Author's Note: Manga Compliant up to Chapter 445 and probably beyond. Fair warning: if you're looking for WAFF-y type mess, abandon ship now. I'm rather sadistic and enjoy torturing characters and people in general, but I don't mess with angsty shit either. This story is simply a crack idea fostered into plausibility, because the high is always better that way.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, I'm fairly certain far less dues ex machina would occur. Either that or every time Naruto was missing his toothbrush, Yondaime would pop out and have a look 'round.

Uzumaki Naruto was, without a doubt, slightly intimidated. It was an unfamiliar sensation for him, but he couldn't deny that he was experiencing it. In fact, the last time he could remember feeling anything remotely similar was in Lee's hospital room when Gaara had nearly killed the unconscious boy.

Ironically, he wished Gaara were here now. Where once Gaara's presence had inspired fear, now Naruto took comfort from it. It was funny how things had changed.

At least Gaara was close to his own age. Every other ninja in the room was at least a decade older than the two of them as far as Naruto could tell. Taking in the others once more, he looked around the windowless room. Four Kages were seated at the round table, fully dressed in ceremonial robes. Behind each of them stood one ninja, and one ninja only, with a battle-hardened body and a serious expression on his or her face.

The Mizukage, seated across from Tsunade, seemed to sense his discomfort. "Hokage-dono, is that child truly your second? He seems like he might be wishing for his mother."

Naruto's fear was suddenly forgotten at those words, replaced by seething fury. Straightening his spine, he looked the Mizukage straight in the eye. Though the formal robes covered most of the man's face, Naruto noted that, like Zabuza, the Mizukage lacked any trace of eyebrows. Naruto almost laughed out loud – "Eyebrow-less freak!" was on the tip of his tongue, but he caught himself at the last second. Ridiculing the Mizukage was probably not a good idea, he realized.

"What is your rank, boy?" the man asked, seemingly amused.

Naruto froze, knowing he had to answer. "Genin," he mumbled, cheeks heating in embarrassment.

His reluctant admission was met with uproarious laughter from seconds and Kages alike. Naruto stared at the floor, not allowing himself to react.

"A genin?" protested the Tsuchikage in smiling disbelief. "I know you recently lost some ninja, but I was unaware that the situation was this dire! You should have told us, Hokage-dono. I'm sure one of us would have lent you a jounin for protection during the proceedings."

Tsunade's countenance remained stony as her fellow Kages continued to mock her. "Though a series of circumstances has prevented his official promotion, Uzumaki Naruto has earned the right to stand behind me as my second and guard. He has my utmost trust, and should you ever be unfortunate enough to meet him in battle, you would soon find out exactly why."

Naruto raised his head slowly to stare at Tsunade's blonde pigtails, eyes watering more than was strictly warranted by the slight amount of dust floating in the air. Tsunade had never said anything like that to him ever before, and he wished he could thank her for doing so now, when it counted.

The Raikage, whose laughter had been loud, suddenly sat up a little bit straighter. "Uzumaki Naruto, you say?"

"Yes," was all Tsunade returned.

The Raikage looked thoughtful and Naruto could feel himself being scrutinized. "Hmm. So I see."

The Tsuchikage and Mizukage turned to the large, dark-skinned man in curiosity.

"You've heard of him, then, Raikage-dono?" the Tsuchikage grumbled in his low, smooth voice.

The Raikage nodded slowly. "I'm surprised you haven't. He is – ah – a weapon of note for more than one reason, shall we say."

The Mizukage's eyes lit in understanding. "A jinchuuriki," he stated simply.

Naruto scowled deeply, hating having to endure this more than words could express. Why had Tsunade forced him to come to this again? He had been there when she had told the elders whom she had chosen to represent her at the Kage summit. They had not been happy, wishing for her to take Danzou instead. Tsunade had been furious when they challenged her yet again and Naruto had had no choice but to sit in silence as they lectured her on the importance of keeping "the jinchuuriki" in the village for his own protection. "That is idiocy," she had hissed, shocking the two old bags into silence, "and hypocritical, besides. When the village was attacked, you are the ones who wanted to keep him away, and don't presume I don't know that it was Danzou who murdered Naruto's messenger frog, interfering with official correspondence. Naruto's presence at the Kage gathering will be a show of strength and will serve a dual purpose of reminding the Kazekage of the benefits of our alliance. I will not bend on this," she had insisted, "and if Danzou still takes issue with my decision, tell him he can challenge Naruto to a duel for the right to be my second. It would be foolish of him to do so, however, and you both know it, though you pretend otherwise."

