Author's note:

Don't ask. Seriously. Just know that I do not have deeper issues that need to be addressed by a therapist. I am not sure when this is set but definitely post-Hiatus. I've borrowed rather freely from the Season Three episode Under Covers, but it very definitely both AU and Crack!fic. The title translates loosely as uncharted territory - because one assumes that Gibbs has never actually suffered from this problem in canon. I am looking at three-parter at the moment. With daily updates.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

"What'd I miss?"

"Another round of porn."

"Did he have any contact with anyone?"

"You mean apart from himself?"

"Did he ..." Yussif started with a waggle of his eyebrows.

"Multiple times."

"Was it good for you?"

"Don't be disgusting, Yussif."

"Oh come on, Maya. You were as turned on as I was last night."

"I was not."

"You were squirming in your seat!"

"At least I didn't need to go to the bathroom to relieve myself."

"Only because you were making the most of the inseam of your pants."

Maya was in the process of rolling her when the sound of knocking filled the air.

"Someone's knocking at his door."

Yussif settled on the chair next to her and they both listened intently.

"Room service" he said a few moments later, relaxing.


"An assortment of cheeses compliments of the hotel management, Sir" a voice floated across the lasermike.

"You can put those over there" another man's voice replied.

"Very good, Sir. Everything seems to be in order. Would you like a maid to turn down the bed?"

"That won't be necessary."

The sound of a phone ringing floated across the room.

"Crap" Maya said. "Room service put a tray on our microphone."

"Well, you know what that means .." Yussif said with a suggestive smile.

"We're screwed?"

"Nope. You get to dress up as a maid, Maya."

Maya blew out a deep breath.

"You look up my skirt once, Yussif, and you won't see the bullet coming."

"You're all talk. I bet you're going to look damn sexy in that get up."


"I'm sure your wife would love to hear you say that" she huffed as she moved towards the door. "I'm going for coffee. And I mean it, Yussif. Hands to yourself."

"Aw come on. You ever think about that .. maybe…"

"Forget it! We're here on a mission, period. You want something more than coffee, call room service. With luck you won't get him!" she said, indicating the infrared characters on their monitor. "We have bigger things to worry about at the moment."

"Yeah" Yussif said as he turned back to the monitor.

"Do you think that was the phonecall he's been waiting for?"

"If it was we're not only screwed, we're fried."

"It wasn't our fault."

"I can see that line going down well .. " he said, his voice bearing just a hint of a tremor. Look, flip you for it." He reached into his pocket. "Heads you tell the Boss. Tails, I do."

Maya looked at him nervously.

"Deal."

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"And?" Gibbs asked as McGee slipped into the room a few doors down.

"All taken care of, Boss. Ziva found the bug when she was cleaning the room earlier. They'll have a hard time hearing anything now."

"Good work, McGee. Have we figured out where they are yet?"

"Ziva is .."

"Here" she said as she slipped into the room holding a pair of sunglasses in her hand.

"We're in business, Boss" Di Nozzo called from the other end of the room. "The meet's been set up."

"Any idea who it could be?"

"No. Not a lot of dialogue. Just time and place."

"When?"

"Tonight. Nine pm. Hotel room."


"Whoever it is, he doesn't want to be seen in public with him" McGee observed. "Or her. Think it could be a her?"

"Yes, McGee" Ziva replied from the window, in a tone that made McGee cringe a little. "It most certainly can be a her. Women make better contract assassins than men because they are more attentive to detail and nobody expects it of them."

Gibbs nodded before he called out "Whatcha got, Ziva?"

"Top floor, northwest corner" she replied as she adjusted the shades on her face. "They have a laser trained on Markham's room."

"I freakin' love those shades" Tony said in awe.

"Touch them and die, Tony" the Israeli replied as he reached for them.

"How cool is it that they can detect different light spectrums" McGee stated – more to himself than anyone else.

"Boss?" Tony started tentatively.

"What?"

"Are we telling the Director that we're running an undercover op in FBI jurisdiction without informing them so that he can .. you know .. inform the Director of the FBI?"

"What the Directors don't know can't hurt .."


