misato, honestly: how much do you know about her? Her past?"

"I…" Misato found herself unable to answer. Ritsuko was a secretive person by nature; she knew that--had always known and accepted it from very start of their relationship. But face with the truth, confronted and unable to look away from Kaji, Misato found herself shrinking from the enormity of what little she knew about Ritsuko. More than shame; it was heartbreak.

And Kaji could feel the rise of emotion from her along with an unremitting sting of sympathy from him. He softened. "We both know so little…"

Misato raised her eyes to regard him, and, at that moment, his expression changed: that small confident smile again, eyes sharp and sure; "But," he said, "we can change that."

"Kaji!"

When he let her go, she instinctively went to aim her gun, even without bullets—it was instinct. But she could only watch helpless as if the momentum of her life was torn from her at that moment; speeding faster and faster, hurdling towards the future when he ran the clearance card through the reader. The twin mechanical doors—HEAVEN'S DOOR—separating as soon as the scanner flashed from red to green: entrance accepted.

"Adam?!"

She couldn't believe it. Almost wouldn't believe it. But there--

Fixed on a cross of red that waded in a sea of--what she can only assume was LCL--was the Giant, white and blubbery and torn from its legs; all that remained was the torso, arm, and purpled-masked head. Both palms nailed on either side so that it was spread wide like so: a giant parody of a Christ at crucifixion.

"Blood," Misato cringed, "I smell blood." So much of it saturated everywhere that she could almost taste the sticky metallic of it in her mouth. And Kaji, who stood by her side the entire time, could only look on. Nothing here shocked him; it only confirmed what he believed. And, strangely enough, seeing the Giant left him with feeling akin to satisfaction, as if validating all his work thus far.

No, not Adam. He told her: "Not quite."

***

Earlier

"It's unfortunate," Ritsuko had told her; "that all we have to talk about now is work."

Misato tried to brush it off in a joking manner; after all, when your job is involves saving the world, there's a lot to talk about.

"I just wished we didn't have to."

Misato tucked the cat broach in her pocket—the broach Ritsuko had given her on the night those words were spoken; and they haunted her—those words, like all words spoken at the end of things: they had a way of finding her in the silence. She stood in the empty corridors of NERV. 4 a.m. And any moment now, he would arrive.

And she knew Ritsuko wouldn't—couldn't tell her: we all have our crosses to carry—this was Ritsuko's.

But if Misato had somehow managed to discover on her own…

That thought was more bearable.

And when Ritsuko brushed her nose against the nape of Misato's neck that night, both knew that whatever future they could've had together, Ritsuko willingly forfeited: she had clasped the broach in Misato's hand and given it away…

Because she couldn't lie anymore.

And it was a clue—that Kaji would be able to help her find those secrets. The question was: could Misato forgive her after she did find out?

"Probably not," Misato doubted. They understood each other well enough to know that much; which would explain, partly, Ritsuko's silence...

Sadness, they say, had a way of wrapping around your entire being—choking you; but Misato couldn't understand why the tears didn't come. In any case, she kept it to herself (there just wasn't time enough to wonder) and checked her watch, then contemplated—for the second time—whether or not she should load the pistol she was holding in her left hand. But again, she made no reach for the cartridge she kept by her side.

A few feet ahead of her, from above, she could hear thumping sounds coming from the vent shaft--Misato pushed her back off the wall she was leaning on. He had arrived.

To be continued…

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Notes:

There was so many ways this could've gone—it took me 5 rewrites to get the exact mood and flow right. I had such a hard time trying to convey that Ritsuko wanted Misato to know, but at the same time, she couldn't bring herself to tell her; hence the broach. Why? Because she doesn't want to lie, but at the same time, she knows that this secret could tear them apart; render them asunder; what have you…

And I wrestled with all complexities of Ritsuko's feelings in this regard and tried to funnel all those abstracts down into words. I don't know if I did very well. Ritsuko has her reasons and they aren't just because she wants to make it hard for Misato.

I wanted to tie the three characters together in a way that remained truthful to the NGE continuity—sure, Misato could've found out that Kaji's a spy on her own, but I think it's much more INTERESTING that she learned of it from Ritsuko.

Just as an additional: I considered ending this chapter in a sex scene, but (after those rewrites) I could never get it right—like it just didn't belong somehow. It's much better this way.

Feedback is always welcome.