Naruto's reverie was interrupted by the Tsuchikage. "A jinchuuriki, eh? Showing off that you still have one, Hokage-dono?"

Tsunade couldn't stop herself from banging one hand on the table as she rose halfway in her seat. "That is not why he's here."

"Yes, perhaps not," conceded the Tsuchikage with false congeniality. "If the tales I've heard of Konoha's jinchuuriki are true, then I understand his presence quite well."

"Oh?" the Mizukage queried. "And what tales are those, Tsuchikage-dono?"

"It is said that the Akatsuki's leader that led the assault on Konoha such a short time ago was defeated by the very creature he was sent to capture," he explained, the uncovered portions of his face totally neutral in expression, "but we know how stories can stretch as they travel abroad." He was staring intently at Tsunade, perhaps hoping for an official confirmation or denial of the rumors.

He was not disappointed. "Perhaps some tales grow taller with distance," she said, her light tone of voice belying the gravity of subject, "but not this one, I'm afraid. Naruto was away at the time of the attack, but arrived in time to destroy Pain's six bodies, and later, the bodies' true controller and his partner." She inspected her red fingernails idly. "It is not the first Akatsuki that has fallen at his hands, nor will it be the last."

Naruto could feel himself sweating lightly, now, uncomfortable with this strange turn of conversation. He could not help but note the difference in the others' regard for him. He knew that scornful addresses of "child" or "boy" were now behind him, but their replacement with "creature" and "weapon" was far worse. Despite the veracity of the allegations, Naruto felt shamefully boastful and self-conscious as the eyes of the other Kages inspected him with new calculation behind them.

Where is Gaara? Naruto wondered desperately. The meeting could not commence without him, and he was late.

As if on cue, the single door to the room was thrown open. Naruto's hand flew to his weapons pouch instinctively and he observed that his actions mirrored those of the other bodyguards. Naruto, however, relaxed when he recognized Baki, Gaara's old jounin-sensei.

"Kazekage-sama has arrived," Baki announced in a dry, even voice.

Gaara entered behind Baki, noiselessly taking the empty seat to the left of Tsunade. He took a moment to shift slightly so that the gourd of sand fell more comfortably over the back of the chair and then nodded.

The Cloud leader spoke. "As I am the one who has called for this gathering of the Kages, I shall begin. It has been a long time since we last met as a group – far too long. Leadership has since shifted in more than one village, and unfortunate situations have befallen some."
Naruto felt some eyes cast in their direction and raised his chin in defiance as the Raikage continued. "I include Kumogakure in this, as we have had both of our jinchuuriki snatched from beneath our noses, one of which was my own blood brother." At this point, his already-gravelly voice became laden with emotion that broke through his formal façade. Naruto eyed him with more curiosity, now. The sorrow in the leader's voice at the death of his brother was genuine; perhaps he could look beyond the jinchuuriki to see the person.

"Akatsuki has become a problem for us all, not just Cloud. Sunagakure's own Godaime Kazekage was attacked directly." Out of the corner of his eye, Naruto saw Gaara's frown deepen, but, typically, the Kazekage remained silent. "Konohagakure seemed to have launched a vicious offensive, but that did not prevent the entire village from being recently decimated."

At this unwelcome reminder, Naruto's fists clenched in fury and he sensed Tsunade's ire growing as well. "Get to your point," she bit out, trying to keep the anger from colouring her voice but not finding herself particularly successful.

The Raikage nodded in acquiescence. "This cannot be allowed to continue. Akatsuki must be dealt with, and dealt with now. To do so, we must unite forces. It is the only way."

Naruto found himself liking the large, dark-skinned man that was the Raikage. This meeting was not turning out at all as he had expected. When Tsunade had described the summit to him, he had thought it would involve a lot of political waffling and approaching issues indirectly, but this man was making his intentions clear from the beginning, and Naruto respected that.

Tsunade seemed to agree with him, for she spoke next. "Konoha is willing to discuss terms."

"As is Suna," said Gaara.

Naruto waited for the Tsuchikage and Mizukage to voice their concurrences but they were not forthcoming.

The Mizukage shifted, and all eyes turned to him. "Akatsuki is of no consequence to Mist," the tall man said dismissively.

Tsunade scowled in response. "What of Hoshigaki Kisame? Aren't you ashamed of the blight to your village's name, Mizukage-dono?"