"Them. Got it."

"Us, Di Nozzo. Can't hurt us. Lets focus on finding out who Markham is meeting. Lets find out who the target is. The FBI aren't particularly concerned with the safety of the Secretary of the Navy. That's our business. It may or may not be him. If it turns out not to be Secnav we'll provide back up for the FBI. Whether they want it or not."

"What about Fornell?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime I want ears in that room. I want to know everything that the FBI knows. McGee, liase with Abby. Take care of it."

"On it, Boss" the young agent replied as he moved towards the computer and opened up a portal with the lab.

"Ziva, you're here with McGee. Di Nozzo and I will be back later. Let's go .." he said with a toss of his head.

"Um .. Boss .. I .. uh .. why don't you go on ahead? I gotta hit the head first."

Gibbs grunted in acknowledgement and headed out the door.

"Hey … how's it hangin'?" Abby asked, her voice coming cheerily across the screen.

"It isn't. I think there's a problem" Tony replied.

"What? What problem?"

"Everything's under control Abby" McGee said as she stared at them in confusion.

"Something's up with Gibbs" Tony said, worry seeping into his tone.

"What is wrong with Gibbs?" Ziva asked. "He looked perfectly fine to me."

"You weren't here last night."

"What happened last night?" McGee wanted to know.

"Nothing" Tony said.

"So what's the problem?"

"Nothing happened when something should have."

"Is there a reason you are talking in riddles, Tony?" Ziva wanted to know.

Tony kept his eye on the door as he spoke – almost as though he was afraid that Gibbs would walk through it again the moment he started talking.

"Last night Markham was watching some pretty hardcore porn. I swear it's all the man does. Watch porn and .."

"We get it, Tony" McGee interrupted.

"What does this have to do with Gibbs?" Abby asked.

"There was no reaction. None. Nada. Zip."

Abby tried to suppress a smile but Ziva refused to be subtle.

"How do you know he did not have a reaction?"

"It's a guy thing, Zee-vah."

"You were looking at Gibbs while you were listening to porn through the lasermike?" Abby asked with a knowing look. "Are you sure that music teacher you dated in high school wasn't male after all?"

"I was not looking at … look can we stay on topic here? I didn't have to be staring at his privates to know that he wasn't having a reaction. He just wasn't. There was nothing out of him. Not a peep. And there should have been because it was ..well .. hot."

"How hot?" Abby's interest piqued suddenly.

"Hot."

"Girl on girl? Boy on girl on boy? Bondage? Snuff?"

"Hentai."

"Get out!" Abby giggled.

"What's Hentai?" McGee inquired.

"Oh McGee" Abby despaired.

"Maybe he is just going through a bad phase" Ziva suggested. "He is certainly on the right side of fifty."

"Plus he was in a coma not too long ago" McGee pointed out. "Erectile dysfunction can be secondary to trauma. Not to mention stress."

"Do we want to know how you know that, probie?"

"I had an uncle who suffered from it for many years."

"I had an uncle like that too" Abby enthused. "Only he got his from a penile fracture that wasn't taken care of."

"Oww" Tony said, pulling his legs together instinctively.

"Yeah. Although it's kind of a misnomer because there's no bone to fracture. But there's this cracking sound, and then this intense pain, and immediate swelling and bruising which kinda mimics fractures that occur in bones."

"How'd it happen?" McGee asked, unsure if he wanted to know the answer.

"Having sex with my aunt" Abby said simply. "She liked to be on top."

"Thanks for the visual, Abs" Tony said as he stood up.

"Well I don't think Gibbs has that because that requires surgery and he hasn't been off work."

"Maybe .. but something's up."

"If you're to be believed it's really not" Abby said, trying not to laugh.

"What I would like to know is how is this our business?" Ziva asked.

"How is it our business?" Tony said, drawing the words out with incredulity plastered all over this face. "Do you really want to be around Gibbs if he can't get any?"

"Maybe you're wrong, Tony" McGee said.

"You better hope I am, McInnocent. Imagine Gibbs without his coffee and then imagine days, weeks, and months of that."

The shudder was unanimous.