I Can't Fall Asleep When I Panic

Chapter 1

The Beginning of an End of a Beginning

This story is based somewhat on my life. This first chapter really did happen to me. No I don't want pity. I just want someone to understand life is not easy. The part i leave out in this story is that my dad almost killed me in front of both my sisters. Through out this story i will do flashbacks of what happened. Not all of this will be true except for the flash backs and bits and parts. This is after all a fanfiction, but really i never got a chance to tell anyone what happened. No one wanted to listen. No one believed me. But now someone in a way will know. And some one in a way will learn you have to save yourself, because you prince in shining armor will never come. He certainly never came for me and took me away from those soul breaking years. SAVE YOURSELF BEFORE ITS TO LATE.

"DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!!" I said as I pulled my wrist out of her iron grip.

"Oh, and what are you going to do about it?"

I hated the sound of her voice. I hated the way she looked. I hated how her skin sagged and the skin around her jaw line hung like a sloth from a tree around her neck. "This." I pushed her really hard out of the doorway of my room against the hallway's wall.

THUMP!!

I was thrown to the floor, pain shooting throughout my body. I looked up to see my father, or should I say person who donated his seed, because of the way he had treated me for the past 3 years. His hazel eyes turned yellow when he was mad, and boy was he mad. I just gave him a disgusted look. "If that crack whore ever touches me again, I won't hesitate to slit her throat in her sleep." I pushed myself up from the floor.

I heard her laugh. Oh how it made my cringe every time I heard it. I wanted to rip my ears right off of the side of my head. "CRACK WHORE!?! You are the one who snorts cocaine up the nose of yours and gets so fucked up you don't remember what happens."

I stared at her with so much hatred in my eyes it could put Satan himself to shame. "You don't know anything about me. You don't know anything about that night!"

"I know everything about you."

I knew she thought she did. I knew she went in my room when I wasn't there. I actually caught her going through my stuff while I was asleep. But I had secrets hidden in places she would never find. I had secrets hidden so deep in my mind I could barely remember them myself. "You only think you do. You only found out I did cocaine and was raped because I wanted you to find out." I laughed. "You know nothing," I whispered.

She walked off and my father just stared at me. "What are you looking at?" I spat with malice in my tone. He just shook his head and continued to watch me. I walked to my closet and started throwing my belongings into a suitcase and cardboard box. "What are you doing?" I heard him inquire.

"I'm packing my shit. What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?" I didn't even bother to look at him. I just kept throwing my clothes in my box. "You're not going anywhere." He said with anger and hurt. "You wanna bet?" I challenged as I continued to pack.

I felt the floor give in a little when he stalked toward me. Suddenly my arm was yanked. "I said you're not going anywhere!" I yanked my arm back out of his grip and pushed him. "Don't fucking touch me!"

His hands where around my neck in an instant. I didn't really comprehend what was going on. He pinned against the wall. My feet weren't even touching the ground. My father wasn't a big man standing at only 5' 8" and weighing about 200 pounds, but you didn't want to make him mad.

"Let go of me!" I stared into his eyes with more hate than a small body should be able to produce. My hate was slowly consuming me alive. It made me malicious and angry all the time. I lashed out at everyone. No one wanted to save me, then again I didn't think I could be saved. I was so tired. I just wanted to go to sleep for a very long time. I just wanted to rest my eyes for once. I hadn't gone to sleep in a long time. I never slept before I went to the hospital. I couldn't. The images imprinted in my mind flashed on my eyelids every time I closed them. I was too scared to relive all those times that I never slept. My mind was decaying.

The hands around my neck squeezed tighter bringing me back to the present. He was mad. Just absolutely insane. His eyes looked just like the eyes of all those hungry, flea-bitten coyotes. He wanted to kill me. The room was starting to get darker. My eyesight was starting to turn black around the edges. Slowly my lungs where being emptied of air. I couldn't breathe I started to panic. My mind was racing. I have to stop him! I can't die this way. Not now. It's too soon. Right before I completely blacked out I felt my arm come up and BAM! I was dropped to the floor with a thud. I had punched my dad so hard in his left eye that he was momentarily blind.

I gulped air down like it was water and I had been stuck in a desert. "YOU WILL NEVER HIT ME EVER AGAIN." I said with a deadly calm. He looked at me like he had just realized that I was standing there.

"You want to bet on that?"

I glared daggers at him. "You remember all those times I went to school with black eyes? You remember whipping me so much with you belt that I had cuts on my ribcage? Do you remember punching me so hard in the jaw I fell and hit my head on the corner of the stove? YOU. WILL. NEVER. LAY. A. HAND. ON. ME. AGAIN. I'll kill you before you even think about." My eyes told the truth. I would kill him if he ever beat me again.

He walked out of the room. I took that opportunity to throw the rest of my stuff in my box. I heaved it up and walked out of the house. I dumped it all in the back seat of my car and drove off. It took me about 10 minutes to get to town. I found a nice but cheap hotel owned by a classmate. I managed to get a room away from the main road so if anyone came looking they wouldn't see me.

I entered my room and threw my shit down on the floor. I was so exhausted. I flipped the TV on to Fuse (I do not claim fuse as my own. Its just my fav channel). Putting the sound down low I drifted off to sleep in what seemed like had been an eternity.