"Hoshigaki will be eliminated in due time," the tall man spat, his eyes sparkling in anger. "If anyone should be ashamed, I would think it should be you, Hokage-dono, for I doubt any other village can boast as many S-class missing-nin in its history."

Naruto fought desperately to keep his chakra, and his rage, in check as he seethed silently at the Mizukage's blatant disrespect. Any significant chakra spike would be perceived as a threat and could endanger international relations, but watching idly as some idiot insulted the old hag was extremely difficult.

"Perhaps that is simply because Konoha has the highest number of powerful ninja, and therefore, proportionally, the highest number of powerful missing-nin," Tsunade replied icily.

"Or perhaps the way of Konohagakure is simply not a satisfying way of life, leading to the highest rate of defection among the Five Great Shinobi Villages," the Tsuchikage interjected, voice smug.

Tsunade's mouth dropped underneath her cloth mask at the accusation, her tawny brows snapping together so quickly that it was almost audible. "How dare –"

The Mizukage, however, did not let her finish her outraged protestation. "I wonder…. If Konoha had been more sensible about blood limits when that discussion first took place, would any of us be having these problems now? Traitors like Uchiha Sasuke would not exist."

A growl escaped Naruto before he could stop himself, and he was imagining how satisfying it would be to punch the words out of that Mizukage's mouth when Gaara finally spoke.

"And neither would traitors like Hoshigaki Kisame exist if Kirigakure had been more thorough in the blood limit purges it so often praises," Gaara intoned flatly. The Mizukage was livid at the implication, but before he could respond, Gaara continued. "Furthermore, if Mist had not abandoned its jinchuuriki like garbage, Akatsuki may not have had the chance to progress to the threat it is today."

The browless Mist leader snarled in fury and appeared to be about to snap a vicious reply when the Raikage attempted to return some semblance of order to the rapidly deteriorating summit.

"Please, let us be civil," he implored. "I would like to return to the issue of Uchiha Sasuke."

Tsunade turned to him, brows knit in confusion. "Uchiha Sasuke? Why?"

The man's broad shoulders squared and his eyes hardened as he responded. "He was among the group of four Akatsuki that abducted my brother and killed at least one Cloud shinobi."

Staring blankly ahead, Naruto could not comprehend what the Raikage had just said. Apparently, neither could Tsunade, because she spluttered, "What? Sasuke has never associated with Akatsuki, as far as we know. In fact, eliminating one of them, Uchiha Itachi, was his life goal until recently. How sure are you of this information?"

The Raikage seemed taken by surprise. "Very sure. You were unaware of this, then? If he was against Akatsuki before, what changed? He was wearing one of their cloaks, and stole a jinchuuriki. He is definitely with them now."

Naruto was shaking with fury by now, his nails digging deeply enough into his palms to draw blood. "That bastard!" he growled. All eyes turned to him in shock, the room suddenly heavy with Naruto's chakra presence. Seconds were not permitted to speak unless spoken to, Naruto knew, but he no longer cared. "He killed Orochimaru. He killed Itachi. He did what he set out to do, so what the fuck is he playing at now? How could he – Akatsuki? That bastard!"

"Naruto!" Tsunade hissed in warning. "Get a hold of yourself."

"I apologize, Hokage-sama," he said, though his voice remained hard and unremorseful. Attempting to calm himself, he made an effort to reign in his chakra once more.

Gaara surprised everyone by speaking in his defense. "You must understand…. Uchiha Sasuke was once his comrade, and is now hunting him. It is the ultimate betrayal."

Of course he gets it, thought Naruto. He never had to explain such things to Gaara. Gaara's gaze was kind, but from Naruto's right, he could sense the Tsuchikage's stare burning into him in a different way, as he had for most of the time they had been in the same room. As Naruto drew more attention, the feeling of being watched intensified.

The Raikage's eyes, glittering with emotion, were also on Naruto as he spoke his next words deliberately. "I see. So that is why Konoha hasn't dealt with him. Letting him run free so that he would take care of some loose ends for you…. Unorthodox, but effective, I suppose. However, you will answer for my brother's—"

"Raikage-dono, you presume too much!" protested Tsunade. "We have made every effort to capture Uchiha Sasuke! In fact, we have an entire elite squad dedicated to his attainment. Detaining such a highly skilled ninja is not an easy task, as I'm sure you—"

"So am I expected to believe that a village that can eliminate Akatsuki's leader cannot handle one subordinate? There is a lie hidden in that, one way or another—"

"Capturing Uchiha Sasuke is much more complicated than killing him outright, which we do not—"

"Then why have you failed to employ lethal force? You will kill one of your own to keep the peace, but will not kill a missing-nin that has clearly aligned himself against you?"

