Things NOT to do while breaking into a house

1. Try to climb up using the fragile and not-completely-to-be-trusted-ivy

"Move up, for Heaven's sake, Watson!"

"Where do I move up, will you kindly inform me, Holmes? There is seven feet of plain wall in front of me!"

"The ledge, grab onto the ledge!"

"Do I look like a gigantically disproportionate human being to you, Holmes? How can I reach that far?!"

"You can't reach it?"

"No!"

"Well, -oomph! Lestrade, it would benefit me greatly if you moved slightly to the left."

"I don't know Mr. Holmes, Dr. Watson seems to be in a precarious situation."

"Is he-oh."

"Perhaps we should have brought the ladder with us after all…."

"Preposterous! I hardly think that no one will have noticed three grown men carrying a ladder through the deserted alleys of London."

"If it was deserted then they wouldn't have noticed us."

"Sound logic, Lestrade."

"Not to mention that of those three men one happens to be a well known doctor, another an eminent detective and the third a Scotland Yard Inspector."

"Lestrade, you are trying my patience."

"Mr. Holmes, your plan is trying my patience. Why in Heaven's name, do we have to play along with this farce? I can have the lady arrested in the morning!"

"With what proof?"

"Holmes is right, Lestrade, we really have to search this house before, though I really wish that he could have come up with a better plan than this…"

"Thank you, Watson. Now Lestrade-Lestrade? Lestrade?"

"What's the matter?"

"Mr. Holmes…"

"Lestrade? What happened?"

"Mr. Holmes, I don't remember you mentioning anything about a dog anywhere on the grounds, did you?"

2. Once the said dog/animal/general guardian of the house gets a hold of you, trying to shake it off in the following method:

"What happened, Holmes?"

"The dog's got a hold of Lestrade."

"Oh dear. But I thought you said that it normally stayed in the house."

"Apparently not, as you can very well see Watson. Clearly it has been set loose in the grounds for today."

"Perhaps she suspects us."

"Perhaps…Lestrade what are you doing?"

"Good doggy, let go, that's a good doggy…"

"What is he doing?"

"Trying to shake off the dog and calling it repulsive endearments."

"Let go of my leg, little doggy….there there…"

"What repulsive endearments?"

"Watson, I can't bear to repeat them."

"That's it….Thats my little-ouch!"

"Whatever the case, he's clearly not succeeding, is he, Holmes?"

"Most certainly not. I believe the dog just bit him."

"If you gentlemen would kindly stop your antics and give a man a little help over here, I would be exceedingly grateful."(Spoken through gritted teeth, though from pain or rage, it is hard to tell)

"My dear Lestrade, as you can clearly see that both Watson and I are suspended several feet of the ground with our lives at the mercy of this fragile ivy-"

"Mr. Holmes!"

"Softer, old chap, she'll hear you."

"Wait Holmes I can deal with this."(In a louder voice, with a commanding tone.) "Here boy! Sit!"

"Watson!"

"What?"

"Couldn't you do that without waking the whole blasted neighborhood?"

"At least the dog let go of Lestrade!"

"Oh congratulations…"

"Will both of you stop arguing! At this rate-oh dear."

"What?"

"Our hostess is awake."

3. On the awakening of the person whose wakefulness was not to be desired, this method of sneaking away which led a lot to be desired….

"Move down, quickly, Holmes!"

"I would, but-Lestrade, are you under the impression that you are a statue? Move this instant, man!"

"The dog is still here, Mr. Holmes!"

"The dog is unlikely to hurt you now, Lestrade! "

"Ah, all right…hold on…."

"I think we can do little more than that, Lestrade…."

"Carefully now…..ouch!"

"Sorry, Inspector."

"This is why I do not recommend that you do not wear your military boots during this night time escapades, Watson, they are so apt to land on someone's eye."

"I'm really sorry, Lestrade, old man."

"Think nothing of it, doctor. Now gentleman, if we may leave, perhaps?"

"Certainly. I believe that you could always arrest the woman in the morning and obtain the papers from her."

"Capital idea."

"We must never mention this night again, Mr. Holmes."

"I will make certain it never finds its way into Watson's archives."

"Why, thank you, Holmes. Now I know what happened to those several missing manuscripts of mine…."

(Silence……)

"Well shall we then?"

"Lead the way, old man."

A/N: I'm really nervous about this one. As you all know my sense of humor is practically non existent but weird ideas like this still force themselves into mine. I tried to make this funny without making it humiliating or making anyone OOC. I hope I succeeded. Of course, if anyone can offer me advice or help me out I'll be really grateful, as comedy is not my forte. Also I've got other ideas as well so if anyone wants to see this continued as a series, I'll be happy to oblige.

If you liked (even a teensy weensy bit), please review!

'