"Enough!" Tsunade roared. "We would never have been put in that situation if one of your representatives did not kidnap a toddler in order to steal her eyes! How we choose to handle our missing-nin is our business and ours alone."

"Not when they kill my brother, it's not. This is Konohagakure's official notice that from this point on, Kumogakure will be pursuing Uchiha Sasuke with intent to detain and interrogate in regards to his crimes. If that proves to be impossible, we will pursue him with intent to kill."

For a moment, there was silence. Naruto was forced to blink away angry tears at hearing someone so casually discuss killing Sasuke, as if they were merely taking out the trash. This time, though, he controlled himself and did not lash out, waiting tensely for Tsunade's reply.

He did not have to wait long. When she spoke, it was in a quiet, pointed tone of voice that he'd never heard in her before. "If the point of this summit was to unite our villages against Akatsuki, then why are we all so caught up in whose missing-nin did what? As far as I know, Cloud has no missing-nin in Akatsuki, so do they owe nothing?"

The Raikage couldn't help looking a little smug at this, but the Hokage ignored it and continued on.

"Weighing debts with missing-nin, Leaf's debts weigh the most, it is true – but we have also paid the most. Konoha has single-handedly crippled the organization and we will not let our jinchuuriki fall into their hands. However…. None of that matters."

The other Kages were eyeing Tsunade intently, unsure of where she was going with this. "Whether or not they ever acquire Naruto is irrelevant at this point. They are closer than ever to their ultimate goal, which has nothing to do with the bijuu."

Naruto could tell the others were shocked by this piece of information. "I find it hard to believe that they would expend so much effort attaining the bijuu if –" began the Mizukage, but Tsunade cut him off before he could finish.

"The bijuu are merely a means to an end: war. They wish to induce a world-wide, massive conflict that will end shinobi life as we know it." Tsunade paused, letting her fellow Kages absorb this revelation. "After just a few minutes of this torturous meeting, can any of you honestly say that we're not well on our way?"

Naruto was staring at the back of Tsunade's hat-clad head in wonder. Occasionally, especially on those instances when she would get drunk on the job and throw her desk out a window, he could forget just why she made a great Hokage. At times like this, though, he was reminded of her Will of Fire and couldn't be prouder to serve under her.

"The Raikage was right," she continued. "We have all lost ninja to Akatsuki and we are all threatened by its continued existence. To thwart them, we must stand together and end all this petty squabbling. Can we come to an agreement?"

The Mizukage snorted. "I fail to see why Akatsuki would target Kiri as it has Konoha and I do not believe your claim that they are simply warmongering. After we handed over our bijuu, they ceased being a threat to us. Perhaps you should have followed our example?" He pointedly ignored Naruto as he said this. "It would have saved you much trouble. Maybe it's not too late, if you –"

"Don't you dare," Tsunade snarled, "ever utter such a thing in my presence again!"

"Hokage-dono," the Tsuchikage intervened, "whatever makes you think we could all work together against such a force, or that we should? We cannot even sit in the same room for an hour, and the way I see it, Konoha is the only one left with a stake in this."

"It can be done, Tsuchikage-dono," offered Gaara. "And it is imperative that it is done, and quickly."

"Ah, Kazekage-dono, are you so willing to make Suna Konoha's dogs? I will never concede to sacrifice Iwa ninja for Konoha's gain, and I believe one of the many reasons why this is so is right here in this room."

Tsunade seemed generally confused at this sudden turn of events. "Tsuchikage-dono, I am sure that I have no idea what you are insinuating—"

The man turned to her with an impassive face. "If I may address your second?"

Naruto stiffened and shot a look towards Tsunade. Something unidentifiable flitted across her face, but she replied, "You may."

"Young Uzumaki. Are you named after your father, by any chance?"

Naruto turned to face his questioner before answering cautiously. "I believe Uzumaki was my mother's clan."

"Why would that be? Are you a bastard child?"

Naruto's heart pounded in his chest. He had no idea where this is going, but he knew that the outcome could not possibly be good. "No, I am not."

"Why wouldn't you have taken your father's name, then? Who is he?"

Naruto froze in panic. Should he answer? Why would the man have asked, if he didn't already know? But how could he possibly have known when Naruto didn't know himself until the Pain attack? Could Iwa still resent Naruto's father for their losses in the last war?

"Answer me, Uzumaki," the Tsuchikage demanded coldly.

"I, um, I d-don't think – I do not believe I am, ah, at, er, liberty to –" Naruto floundered, completely at a loss for what to do in this situation. He blushed, partially in anger, and partially because he knew he sounded just like Hinata right before she fainted.

Tsunade lost her patience entirely and banged her fist on the huge table, which bounced. "Naruto's father was Namikaze Minato, the Yondaime Hokage."

The Hokage's proclamation was met with shocked silence for a brief moment.

The Tsuchikage, however, did not seem surprised. "And yet he was named for his mother. The deception began at his birth, I see. I had my suspicions from the moment I saw him; they're the spitting image of each other. Exactly how long did you hope to keep him as your secret trump card?"

Tsunade sighed. "I know very well you won't believe me when I say this, but we only recently uncovered his parentage."

"You're right," he returned with a scoff, "I don't believe you. How is that even possible?"

"Obviously, Naruto was born around the chaotic time of the Kyuubi attack. Both of his parents perished in the incident. Even before that, they desired to keep things quiet, presumably to avoid situations such as this one. A choice few knew, but they too died without passing on the secret. We stumbled upon a vague record in the archives only weeks ago." Her face was studiously blank as she further explained. "There were many orphans during that period. No one thought anything of it."

"A likely tale, to be sure. I know a lie when I see one. Anyone can see who his father is if they bother to look at his face. What absurdity."

Naruto's gaze didn't waver from the Tsuchikage's, but internally, his emotions were in chaos. What Tsunade said was, essentially, the truth, though they had not discovered his father through any document, of course. Naruto knew the truth was too hard to explain, and so said nothing.

The Mizukage's voice cut through the tension. "It becomes clear to me that Konoha's word is not to be trusted."

"That's ridiculous!" protested Tsunade. "We never claimed his father wasn't the Yondaime. What does the subject of my second's heritage have to do with anything at all?"

"Iwagakure will never enter into an alliance with the spawn of the Yellow Flash," sniffed the Tsuchikage.

"But why? Naruto is not his father. He has never harmed a single Rock nin."

"Be that as it may, his existence is only one reason of many that we refuse to work with you against the Akatsuki."

"Kiri also must decline. We see no benefit in the potential loss of Mist ninja over the Akatsuki issue. Mist has washed its hands of the Akatsuki, and believes that no more must die if we stay clear."

Tsunade's eyes reflected her resignation. "For your own sake, and for us all, I hope that you are the one proven correct, Mizukage-dono."

"Iwa nin will be instructed to flee all Akatsuki on sight," the Tsuchikage stated with confidence, "but neither will we aid the organization."

"Kiri nin will be given similar instructions," added the Mizukage.

"Kumo will be instructed to actively pursue all Akatsuki members and will attempt to hinder the organization's goals in any way possible," the Raikage said.

"Suna will also actively pursue and foil the Akatsuki," Gaara stated, "and, furthermore, we will share our Akatsuki intelligence with any village who wishes for it."

"As will Konoha," affirmed Tsunade.

"Kumo will also extend the offer of Akatsuki-related intelligence," added the Raikage.

After a brief hesitation, the Mizukage proposed, "In addition, Kiri will report any Akatsuki sightings to the relevant parties."

The Tsuchikage's face remained stony. "Iwa does not think it wise to share intelligence, but does not begrudge the other villages' goals."

A pregnant pause rife with tension permeated the room – until, at last, the Raikage spoke. "If no one else has any business they'd like to discuss, then this meeting is hereby adjourned."

Author's Note: Before you review, it's only fair to warn any potential readers that my tolerance for stupidity is quite low. I welcome feedback, especially constructive criticism. My goal in writing this, besides pulling wings off of mental flies so that I can giggle, is to improve my ability to see through projects to fruition. If you or your review is worthless, I won't hesitate in telling you so.

Special thanks to Jetslinger, my talented but short-tempered friend, who has put up with months of inane questioning in the vein of "Is this in character?" It's your fault I got into Naruto in the first place, so I blame you, whore. I also extend my gratitude to Mikey and Donovan for similar coping with my unhealthy obsessions. Much love!